Check it out lads, I’ve found the world’s shittest plate:

plate scan

Right, imagine you’ve just made a Christmas themed plate with all cats on it. I don’t know why you’ve done this, maybe someone was pointing a gun at you. Anyway, what do you call it?

A) Santa Paws

B) Santa Claws

C) Meowy Christmas

D) The Shit Christmas Cat Plate

Obviously D is the correct answer, but the artist has seen fit to go with ‘Santa Claws’. Incidentally, the creator of this objet d’art is called Bill Bell. Bill Bell is not a real name, it is the name of a mysterious old man in a Christmas 24 movie, who turns out to be the real Santa.

You might be wondering where you can buy the world’s shittest plate. Sadly, you can only buy it from my 1994 copy of My Weekly, which I own because I am cool and hard. I do sympathise with you because let’s face it – who doesn’t want a shit plate with all cats on it?

Let’s see what Bill Bell’s got to say for himself:

billbell

“A joyous choir of furry felines”

shit cats

No. What this is is the enchanting and whimsical Calpol dream of someone who’s never seen a cat but is terrified of them anyway. At Christmas. Every single one of these cats, I wouldn’t let them in my house. I’d call the police.

The interesting thing about this plate is that it’s being marketed as a priceless heirloom, something you can pass down for generations until it is worth 60 billion quid in five years time.

heirloom

In reality, your descendants will sit there wondering why their great great great grandma bought a shit plate with cats on it. Then they’ll probably inject themselves with EastEnders, because it’s the future and that’s how TV works.

order form

I know a bit of the order form was cut off by the scanner, but what were you going to do, try and order it?

“Limit: one plate per collector”. This made me laugh quite a bit; I assume they had to put that in because last time they did one of these sales, Pamela from Nuneaton tried to buy the lot for her grandson, who really wanted a Sega Mega Drive.

joyous

“I need SEND NO MONEY NOW.” Also, “I need SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE MY DECISIONS FOR ME BECAUSE I CAN’T FUCKING BE TRUSTED NOT TO BUY SHIT PLATES.”

The only thing this order form is missing is a call to “PLEASE RUSH ME MY SHIT CAT PLATE, I AM DESPERATE TO HOLD IT IN MY STUPID HANDS”.

Things to do with this plate:

1: Eat off it

2: Spend your grandkids’ inheritance on it for a laugh

cat laugh

Pretty sure that’s a hamster.

Franklin Mint should be ashamed of himself.

Buy my book etc.

4 thoughts on “A plate full of cats

  1. Ah wow, I could put it next to my “footprints in the sand” and Princess Diana memorial plate, that’ll definitely be worth a fortune in 20 years time, just like all those commerative gold coins I’ve amassed for my grand children’s future.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Some of those cats look like medieval paintings of the devil.

    But the thing that puts me off most is… why plates? When did plates ever become the fine art… whatsit… backing… backdrops… thingy of choice? Is it like, the more baked beans you scoop up, the more possessed cats get to appear before your eyes?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Being someone who likes to combine snarkiness with data to validate my mean little existence, I did googling. £20 in 1994 is about £38 today. One of these plates is on eBay in “new in box” condition for £25. So ha ha ha, 1994 cat-loving granny! I’m from the future and I’m better than you.

    Like

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