I’m mostly reviewing this episode because I’ve thought of the world’s best joke, to be inserted into one of the scenes. I’ll let you know when we get to the world’s best joke so you won’t miss it, don’t worry.

Let’s begin. George is attempting to sing ‘Old McDonald Had A Farm’. However, he is faced with two obstacles:

1. Zippy keeps doing the wrong animal noises like a shitlord

2. George is stupid.

The combination of these two factors leads to George losing his shit with Zippy and calling him “silly”, which is the Rainbow universe equivalent of calling him a blithering cunt.


Zippy bounces back by suggesting that “Old McDonald had a cock, by which I mean penis. How d’ya like them apples George?”


The argument is interrupted by the sound of an actual cow, which has somehow wandered into the garden and is now mooing at them. Clearly the cow is well hidden – Zippy and George can’t see where the noise is coming from. Hint: it’s probably not coming from the sky Zippy you fucking idiot.


The source of the mooing was this abomination:


1. Why does it have shoes on.

2. Why is a pantomime cow breaking into random gardens like a sex pest?

3. Why does it have a Hawaiian… thing round its neck?

4. That cow’s killed people hasn’t it.

By the way, the world’s best joke is coming up, so make sure you’re ready for it.

Zippy decides he’d better let Geoffrey know what’s going on, so he shouts him.

OK, are you ready for my joke?

Here we go.

“Geoffrey, come quickly, there’s a cow in the garden!” shouts Zippy.

“Zippy, don’t talk about Jane like that” replies Geoffrey.


Now that’s out of the way, we can get back to the plot. The cow has managed to hide, and now no one knows where it is. Bungle looks for the cow, which does make me wonder just how fucking big their garden is.


Anyway, this is hilarious because now Geoffrey thinks Zippy was just lying/hallucinating. But before he can pack Zippy off to the nut house, the sex pest cow returns and starts bothering Geoffrey’s arse.

Bungle stop doing that.gif

The best thing about this is that Geoffrey immediately assumes it’s Bungle doing it, as if Bungle is in the habit of goosing Geoffrey on an hourly basis. Bungle is, quite rightly, a bit offended by this. I think this is his ‘offended’ face, but to be fair it’s hard to tell.


Right, pop quiz. What do you do if there’s a big fake cow in your garden?

A. Run like fuck

B. Make yourself really big and hope the cow runs away

C. Bellow “DO YOU WANT A SWEET” in the cow’s face

Interestingly, Bungle has gone for option C.


“Bungle, don’t be such a colossal prick” says Geoffrey. “Cows don’t eat sweets, they eat grass.”

The fact that this is not a real cow, and is instead two sex pests in a cow suit, has escaped Geoffrey.

Jane appears! Turns out the cow belongs to Jane.

Pssst. Lads. No one tell Jane about my brilliant joke from earlier, the moment’s gone and I don’t think she’ll appreciate it.


Anyway, does this mean that the two sex pests inside the cow are Rod and Freddy?

Who do you think is at the back? I’m going with Rod, but only because Rod demanded to be at the back like the alpha male he is. Maybe for tax purposes.

The cow leaves and is replaced with a video of some real cows. I like cows, they’re like tall dogs and they taste nice.

Next up is a banging song by Rod Jane and Freddy. Rod and Freddy aren’t cosplaying as a cow anymore, meaning they can get on with their day job of running a farm. They all have Cornish accents, because all farmers do. Like The Wurzels but they’re all sleeping together.

Rod, of course, is in charge of driving the tractor, because he is the best one. Look how best he is.


And here they are having a piss behind a haystack.


Back at the ranch, Bungle’s mysteriously acquired some eggs.


“I’ve been next door to Mrs Henderson and she’s given us four eggs!”

“Who the fuck is Mrs Henderson?” asks Geoffrey.

“I think she’s married to Mr Henderson,” replies Bungle. “She has eggs.”

Also, I’ve just got that shit pun. “HENderson”. Eggs.

I don’t deserve to have a computer.

Then they all have an argument about where eggs come from. Bungle insists they come from Mrs Henderson.

I’ve told you before Bungle, stop having the intellect of that Rolo I found down the back of the settee,” says Geoffrey. “Eggs are in fact shat out of chickens’ fannies.”


“I’VE LAID AN EGG!” announces George, proudly and inexplicably.


Where did he get that football from? I think he actually shoved that football up his bum earlier, on the off chance they’d have a conversation about where eggs come from. That seems like the most likely explanation. Occam’s Football and all that.

(If you’re not familiar with the Occam’s Football rule in modern Philosophy, it states that ‘all other things being equal, the answer is probably that the thing’s been up someone’s bum’.)


Catch Bungle

Oh dear, now your breakfast is broken and you will all starve and die. Either that or you’ll all have to eat George’s bum football. And now I’ve written that I immediately wish I hadn’t, because it sounds gross and disgusting and wrong. Pretty good episode title though.

Meanwhile, the sex pest cow is back. Maybe Rod and Freddy have swapped places, I don’t know. If they have though, you can be sure it was because Rod demanded it.


“HELLO” Bungle yells at the cow, the earlier lesson of ‘don’t yell at cows’ now forgotten.

And that’s the end of the episode. I have no idea why this episode happened, except they had the use of a cow suit for a couple of days and didn’t like to waste it. However, this episode did teach us the following things:

1. Eggs come from chickens’ fannies

2. Don’t shout at a cow, even if that cow is molesting Geoffrey

3. Occam’s Football

Also, I did the best joke in the world, so there’s that.


My novel is on Amazon if you’d like to take a peek. I’m currently attempting to shit out a sequel.

3 thoughts on “Rainbow episode review: George’s bum football


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