Like all weirdos, I love Sonic the Hedgehog, I always have. I even have a tattoo of the blue bastard on my arm. However, even I draw the line at Sonic’s behaviour as demonstrated in his official 1991/92 annual.
‘Blue blur’? More like ‘Fucking dickhead’, as we will discover.
There’s nothing on the cover to suggest that he’s going to turn out to be a pube-filled antagonist. However, things start going downhill as soon as you turn the page, where Sonic is A) looking at you very judgementally, and B) pulling on that glove like he’s about to give you a rectal exam.
Then we’re straight into the action in the form of some terrible puns that don’t even make any sense.
Robotnik I can forgive, because the writers have decided that he’s just going to insert ‘egg’ into every sentence, and that’s his personality. You know, like ‘I really love Marvel movies’ is a personality. But Sonic is under no such obligation, and is just saying the wrong word for the sake of it. What the hell is ‘glue stay there’ even supposed to mean?
While I’m ranting about a Sonic the Hedgehog comic strip, can I just remind you that I am in my 30s with a mortgage. Thank you.
Next, we have the main reason Sonic is a dick in this annual:
All Tails wants to do is have five fucking minutes to himself where he isn’t constantly having to ass-kiss Sonic and be subservient. There he is, minding his own business and trying to win some rings in Casino Night Zone, but no. Sonic, who is OMNIPRESENT, shows up in the slot machine, and then in person, with the following takedown:
Well done Sonic. You’ve made Tails cry by implying he’s not a real hero, and also by letting him know that he can never escape your abusive relationship. Well done. Well fucking done. I hope you get hit by a bus.
Here he is with the bands Worlds Apart and M-People, which makes him an extra dickhead for reasons I haven’t quite worked out yet, but I am definitely right.
What’s that one on the left doing.
When he isn’t bullying Tails and M-People, Sonic’s other hobby is to go on and on and on and on about how he is a superhero. You’re not supposed to refer to yourself as a superhero. You’re just not. It’s an unwritten rule, especially in Britain, that you’re not supposed to say anything good about yourself ever. You’re especially not supposed to knob around the countryside going “I AM GREAT” like he does.
I hope that’s shit you’re standing in.
There wasn’t really a point to this post, I just wanted to share my feelings about alternate-universe dickhead Sonic. Once again, I am in my 30s. I own a spice rack and everything.