Like anyone who’s ever been stuck in a queue in Tesco, I’ve wanted to throw shit at people. However, I rarely do so. This is due to a combination of factors:

– fear of the rozzers

– wanting to complete purchase of pop tarts

– laziness

– not wanting to touch poo

However, those plucky inventors have been at it again, and have devised an ingenious weapon for slinging poo at your enemies:

poo1

Now then. This promises “Poo for you!”. It also promises that the poo will be super stretchy and squishy, and that sometimes the poo will be on fire.

fire poo

If you claim you’ve never wanted to throw flaming shit at someone, you are lying.

These guys look so happy. I think it’s because they know they’re instruments of vengeance. They are cheering my enemy’s impending doom.

poos

According to the back, one of the poos acts as the actual catapult, and the other poo is used as the missile.

instructions

Now I’m imagining the poos saying to each other “No Johnny, let me do it, you’ve got a family! You’re gonna make it back damn you!”

What the fuck am I talking about.

Right, let’s get this over with. First we need a target. After much deliberation, we decided to use a copy of ‘Shakaboom’, the seminal single by Hunter from Gladiators:

shakaboom

I think we can all agree this is a wise choice.

Since I have no sense of direction, or any skill whatsoever, I have roped in Alex to be my accomplice. I will stand there laughing maniacally as my nemesis meets his unholy and poo-filled fate.

Are you ready for the AWESOME RAIN OF DESTRUCTION?

1 gif

Wait, hang on. That was just a warm up.

2 gif

RIGHT THIS TIME BUDDY

3 gif

God damn it.

Look at him. Look at his smug, unsoiled grin. Now I’m going to actually have to throw my own shit at Hunter from Gladiators should I ever meet him, just to save face. And the poo never did go on fire.

I think I can say, unironically, that this is shit.

Book’s here lads, buy 10 copies.

7 thoughts on “Corner Shop Crap: the poo of vengeance

  1. If you are going to throw poo at someone, it’s best to freeze it first. It makes it easier to handle, and you can chisel it down into a makeshift shiv for close-quarters combat.

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