Like anyone who’s ever been stuck in a queue in Tesco, I’ve wanted to throw shit at people. However, I rarely do so. This is due to a combination of factors:
– fear of the rozzers
– wanting to complete purchase of pop tarts
– not wanting to touch poo
However, those plucky inventors have been at it again, and have devised an ingenious weapon for slinging poo at your enemies:
Now then. This promises “Poo for you!”. It also promises that the poo will be super stretchy and squishy, and that sometimes the poo will be on fire.
If you claim you’ve never wanted to throw flaming shit at someone, you are lying.
These guys look so happy. I think it’s because they know they’re instruments of vengeance. They are cheering my enemy’s impending doom.
According to the back, one of the poos acts as the actual catapult, and the other poo is used as the missile.
Now I’m imagining the poos saying to each other “No Johnny, let me do it, you’ve got a family! You’re gonna make it back damn you!”
What the fuck am I talking about.
Right, let’s get this over with. First we need a target. After much deliberation, we decided to use a copy of ‘Shakaboom’, the seminal single by Hunter from Gladiators:
I think we can all agree this is a wise choice.
Since I have no sense of direction, or any skill whatsoever, I have roped in Alex to be my accomplice. I will stand there laughing maniacally as my nemesis meets his unholy and poo-filled fate.
Are you ready for the AWESOME RAIN OF DESTRUCTION?
Wait, hang on. That was just a warm up.
RIGHT THIS TIME BUDDY
God damn it.
Look at him. Look at his smug, unsoiled grin. Now I’m going to actually have to throw my own shit at Hunter from Gladiators should I ever meet him, just to save face. And the poo never did go on fire.
I think I can say, unironically, that this is shit.