A while ago I showed you guys my collection of He-Man figures, who all live in a rest home together because they are knackered.

I didn’t start out intending to collect rubbish figures, but you know, they were cheap. Over time we became a family, and I started adopting more knackered figures that would otherwise have ended up on the mean streets, giving sexual favours for crack.

Look, it’s very early in the morning as I’m writing this.

Anyway, today I’d like to show you some more of my beloved figures. Imagine the Raggy Dolls or a similar heartwarming tale, only all the characters were bought off Ebay by a drunk woman because ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time’.

Best Man


I like Best Man because his face has fallen off a bit. We can all relate to that. He’s still the best though. Look how best he is. I’m pretty sure there was an episode where he tried to fuck Teela, although I might have imagined that.



Superman cost 30p from a car boot sale. I think he might have been in a box with some spanners. Maybe he used to have a laser beam in his chest, I’m not sure; now it’s just a hole and he looks understandably annoyed by this. Either that or he’s watching someone getting all the questions wrong on Tipping Point.

In an attempt to cheer Superman up, I once photoshopped him onto Lincoln high street.

superman lincoln

It didn’t work. He was still depressed, only now he was depressed in Lincoln.

Fuck Off


This dude isn’t actually in terrible shape, but I bought him because he’s called Fuck Off, which is funny, and because I like bees. Here he is calling you a loser with his wings.

Chris Kamara


I have no idea who this dude is, but he is definitely Chris Kamara. Maybe he’s from the show ‘Chris Kamara In Space’, which I just made up in my head but now I desperately wish was a real show. His superhero duties consist of going on Catchphrase and doing wrong answers, telling Jeff that things are unbelievable, and failing to notice when someone scores a goal. Easily my favourite guy. I don’t know why he’s startled.



No explanation necessary. I am 12. Anyway, here is is, ready to kick you in the nads for making fun of his name.



Mekaneck’s job is spying on people and generally getting up in people’s business. If you’re not careful, Mekaneck will look up your skirt.

If you look closely, you’ll notice that I had to do a home repair on one of Mekaneck’s arms. Luckily I’m a natural at that stuff.

Mr T


T is the newest addition to the family. He was missing an arm and a foot, but he came with some spare parts, so luckily I was able to put my mad skills to use once again. Now he hops around yelling “FOO! FOO! FOO!” He might be missing a foot, but he’ll still kick you in the face if you sass him.


Big thank you if you’ve already bought my book. If you liked it, please tell your friends about it, if you have any.

One thought on “The shit action figure showcase


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