Got this catalogue in a TV guide the other week:
Now that I am a middle aged ball of pessimism and lard, I find myself viewing these catalogues as “quite good actually – you can scoff, but do you have adequate lumbar support?”
With that disclaimer out of the way, I still reserve the right to take the piss out of these catalogues, on the grounds that they’re a bit shit.
1. Foot tampons
“Cleanse your aura while you sleep!”
I think the idea is that you stick these on your feet, and they get all the ‘toxins’ (poo?) out of your body, and then you don’t gain weight, even if you eat nothing but Trios.
Anyway, I want to know what these ‘toxins’ are that are going to come out, because I might be saving some of them for best.
2. Glow in the dark pebbles
Ever woken up in a rockery and couldn’t find your way out? Never fear! As long as the person whose garden you’ve woken up in has also seen this catalogue, and bought these pebbles, you’ll be fine.
Hang on – “100 pebbles supplied”, but then they have a “buy one get one free”, which would give you… 101 pebbles? Also, this:
So how many do you get? 100, 101, or 13946? I’m so confused.
3. Life Buoy soap
For quality and value! If you’re looking to clean your bum, your bath and descale your kettle all at the same time, look no further!
Mrs L’s dad loves it apparently, so that’s something.
4. Woke socks
These socks allow anyone to wear them. Communists! Ginger people! Coldplay fans! Hitler! That’s how non-restrictive they are. These socks do not discriminate. Shame on you.
5. Shoeboots: the return
You can’t fool me – these are SHOEBOOTS! I’d know them anywhere:
Not pictured: cookeroven, underwear knickers, and a telephonephone.
6. Phone necklace
“Keep your phone around your neck!” Along with your glasses, that biro on a chain you got last birthday, and your keys. Also, let me tell you – I frequently spend ages looking for something, only to discover it was in my hand. This phone necklace is not going to help people like me.
7. Shower carpet
Can you imagine how mouldy this will get within 20 seconds? That’s why we don’t have those weird toilet mats anymore.
8. Protein spray
“Spray protein in your face!”
Why? Why does your face need more protein? Maybe what your face needs is to be more muscular so you can flex your face guns at people. Why not just rub a chicken on your face?
9. Sleeping bag for potatoes
I may have edited this photo slightly. But let’s face it, that’s how your potato is going to look when it’s got its own sleeping bag.