You know that group that goes round shouting that the world’s going to end in 6 minutes if you don’t stop farting? I think they got the idea from this episode, only instead of writing letters like the Rainbow gang, they decided to shout at broccoli instead.

Let’s begin. The gang are having a lovely afternoon out at their local… nature.

1

Geoffrey, Zippy and George are enjoying themselves. I’m sure Bungle is too, it’s just that he can’t do the expression.

They stand there for about seven years, listing all the things they like about their local nature.

“We can go tobogganing when it snows!”

“We can watch the birds building their nests!”

“I once saw a tramp having a shit over there.”

2

Then Bungle, George and Zippy have a secret conversation, which Geoffrey is not allowed to hear. They have decided to overlook the fact that Geoffrey is standing TWO FEET AWAY, and that Bungle is unable to use his indoor voice like a normal person.

3

“Pssspsssspstttsssppsps”

“Psttssppppssppsssssst”

“Pspppttttppppsssstttppppstpst”

“GEOFFREY, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT?”

4

Well fucking done Bungle.

Spoiler alert: Their secret is the fact that they’ve made a den, 2 feet away from where Geoffrey’s standing. I’m sure Geoffrey knew about it and wasn’t that fussed, or he would have kicked the fucking thing over.

Anyway, Geoffrey is invited to their shit hideout, which is behind a bush. Geoffrey still can’t get in it.

This implies they’ve literally built a door and a lock, and a window, in their crappy hedge den.

5

I’m sceptical of this claim.

Right, Bungle wants to let Geoffrey in to their den, as if Geoffrey wouldn’t rather be jumping off a bridge, but Zippy and George veto this because he doesn’t know the password.

George: “He doesn’t know that the password is ‘Rainbow’.”

1. Shut up George you absolute twat.

2. Of course the password is ‘rainbow’, that’s the only word you people know.

3. He’s right fucking there.

Just fuck off George. And fuck off Bungle while I’m here, just because.

Geoffrey, in his infinite wisdom, decides to get in the “den” (hole in a hedge) with the others, to stop Bungle going off on one and feeling his own nipples.

“Isn’t this cosy!”

6

“You mustn’t tell anyone about our hideout Geoffrey.”

“No don’t worry, this is boring as shit, why the hell would I discuss this with adults?”

Suddenly…

Dun dun DUUUUUUN!

The men appear!

7

The men are bad men, and they want to cut down the shit den to build a Barratt estate! Oh no! What do?

You’d think from the gang’s reaction that ‘the men’ wanted to cut them down until they were dead. Don’t worry readers, this is not the case.

“I think they’ve gone, we can come out now!”

Yes thank you Bungle, this is not Watership Down, if you’d emerged from the undergrowth, with all your pubes on display, they’d have run a mile.

They’ve left a sign, the evil bastards.

8

“Planning application for 4 houses to Rainbow Council”

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re going to build houses on the communal nature!

We can’t have that! They might as well be selling Bungle for medical experiments, and farting in the Asda fresh produce section!

They must be stopped.

Also, ‘Rainbow Council’?

9

“We must go to London and shit in the street to show them about climate change!” says George.

“What?” says Zippy.

“Are you OK?” asks Geoffrey.

But George is busy having a dream of a better world.

10

A world where, presumably, Geoffrey sorts everything out and does everything, like in real life.

“Be strong my son, I will avenge thee. Or I won’t because I’m alive, and this is about a tree. Either way.”

OK, let’s take part in George’s dream, we’ve got nothing better to do.

George’s dream campaign against the Patriarchy is as follows:

1. Get Geoffrey to write a letter.

11

“And tell them that our den is there, so they can’t build a housing estate.”

2. “NO FUCK PEOPLE AND THEIR NEED FOR HOUSES”

“They might…”

“NO FUCK THEM.”

As usual, the Rainbow plan includes putting a poster up in their window, so everyone in the world will see it.

12

*Puts small poster in window of house*

“Yes Geoffrey now EVERYONE will see it!”

They always do this and it never works; only Rod Jane and Freddy will ever see it. You might as well put it up Bungle’s arse.

Let’s recap. Their plan is to put a poster in their window, and that will stop the men from building the Barratt estate.

Bungle arrives. He’s helping.

13

“Let’s make a poster and put it in the window! And I’ll get a petition up! We’ll get lots of people to sign!”*

*Rod Jane and Freddy. And then Jane again, just to make sure.

Meanwhile, the gang go back to their shit den. WHY IS BUNGLE STILL HOLDING HIS PETITION.

15

The men arrive to start cutting down trees, proving that their petition with 3 signatures and their poster stuck up Bungle’s arse have been fuck all use.

“We’ll need to think of something else!” announces Geoffrey.

Have you thought about moving to Acapulco and not telling the others? That’d be good.

Later on, George has somehow managed to get on TV. I bet you a tenner he’s on the ‘Rainbow News’.

George presents his manifesto to the viewers, along with several handy diagrams worthy of sexy John Curtice himself.

You know what? I’m just going to share his party political broadcast with you. If George is standing in your constituency this election, I suggest you vote for him. Don’t vote Bungle in though, that’s just silly. He’ll leave pubes all over the House of Commons, and his only policy will be ‘make it illegal for Jane to not do some sex with me’.

A few days later, Geoffrey is reading the Rainbow Times. Because of course he is. I wonder who’s on Page 3? My guess is ‘Non-Threatening Jumper Fan of Teddington’.

19

“Good news lads – the council are ‘reviewing the planning application’.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means they’re still going to build the Barratt estate, but they want to give us the impression they give a shit about voters before they do.”

“Oooh, I’d better go get Jane to sign my petition again!”

“Shut up Bungle.”

20

Somehow, Bungle comes back with a fucking Yellow Pages full of signatures.

21

However, he needn’t have bothered, because the man on the ‘Rainbow News’ immediately comes on TV and announces the council have cock-blocked the Barratt estate.

Hooray!

22

I’m mostly celebrating because Bungle wasted all that time with his bullshit petition.

“And it’s all thanks to you George, and your appearance on television!”

Meanwhile, Bungle seethes in the corner with his brick of signatures. Good.

Now he has the answer to mankind’s problems, George wakes up from his dream.

23

“Don’t worry lads, I just had a dream where we put a poster up in the window, and somehow that stopped the builders.”

Everyone is pleased about this.

24

Bungle: “What can I do?”

George: “You can go round thousands of houses, painstakingly gathering signatures. Don’t worry, that’s the most important part, trust me.”

And there we leave the Rainbow gang for another day, off to chain themselves to trees and generally get up in everyone’s business.

What have we learned today? Well, we’ve learned the following:

  • Property is theft
  • Trees are nice
  • Bungle is an idiot.

Fin.

Would you like to read my book? It’s got lots of swears in it.

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