You know what men like to get for Christmas? Big packs of batteries. This makes them quite easy to buy for.

But what do you get the man in your life if he’s already got loads of batteries, and computers haven’t been invented yet, and you don’t want to get him a Corby trouser press? You dive into the world of ‘executive gifts for men’. For a low low price, you too can buy your dad/brother/husband/window cleaner some shit that will clutter up his desk at work. Unless you buy it for the window cleaner, I don’t think they have desks.

Anyway, here’s a fine selection of classic gifts that will make him go “No really, you shouldn’t have.” Remember, these are only for executives, and no one else is allowed to have them.

1. Stress Bollock

stress head

I don’t need to bother trying to explain what this feels like when you squeeze it – if you’re reading this blog, you already know. You just do. Anyway, the idea is that you hold this in your hand and squeeze it, and that somehow stops you murdering people. Even if you squeeze it while listening to Huey Lewis & The News and holding a meat cleaver.

It’s meant to be a head, but it is no such thing. It is a bollock. A bollock with nipples. To be honest, if you’re stressed, I think the confusion this causes would just add to your stress, but what do I know.

2. 3D Pin Art

Pin Art

This feels like a thousand biros all poking you at once. This can be good or bad, depending on the person. the result is supposed to be a mesmerising, futuristic fresco, but in reality it comes out looking like that time I tried to draw myself by putting paper over my face:

my-portrait

All men who ever received this as a gift have tried putting their cock and balls on it at least once.

3. Metal… things

perpetual motion(1)

These were magic, because you put the thing on the thing, and then the thing started moving, all on its own. And it didn’t stop moving until you got really annoyed with it and punched it off your desk. I assume.

I guess a Newton’s Cradle would fit into this category too:

newtons cradle

Clackers for people who like shopping at Tandy.

4. Woodpecker

woodpeckerphoto

This is technically a metal pecker, but the phrase’ metal pecker’ just sounds so wrong. Anyway, you move the bird up to the top and let go, and then it pecks all the way down. Occasionally it will get stuck halfway down, which is very exciting.

4. Dancing Coke Can

giphy

I can’t imagine the sort of person who wouldn’t want one of these as a present. Granted, when these were around I was a 6 year old girl, rather than a 47 year old man called Steve, but I bet Steve would have been just as thrilled as I was to own one of these.

I don’t remember for sure, but I reckon you could make it dance if you just yelled swears at it. I bet it would throw some good shapes if you yelled “PISS” and “WILLIES” to the rhythm of Hammertime. hours of fun.

5. ‘Tear Apart’ Boss Doll

boss doll

The Argos description (and I quote):

“At last you have your boss where you want him. Harassed staff can now achieve instant relief by venting their frustration. Tear him limb from limb, your first chance to get even.”

Intermediate level: Give this to your co-worker, in front of your boss. Say loudly “I know how you get pissed off with Ray/Alan/Susan, this is to stop you acting on it like you’ve threatened to in the past.”

Expert level: Actually buy this for your boss. Demand they have a go on it while you watch. Stand there stroking your own nipples.

6. Magic 8 Ball

magic 8 ball

This is for the high-flying executive (usually called Todd), who regularly has to make split second decisions about what to do with the FTSE, or those Woolworths shares he has. Now he has something to make the decisions for him, while he sits there playing with his Pin Art.

For example:

“Will the pound finish higher than the dollar today?”

“All signs point to yes”

“Yay! *gets on intercom* BRENDA! BUY BUY BUY! SELL SELL SELL!”

Todd makes 3 billion quid, and takes you out to KFC to celebrate. Everyone wins.

7. Mini Sports

mini games

There’s nothing that isn’t more fun when it’s in miniature form, apart from Mars bars. Liven up those boring takeover negotiations by agreeing that whoever gets a mini hole-in-one gets the whole company. Alternatively, play mini Skee Ball while you’re on the phone to the Germany office, and startle them by occasionally yelling “YESSSS! GET IN!” Guaranteed to make you popular with all the other bosses, so you’ll start getting invited to their birthday parties and stuff.

8. Ball cleaner

Page-0092

For cleaning your balls. As long as you play golf, which everyone in the Argos cinematic universe seems to. They really like road atlases as well. Anyway, this is to be used for cleaning golf balls only. No getting curious one day when you forgot to have a shower and you want to ‘freshen up’.

9. Executive Briefcase with Executive Accessories

Page-0093

This is a top-level gift, and is only to be used by proper executives. Not sure if you’re an executive or not? Follow my handy guide:

– Do you own an EXECUTIVE BRIEFCASE with EXECUTIVE ACCESSORIES?

If yes, congratulations, you are an executive. If no, sadly you are not an executive, and must cart your shit around in a Kwik Save carrier bag like the rest of us.

I love how only executives are allowed to use a notebook and a biro.

Anyway, if none of these are suitable for the man in you’re life, I’m afraid you are going to have to get him a Corby trouser press after all. Or check again to see if he’s run out of batteries yet.

Thank you if you’ve read my book – maybe tell your friends about it if you have any. If you haven’t read it, it’s here and it’s very sweary.

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