Ever wondered what would happen if Bungle, George and Zippy formed a shit band and made loads of noise all day, and Geoffrey just let them get away with it instead of selling them for medical experiments like he should?

This, as usual, is the fault of Rod Jane and Freddy. We begin with a lovely music video, from Rod Jane and Freddy’s ‘We’re proper rock stars, honestly, we don’t only sing about Old Mother Hubbard’ phase. Didn’t last long.

1

Rod, as usual, is the best one. Look how best he is.

2

He’s going to have the groupies hanging off his willy tonight.

Anyway, the Rainbow gang are watching RJF on TV, because that’s the only show they ever seem to get. I suspect it’s actually an elaborate security camera set-up.

Also, how the fuck can everyone who isn’t Geoffrey see the TV?

3

Geoffrey is so impressed that he starts doing his own version, complete with dad dancing. Bungle is visibly disgusted by this. And let me tell you – when even Bungle is disgusted with you, you need to reassess your life choices.

4

“Oh Geoffrey you are clever, you could be a real pop star!”

Shut up George, I’ve seen you be impressed by Geoffrey sticking wool on a paper plate.

“Geoffrey can’t be a real pop star… he isn’t dressed properly!”

I see. All that’s required for you to be a famous and talented musician is finding a jacket in the dressing up box. Got it. That’s right readers – you too can soar to the dizzying heights of Shawdada Shawoddywo Showoddiw Alvin Stardust. All you need is a jacket.

A jacket/frying pan combo improves Geoffrey’s talent enormously. Even Bungle’s gone from ‘disgusted’ to ‘disgusted but attepting to dance anyway’:

dancing gif

I’ve never seen such piss-taking dancing.

“I suppose you can do better can you? You fat fuck” says Geoffrey.

“I certainly can,” says Bungle. “And to prove it, me, Zippy and George are going to start a shit band, so there.”

6

That face. You do not fucking argue with that face.

They all start arguing over the band name.

“Bungle and the Bastards!”

“George and the Gyppos!”

“Zippy and the… Twats.”

Geoffrey intervenes before they kill each other, although I think he’d secretly like to see that. He suggests the ‘Rainbow Rockers’. Personally I prefer ‘Zippy and the Twats’.

7

Now that’s settled, they need to get on with the serious business of coming together as a band and honing their musical abilities.

Do they fuck. What they actually do is decide they all need wigs.

Geoffrey puts his foot down again. “You three are embarrassing enough as it is. No fucker’s getting a wig until you’ve decided on your instruments.”

In the end the band consists of the following:

– A toy xylophone that inexplicably has wheels.

– A shoe box with an elastic band round it.

– A cake tin.

The state of this.

8

I don’t know why Bungle gets to be Rod. If anything he should be Jane, as we know he has previous experience in that field.

Would you like to hear the hit single from The Rainbow Rockers? The answer is clearly no, but here it is anyway.

“It’s silly doing it like this!” says Bungle.

Has Bungle finally become self aware? Has he realised that three divs playing a toy xylophone, an elastic band and a fucking cake tin were never going to sound very good?

“We’re not dressed properly!”

Oh.

Also – the one fucking time Bungle cares about wearing clothes is literally the one time it won’t make any difference to the outcome.

Jesus Bungle, stop giving me anger piles.

As you can see, Bungle’s version of ‘wearing clothes’ is balancing a small hat on top of his obese head.

9

George has sunglasses, which is boring so I won’t even bother, but Zippy is the real winner here:

10

Now they will definitely sound better.

“But Geoffrey, what are you going to be?”

“In another fucking country, ideally.”

Geoffrey decides he’ll be the manager.

“What’s a manager?”

“Someone who looks after you and makes sure you rehearse.”

“What’s rehearse?”

DO YOU SEE THE FUCKING PROBLEM HERE BUNGLE.

12

“Rehearse is something you haven’t done yet.”

Geoffrey that is a sick burn. Well done.

After watching 3 hours of watching Rod, Jane and Freddy dicking about in a recording studio, the gang become aware of another problem: they don’t have any headphones like proper pop stars. Once they get headphones, they’ll definitely be brilliant.

Question: what would you do if this band turned up to do a gig at your local pub? I suspect a priest would be involved.

13

The Rainbow Rockers continue to hone their unique brand of experimental noise-rock, until Geoffrey’s had enough and loses his shit. To prove to them that they’re fucking awful, he tapes them and plays it back.

This thrusts the Rainbow Rockers into a deep creative crisis.

14

Bungle and George leave the band, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’. Geoffrey slaps Zippy, citing ‘I want you to shut the hell up’.

15

“They’ve gone.”

“Well get them back! You’re the manager…”

“I don’t think I can, on account of how I’m not a real manager, because this isn’t a real band, and in reality it’s a boring hippo and a flouncing idiot bear.”

Zippy decides that if he can’t have a real band, he’ll just daydream about it instead.

16

Insert your own ‘Zippy Stardust’ pun here, I’m not your mother.

Later on, Geoffrey is playing cards with Zippy, who is still wearing his wig and headphones, for reasons known only to him.

17

Zippy is still upset that his supergroup split up, until Bungle and George come back in, with a surprise:

18

“Zippy, we’ve learned how to be proper pop stars!”

“How?”

“MIMING!”

“Of course! It’s so simple! We’ll get famous off Rod Jane and Freddy’s talent and hard work! But won’t you guys mind?”

“No,” say Rod Jane and Freddy. “We’re only in it for the money and bitches.”

19

And now that’s all sorted, we leave the Rainbow gang for another day. In this episode, we learned that the key to success is to piggyback off other people’s work, and then take credit for it. Please note that this only works if you’re wearing a wig.

Fin.

Would you like to read my book? No Bungle, but lots of knob gags.

4 thoughts on “Rainbow episode review: No one’s got talent

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