Do you remember when Marvel wasn’t an all-encompassing million billion dollar franchise, but a pastime for kids and strange men who lived with their parents? (Insert ‘not much has changed then’ joke here if you want.)
In 1988, the Marvel universe mostly consisted of the following TV awesomeness:
– The Incredible Hulk Returns
– RoboCop: The Animated Series
– Marvel Action Universe (Dino-Riders and RoboCop cartoons)
I think we can all agree that this is the Marvel universe at its finest – odd, slightly shoddy superhero pulp, with no message other than HULK SMASH! Certainly you don’t want your Dino-Riders to have strong opinions on joining the Euro.
The point of this insane, piss-stained rambling is that the other day I was watching the 1988 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, because I am cool and great. Being British, I haven’t seen many Thanksgiving parades, but I became obsessed with them a few years ago, and have spent a lot of time trying to rectify that situation.
After the Spiderman balloon, complete with super jazzy Spiderman theme music, we were going to need something pretty fucking special. Therefore we were treated to a big musical number, featuring all your favourite Marvel heroes and some choir.
First of all we have our two hosts, who I’m sure are big bollocks in America, like a US Lionel Blair and Wincey Willis. He’s excited to be in the same city as Marvel heroes:
“Captain America! The Incredible Hulk! I like The Incredible Hulk.”
She looks embarrassed to even be talking about Marvel stuff; she says (and I quote) “Meanwhile, from THE REAL WORLD, we have these athletes, you know, who have actually done stuff IN REAL LIFE. Jesus Christ Bob…”.
Right, it’s time for the big musical number to begin. A load of budget TV characters and athletes, with the Boys’ Choir of Harlem. They are singing ‘One Moment In Time’. Why? Why are they singing such a girly song? Why not ‘Ace Of Spaces’ or that one about liking big arses? Something a bit more energetic, for the love of god.
I’m 99% sure that’s what the poor Harlem lads said to their boss when they found out what they had to sing. “Oh no don’t make us sing that Coach, that’s such a lame ass song. The girls at school are gonna be watching this. Seriously Coach, this is a shit song and has nothing to do with The Incredible Hulk. We all hate Leona Lewis and she hasn’t even covered this yet.”
I’m also 99% sure that their leader is called ‘Coach’. That’s what people are called in America. And ‘Wanda’.
She-Ra and Captain Albania
Spiderman and Super Hemorrhoid
Spiderman is so embarrassed to be there. He’s just had his own balloon.
I think he’s the bad guy. I think he’s about to bum Spiderman until he gives him the jewels, or whatever.
I think that’s the woman one. Spiderman is still ‘get the hell away from me you bunch of freaks’.
Spiderman by this point is suicidal.
And finally… Batman!
The heroes kind of dick about on some scaffolding for 3 minutes, while the boys regret ever joining this stupid div choir.
What a coincidence that all the boys happened to be called Janet Evans.
Shame on you adults for making Janet Evans come out to sing this div song, when they could be at home playing on their Sega Master System and pretending to be that one off Miami Vice.
This is the lead singer. I assume he’s also called Janet Evans. He’s all ‘I dare you to take the piss and call me a gaylord, I fucking dare you Kevin.”
I’m not going to take the piss out of the singing, because it’s kids, and what am I, a monster? I’m busy enough watching the guy playing Super Hemorrhoid getting out of breath after 30 seconds of mild prancing.
Wait a minute…
LADS, HULK’S COMING OUT OF BIG BEN!
This redeems the entire show. Hulk knows this, and that’s why he’s so happy. And also why he gets the biggest performance free despite doing actually fuck all.
I know Captain Albania and She-Ra are looking on like ‘This isn’t fucking fair. He literally just sat there until the end and then came and stole our thunder. Goddamn it Larry, you promised us we’d all get equal billing!’
If I were Larry, I’d reply ‘Serves you right for being shit instead of being the Hulk. Next time be the Hulk. Now get off the phone, I’ve got Fred Savage on the other line.’
And that’s about it. I wanted to show you this in case you’d never seen the Macy’s parade, and didn’t know what you were missing. Just in case you thought ‘Noel’s Festive Family Laugh And Waz’ was the highlight of the festive period. It is not.