“Hello, and welcome to the inaugural British Thanksgiving Parade! We’re you’re hosts, Wanda Mcgfyegf7yg and Bob Cahndhyrrg.”

“And let me tell you, we’re super excited to be here, aren’t we Bob?”

“We sure are Wanda!” Here in your England’s beautiful capital – Loughborough!”

“Which, if you’re not sure Bob, is pronounced “LUGOOBURHOOBURER. Isn’t that swell?”

lough

“Didn’t London used to be the capital Wanda?”

“Errr… it sure did Bob, before… the war.”

“What war?”

“…AND HERE WE HAVE OUR FIRST BALLOON! Yes! Coming just round the corner, what better way to celebrate the English, Welsh and Scotch than by having the British national dish – the Greggs sausage roll!”

greggs balloon

“Oh no Bob, it looks like some of the ropes have snapped, sending this mighty snack item into the crowd!”

“Has it hurt anyone?”

“It sure has Bob! OK! While we’re waiting for the next balloon, why don’t we share our memories of merry old England? I’ll go first – Henry 8 sure was a ladies’ man, huh Bob?”

“Uh, Wanda, I think that’s a British ambulance arriving…”

“Hahahaha, it sure is Bob! Here comes our next balloon! Here he comes, that beloved mascot – “That Meerkat”!

orlov balloon

“He seems a bit big…”

“They overinflated his head Wanda.”

“They sure did Bob.”

“I’m not sure how that’s going to help these poor emergency workers…”

“Now Bob, do you remember Coronation Street? It played on British TV in the 1920s…”

“I can’t say I do Wanda. Aren’t the English great?”

“They sure are Bob! So, here we have a well loved character from the popular English soap opera Coronation Street. This lady killed her husband – BOOOO!”

deirdre balloon

“Wanda, it says here on Wikipedia that she didn’t do it…”

“That’s great Bob! Go English lady! May you be free to queue and apologise!”

“And speaking of apologising Wanda, here’s our next great British balloon…”

im sorry balloon

“A ha! Of course Bob – this is the great old British tradition of apologising when someone else invades your personal space!”

“Of course, we in the good old U S of A have our own traditions. What do we do when someone invades our personal space?”

“Why, we shoot them Bob!”

“Sure do Wanda!”

“Next we have a quaint old English tradition – queueing!”

queue balloon

“That’s right Bob, and what a joy it is to see queueing in action! I believe this tradition dates all the way back to 1996, before English people realised that this was NOT the way to get bargains!”

“Ha ha haaaa, you’re right Wanda, and as you can see, the English man at the back of the queue has literally died from waiting!”

“Oh, condolences to his family Bob! And now, here comes that star of stage and screen, that British household name – “The guy off of Homes Under The Hammer!”

huth balloon

“Look at him Bob, sailing majestically over those tiny British houses that don’t even have a pool!”

“You’re tellin’ me – those English are so silly!” But what’s this Wanda? A giant coffee mug appearing over the horizon?”

“…”

“It’s a balloon. It’s OK Wanda. Take your Xanax.”

“…I’m fine Bob. I’ve been seeing a great therapist. What’s this? Why, it’s the Macy’s of Britain! That’s right – the sponsors of this whole festive shebang! It’s the Sports Direct balloon! Sponsored by your friends and mine, Sports Direct!”

sports direct balloon

“I’m reliably informed that the founder of Sports Direct is also the founder of sports, so I feel we should give him a big hand! Especially for Softball! Way to go Mr Direct!”

“Now we’re waiting for the big finale Wanda – the ultimate British tradition!”

“What is it Bob?”

“I don’t know Wanda. Is it sandwiches? Being The Queen? Stamps? With all the crazy rituals these Brits have, it’s hard to choose!”

“Oh Bob, I think I see it…”

“What the fuck is that Wanda?”

“I have no fucking idea Bob…”

pint glass balloon

“Psssst, Bob, Murray just whispered in my ear that, in Britain, everyone applauds when someone drops a glass… just wing it OK?”

“What the hell? Yeah OK. Crazy fucking Brits…”

“And now, the grand finale – this tradition dates back to ancient times, when Henry 8 ordered all windows in the country be smashed… the cheering is really the sound of peasants crying… is that OK Bob?”

“Yeah whatever, is that it? Let’s go get tequila.”

“Great Bob. Have you told Laura about us yet?”

“I told you, it’s not the right time…”

“It’s never the right time Bob! Jesus Christ, what about that night in Delaware?”

“Look, I already… Well, that’s all we’ve got time for folks, hopefully this will be the first of many good ol’ British parades. We’ve been your hosts, Wanda Mcgfyegf7yg and Bob Cahndhyrrg, and we wish you all a merry Thanksgiving, and a happy British Thanksgiving… Harvest festival. Or Christmas. Whatever.

I have extra stuff on my Patreon if you’d like to help the blog xx

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