Hello. I thought it would be fun to write a Rainbow review at 1 in the morning when I’m a bit hammered on gin. Let’s see if it is fun.

This episode is called ‘Keeping Tidy’. I assume it’s about the Rainbow gang not wanting to live among each other’s piss and shit, rather than keeping your pubes trimmed. Although Bungle, so you never know.

We begin with a moving panoramic shot (I originally typed it as ‘panoramic shit’), in which the director (probably Freddy), wanted to convey a sense of ennui and fin de siècle, by having Zippy’s crap strewn about the place.

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I think the theme is ‘man’s inhumanity to man’.

Turns out Zippy is actually a tortured artist, and not just some scrote who leaves his crap and underpants everywhere.

Fun story: I love the mister, so I wash his pants. If they really loved Zippy like they claimed to, they’d worship him while picking up his discarded manifesta and bric a brac.

Please do remember that I have had many gin.

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Zippy can’t get his picture right, so he’s throwing all the rejects onto the floor. So?

By the way, here’s a picture of Chris Kamara’s Christmas album (9 quid in Asda) just because.

kammy

I meant to crack on with the plot, I really did, but what the hell has Geoffrey got on.

3

I’ve never seen a top like that in real life.

Right. Geoffrey’s livid at Zippy for throwing his paper on the floor. Despite the fact that they only have one bin, which is full, which Geoffrey is in the process of emptying.

I’m asking too many questions. Men will come to my house.

Right. In the following conversation, Zippy is either the Tories or George is Labour, or the other way round. What the fuck ever. Geoffrey ends up being John Bercow.

Anyway, Zippy is so moved by George’s nagging that he goes to sleep.

4

Interval: I do really love that people are actually reading this shit. Thank you if you are. Sharing would help if you think people would like it.

And here we join THE REAL PLOT!

Zippy dreams about what would happen if he filled his house with piss and shit and pubes, just like Bungle does/I do:

Zippy’s dream somehow involves Geoffrey with a bin on his head, looking for Bungle so he can kill him.

5

 

In Zippy’s dream, Bungle is the ‘scrapdragon’. Bungle manages to simultaneously wear more than usual, and look worse than he does naked.

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“Scrapdragon! I’ve come to remove the Princess George from your piles of piss and shit.”

8

Geoffrey would look a bit more threatening if he didn’t have that Rainbow sticker on his bin.

Bungle (sorry, Scrapdragon) manages to be even more of a loser than normal, by admitting that Zippy (sorry, the Lord of Litter) took the woman one that he originally stole.

With me so far? Bungle was bad, now Zippy bad, Bungle shit. As usual.

Sorry. Lord of Litter etc.

Meanwhile, the “beautiful” Princess George is trapped in the castle, sweeping up Zippy’s used scratchcards and fag ends.

9

“Oh woe is me! I am the beautiful Princess, who will rescue me? Who? Which brave, handsome knight will come to my aid?”

niceguy

“For fuck’s sake.”

Zippy, even in his dreams, is the best one.

11

“Lord of the litter, Ruler of the refuse, Tyrant of the trash, Governor of the garbage!”

Yes you are.

Geoffrey’s still wearing that Saved By The Bell hoodie under his ‘armour’.

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I’m still writing this while hammered you know. Have you donated to charity? Please donate to some dogs or something.

Anyway. Geoffrey’s massive comeback? “You should do it yourself!”

Unsurprisingly, this does not sway the evil lord Zippy, and he demands a duel with Geoffrey.

OMG! Zippy might die!

Never mind, it’s ‘Choose your weapon, and Zippy has chosen ‘paper darts’, not ‘guns’

Geoffrey still wins.

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He threatens Zippy with a paper aeroplane, in Zippy’s dream. And somehow that’s reality.

George has nagged Zippy all through his nap. Thanks George. You fucking woman.

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Later on, Zippy has put some of his papers in the bin. Give him a fucking medal.

Bungle’s made a poster, which makes no sense, and which they’ll put up in the fucking living room, thus making sure no fucker sees it

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You know what, I’m going to leave it here. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from today it’s this:

“No.”

Fin.

Please have a look at my Patreon if you like my stuff.

One thought on “Rainbow episode review: Keep Britain Tidy

  1. Thank you for the great read. Geoffrey’s shirt. I’m trying to sort out where his “what is cool” reference points came from. There was a Rainbow episode once in which Zippy’s cousin Zippo made an appearance wearing neon-ish 80s/90s Fresh Prince gear…but he was talking like an early-60s beatnik, even with poetic-ish rhymes. How did that combo happen? Was that a window into Geoffrey’s garbled definition of cool? Like when my boomer father mentions Mannheim Steamroller’s Christmas music as modern and wild, or when police form rock bands to play oldies at anti-drug-abuse school assemblies? I hope that Geoffrey still wears this stuff in Rainbow-retirement.

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