Right let’s start the new year as we mean to carry on – by writing shit that 7 people will read.
I keep seeing books with titles like ‘Love’s Long Fanny’, ‘He Lit Up My Bum’, and ‘They Met In Netto’. These are in spinning wire racks in charity shops and are read by horny old ladies. I’ve never read one, but I like to look at the covers and imagine what the stories are.
Join me for tales of romance, intrigue, and accidental farting…
It’s the horse isn’t it. The horse is the dangerous lover. We’ve all heard that story.
Grace Before Meat
In which the dashing Edward Meat is out for a stroll with the lovely Miss Grace, and he says “No, after you, I insist”.
Thinking about it, I’m not sure I wouldn’t put a quid on that being the actual plot.
In which Misty McShisty is so used to farting in front of her blind husband, she accidentally lets one out in front of the doctor. I don’t know how her husband being blind covers up her farting.
Also, what kind of hospital has its own librarian? And again, what use is that to her husband?
Susan Hegemony dreams of becoming an actress on the silver screen, but is held back on account of her being a giant floating head. Will the dashing film director Alan Batman spot her potential?
Sheila Trousers is a shy and retiring girl from Penistone. That changes one day when the local lardmonger asks if she’d like to sample his baps. And then he says “How’s thee fettlin’?”
Nurse Saxon’s Patient
But not that fucking patient.
Pact Without Desire
“But Charles,” says Lady Fuckingham. “Could you ever love me and this miniature family growing out of my chest?” “Of course,” says Charles. “In fact, you could say I’m ‘pact with desire’ for you!” “That’s not the title you idiot” says Lady Fuckingham.
Richard Needles is having a crisis of confidence – what will his new wife Jane think when she finds out he just farted? Little does he know it was her that farted…
Promise Of The Unicorn
“Where’s that unicorn you promised me?” asks Miranda. “Oh wait, never mind, I can feel it in your trousers.”
The Feathered Shaft
Can Sally O’Bumbag stick with her husband Gil, despite the crippling ailment he picked up at the owl sanctuary?
Master Of The House
“Darling I love you so.”
“But I must demand respect, for I am the master of the house.”
“Darling can you please stop watching Emmerdale Farm for five minutes?”
The Dark Stranger
Lily is having her fortune told by Madame Vagisil, but the disembodied head of her future husband keeps interrupting to ask where she’s put his tape measure.
“Dear, I know you wanted a no-nonsense, practical marriage, but I’m tired of living in the model village.”