Yesterday I bought a copy of Twinkle – the picture paper specially for little girls, off the market.

1

I love Twinkle, and I was about to mentally thank the previous owner, when I noticed the selfish bitch had already done the puzzles.

2

I hope she didn’t win a Werebear.

Much more promising was the BABYSITTING GAME, in which you must look after your baby sibling, despite being about 3 yourself, and despite your dad being there. I think your dad has more important things to do, like watching Spender.

3

I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with these shit ‘board games’ you get in magazines. I can’t even play it because you have to provide your own dice and counters. Also Alex refused to play it with me, citing that he “had to do a thing”.

Instead, I’m forced to imagine I’m playing the BABYSITTING GAME. This approach has its merits, because at least I’ll definitely win.

OK, imaginary me threw a 5 with my imaginary dice.

4a

The baby is happy to play with various nails and shit he found outside while I watch Peppa Pig, because I am 3. Remember, Dad is still shirking his parental responsibilities.

Move forward three spaces! Sadly, because I am a toddler I can’t count to three, so I move forward two spaces instead.

4

Wait, what?

What?

A building brick lands on my toe so I immediately run away and hide. Is the baby threatening me with further missiles? Dad really should step in at this point.

Oh fuck I’ve just noticed, I have to go back to the start. Even fictional me can’t win at this fucking game, against myself.

For fuck’s sake.

6

Right I’ve had enough of this. Imaginary me has somehow managed to throw a 9. With one dice. That’s how this works.

5

Hooray it’s time to put baby to bed! Again, where are any parents? The baby is the same bastard size as me, how am I supposed to get it up the stairs?

I’m making progress anyway. Unfortunately, my imaginary dice throws a 10, which puts me back here:

4

I know why they call this bit ‘Puzzle Time’ now. I’m fucking confused.

OK, it’s time to throw a 5.

finish

Hooray. I have beaten myself. Dad still off somewhere, watching Spender.

Now it’s time to colour the picture using my paints or crayons. I probably won’t do that, if I’m perfectly honest.

Fin.

If you’d like to contribute to this nonsense, have a look at my Patreon.

4 thoughts on “Let’s lose at the Twinkle Babysitting Game

  1. I have quite a collection (smug) of Twinkle Anuuals. It was a gateway comic to Bunty then Hi!
    (Which no one remembers and I’m sure I didn’t make up the clip on black hoop earrings that came free with the first one).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 1990? That cover art style is more like mid 1950s to early 1960s. No wonder the 90s kids were all off their heads on E and glow sticks if this was the alternative.

    Like

    1. A kid scrumping apples and then off to bake a pie – I thought 1970s at the latest. It’s like the old books I used to find in my much-older cousins’ houses.

      Like

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