Look what we bought when we nipped out for milk:
It’s made, unsurprisingly, by the same people who brought you 100,000 shit Clipart.
Anyway, since I am rubbish at the internet, I thought it might be good to have a learn of how to web and such. I want to go on the Information Superhighway please. Maybe I can even design my own web page on Geocities, or I could email… Daphne & Celeste? Crazy Frog?
Let’s see then…
This is ace, because it’s going to show me how to use the inbox and outbox, and also how to ‘log on’ to the internet.
Soon this will be me:
I will be balls deep in web pages and Alta Vista. If I had balls, which I don’t because I am a woman one. I don’t have Alta Vista either. I do have wine though. This is going to be brilliant.
Oh God it’s multimedia and everything! I bet it has WAP. And Polyphonic ring tones.
I must let you know that this does come with its own banging music:
OK, let’s get to work accessing the Information M62.
Right, I know what Internet Explorer is – it’s what people used before they used Chrome and Opera (depending on your level of degeneracy).
“All you need to access the Internet is a modem and an account with an Internet Service Provider (ISP). Choose a modem with the V90 standard. This communication standard is recognised by almost all ISPs, and gives the highest communication speed possible from a ‘standard modem’.”
What’s a modem? Also, what’s a internet? Especially what’s a V90.
“Nowadays you can find numerous ISPs that will provide free access with no subscription, for example “Line One”, “Freeserve” and “Waitrose.com”.”
I tried going on Waitrose.com, but all I found was ‘Kale and quinoa burgers’. No free internet for me. Maybe they can tell I was born in Leeds.
I don’t care, I’ll get my internet how everyone gets it – off the neighbours! Now then, would I like a tip of the day? You bet I would!
“In order to help you when you use Internet Explorer, you can ask for the tip of the day to be displayed. Scroll down the View menu. Select Explorer bar then Tip of the Day. A new section opens up in the lower part of the Internet Explorer window. The information displayed in this section changes each time you start Internet Explorer. If you wish, you can choose other tips by clicking the Next Tip button.”
I have a tip for you: Don’t use Internet Explorer it’s shit.
“The Web is constantly developing and its size can be scary. So you should not visit it blindly! For your first steps, it seems better to use a search engine, such as Yahoo, Lycos, Ask Jeeves etc… In order to connect to these, just type in http://www.yahoo.co.uk, http://www.lycos.co.uk or http://www.ask.co.uk in the address bar and press the Enter key. Choose one of the subjects offered by Yahoo. Most of the time, you will only need a few clicks to get to a specific page.”
Holy fucking shit, Ask Jeeves is still going! Hooray! Although now it’s called ask.com. I think Jeeves has been sent to live on a farm in Canada, after he constantly failed to find decent porn for people.
Let’s see if they’ve improved since having Jeeves put down:
Let’s move on.
“On some Web sites, you will find hyperlinks that reference files. To download such files to your computer, just click the corresponding link and select the ‘Save this file to disk’ option in the dialog box.”
At which point this happens, even if you’re trying to download a small drawing of a rat.
OK fuck the wider web, let’s concentrate on people we know. Let’s learn how to send electronic mail!
This loser only has 3 emails. I have 6686 unread emails, and I’m still a loser.
“In order to send and receive electronic messages, you must enter the details of your e-mail account.”
What if I want to send an anonymous email? What if I want to tell Daniel Bedingfield he smells, but I don’t want to get arrested?
Your ‘electronic mail’ account also comes with an outbox, in case you’d like to review all the drunken emails you sent last night. You can’t unsend them though, just because.
Please note that this gentleman’s outbox contains no messages which start with “No but listen…”, or “Fuck I still love you…”
He is a wise user of the Information A19.
Right, let’s try to get our minds off the last night’s drunken emails by making new friends!
“As with everybody else, you probably have one or more hobbies. If your family does not share the same interests, you will now be able to communicate with other people who are in the same situation through a news server.”
“One or more hobbies.”
“One or more hobbies.”
“One or more hobbies.”
Fine, let’s go with it and assume I have “one or more hobbies”. Maybe I can find like minded people across the globe!
Or I could chat to ‘Jigger1987’.
I won’t. I have too many friends as it is, considering I don’t really like other people.
In the demo, the lady joined a golf newsgroup. This is why we shouldn’t pay any more attention to this. For fuck’s sake.
Last but not least, we have ‘how to do this network thing with your colleagues that I don’t really know what it is.’
If you have people you’re supposed to talk to, you can set up a ‘net meeting’ with them. This is where you all get together and are supposed to be discussing work stuff, but in reality you’re all just sending each other links to HOTMIDGETSEX.
“In a conversation, it is sometimes useful to draw or to communicate graphic items for your correspondent. In order to do so, choose the Whiteboard command in the Tools menu or press Ctrl+W. All the items drawn or placed in the white board appear on your correspondent’s screen.”
Yeah, that’ll help.
You know what? Fuck this. I’m sick of trying to talk to random people and Jeeves and shit. I’ll just wait until tomorrow, and then I can chat to Ronan Keating.