Today’s post is very exciting – I am doing cooking!

Sort of.

This isn’t going to be a proper recipe post, because I’m not going to write down my life story and every thought I’ve ever had before we get to the food part. Sorry about that.

Right, this is what we are making:

monster 1

You understand why I’m sceptical of the claim that this falls into the category of ‘cooking’. However, it is around the right skill level for me, so I am optimistic.Right, let’s crack on:

monster 2

The banana seems quite important, so ideally don’t forget the banana.

“Some small sweets”. Smarties dude, they’re called Smarties.


Step 1:

monster 3

Oh, I am all over this. I am a boss at cooking. I should immediately move on to a souffle or Cock o Van after this.


Step 2:

monster 4a

monster 4b

This step is a bit more complicated. I’ve never cut a slit in a banana before. I suspect no one has.

Lads, this happened:


It’s OK, I’ve got a spare banana.



Great work Jen, you’ve managed to successfully cut a bit out of a banana, as instructed by a recipe for 3 year olds. On the second attempt. For fuck’s sake. Oh well, onwards.

Step 3:

monster 5

Oh Christ this is starting to demand Gordon Ramsay levels of skill. Given this, it should definitely help if I yell at the banana that it’s a bastard.


That took a surprisingly long time. Also, it’s a bit difficult to get the Smarties to stay on the banana. I’m considering using glue.

A ha – resourcefulness to the rescue!



Step fucking 4

monster 6

Put banana in milk. Got it.

Ta da.


I’ll be honest, I was expecting to feel more of a sense of accomplishment. Now I’ve got a banana in some milk, which I am not going to eat as it will probably kill me. I’m not sure what to do with it. I spent my Friday evening doing this.


There’s extra stuff on my Patreon if you’d like to help support this nonsense.


4 thoughts on “The Monster in the Milk: Cooking with Rainbow

  1. Hah, I’d like to see Nigella doing as well as this.

    You do know The Great British Bake Off is looking for a new presenter? Hint, hint.



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