This episode is about:
– Dick Turpin
– Dick Turnip
– Being shit at arresting people
– DIY wigs
With that in mind, let’s begin.
Geoffrey is telling George all about Dick Turpin, and how he used to murder people, and how he will murder George and all the viewers if they don’t behave:
“What a naughty man!” says George, failing to grasp the seriousness of the situation.
Zippy arrives, and is ecstatic to be told about “Dick Turnip”, because this means he isn’t the most evil one in the Rainbow house any more. To celebrate this, he suggests dressing up and acting out the story of Dick Turnip.
Pop quiz: Is Zippy going to be:
A) Dick Turnip
B) Dick Zippy (obviously not as that sounds so wrong)
C) “Zippy the Good”
The answer is – none of them, you’re all wrong. Unless you said C, in which case you’re right. Poor Geoffrey is relegated to being “naughty Dick Turnip”.
Isn’t it a stroke of luck that the small dressing up box they own just happened to have a Highwayman costume at the top? Geoffrey thinks so.
“I’ll need a hankie!”
“Why Geoffrey, have you got a cold?”
“Shut up George, this is why you’re the worst one. The hankie is so Geoffrey can escape the rozzers.”
Everyone agrees that while Bungle isn’t in the room, George is indeed the worst one.
Where is Bungle?
Next item on the agenda: Geoffrey needs a horse, because Dick Turnip didn’t go round in an Uber.
Given Rainbow’s history, I’m dreading what’s coming next.
Luckily, before I can drink all the booze in the house at 10 in the morning, George suggests Geoffrey use a sweeping brush. Good idea, because then the horse will be able to clean up its own shit. Bungle can’t do that.
Still no Bungle. They haven’t even acknowledged his absence. Have they finally got sick of his shit and grassed him up for tax fraud?
Right, onto the story. Jane is going to London to sing at the King.
Still no Bungle! Lads, I am actually getting mega worried they might have killed Bungle and buried him in a big fat hole.
Oh fuck never mind.
“HANG ON JANE, BEFORE YOU GO YOU NEED TO PUT ON THIS SHIT NECKLACE THAT I MADE OUT OF MILK BOTTLE TOPS AND MY OWN HAIR.”
Bungle also warns Jane not to let anyone steal her necklace, as if they would.
“Oh don’t worry, Rod and Freddy are coming with me.”
Rod and Freddy.
Hardened criminals are cowering in fear.
Deciding that she’d rather take her chances with muggers than stand next to Bungle for another second, Jane leaves for London.
Meanwhile, naughty Dick Turnip is hanging out in the forest, being naughty.
I love it when Geoffrey gets to evil it up.
Rod Jane and Freddy are making excellent progress, to say their coach is made of cardboard and those wheels don’t go round, and they’ve just imagined their horses. At least Dick Turnip had the presence of mind to get a sort of horse, instead of just knobbing around like Monty Python with coconuts.
Dick Turnip is waiting for the coach, because he somehow knew that they’d be coming through the forest at this exact time. My guess is that Bungle tipped him off by accident.
*Dick Turnip knocks at the door*
“Hello, I am a completely ordinary olden days plague salesman. Do you have anyone in your house that wants to buy some plague?”
“No, my daughter might have done, but she set off to London wearing an expensive necklace at 9.23am, in a coach travelling 0.75 miles an hour.”
Dick Turnip jumps out at the coach and begins his mugging.
Freddy’s face. MY SIDES.
Jane hasn’t noticed what’s going on. “Coachman – why have we stopped?”
I think a better question would have been “How did we start?”
“Oh, it’s OK, I’ve got Rod and Freddy with me, it’ll be fine.”
I fucking told you this would happen Jane.
But wait! Who’s this? Why’ it’s “Zippy the Good” (TM) who just happens to be wandering through the forest looking for business to stick his nose in.
Zippy has a mega genius, big brain plan to save the day. This involves instructing Rod and Freddy to stop being so wet, and… well, see for yourself.
And then Zippy gets the credit for… supervising?
Right, if I was getting mugged, Zippy’s plan to help would be to yell “Jen, stop him mugging you”. Great.
Naughty Dick Turnip is taken to court.
Lads, look at this:
I’ve always wanted to make this wig, and as luck would have it, I have a few toilet roll tubes knocking about:
Now Alex can judge that I’m mental and crap. In hindsight, I think I should have waited until I had a few more tubes. Oh well.
Back to the plot. The courtroom drama begins! Everyone’s giving evidence. Jane’s like “get the hell on with this George, he’s trying to touch me again”.
After a nail-biting trial, Dick Turnip is found guilty.
Imagine my shock.
Dick Turnip is sentenced to some light housework, using his horse to clean the house. After the sentencing, Rod, Jane and Freddy sing a song about how Dick Turnip tried to mug them.
Imagine if all witness impact statements were this fun.
And that’s the end of today’s thrilling episode, in which we learned that crime doesn’t pay, and that if you ever see someone being mugged, your best option is to shout at them to stop getting mugged.