Do you like films that are called ‘TITS OF VENGEANCE’ and ‘BIG KICK’? I do, which is why I like to spend my time looking at VHS covers and imagining what the films might be like. This is because I am too boring and lazy to actually get the films.

Let’s have a look through some awesome VHS titles full of shooting and kicking and more shooting, and then I’ll go back to watching QVC, because that’s what I do.

Gymkata

gymkata

This man’s opponents have actual machine guns, and still he manages to beat them up using only the power of aerobics. I like to think that once his enemies are lying in a bloody heap on the floor, our hero grapevines away.

Those guys must be really shit ninjas.

Out Of Bounds

david moyes

Is that… David Moyes?

Dead Man Walking

dead man walking

What is any of this. Why is there a man standing in a scrapyard, and also some other men who are going skiing? I assume the main dude is Wings Hauser, and the other three are played by Certain Death, Ultimate Power, and Welcome To The Future. I like how the big dude has painted his face to try and blend in with the sky. Unfortunately, he’s still conspicuous on account of being a giant floating head.

Die Cash & Carry

die cash and carry

Right, either this is German and the film is called ‘The Cash & Carry’, or someone really hates Cash & Carries. What did JTF ever do to you? Also, they wouldn’t let you in JTF dressed like that. And you need a membership card to get in anyway.

GMBH stands for ‘Good morning bollock head’, which is how they greet the staff in JTF, which is why they’re not allowed in JTF.

Equalizer 2000

equalizer 2000

I remember the year 2000, and it didn’t involve that guy and his gurning woman standing there on fire, while miniature police dick about in a panic and can’t even decide which way to go. Mostly it was just ringtones.

Kickboxer Cop

kickboxer cop

The woman is Andrew Stevens then, and the man is ‘world champion of kickboxer Karen Shepherd’. Glad that’s cleared up. I’ve never seen anyone look so bored while doing a roundhouse kick. Maybe she’s thinking of the incident report form she’ll have to fill in later.

Lethal Pursuit

lethal pursuit

In the world of action movies, one of the most dangerous jobs you can have is ‘giant floating head’. Observe that the normal sized man is able to shoot Gary in the chin just by pointing his gun upwards. His girlfriend is all ‘I fucking told you Gary. I told you we shouldn’t go round being all giant.’ And Gary’s like ‘Yeah fucking thanks for that Sheila. Now’s not the time.’

Ignore the man on the floor, he’s just having a nice rest.

Not Another Mistake

not another mistake

I assume the title is supposed to be like ‘Lads, we can’t make any more mistakes or we’re fucked’, but all I can see is those three going “Oh gee whiz, not another mistake! That’s seven mistakes in a row now!” And then the Curb Your Enthusiasm music plays.

RAGE

rage

Pop quiz. Which bits of this photo have been added in by hand?

A) The exploding car
B) The giant eyes
C) Neither of them

Because to be fair, if you were driving through the city and those eyes appeared in the middle of the business district, you’d crash your fucking car too. Especially if the word ‘RAGE’ also appeared.

“Somewhere between sanity and madness.” But let’s be real here – it’s leaning more in one direction than the other isn’t it.

Stryker

stryker

This man, whose hair is trying to float away from his head, seems quite excited to be pointing a gun at that lady. Well, we don’t know that’s it’s a whole lady, it might just be a leg. Whatever it is, it pulsates with vibrant life.

Those ladies on the motorbike are on fire, but they don’t seem to mind.

2019

2019

Like the year 2000, I also remember the year 2019. This did not happen. I certainly don’t remember ALF making a comeback. They did get the ‘men wearing leggings’ bit right though.

There’s extra stuff on my Patreon if you’d like to help support this nonsense.

6 thoughts on “Stupid Action VHS Covers

  1. Gymkata is mentioned in The Lego Batman Movie, when Robin says he knows it: “The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate!” So that’s one good thing about it. Another good thing is that it features the hero on a pommel horse kicking over a village full of lunatics. And it has a character called Thorg. Better than The King’s Speech, I’m saying.

    Like

Well?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s