Do you like films that are called ‘TITS OF VENGEANCE’ and ‘BIG KICK’? I do, which is why I like to spend my time looking at VHS covers and imagining what the films might be like. This is because I am too boring and lazy to actually get the films.
Let’s have a look through some awesome VHS titles full of shooting and kicking and more shooting, and then I’ll go back to watching QVC, because that’s what I do.
This man’s opponents have actual machine guns, and still he manages to beat them up using only the power of aerobics. I like to think that once his enemies are lying in a bloody heap on the floor, our hero grapevines away.
Those guys must be really shit ninjas.
Out Of Bounds
Is that… David Moyes?
Dead Man Walking
What is any of this. Why is there a man standing in a scrapyard, and also some other men who are going skiing? I assume the main dude is Wings Hauser, and the other three are played by Certain Death, Ultimate Power, and Welcome To The Future. I like how the big dude has painted his face to try and blend in with the sky. Unfortunately, he’s still conspicuous on account of being a giant floating head.
Die Cash & Carry
Right, either this is German and the film is called ‘The Cash & Carry’, or someone really hates Cash & Carries. What did JTF ever do to you? Also, they wouldn’t let you in JTF dressed like that. And you need a membership card to get in anyway.
GMBH stands for ‘Good morning bollock head’, which is how they greet the staff in JTF, which is why they’re not allowed in JTF.
I remember the year 2000, and it didn’t involve that guy and his gurning woman standing there on fire, while miniature police dick about in a panic and can’t even decide which way to go. Mostly it was just ringtones.
The woman is Andrew Stevens then, and the man is ‘world champion of kickboxer Karen Shepherd’. Glad that’s cleared up. I’ve never seen anyone look so bored while doing a roundhouse kick. Maybe she’s thinking of the incident report form she’ll have to fill in later.
In the world of action movies, one of the most dangerous jobs you can have is ‘giant floating head’. Observe that the normal sized man is able to shoot Gary in the chin just by pointing his gun upwards. His girlfriend is all ‘I fucking told you Gary. I told you we shouldn’t go round being all giant.’ And Gary’s like ‘Yeah fucking thanks for that Sheila. Now’s not the time.’
Ignore the man on the floor, he’s just having a nice rest.
Not Another Mistake
I assume the title is supposed to be like ‘Lads, we can’t make any more mistakes or we’re fucked’, but all I can see is those three going “Oh gee whiz, not another mistake! That’s seven mistakes in a row now!” And then the Curb Your Enthusiasm music plays.
Pop quiz. Which bits of this photo have been added in by hand?
A) The exploding car
B) The giant eyes
C) Neither of them
Because to be fair, if you were driving through the city and those eyes appeared in the middle of the business district, you’d crash your fucking car too. Especially if the word ‘RAGE’ also appeared.
“Somewhere between sanity and madness.” But let’s be real here – it’s leaning more in one direction than the other isn’t it.
This man, whose hair is trying to float away from his head, seems quite excited to be pointing a gun at that lady. Well, we don’t know that’s it’s a whole lady, it might just be a leg. Whatever it is, it pulsates with vibrant life.
Those ladies on the motorbike are on fire, but they don’t seem to mind.
Like the year 2000, I also remember the year 2019. This did not happen. I certainly don’t remember ALF making a comeback. They did get the ‘men wearing leggings’ bit right though.