You know what sentence I never thought I’d have to write? “In this story, Bob fucks Dizzy the cement mixer up the bum.” Yet here I am.
The events leading up to me writing this aren’t important, but they involve a hangover and Leeds beating Millwall. All you need to know is that I went down a rabbit hole featuring cement mixer buttocks, giant dildos and Postman Pat. Yes, poor Pat gets dragged into this too.
Disclaimer: Some of these are probably jokes. I hope they are. If you wrote one of these, and you’re reading this, I’d put money on you not passing a DBS check.
OK, let’s begin. Have some Toilet Duck on hand, to drink.
In case you don’t fancy Toilet Duck, I’ll be accompanying each entry with a picture of a suitable thing to drink while reading the… literature.
Bob and the Mixer
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Summary: Bob does Dizzy the cement mixer up the wrong’un.
Excerpt:
So. Cement mixers have buttocks. That’s something you don’t learn every day. Also, they have to keep their affair from Wendy, because Wendy would be somehow jealous instead of terrified and disgusted.
Bob the Builder x Dizzy
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Summary: Bob, for some reason, has built a wall with a giant dildo sticking out of it. Dizzy has a go on it, then Bob turns up and joins in.
Excerpt:
One of the chapters is called “daddy bob uwu”. This is the correct time to open your Toilet Duck.
Spoiler alert: Turns out Bob is actually a cyborg and his dick is made of cement, or something. I don’t know, I started crying around this point.
A Real Man
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Summary: Postman Pat is Bob’s new postman. They have sex, and Dora the Explorer and Swiper join in. And there’s some sort of concert they go to.
Excerpt:
Right, I don’t give a fuck if you’re trying to be edgy and random, this is still making me drink Toilet Duck. If you’re going to write Bob/Pat/K-Pop crossover erotic fiction, don’t have them all just fuck a body pillow and then the end. Also don’t write that in the first place.
50 Shades Of Bob The Builder
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Summary: Bob appears to have a mental breakdown while trying to fuck Angelina Ballerina and Thomas the Tank Engine.
Excerpt:
In an interesting literary take, the author switches from third to first person and back again with no warning. This is to keep us on our toes.
The author has a similar writing style to me. This is not a good thing. I only exist to be an example to others.
Hitting The Nail On The Head
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Summary: Bob supplements his building work by becoming a male escort. He also buys an ice cream van, for reasons I can’t quite fathom.
Excerpt:
In this universe, I suspect Bob is a 17 year old emo who still lives with his parents, and brags about having sex with ladies in cars. Possibly to cover up the fact that he’d rather be doing it with gentlemen in the cars. Dude it’s current year, no one gives a fuck, just be gay. It’s not like you’re trying to fuck a cement mixer.
It shouldn’t Have Happened
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Summary: Bob the Builder goes on a date to Olive Garden with Barney the Dinosaur.
Excerpt:
“He was probably straight.” Lad, you’re trying to fuck an inflatable purple dinosaur and ‘him not being gay’ is the thing you’re worried about?
You’re damn fucking right it shouldn’t have happened.
Help me. Help me. I need brain bleach. Stat.
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You got namechecked in last week’s PopBitch – good call!
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