Hello, it’s bastard cold here, so I thought I’d write about how the Rainbow gang cope when it’s bastard cold.
Hint: it doesn’t occur to them to put clothes on.
“IT’S SNOWING IT’S SNOWING IT’S SNOWING IT’S SNOWING IT’S SNOWING IT’S SNOWING IT’S SNOWING” yells Bungle, x 1000.
No it fucking isn’t, you liar. Someone’s just coloured the windows in blue.
Geoffrey continues the lie by coming in and claiming to be covered in snow.
I don’t care what you say Geoffrey. If Bungle said it, it must be wrong. Go fool someone else with your snow.
“I expect you’ve guessed what the weather’s like today!”
Yes I have Geoffrey. Today’s weather is ‘you’re lying’.
Zippy, George and Bungle all have a period over what snow-related activity to do first, while Geoffrey looks on thinking ‘Fooled them again. God I’m good.’
“Snowballs with bricks in them!”
“You do that brick thing again Bungle, and I’ll kill you” says Geoffrey.
“Anyway,” Geoffrey continues, “Your ideas are all shit. What we are doing is going on a pretend Arctic expedition.”
The gang react as if Geoffrey had just suggested Blackjack and hookers.
Damn it. Now I really want a Rainbow episode where they do nothing but gamble and hire prostitutes. At this point I need to take a good look at myself.
“Right, let’s get all the shit we’ll need for our imaginary expedition, which is just us walking round in the garden. And some of us are naked.”
Cut to the imaginary expedition, because that’s what they do on Rainbow.
I’ll be honest lads, I wasn’t prepared for this:
I had to take a break from writing this after discovering they’ve used Bungle to pull the sled. Why is he still naked? I know he’s got a scarf and snow shoes on, but come on, they’re more like kinky porn accessories.
Why is Zippy shouting “mush”.
I still can’t write this properly.
Why have they done this.
There’s so much to unpack here, but I am not the person to do it. Let’s attempt to crack on, even though I’m laughing to the point of wee.
Geoffrey looks so pleased with himself. R.I.P. my sides at this point.
“Please stop making me do this,” says Bungle (in my head)
“Fine,” says Geoffrey. “Let’s stop and set up camp here. Who packed the food?”
“No, I packed my telescope,” says George.
“And I packed my tape player” says Zippy.
“I packed the food!” says Bungle.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Bungle’s Revenge.
“As punishment for making me pull the sled, you have salad and ice cream for dinner. Checkmate warm bigots.”
“But Bungle, we need hot food, to warm us up!”
“Well I’m warm enough after pulling you around, and quite frankly I don’t care if you all die of hypochondria, because that’ll be less weight for me.”
Screenshot unrelated, but entertaining:
To distract from the ‘Alive!/Lord Of The Flies’ style of this episode, let’s have a song from Rod Jane and Freddy!
There’s nothing much to say about this, except for that Rod is the best one, as usual.
When that’s finished, we have a look through George’s telescope.
“Look! Tracks in the snow!”
Well, footprints. Rod, Jane and Freddy footprints, I would put money on.
Who’d have thought.
Why is Geoffrey waving like they’re 9 miles away.
Rod Jane and Freddy have saved everyone from Hydrophobia, because they’ve brought hot soup and tea! Hooray!
Is this a good time to point out that they were only ever in the back garden in some mild sleet, and why were Rod Jane and Freddy exploring in their back garden?
Whatever. Before they go inside, Geoffrey decides to take a picture of everyone at the ‘North Pole’, so he can put it on Instagram and everyone can comment with “so stunning and brave” or something.
On their imaginary way back from the North Pole, Bungle manages to cop a feel of Jane:
“Are you sure this is the way back Jane?” *grab*
“Yes Bungle.” *slap*
“Oooh this wind is so hard Jane. It’s not the only thing that’s hard…”
Wait, why is Freddy now pulling the sled?
Is this the hierarchy they have going on on Rainbow? Alpha has sex with Jane, Beta has sex with Dawn, all others pull the sled and have sex with Bungle?
It would be an interesting academic study.
I’ll leave you on that note, apart from the following image:
HOW TINY IS BUNGLE’S HAND. WHY?