Hello. You know what would make us millennials feel smug? Laughing at the furniture our parents decided was acceptable. They only decided on this furniture because they were off their tits on Babycham, Mirage, or stale tea out of a flask at Ingoldmells. And all this while they were telling you it was wrong to run round yelling with your finger up your nose.

Exhibit A

c

This is not what you do when you need to furnish your house. You do not go to the airport and nick some seats from the Business Class waiting room.

Exhibit B

a

This sofa has gone for the theme of Van Gogh mixed with some sick. “Stains don’t show up on it though.”

“Free home delivery, but if you want us to not deliver it you have to pay us.”

Exhibit C

d

She looks very pleased, considering she owns all that tiny furniture that’s been burned in a fire. ‘Black Ash’ is the reason MFI were able to have a space program.

Exhibit D

e

You can just smell the bunion ointment in this room. 89 year old Gladys is not fooling anyone into thinking she’s an 18th century aristocrat.

Also, it’s really annoying me that there’s one apple that’s fallen out of the bowl. Must invent time travel so I can go back and fix that. And also not have had that perm when I was 17.

Exhibit E

f

Here we have a selection of ‘misc’. I’m not sure I can add to the story being told in this picture, so make up your own insults, while I have a piss.

Exhibit F

indexa

It would be easy to point out that this is the Saved By The Bell opening credits, but it is also the Video Collection ident.

Personally I can’t look at this settee without picturing Lee, former Blind Date contestant, having sex with a lady he picked up in a wine bar.

Exhibit G

piss mats

Right. For those of you under 30, let me explain. In order to protect the bathroom floor, your mum would put one of these mats around the toilet, so that they would catch all the stray piss from your dad when he’s been to the working men’s club.

The pink octopus looking thing is a toilet roll cover, to hide the shame of owning toilet roll.

Exhibit H

shelves index

OK, this is a pretty bog standard set of shelves, but what I really want to know is – is that Daphne from Frasier?

Look at those high trousers.

Exhibit I

slipper

Here’s what you do:

– Get your enemy to sit on the settee wearing the huge slipper.

– Yell “FIRE!”

– Laugh as they fall on their face.

Exhibit J

video library index

Let’s finish with a classic – ‘Video Library’ VHS cases. This is for if all your videos are really embarrassing, like “Des from Coronation Street’s 10 greatest road accidents”. With the Video Library covers, your friends assume you just own the complete works of Shakespeare, as long as they don’t actually look at the writing on them. What am I talking about? If you own “Des from Coronation Street’s 10 greatest road accidents”, you don’t have friends.

There’s a load more shit on my Patreon, if you’d like to help support this nonsense.

12 thoughts on “Let’s laugh at shit furniture

  1. Hahaha I can’t stop laughing at this… I remember Black Ash furniture so well. Loads of people wanted Black Ash furniture in their living rooms…but they were wankers! Because Black Ash was really only supposed to be for Bedroom furniture.
    I think it was superceded by a sort of stained woodgrain effect? Usually the opposite way around to the norm too, because the outer units had the effect and the doors & drawers were white. And I think that you could choose from Pale Blue, Pale Green and even Pale Grey Wash effect.
    And obviously, just like any other MFI or INDEX furniture, it was proper shitty quality, that peeled or completely fell apart in no time at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d forgotten how much I hoped to own furniture like F when I grew up. It would have looked great in my imaginary 80s “loft”.

    Is the thing on the top shelf of H a horseduck?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As an Old Person I feel qualified to point out sone of the more rococo features of this collection which you may have missed. Particularly Exhibit I, where I must stress that the Huge Slipper is actually electrically heated, so yelling “FIRE” would have been pretty convincing as you’re dealing with a demographic which has been brought up by Public Information Films to regard the mere act of plugging in the kettle to be suicidally unsafe.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Also can I point out that one of the manufacturers on Exhibit I is the firm “Cozee Cumfort”, which made sense as a brand name only until someone asked what your Cum Fort was protecting you from…

    They just call themselves “Cozee” these days, this proving me right and reassuring us all that the world is genuinely full of people like me.

    Liked by 1 person

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