Hello, how are you? I am fine. Do you like to to spend your weekends blocking out your pain by drinking stuff? Me too! This hobby is called “getting hammered off your tits”, and has recently been given a classy makeover by the inclusion of “cocktails”. Cocktails are when someone puts a bunch of random drinks together, and includes shit that should never see the inside of a glass. Then they add a sprig of mint, and call it “The Jim Bowen” or whatever.

I call this one

I’ve decided that too many cocktails include olives or lemon or some other nonsense, so I’m going to share my own cocktail recipes with you. I’m not sure what they are yet, because to be honest I’m thinking them up as I go, but I’m sure they’ll be brilliant.

The Breakfast Martini

sossidge

Ingredients:

Martini
Sausage
Panadol

A prefect ‘wake me up’ for those busy days doing spreadsheets or something.

The Kill Me Now

kill me now

Ingredients:

Special Brew
Coffee
Sick

The sick isn’t meant to be in there, it’s just that you can’t help doing a sick into the glass because you’re so hungover and depressed.

The Oral B Advert

the oral b

Ingredients:

Toothpaste
Vodka
More Vodka
Don’t include the toothpaste

Perfect for when you have to watch the Oral B advert with that woman.

The Bungle

bungle

Ingredients:

Lemonade
Banks’s Mild
Pubes

For that extra kick, add some bear repellent, which is probably a thing.

The Quiet Night In

quiet night in

Ingredients:

Tea
Vodka
Library Book

Might need a big glass for this. Probably use a bucket. Try to drink good literature, like Orwell or Nabokov, rather than the latest ghost-written shite by Zoella. Your stomach will thank you.

Yes I know that’s badly photoshopped. Sue me.

The Beadle’s About

piss 2

Ingredients:

Booze
Piss

Give this to your enemy, then laugh at them.

The Apocalypse

apocalypse

Ingredients:

Vodka
Gin
Whiskey
Rum
Absinthe
Arsenic
Uranium
Tizer

Mix to taste. If you really want to liven the party up, light a match.

Congratulations on not being dead yet.

Fin.

Would you like to support this shite? I have a Patreon with more stuff on it.

2 thoughts on “The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour

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