Hello, how are you? I am fine. Do you like to to spend your weekends blocking out your pain by drinking stuff? Me too! This hobby is called “getting hammered off your tits”, and has recently been given a classy makeover by the inclusion of “cocktails”. Cocktails are when someone puts a bunch of random drinks together, and includes shit that should never see the inside of a glass. Then they add a sprig of mint, and call it “The Jim Bowen” or whatever.
I’ve decided that too many cocktails include olives or lemon or some other nonsense, so I’m going to share my own cocktail recipes with you. I’m not sure what they are yet, because to be honest I’m thinking them up as I go, but I’m sure they’ll be brilliant.
The Breakfast Martini
A prefect ‘wake me up’ for those busy days doing spreadsheets or something.
The Kill Me Now
The sick isn’t meant to be in there, it’s just that you can’t help doing a sick into the glass because you’re so hungover and depressed.
The Oral B Advert
Don’t include the toothpaste
Perfect for when you have to watch the Oral B advert with that woman.
For that extra kick, add some bear repellent, which is probably a thing.
The Quiet Night In
Might need a big glass for this. Probably use a bucket. Try to drink good literature, like Orwell or Nabokov, rather than the latest ghost-written shite by Zoella. Your stomach will thank you.
Yes I know that’s badly photoshopped. Sue me.
The Beadle’s About
Give this to your enemy, then laugh at them.
Mix to taste. If you really want to liven the party up, light a match.
Congratulations on not being dead yet.