In this episode, Zippy comes up with a genius plan to swindle everyone out of money. Or food. Or to sell them a time share. I’m not sure. Something dastardly anyway.
George has decided to start collecting leaves, like the hoarding mental patient he is.
He has three so far. That is not a collection George, that is you deciding to start carrying three leaves around with you for no real reason. And where are you getting leaves from? All your trees are cardboard and the apples on them have to be attached with nails.
Zippy turns up and pretends to be interested in George’s mental breakdown. Look at his interested face.
Remember earlier when I said that Zippy has a genius plan to con everyone? You might want to keep that in the back of your mind.
Instead of Zippy calling George an idiotic bucket of cat piss like he should, Zippy offers to help him collect more leaves.
“Why?” asks George, because he’s met Zippy.
“Shit, hadn’t thought that far ahead” thinks Zippy.
Zippy mumbles some bullshit about George being his friend, which George just accepts. This is despite the fact that Zippy keeps trying to sell George to Laboratoire Garnier for testing.
Meanwhile, Geoffrey is explaining the concept of washing up.
“Pots, pans, plates…”
Yes Geoffrey thank you. At least you don’t have to worry about cleaning the stuff that’s just drawn on the walls.
Zippy appears. “Geoffrey, I think you’re looking tired.”
“Thanks Zippy. Would you like me to punch you in the face for that remark?”
“No, what I mean is that I’ll do the washing up for you.”
Cue dramatic Crossroads style cliffhanger shot.
“You go have a nice poo, and I’ll finish this.”
Geoffrey, like George, has met Zippy, so he is understandably flummoxed by this kind offer.
“Zippy, you once said if I gave myself a hernia picking up your toys off the floor you’d laugh and take photos.”
“Yes but now I’m a changed man. I went on a course.”
Geoffrey accepts this unlikely premise, and Zippy goes to harass Bungle.
Do you remember the plot point from earlier? Do try to keep it in your mind.
“Hello Bungle I love you and I’d like to help you do whatever nonsense it is that you’re doing.”
“STAY BACK! DON’T TRY THAT AGAIN!”
Once again, we’re about 70 seconds into the episode, and I’ve already written War and Peace. Sorry about that.
“What are you doing
“Geoffrey’s asked me to sort out the loft on account of how he can’t be fucked and I’m the only other vaguely person shaped one. I have to throw all the rubbish out, although I’m not sure why we’re keeping rubbish in the loft to begin with.”
“I’ll sort out the loft for you Bungle!”
“Didn’t you hear me, only I can do it, because you have no legs.”
“Listen you fat fart, I will do it.”
Zippy bows to Bungle like the shithouse he is, while Bungle tries to figure out Zippy’s real motive.
“But why do you want to help me Zippy?”
“Because I’m a nice person Bungle! Only a sex pest would question my motives.”
Bungle doesn’t dare question him for fear of being cancelled. Instead, he takes his fat self over to see Geoffrey.
“Geoffrey, Zippy told me he loved me.”
“Don’t fall for that Bungle, he just wants your money. Also, no one loves you.”
“But he told me to choose a story for you to read! What is this, I can’t read what it says!”
“It’s “Fat Dinnerlady Tits” Bungle. Don’t worry, I’ll read it to you.”
After the story, which is boring, Bungle wonders why Zippy chose to be nice to him.
“Yes Bungle, why would anyone choose to help you? You’re kind of shit all round. Even I’d like to murder you” says Geoffrey.
“Hi Geoffrey,” says George. “I’ve come to grass Zippy up for being nice to me.”
“The fucker!” exclaims Geoffrey. “How dare he!”
George has a think. “I think Zippy’s a big fraud and a bellend” he says.
“Shut up George, just because you didn’t think to do the washing up for me while I had a nice poo.”
OK lads, final warning. Do you remember that plot from earlier about Zippy having a dastardly scheme? Pay attention.
Later on, when Geoffrey comes back from Dawn’s, he is livid.
“Where is that lying little shit?” he demands.
Dawn has told Geoffrey about a contest the local paper is running. The ‘most helpful person in town’ wins a luxury hamper, full of food and booze and hookers. Zippy didn’t tell the others about the contest, because why the fuck should he?
To be serious for a minute Zippy, I think you should consider moving to France, because Geoffrey is actually going to murder you.
George and Bungle completely fail to grasp the implications of Geoffrey’s revelations.
“I like competitions! What do you have to do?”
“Nothing George. Nothing.”
When Zippy turns up to carry on with his evil scheme, I am too distracted by the sight of that ‘Gloy Gum’ to be able to write anything.
Little does Zippy know that Dawn has grassed him up to the others, so he gets a shock when he offers to do more stuff for the others.
“I need you to give me a coffee enema Zippy, I can’t reach” says Bungle.
“And I need you to have sex with Bungle, for some research I’m doing” says George.
“And when you’ve got a minute, will you go threaten ‘Terry Kneecaps’ for me? He owes me a tenner and I need my kneecaps” says Geoffrey.
“What? Get fucked!” says Zippy.
“Don’t you want to win that contest?” says Geoffrey.
“What contest? I don’t know what you’re talking about, and you can’t prove I do” says Zippy.
Zippy is now faced with a dilemma – in order to win the big hamper, he must have sex with Bungle and give him a coffee enema.
“Oh stop worrying you fucking woman, we’re joking” says George.
“I’m not” says Bungle.
The gang reach a compromise – Zippy will do all the things he originally promised to do, and if he wins he has to share the hamper, because communism. In return, Zippy doesn’t have to have sex with Bungle. He does have to go and threaten Terry Kneecaps though.
Once again, Geoffrey has managed to get one over on his 3 year old ward. He is pleased.
And there we leave the Rainbow gang for another day. The moral of today’s story? Never help anyone ever.