If humanity can learn one thing from history, it’s that people used to be really shit at drawing. This is especially true when it comes to royal commemorative plates.

Do you remember when BBC News interviewed that random taxi driver instead of the proper guest? I suspect something similar kept happening during the reign of William and Mary, when it was time to design royal plates.

“You there! Tally ho, you’re late! You better start cracking on with your design.”

“Cor blimey guv, I’m just the local dead body removal man.”

“None of your lip what ho, here’s a felt tip, now get to work!”

wm4

Why does Queen Mary have her tits out? Is this a thing we were never taught in school? Did the royal norks used to be a thing of celebration and wonder? She also has 4 nipples.

Never mind, I’m sure this one was just a blip, and everyone ended up laughing about it down the plague hospital.

Oh.

wm2

Again with the tits out. And is William a stick figure with a long neck or am I being stupid? This is how it would turn out of they’d hired me to make the royal plate.

Proof:

liz plate

At least I didn’t make Her Majesty bloody cross eyed.

wm1

Moving on. This classic example sold for 3 grand at Christies:

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Easily the rudest of the objets d’art so far. William and Mary have the exact same face. That’s worrying. Although it might just be because they’re both hammered.

This artist got a serious fit of depression and ennui halfway through and decided he couldn’t be fucked.

wm5

OK, enough gawping at shit Queen Mary tits porn. Here’s a stunning fresco depicting William on his own:

orange

He’s concentrating really, really hard. Maybe he’s trying to figure out why all his plates end up looking like this.

Mary looks pissed off. Well you would, wouldn’t you.

mary1

“Alan, why do we keep letting the local dung shoveller do the plates?”

“Shut up Malcolm, it’s cheap. It only cost a groat.”

mary3

“Yeah but he’s not even trying now! Her Majesty doesn’t just balance the bastard crown on top of her hair like that!”

mary 2

“Well look Malcolm, maybe it’s just the plate thing that isn’t working out. I bet he’d be brilliant at other stuff. I know, let’s do a royal vase instead!”

william vase

“Right that’s it, I’ve had enough of this Alan. From now on, we’re getting them done by Ye Olde Vistaprinte.”

Fin.

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5 thoughts on “Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates

  1. Absolutely hilarious! I remember there was always an advert for shit plates in the Sunday Paper magazines. Usually on the back page after you had read all the crappy articles about child abandonment or saucy affairs with the neighbors. And not forgetting the ads for Stairlifts or 500 packets of flower seeds for a couple of quid!?
    Oh those were the days…now we have the internet and can find shit from around the world lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A History Geek writes: getting your norks out was actually pretty standard in Elizabeth I’s day (although uncovered arms or legs were right out), but this was 90 years after she died, and England had had a nasty case of the Puritans between times. It’s possible these are deliberately shit in order to make her look bad.

    The other possibility is that I’m completely wrong.

    Like

  3. There is a good (i.e awful) one of these in the Horniman Museum. My first thought was that it was the work of a closet Catholic getting a bit of revenge in on the sly. More likely it is just the work of some poor underpaid sods trying to scrape a living by bashing out as many crappy souvenir plates as they can before the next stupid fad comes along.

    Like

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