Look what Alex bought me from the charity shop:


I’ll be honest – initially, Alex was more excited than I was. I was mostly just confused and I needed a piss.

First thought: Why has he bought me a novelisation of Barb Wire?

Second thought: There’s a novelisation of Barb Wire?

Third thought: I still need a piss.

Eagle eyed readers will spot that he also bought RoboCop, Knight Rider, and the best Batman film. I’ll get to those.

Right, let’s begin our high-brow literary journey through the world of throwing tables at people, that one off Baywatch, that other one off Baywatch, and the fact that the name Dick is 10x funnier when you write it down.

Barb Wire

barb front

Synopsis: That one off Baywatch goes round kicking the shit out of people, and she runs a pub. She’s fine with you calling her anything except ‘babe’. So presumably you’re OK to call her a blithering cunt and a pisswazzer.


barb 1

barb 2

I think she’s called herself that because it’s like Barbara, but also like barb wire.

In this bit, she disables a man with a gun by hitting him in the shins with a table:


As we know, shin attacks are the second deadliest form of attack, just behind nipping.

barb license

She still couldn’t buy teaspoons in this country though.

Moving on…


robo front

Synopsis: Part man, part machine… all cop. And all man, and all machine. And some cop. He’s being chased round by some guys trying to install Windows XP on him.


rc cats

They’re throwing… cats? Who does that? And why were they so impressed that a car was clean?

rc showdown

Wait, but I thought he already was all man, and all machine, and part cop? Whatever.

Meanwhile, this is how you get rid of looters – by pointing a gun at them and offering them some sort of discount:

big sale

In this bit, the guy has scored a pair of sluts:


However, the guy who’s come to murder him is not impressed with the sluts:


Can you tell I’ve never seen this film?

Knight Rider

kr front

Synopsis: What’s his face off of Baywatch dies and comes back as his own car. He teams up with himself and they go round fighting crime and picking up bitches.

I was hoping for lots of lines like “Let’s set the wheels of justice in motion!” and “This is CARnage!”

This is what I got instead:

david niven

As car themed puns go, calling someone ‘David Niven’ doesn’t quite do it for me.

In this bit, Michael Knight pretends to be deaf. You can tell he’s shouting because IT’S ALL IN CAPS:


Spoiler alert: one of the sexy baddies gets shot so hard her shoes come off, and she’s no longer lovely.


Michael is shocked by this, even though this also happens:


Can’t find any bits where KITT goes “Do a U turn” even though they’re on the M62, so I’ll leave it there.

Batman & Robin

bat front

Synopsis: Batman has a dick problem. Someone keeps throwing asparagus at everyone.


mother and brother

Wait, Robin’s mother and brother were the same person? No wonder they were in the circus.

Meanwhile, Batgirl gets the contents of Holland and Barrett lobbed at her:


Finally, a montage of why you should never call a character Dick:







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5 thoughts on “Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels

  1. Jesus wept!! I honestly can’t believe that there are books from such shitty movies!??
    I just wonder which came first?…apart from Dick! Lol.
    So did the shitty movie come first or did the shitty book come first? Either way it’s all a big shitpile that’s only fit for the bin!…or deviant compulsive masterbators?
    Well I hope you have fun with them! Lol.


  2. Why is she not called Barbed Wire? Why is this film never on TV? I think it was Stuart Maconie who commented at the time – on his Saturday lunchtime Radio 5 (Live?) programme The Treatment – that in some tube station he saw a poster for this film which had been graffitied. It tied in the line “Don’t Call Me Babe” to the pig film of the same name, via her two ham-sized breasts, but I’ve never been able to remember what this joke was.


  3. Somehow I find Clarence Boddicker’s original line from RoboCop—“Bitches leave!”—to be more evocative than “Okay sluts. Take a hike.”



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