Consider the following. It’s 1970, and you’re reading your big bollocks annual full of comics, puzzles, and for some reason, jokes about Aston Villa. The boys are treated to exciting tales of derring-do, explosions, space battles and hard boiled private detectives.
Meanwhile, if you were reading the Diana For Girls annual, you got this:
I suppose it makes a change from tights and bra shit and ’12 ways with pom poms’, but still.
Anyway, because I am a sociopath, I’m going to make you guys read ‘Mum’s on the council’ along with me, in excruciating detail.
As we can see, it starts off with the correct level of excitement, and goes downhill from there.
The only vaguely cool thing that happens is that a woman is being attacked by several wasps. I had hoped Council Mum would go and roundhouse kick the wasps, but no, that would be too exciting.
In a stunning move of badassery entirely suitable for a kids’ comic, Council Mum grasses up the wasps, and gets a man in. The man doesn’t even take his hat off while exterminating the wasps, because that would be impolite.
Speaking of which, I bet there’s a story somewhere in this annual where the main bit of peril is ‘someone goes out without a hat’.
Right, I’ll let you catch your breath before moving on to the next panel.
Later on, the womenfolk are at home, where they belong. Council Mum is drinking what looks like a shot of tequila, when they’re interrupted by a visitor:
The woman’s problem boils down to ‘I don’t like this therefore no one should get to do it’. I’d agree with her if the laundry was playing gangsta rap at 3am, but I suspect they’re not.
This problem apparently warrants its own story. I haven’t read it yet, but I bet the solution is ‘get the man with the hat to sort it out’.
Council Mum goes to grass up the laundry to the council. However, a bigger problem has emerged: none of the men are wearing hats! I didn’t know where to put myself.
Again, I was holding out some vague hope that Council Mum would roundhouse kick the laundry owner, but no such luck. Instead, the solution is to go to the laundry and saying “Have you tried not being noisy?” And then the laundry owner is all “Oh yeah, I never thought of that.”
Oh, I guess that’s that for the laundry drama. Why did you feel the need to make a comic strip of this?
Moving on, and Council Mum has one more boring adventure to get through:
Oh no! The local farmer has decided to stop random kids coming onto his land and pissing and shitting all over it!
But he picked on the wrong kid, because… HER MUM’S ON THE COUNCIL! I bet her dad works for Nintendo and her boyfriend goes to another school.
Once again, Council Mum uses her mighty grassing people up powers:
And the woman will “arrange for the path to be walked on next Saturday”.
Then the men all meet up again (without hats!) and crap on for a bit about footpaths.
Jesus, even the characters look bored to tears.
Please, Council Mum. I’m begging you. Please roundhouse kick someone in the face, just this once.
Are you ready for the BIG FINALE?
They all have a mild disagreement, and then reach a sensible compromise.
This is bullshit.
I checked the next page just to see if there was any surprise roundhouse kicking, but it was just some stuff about putting your money in a piggy bank.
You know the worst thing about this story? They didn’t once think to have a dispute over bin day.
I’m going to go drink wine now.