Hi gang, fancy doing a cool and rad quiz with me? Good, because look what I’ve got:

cover

I mean, we could play ‘count our pubes’ again, but I’m a bit bored of that.

Instead, I’m going to do this quiz to find out how nice I am. This is important, because I have no idea how nice I am. I mean, I’ve never killed anyone, but I did think very hard about kicking a woman down an escalator once. To be fair, she was in my way.

Anyway, I’m going to do this quiz and you can all play along at home to find out what % Hitler you are. Since this is Just Seventeen, I doubt they’ve phrased it like that, but still.

1intro

Now then. “Would you give your last pound to some deserving soul or keep it in your pocket?” Neither. I’d use it to borrow a trolley off Tesco, and then I’d push the trolley round and round town while poor people looked on.

Anyway, if you score full marks on this quiz, I’m sure the Lottery will give you a grant or something.

1a

C is the worst possible choice, because that will lead to you getting followed round by Sir Friendzone, who you will then stab. I probably wouldn’t be enough of a cow to pick A, but also I’m not going to have another date, especially if he smells of TCP. Given this, I’m doing to pick ‘D – mumble something neutral then change your phone number and move house’.

1b

This is easy, but once again it’s none of the above. Instead, I have fashioned a system of loops and pulleys to ensure the baby stays sat in front of Peppa Pig, and I’ve already fucked off to meet my friends. Not that I have friends, I generally don’t like people.

1c

Good fucking luck with that, any work I ever do ends with me calling Bungle a blithering cunt. Given that, I guess I’d go with A, but insert extra swears, and maybe a reference to ISIS. That’ll learn her.

1d

Again, this is irrelevant. My sisters both have better clothes than I do, except for my He-Man t-shirt, and I doubt they’d want to borrow that. Disappointed that there’s no ‘rent it to her for a fiver an hour’ option, because that’s what most people would do. Given the options, I’d pick C to get her out of the house, and then I’d go read her diary while she’s out.

1e

“D – tell the bus driver they’re a sex pest.” The passenger, not the bus driver. I wouldn’t randomly tell the bus driver that he was a sex pest, he’d probably tut and make me get off the bus.

1f

For once, this is quite straightforward.

Me: “Where’s my money?”

Her: “I haven’t got it, I spent it on my grandmother’s operation.”

Me: “You liar, you spent it on Wella hair dye, I saw you.”

Her: “Well I haven’t got it so there.”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to kick you in the fanny then.”

1g

I guess I’ll pick A, as long as I get to go round to her house and do a shit in her parents’ bed, and then tell her parents she did it. Otherwise, C.

1h

A is better than anything I would have made up, to be fair. I’d throw the tin, but ‘forget’ to let go, so really I’d just twat her in the face with a tin of beans. Failing that, whenever she puts an item on the conveyor belt, take it off and put it back in her trolley.

1i

Why is this a bad thing? More time to sit there scratching my fanny and eating pasta. However, if you wanted to be annoying, just say “Great, I’ll come too!” then ruin their evening by insisting they stand 2 metres apart at all times in case they have Coronavirus.

1j

OK, I’m picking B, but with a slight modification. Say yes, but talk to her about it afterwards, to tell her he has no penis. Everyone’s happy. Unless that’s true, in which case only your friend is happy.

Well, how do you think you did? You’re probably an arsehole, but add your score up just to make extra sure:

1scores

Sadly, I couldn’t add my scores up for two reasons:

1: Some of my answers were made up.

2. Can’t be bothered.

1results

Anyway, we all know my score would probably get me put on some sort of list, so best not. Let me know if you managed to out-bastard me though.

Fin.

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2 thoughts on “The Just Seventeen ‘are you a bastard?’ quiz

  1. I got 45. Which is a load of shit, to be honest.
    Not least because I’m a straight guy, and wouldn’t find myself in a number of those situations.
    Especially the one about being asked out.
    NOBODY LOVES ME.

    Like

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