Since we’re all stuck at home and forced to do shit like hobbies and learning, why not use this time to brush up on your fighting skills?
Sometimes, the classic moves such as ‘nipping’, ‘shin kicking’ and ‘running away’ do not always work if your goal is to look like the supreme badass of the universe. So my number one fighting tip to you is ‘get hammered off your tits before having a fight’. That way, you will acquire all the skill and grace needed to become a seasoned fighting champion.
The following warriors studied at the prestigious U Wot M8 fighting school, hidden deep in the mountains of Scunthorpe. We have much to learn from them.
1. The Determinator
Method: Keep going, even when everyone else has given up and fucked off to bed.
Suitable for: When your opponent is hiding upstairs. As long as he eventually comes downstairs again.
2. The Bus Stop Beatdown
Method: Accidentally fall on a lady. Maybe she’ll fancy you, I dunno.
Suitable for: Depends if you’re the man or the lady. Not suitable for bus drivers.
3. The Supermarket Sweep (part 1)
Method: Act casual.
Suitable for: When that ghost that only you can see is trying to pick a fight with you.
4. The MC Hammered
Method: You know how when you’re running for a bus and miss it, you act like you didn’t want the bus anyway? That, but for getting thrown out of a bar. Also, do some sort of Macarena.
Suitable for: Drunkards with a Level 1 BTEC popular dance certificate or higher.
5. The Squid
Method: Eject poison from self to ward off predators.
Suitable for: Fighting sharks or tuna.
6. The Supermarket Sweep (part 2)
Method: Be determined.
Suitable for: When that fucking shop ghost won’t leave you alone.
7. The Wedding Crasher
Method: Literally crash into someone’s wedding.
Suitable for: Any wedding. Weddings are rubbish. For bonus XP, get the whole crowd to start booing the bride and groom.
8. The Flying Fuck
Method: Attempt to kick a dead guy in the face. Miss.
Suitable for: Fighting dead people, I guess.
9. The Leap Of Faith
Method: Jump at your enemy, if your enemy is the water. Again, miss.
Suitable for: Anyone who has a fear of water. Or when fighting actual water, like that’s a thing.
10. The Supermarket Sweep (part 3)
Method: ESCAPE THE SHOP
Suitable for: When your ghost enemy is trying to apprehend you for shoplifting.
11. The Heist
Method: Try to get money out. Fail to get money out. Fight with cashpoint. Lose.
Suitable for: At the end of the night when you have no bastard money anyway.
12. Take Out The Trash
Method: Put yourself in the bin. You might as well.
Suitable for: Warriors with a tremendous sense of ennui. Girls who are doing fake clumsy shit for views and likes. (See below.)
NB: if you see anyone doing fake shit for likes like this girl clearly is, feel free to beat them to death.
13. The False Sense Of Security
Method: You see that speed bump? It’s going DOWN. Maybe not this week, but eventually you’ll surprise it.
Suitable for: Speed bumps, mild inclines.
14. The Linford Christie
Method: Run like the wind, towards nowhere in particular.
Suitable for: Fighting really slow people, or people who prefer to fight in a big circle.
15. The Pole Punch
Method: Punch a pole. An actual pole, not a Polish person.
Suitable for: I guess anyone who isn’t Polish.