I’ve been a fan of Rainbow ever since I can remember, so when a creepy old man at a yard sale offered me a VHS, I jumped at the chance.
“How much?” I said.
“50 quid” he said.
“Fuck off” I said.
“Fine, have it for free,” said the man. “But I warn you, someone died from watching this. I think it might be a haunted tape.”
I looked at the box, and saw that someone had scribbled out the word ‘Rainbow’ and written ‘Rainbow.exe’ in its place. Which was a bit redundant, since the word ‘Rainbow’ was already there.
I couldn’t wait to get back to my house, which was on an old Indian burial ground, and fire up my
Sega Mega Drive VHS player.
I put the tape in and pressed play, then started to watch the video with my eyes. Suddenly, a ghost appeared!
“Fuck off I’m watching Rainbow,” I said. The ghost went away.
The first episode was meant to be called ‘Wibbly Wobbly’, but instead it was called ‘MURDER BLOOD’, and the opening credits had all blood on them!
“I don’t remember there being all blood?” I thought. But I pushed the thought from my mind and settled down to watch Bungle being a dickhead as usual.
Everything was normal for a while. Geoffrey was there, announcing that he was going to make a jelly for tea, like that’s an actual meal.
“Jelly? You might as well feed us fucking water for tea” scoffed Zippy.
“You’re lucky I’m bothering to make you any food at all, considering I hate all of you” replied Geoffrey.
I started to relax, and forgot all about the ghost that had appeared in my room. This was a normal episode of Rainbow after all – that crazy old man didn’t know what he was talking about!
I laughed as I watched one of my favourite bits of Rainbow growing up: Geoffrey calling Bungle a ‘blithering cunt’ and George being shocked.
But then the episode started to get weird. Geoffrey left the room, and Bungle, George and Zippy decided to watch TV. But when Bungle turned the TV on, it was all static!
“That’s strange” I thought. “They normally watch Rod Jane and Freddy, not static.”
Bungle, George and Zippy started to cry and shit their pants, which was a bit of an overreaction for some TV static, but then I remembered they were Bungle, George and Zippy.
“Let’s get Geoffrey!” cried Bungle.
“No, because he said he’d kill us all if we bothered him ever again!” said Zippy.
Suddenly, an evil haunted show appeared on the TV!
I didn’t remember Rainbow ever being haunted, but I tried to remain calm. Even when the ghost came back into the room and stated trying to steal my biscuits and get all up in my business.
“Fuck off” I told the ghost, and he did.
Back to the haunted Rainbow episode. The man on the TV looked a bit like Geoffrey, but he looked like a version of Geoffrey from a dimension where everyone is on smack all the time. Otherwise, not much was going on.
I thought back to the old man’s words: “someone died from watching this”. Was it possible they died of boredom?
I decided to keep watching anyway. The evil haunted show was still on their TV, but now it was showing some clip of a wildebeest falling over.
I decided to look in the Yellow Pages for a priest, just in case something more terrifying than a baby wildebeest turned up.
Bungle stared at me with his cold dead eyes, but Zippy and George didn’t seem overly concerned. They were more interested in talking about jelly.
I thought maybe I should stop watching the episode at this point, on account of how it was haunted and a bit shit. But something made me keep watching. Bungle, George and Zippy turned their attention to the evil haunted TV show again.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.
Oh wait, it’s just Bungle, which somehow manages to be worse.
I started to think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to buy a haunted Rainbow video.
Just then, the phone rang!
Who could it be? Was it the evil spirit of the VHS trying to communicate with me? With trembling hands I answered. Turns out it was just a man pretending to be from BT. Also, I remembered I don’t own a phone.
I turned back to the episode. Demon Bungle was introducing Rod Jane and Freddy. I relaxed a bit. “If Rod, Jane and Freddy are on, maybe the show isn’t so evil and cursed,” I thought to myself.
Rod, Jane and Freddy were evil wobbly clowns with terrible, exaggerated limbs. I couldn’t make out exactly what they were singing, but it sounded like “WE ARE COMING TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP”. Or it could have been a song about jelly, it was hard to tell.
Then the episode cut to this shot for the next 10 minutes, while evil saxophone music played:
The evil haunted ghost appeared in my room again!
“For fuck’s sake, are you still watching this shite?” he said.
“Mind your own business,” I said.
The episode cut back to Demon Geoffrey, trying to hypnotise the viewers by sitting in a really shit chair and reading a nice story about a wobbly man.
Demon Geoffrey was joined by hideous approximations of Zippy and George. George was wearing a wig made from the blood of other viewers!
The wobbly man in the story was walking around full of despair, because all his friends had been murdered. At least, I’m 99% sure that was the plot. It might have been that the man had forgotten how to wobble.
“You will forget everything you’ve just seen and heard” ordered Demon Geoffrey.
Then their TV went back to normal, and the real Geoffrey came in with their crap tea.
“Geoffrey, a terrible haunted show just came on our TV!” cried Bungle.
“Bungle, you are a stupid period having bear, and no one cares what you say” laughed Geoffrey happily.
Bungle begged Geoffrey to take him seriously, and started to yell at him in a traumatised way. But Geoffrey just told him to shut his fat bitch mouth and eat his jelly. Everything seemed to go back to normal, but I knew Bungle was right about the strange, haunted show appearing in their TV.
And that was the end of the episode. I never dared watch the tape again. Mostly because it was a bit shit.