I’ll admit, I don’t know much about sci-fi. I know about Rainbow and eating biscuits. But the other day I didn’t want to do the washing up, so I sat and looked through a bunch of old sci-fi magazines instead.
I didn’t read the articles, which I assume were things like “How to hide your erection while talking about that one off Star Trek”, but I did have a good look at the adverts. I was surprised to find things like fashion and commemorative plates, in an unexpected crossover with Woman’s Realm.
Look, I’m shit at writing introductions, so let’s crack on with the adverts…
I’m confused. If this is the OFFICIAL AUTHORISED Space Shuttle jacket, does that mean anyone who wears one gets to go on a space shuttle, and no one gets to question them?
“What does this button do?”
“Linda, who actually gave you permission to come to the moon with us?”
“I don’t need permission, I have this jacket. Can we stop at the services please? I need a piss.”
That woman’s so pleased she doesn’t even care about that spaceship flying at her head.
Wrath Of Khan Watch
This is actually pretty groovy, so instead of taking the piss out of it, I’ll tell you about the time my dad had half a pint of beer with lunch in a Wetherspoons, and proceeded to lie down and go to sleep in the park. When he woke up, kids were stepping over him on their way home from school. Half a pint.
Jesus Fucking Christ
It’s no better in colour:
Star Trek Commemorative Plate
I thought commemorative plates were something they only conned old ladies into buying? They usually have all cats on them, not Star Trek. Anyway, I know it says it finishes in 1992, but the coupon’s there if you want to try your luck.
Also, today I learned there is a ‘Plate of the Year’ awards.
Imagine bringing your peanut butter sandwiches and Um Bongo to school in one of these. Not only would you automatically be the best one in the school, you’d make the other kids cry and shit not only themselves, but also the teachers. Bonus points – tell the stupid kids it’s a real head.
Dracula Vs The Dinosaurs
Right, this is a film that must be made: “Dracula, Captain America and Robocop 3 team up against a deadly escaped dinosaur. Starring Michael Madsen as the dinosaur, and Tara Reid as the woman he tried to love, and also Dracula.” I’d pay 8 quid to see that film.
RoboCop 3 For Sega Genesis/Game Gear
Half man, half machine, all action! And all man. And all cop. And some cop. And all man. And some machine. And all cop.
Whatever. I don’t know anything about RoboCop, but I do own the novelisation of it.
Fantastic Myths And Legends
This is fair enough, until we get to this guy:
In which Jeremy Beadle is about to beat himself to death with his own club because he’s sick of doing interpretive dance, and quite frankly I don’t blame him. Anyway, that’s the one I’d buy. That and the alien that I swear is made from a Sindy doll:
Star Trek Window… Things
I keep reading it as “badly drive”, but that’s just me being dim. It took me ages to figure out what was actually being sold here. Is it a game? A special kind of car? Nope, it’s a thing with a moving arm. Again, this is something I would buy. One of the Queen would be useful – you’d be able to park wherever you wanted, as long as no one questioned why the Queen was sat in the back of a Golf in Lidl car park.
The Warrior’s Battle Outfit
Which, according to Alex, is a knock-off of the original Battlestar Galactica costume. The thing keeping me awake at night is trying to imagine the family that would all agree to go along with this.
Imagine the following. Little Timmy, despite several warnings, keeps turning up to school in his weird space denim jacket.
“It’s not my fault, my dad makes me wear it!” wails Timmy.
“Ha, a likely story!” replies Mrs Patterson.
After two weeks of Timmy flouting the uniform rules, Mrs Patterson decides to call his parents in. Who arrive wearing matching jackets.
Likely outcome: Mrs Patterson retires from teaching.