Look what I bought:
Why I bought this is at present unclear, but here are a few theories:
1. I am mental.
2. I was allowed on Ebay.
3. I am mental.
Whatever, this more than makes up for the time I saw Fashion Wheel in a charity shop and didn’t buy it.
I present to you – a vintage ‘prize every time’ Lucky Egg machine!
If you want to hear the full story of how this came to be in my possession, here it is:
– Charity shops shut
– No opportunity to buy shit, what do?
– Browse Ebay
– Drink wine while browsing Ebay
– On phone to dad while drinking wine while browsing Ebay, get into conversation about old amusements in Ingoldmells
– “Hmm, I wonder, just out of curiosity”
– “DAD, DAD, THERE’S ONE FOR SALE AND I CAN SORT OF AFFORD IT!”
– Dad drinking whiskey while I’m drinking wine while browsing Ebay
– “BUY IT BUY IT BUY IT. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG.”
– Dad is always right.
I regret nothing.
This originally came from Mablethorpe, so there’s a good chance my mullet-haired, snot-covered younger self might have had some eggs out of this back in the day.
Let’s have a closer look. The chicken, who I have named Alan, informs us that she can shit out prizes for us.
These include a dice, some jewellery, and, for some reason, a haggard old turtle.
I haven’t won the turtle yet, but I’ll get to that.
Meanwhile, let’s spend 20p!
If you grew up in the 80s/90s, and went on holiday to the British seaside, chances are this sound would have followed you around for the duration, along with the music from the ‘Rock n Roll’ and ‘Rio Carnival’ 2p machines. Or that fucking awful ‘Candyland’ grab song.
Beautiful, isn’t it. It was even better when I had to hit it to get it to work.
And what’s more, we won! Apart from the times where we didn’t.
Never mind that, because 99% of the eggs had a prize in them, so we can put that down to an administrative error. Or Alan being in a bad mood that day.
Here is the result on me spending £1.20 of my own money, that I will never remember to get back:
Are you excited? If you are you’re a div.
Let’s examine my haul.
– Two gold pirate doubloons, not to be sniffed at. Possibly worth up to 00000.3p in real money.
– Two shit rings, neither of which fit me, because I am 36 years old.
– A star shaped… thing.
– Two temporary tattoos, one of The Flash (citation needed), and one of… I think it says “Zap”? It took me ten minutes to realise it wasn’t just yelling “Sap!” at some poor guy.
There are still about 50 eggs left in Alan’s bum, and I’m sure we’ll end up getting them all out of her in time. Meanwhile, if anyone wants to buy some shit prizes, hit me up. Apart from the “Zap!” tattoo, I’m totally having that.
The real point to this post is that now I own a Lucky Egg machine. That automatically makes me the best.