This might be the most boring post I’ve ever written, which is saying something. You know me, occasionally I will just spout shit. It keeps you on your toes or whatever.

I’ve always wanted a desk tidy. Mainly because I’ve always wanted a desk. When I was little I’d sit and moon over this desk ‘n’ chair combo in the Index catalogue:

petite desk

Why I wanted a desk was never really explained. I think I just liked pretending I was important.

I never had a proper desk because my room was the size of a postage stamp. Also, I think my parents sensed that I’d sit at it once then go back to running round with my finger up my nose pretending to be She Ra. Therefore it always remained on my Bucket List. Until now!

desk tidy

£1.79 of tubular fun! I haven’t filled it up properly yet, because there is an art to filling up a desk tidy.

As every sane person knows, there is a hierarchy when it comes to stationery. I haven’t worked out exactly what it is yet; I’ll be honest, I’m kind of making this up as I go along, while drinking wine. But screw it, I have nothing better to do than sit here working out the bullshit rules of desk tidies. Also, I can’t stop thinking about that fact that I’ve never won a meat raffle.

This is what’s currently in the desk tidy:

desk tidy 1

One pen, a pot of glitter, and £1.60 in 20ps. This is an unacceptable use of a desk tidy, as my desk is not tidy. I’m not sure how owning a desk tidy is going to stop me having a load of broken action figures on my desk, but here we are. I’ve even done a diagram, so I can’t really back out now.

desk tidy diagram

I’ve written “Fig. 1” on the diagram, because that’s what you write on proper diagrams.

Right, in Tube A go the serious pens:

desk tidy 2

The following pens are allowed in the big tube:

– Parker pens
– Biros with your name on them, if your name is Alan
– Fountain pens
– Serious pens that turn into a torch and a tape measure and a gun

Not allowed: Giant novelty pens that say “I’ve been to Barometer world”

I had to dive into Alex’s gimpy swot pen stash for this.

Also – ruler, but I couldn’t find a ruler. Sue me.

Tube B contains pencils, which is where I come in:

desk tidy 3

All the pencils are allowed in here, we do not discriminate. This is what I went for:

– A pencil that proves I once dragged my stinking fat carcass up Snowdon
– A Honey Monster pencil from a 2p machine, that we spent about £16 to win
– A Barbie pencil, where Babie looks like a serial killer
– A pencil with my name on, that Alex got me the other Christmas, because he is the best.

(Alex bought me a whole load of brilliant stationery that Christmas, click here if you’d like to see the other stuff.)

I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure what Tubes C and D are supposed to contain. I mean, not pens, because that would be silly. Possibly Tube C is for your highlighter pen.

desk tidy 4

Other options for Tube C include:

– Cigarettes
– A sausage (working lunch)
– Shot of vodka (also working lunch)

Tube D is clearly the most enigmatic. What is this supposed to be used for? When I was about 6 and desperately wanted a desk tidy, I would have just stuffed my felt tips into every available space, but that feels wrong now. This is not a pen hole.

I suspect there’s some forbidden item of stationery that used to belong in there, but has since been banned by the government. Because I’ve had wine, I’m going to go with ‘a special pen that lets you draw counterfeit money so it can’t be spotted by shops’. As soon as I get one of those, I’ll stick it in there.

After some thought, I’ve realised that this tube is supposed to contain your novelty ‘Hot Dog’ rubber:

hot dog

Sadly I don’t have one, and now I’m not allowed on Ebay for a bit after I bought a Lucky Egg machine.

Tubes E and F (they’re not really tubes by this point, but fuck it) are a lot more straightforward – they’re for all your shit and bric a brac.

Observe:

desk tidy 5

I don’t know what you’d be doing with loads of novelty rubbers if you’re a 51 year old accountant called Alan, but let’s face it, Alan would have completely wasted this space. I know better than Alan, therefore I have filled this bit with Alton Towers and He-Man rubbers, and a Skeletor.

I am so clever.

Other suggestions for these bits include:

– Pencil sharpener
– Paperclips
– Marbles
– Mini Boglins
– A load of wax crayon sharpenings that you somehow thought looked like ‘glitter’

Our desk tidy is almost complete; there’s just one thing left to do, and that is to rad the desk tidy up with a load of stickers.

Ladies and gentlemen – the finished product!

desk tidy 6

You all wish you were me.

Fin.

If you’d like to help support the blog, there’s more stuff on my Patreon. Can’t guarantee it’s any good. 

2 thoughts on “A blog post about a desk tidy

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