For some reason, I own this:


Most of it is just stuff about Scott and Charlene, and maybe that one who did “Heeyyyyy MONA”, and 3 pages containing 2 facts about Australia, but one thing that caught my eye was the ‘Beat Your Neighbour’ board game:


Why yes, I would like to beat my neighbour! Over the years, my neighbours have included the following:

A woman who had her music deliberately loud so she could hear it in next door but one, where her equally bullshit friend lived.
The psychopath in my university halls who never went to lectures, smoked weed all day in his room, and played terrible music so loud my bed shook. He was studying Theology. I will never work that one out.
My sister in law’s neighbour, who has some weird beef with the family dog.

So yes, I would like to beat my neighbour. With a big stick.

Let’s see if that’s what you do.

byn rules

I want to play as Alf Stewart. I don’t give a fuck if he’s not on Neighbours.

Great, so how do you get points? Well apparently, you get points from landing on coloured squares. Not all of them. Only certain ones. Other squares include hilarious plot points. This is possibly the ‘avoid disaster’ part:

These squares don’t exactly scream ‘consistency’ at you.

– The pink ones are good. (?)

– The light green ones are terrible and you die, but you don’t lose any points.

– The dark green ones are rubbish and useless. (Citation needed.)

– The blue ones seem to involve you getting arrested for shit

– The yellow ones are whatever the writer feels like putting

– The orange ones mean you have to actually do something

Right, so the first player to land on 79 blank squares without ‘abducting a nurse’ wins.

But wait! There’s a colour code! I didn’t see that before because I wasn’t paying attention.


I’ll be honest lads, I’m struggling.


Right, assuming you get to 3900 points or whatever (this will take 3 weeks so unlikely), you win! But only if you can sing the Neighbours theme tune!

Piece of piss.

“Neighbours, fucking look at all my neighbours,

All my bastard neighbours,

All standing in a row…

Neighbours, they’ve been eating all my Quavers,

I wish my neighbours, would





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4 thoughts on “The confusing 1989 Neighbours Annual board game

  1. My sister had a Home and Away board game that was rubbish. The only thing I remember about it was we made up our own rules to the game that somehow ended with throwing the Sally game piece in the fire during one game.


  2. When I was at uni there was a ‘DJ’ who lived downstairs underneath our section smoking weed and playing the exact same fucking record every night about 2300. Being the lads we were, it wasn’t as if it was stopping us going to bed or anything – that would usually be 2315 or as late as midnight on special occasions – but it did REALLY piss us off.

    After Christmas I came back with a massive sledgehammer with the intention of smashing it on the concrete floor of my bedroom (this was a proper old fashioned 70s type halls) to give technohead a hint that we didn’t appreciate his music without having to resort to actually knocking on his door, meeting him face to face and potentially having a polite and respectful conversation.

    The tune soon spun up as usual that very night, I don’t even think he went anywhere for Xmas, and I brought the hammer down about five times so hard it wrecked the carpet tiles (thankfully hidden by the bed). The music soon stopped and we all celebrated with a well earned Diamond White.

    About 20 minutes later through the early January seaside fig, we saw blue flashing lights outside the halls and assumed it was the plod.

    It was, in fact, an ambulance and with the lights off hiding low behind the window, we saw what could only have been technohead being taken out seemingly unconscious in a wheelchair. To this day I don’t even want to think about what happened or if it was even our fault but we never heard anything from the uni or the local CID so guessing technohead didn’t snuff it from a ceiling collapsing on him or something.



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