You know who loves Mr T? Everyone. You know who else loves Mr T? Shoddy merchandise companies in the 80s. And, for some reason, Aston Villa (I’ll get to that).
Since you’ve got nothing better to do, why not have a look at some cool, hard and rad Mr T stuff with me? And when you’ve finished doing that, remember to eat right and stay in school, or whatever.
Such as this classic, ‘The Best Bike Ever’. I’ve never managed to actually read this book, mainly because I’ve never bothered buying a copy. However, we can deduce from the cover that the story is about Mr T nicking some girl’s bike.
He looks so pleased with himself.
Knock off figures
I found these objets d’art on Ebay. The one on the left is presumably Mr T from that time he starred in Threads, and the one on the right is immediately going to start sassing your taste in lipstick. Not sure why he has binoculars round his knob.
I mean… why? Why does it have to look like something Indiana Jones would try and steal?
Where’s its legs.
In the Mr T Annual, there are a few pages full of jokes that have fuck all do do with Mr T, because the writers ran out of ideas and needed to fill some extra pages. This is how we ended up with such crackers as:
“What football team do the others love to lick? Aston Vanilla.”
Yeah, if by ‘lick’ you mean ‘punch’. Also, I’d bet a hundred quid that Mr T has never, ever heard of Aston Villa.
“What is red outside, grey inside, and very very crowded? A London bus full of elephants.”
My fucking sides.
Not just soap, but an entire soap collection, since I found a different T soap on Ebay, on which he has giant legs for some reason:
I wonder what it smells of? I’d guess at milk and PAIN. And lily of the valley.
Also, imagine using that Murdock soap on your fanny, when he has that look on his face.
State of its bloody eyebrows.
TR-3 resin glaze products
I saw this and assumed it was a joke. It is not.
At some point T advertised this random car polish, and you can find all sorts of rad Mr T/TR-3 crossovers:
I’d kill for that hat. Do you hear me? Kill.
For doing sums like “What’s 7 x 3? PAIN!” and “The square root of FOOLS is YOU!”
Also for stabbing your enemy with the compass.
This doesn’t look too terrible until you see the body part:
It’s a bin bag. It’s a bin bag with a picture of Mr T drawn on it. I could have fucking done that myself. This better have originally cost a quid.
This isn’t such a mental idea. I mean, how hard is it to actually mess up a colouring and activity book?
OK, well at least the stickers are rad:
Especially the one that inexplicably says “I heard that!”
We also have a terrific make and do, where you make ‘misc’ using a disgusting glue/bread mix:
Why is Mr T telling us to stick bread to things.
I’m going to go drink gin now.