Have you ever needed to dress up for a children’s party, London Marathon or similar, but have ended up thinking ‘I wish I could scare the shit out of some people while I’m doing this’? Well, I’ve got you covered.
Cheap and cheerful is the theme of today’s post, as we have a look through the best budget mascots – perfect for thrifty people who have never seen the original in their entire fucking lives.
Hello Kitty
If you look into its eyes hard enough, you can see the actual physical manifestation of ‘despair’. Nice pointy arms though, handy for stabbing unruly children.
Big Bird
Do you remember when Big Bird was in that anti-smoking advert, where he’d had to have a hole cut in his windpipe? No, me neither.
Amazingly, Big Bird only manages to be the second most terrifying Sesame Street costume…
Elmo
“You know what kids love? Elmo! You know what else kids love? Ghostface from the Scream movies.”
Who in the name of God’s pubes decided this was a good idea.
Peppa Pig
In her defence, this is actually Peppa’s long lost relative, ‘Pippa Pig’:
She is an entirely original creation, like Sherry Bobbins, Ricky Rouse or Monald Muck. Still doesn’t explain why she looks like she wants to eat your liver.
Pikachu
Poorkachu. Gotta kill ’em all, and then yourself.
Sonic The Hedgehog
Who’s he trying to convince, us or himself? It’s the hopeless staring into the middle distance that gives it away.
“I have to be quick or I’m fucked, lads.”
Bob the Builder and Fireman Sam
Or, as they’re known down the pub, ‘Big Rob’ and ‘Sammo’. I guess these two stopped off for a couple of cheeky snakebites on the way to whatever cursed party they were booked at. Big Rob thought he’d run out of Rizlas, but he’s just found some in his back pocket.
I never thought I’d be forced to imagine a situation in which someone’s yelling “Leave it Fireman Sam, he’s not worth it!”
Buzz Lightyear
Imagine it. Go on. Imagine opening the front door and this fucker is staring back at you. This is like one of those photos where they go “Guys, there was no one in the photo when I took it, I thought I was just taking a picture of my front door…”
Elsas
Please, for the love of God, just hire some tart in a dress.
Teletubbies
“Laa Laa: my heroin and colonic irrigation hell! See the incredible exclusive photos on pages 3 and 4!”
Orville
It’s just the pose, to be fair. My sides.
Zippy
Let’s finish off with a classic. Why does it have flippers and a frightening burnt face. I’m not saying this guy has been photoshopped out of the police line up he was in, but…
Anyway, imagine this guy getting into bed with you. Even I’d feel sorry for Bungle at that point.
Fin.
World Of Crap 
My uncle once applied for a job as a children’s entertainer, which involved dressing up in a crocodile suit. He didn’t get the job.
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