You know what sucks? I can’t whinge about Leeds never winning anything now. That’s OK, because I have a long list of complaints I like to entertain people with. These include, but are not limited to:

– Itchy bum
– It’s too bastard hot
– Why are the adverts so loud
– Vernon Kay

Anyway, even though it’s now deprived me of one of my favourite pastimes, I thought I’d celebrate a successful season by taking you through the finest football box art on offer. Spoiler alert – only one of these features Kevin Keegan. Double spoiler alert – don’t worry, I didn’t forget to include Peter Beardsley.

European Football Champ

European Football Champ-01

This looks fine until you study it for more that six seconds. Consider the following: None of these people are playing football, or are attempting to play football. Even the man who’s supposed to be kicking the ball is nowhere fucking near it. The rest of the players have decided to use this time to settle their differences via a series of unrelated fights. The one exception to this is the guy lying on the floor, who just wanted to play football god damn it, and now he’s crying.

And one person in the crowd has brought a hundred balloons with them, maybe as part of a tax dodge.

Five A Side Football

Five-A-Side Soccer-01

Imagine this man running at you. Go on, imagine it in great detail. Perhaps the man is shouting “I’m a naughty girl and I need a spanking!” as he’s running at you. I know it’s half 9 in the morning, but you might want to drink some gin when you’ve finished imagining that. I don’t know why they’ve all forgotten their kits, and are having to do the football in their vest and pants.

Bruce Forsyth is in goal.

Cup Manager

Cup Manager-01

“Well done lads, we did it!”

“We’re over here boss. That’s the other team.”

“Oh. Well anyway, do you want to buy a used Ford Capri?”

Football Frenzy

Football Frenzy-01

I don’t know the name of the football team here, because the name is obscured by the manager’s traumatised head, so I’m going to go with ‘Git Town United’. I also don’t know how Pierce Brosnan made the leap from sultry action star to manager of Git Town United.

The players’ various injuries and disabilities appear to be the following:

– Balding
– Gone blind
– Broken arm
– Fractured skull
– Harry Maguire

Judging by the haunted look on Pierce Brosnan’s face and the accompanying thought bubble, these injuries all occurred at a particularly heated away day at Sunderland.

International Football

International Football-01

1. Where are the goalkeeper’s eyes? 2. How is that one spectator’s head managing to come THROUGH THE GOAL NET?

Peter Beardsley’s International Football

Peter Beardsley_s International Football-01

Regular readers all know my Peter Beardsley anecdote, but I’ll tell it again because why fucking not. Here it is: Peter Beardsley once came to do a talk at my sister’s school. He encountered my mother in the school car park. “Hello,” he said. “Would you like an autograph?” Sadly for Peter Beardsley, my mother had no idea who he was, and thought he was a sex pest. The end.

Anyway, here we see Beardsley making several rookie errors regarding a game of football. Firstly, that’s not a football pitch, it’s a horse racing track. Secondly, he’s playing against himself, which is cheating. Thirdly, there isn’t supposed to be a giant smashed up computer on the pitch. Someone could lose an eye, and then they’d have to join Git Town United.

World Of Soccer

World of Soccer-01

Neither of these players want to touch the ball because ‘it’s got germs on it’. I can’t imagine this is acceptable behaviour for professional footballers.

Big Match Soccer

Big Match Soccer-01

This is fine apart from the one dude in the corner, who looks for all the world like he just came to shit on the pitch and wants to share it with us.

Brian Clough’s Football Fortunes

Brian Clough_s Football Fortunes-01

We acquired a copy of this (completely legally), and we thought it might be a giggle. However, when we went to play it, it was all in French. The only French we know is ‘Ou est mon pantalon’, so we didn’t persevere with it. I don’t know who Mr Clough is shouting at, or why there are five men’s toilets in that football. I’m really scared.

Empire Soccer 94

Empire Soccer 94-01

Right. What must have happened here is that Jack Charlton has invented a mind-ray that makes player’s limbs all go in random directions. “Oh no, what’s happening?” the players cry, as their try to kick themselves in their own face. This leaves the pitch free for Jack Charlton’s star player, Pablo Escobar (in a wig in case there are any police in the crowd), to make a run down the middle. Sadly, he’s forgotten the ball, so cannot score anyway. Jack Charlton looks on at the chaos, pleased with his plan.

My memory of these events might be sketchy given that England didn’t even qualify in 94.

Kevin Keegan’s Player Manager

Kevin Keegan_s Player Manager-01

Let’s be real here, I’ve picked this one because it’s Kevin Keegan, which is always funny. Meanwhile, that man is clearly cheating. I don’t know what the official FA rules say about levitating the ball through the power of rage, but I can’t imagine it’s in the spirit of the game. His opponent is quite rightly horrified, and is about to call a priest. Kevin Keegan is doing nothing to stop this flouting of the rules.

New book out soon lads. Click here to have a look at my first one.

5 thoughts on “Stupid Video Game Box Art: Football Edition

  1. those Cult games were always crap and I always bought them with my pocket money. Quite often in between matches you’d have to wait for a minimum 40 minutes for the computer to crunch the numbers for the rest of the results. Yes, crunch.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. International Football looks like the cover of a really depressing book we’d be forced to read in top class primary.
    It’d feature a bully and a burglar and probably some AIDS/dangerous pylon climbing as well as a bit of footie.



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