Hi gang, today we’re making this load of shit, from the Ladybird Book of Making a Load of Shit.


I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what a Gonk is. it seems to be one of those mythical things everyone had in the past, like Chopper bikes and scurvy. Attempts at research resulted in me getting loads of adverts like this:

emma watson


So all I’ve really got to go on is that picture of a shoddy Ron Jeremy action figure.

Here is what you’ll need if you’re making one along at home. You’re not though are you. You’re sat reading this while drinking lager, and laughing at me attempting to make a shit Gonk.

you will need

If for some reason you are making a Gonk along at home, I would suggest adding ‘strong booze/Calpol’ to this list.

I might as well admit right now that I don’t necessarily have all the materials the Ladybird book is ordering me to have, so I might not be able to create an exact replica of the state-approved Gonk. To be perfectly honest, if I can manage to glue two things together without shit going on fire, I’ll consider that a win.

OK lads, let’s make a Gonk!

I’ve immediately encountered a problem. I do not own a ‘cardboard cup’, because who the fuck has ever owned a ‘cardboard cup’ in the history of the universe.

Never mind, I’ll improvise. I found this can:


Next I need ‘the fastening flap of a polystyrene eggbox’.

Answers on a postcard.

I’m supposed to use this to make the Gonk’s glasses and nose, but joke’s on you Ladybird, because I have thought of a genius way around this.


No one will ever know.

Next we’re making the arms out of a ‘cardboard eggbox’. Don’t tell Ladybird, but I got my cardboard from OTHER SOURCES.


He’s supposed to be giving us the finger, but now it just looks like he’s pointing over there.

Now it’s time for a brief intermission.

During the intermission I made some jolly good progress:


I didn’t have a tub to cover in foil for the hat, and that’s stupid and crap anyway, so I used a biro. The sword is cunningly made from a rude ladies’ item. This will probably scare off his enemies more effectively.

I’ve just realised I’ve forgotten to paint it or attach hair. This is going brilliantly.

In a last minute rescue, the day has been saved by adding some hair and a moustache, as ordered by Ladybird. Now it looks EXACTLY like the picture. I’m quite proud.


I think I’ll call him Alan. He looks like an Alan.

Well, that was five minutes of your life you won’t get back.


New book out soon lads. Click here to have a look at my first one.


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