We need to talk about George

Lads, I’ve found the worst thing in the world. If they were trying to create an apocalyptic 2020 version of Rainbow, they’ve succeeded.

Turns out some company has acquired the rights to Rainbow despite having never seen Rainbow, seen an actual Rainbow, or heard the word ‘rainbow’ before. This company is using those rights to produce books like ‘Uncle George will break your knees tonight if you don’t pay up’. I only discovered this while innocently browsing the Rainbow Wikipedia page, as you do when you’re 37 and depressed.

Let’s just take a minute to go over this glorious cover, point by point.

The book itself is supposed to be an interactive puppet book: Mum and/or Dad put their hand in George, creating a whimsical live action story adventure for their child.

Reality: Child is so traumatised by ‘threatening bailiff George’ that they will never sleep again. And they’ll certainly never get into debt.

Here is the Amazon synopsis:

“Feelings of nostalgia for parents.” I get that. I too would like to go back to a time before this fucker was made. Ideally when Terry’s Neapolitans were still a thing.

Meanwhile, the plot centres around George playing hide and seek with people. I fucking wonder why.

You know this is bad because it manages to be worse than anything Bungle has ever done.

I am not an artist, but even I have a sense of – to use the technical expression – things looking fucking wrong. Those cold, staring eyes. Those wrong nostrils. Those synthetic plastic lips. The way they combine to make George say “U WOT M8”. The menacing way he’s brandishing his rattle at you. And what is his other arm doing.

I’ve watched a lot of Rainbow, but I don’t remember ever seeing George off his chuff on Stella, threatening to glass the viewers. Let’s be honest – the only thing George wants to play in this universe is fucking Russian Roulette.

If you think I’m overreacting because you’re 12 and you’ve never watched Rainbow, imagine this reboot in 30 years:

There isn’t really a point to this post, except that I needed to express my anger/fear at this unholy abomination. If you’re curious, it’s on Amazon. Godspeed.