You know what every little girl wants? They want to be taught the finer points of creating a fucking Tinder profile. Someone has finally decided to address this issue in handy game form, and the result is ‘Princess Tinder Wars’.
I’m not sure this game is official canon.
Continue reading “Let’s play Princess Tinder Wars: Elsa has herpes”
Apologies for not doing many posts recently, I’ve been on some super fun new anxiety meds, one of the effects of which is “malaise”. Malaise, in this case, translates roughly as “lying on the settee watching loads of Jim Sterling on Youtube and being too tired to fart”. Anyway, here I am.
Today’s episode is called ‘Watch Out’, and it’s about watching out. Presumably, like ‘watch out for that falling piano’ and ‘watch out for that sex pest over there’.
Bungle is doing a painting. Unfortunately for Bungle, he’s forgotten to watch out, and now his afternoon is littered with life-threatening things. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the hazards?
Firstly, There is a pot of water just feet away from the edge of the table. If knocked over, this water will go on fire.
Secondly, There are some toy cars on the floor. You might not have spotted this one, because it wasn’t in the first screenshot. Oh well.
Lastly – and most importantly – Bungle’s painting is fucking rubbish. He should watch out for art critics, who might come along and tell him this. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Try not to get bummed by a chair”
In the olden days, kids used to have things called ‘hobbies’.
A ‘hobby’ is loosely defined as ‘an activity your parents order you to do because they’re sick of you running round yelling when they’re trying to watch Spender’.
If left to my own devices, my hobbies would have included the following:
- picking my nose
- mixing all the shampoos in the bathroom together to make ‘magic potions’
- forward rolls
- saying ‘willies’ then laughing uncontrollably because this is hilarious
This wasn’t enough for my parents, who endlessly strived for excellence on my behalf. As such, I was bought various improving activities to do, despite the fact that my parents had met me.
Let’s have a look, courtesy of the 1992 Index catalogue my parents seemed to use as their own personal Harrods, at the various ways parents tried to shut their kids up for half an hour.
What Index said: “Create beautiful designs at the turn of a wheel. Mix and match each outfit, rub the outline through, colour it in and cut it out.”
Reality: Rub across the entire wheel with your orange crayon because you’ve lost all your other crayons, ending up with a design for an obese hi-vis vest. Still feel like Vivienne Westwood. Cut out hi-vis vest, become confused when it won’t magically attach itself to your Barbie and has to be sellotaped on. Barbie now looks like shit. Continue reading “Arts and crafts in 1992”
Today we’re looking at an episode featuring everyone’s favourite auntie – Auntie! I’m not sure whose auntie she is, but she must be somebody’s, because she does auntie things like saying “Hello, I’m Auntie.” Now I’m going to stop writing that word for a bit because I’ve written it too much and it’s started to look all funny and wrong.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. This episode is also about losing your job at the shoe shop, which is something all 3 year olds have experienced at some point.
Can you guess who’s lost their job at the shoe shop? Well, it’s not Geoffrey because he doesn’t appear to have a job, apart from occasionally looking at some papers on a clipboard and going “oh dear”. It’s probably not Zippy or George, because they don’t have feet, and would be mediocre at best when it comes to singing the praises of slingbacks. And it’s not Bungle, because we’ve met Bungle, come on.
If you’re still reading this and you’re an idiot, I’ll reveal the answer shortly. But first, Bungle, Zippy and George are playing ‘dog doctor’.
They’re not playing ‘vet’, because they don’t know the word ‘vet’, because they’re 3. This adds weight to my theory that they don’t work at Freeman Hardy Willis. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Hard Times”
Well, who does wear short shorts? And when I say short, I mean ‘CAUTION – FLYING BALLS IN THIS AREA’.
The answer is, of course, the mighty Rod. Shame on you if you said Bungle. We all know Bungle’s balls are allowed to flap around in the breeze, just like nature intended.
But why is Rod wearing the hottest of hotpants? Because the gang have decided to host the Olympics in their back garden, that’s why.
Let’s begin. Geoffrey is busy making sashes that will separate the pro athletes from Bungle and Jane’s team.
“Hang on,” thinks Geoffrey. “How can Zippy and George do the egg and spoon race when they have a grand total of no legs between them? Oh sod it, let them worry about that. We all have disabilities. Jane’s a woman.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Who wears short shorts?”
Hello. How are you? I am fine. Hoping this finds you as it leaves me. Recently the mister and I have been binge-watching Coronation Street from the 80s. If you’re wondering, this has been accompanied by lots of tea and lard – the food of my people. It has also been accompanied by a load of booze, because how else were we going to do really banging Mavis impressions?
Anyway, we watched so much Coronation Street that we came up with a shit drinking game, here for your perusal. The rules of the game are as follows – have a drink whenever any of the following occur. Alternatively, have a drink whenever you realise you’re sat there watching old Coronation Street on Youtube instead of making loads of money, which you should be doing at your age. Then cry a bit. Then eat lard, which makes everything better.
– Mike Baldwin orders a large scotch. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a large scotch.) Rita orders a vodka and tonic. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a vodka and tonic.) Emily Bishop orders a tomato juice. (Drink literally anything that isn’t tomato juice. Please.)
– People only ever refer to Billy Walker as “Billywalker”. Bonus drink if he even refers to himself as “Billywalker”. I presume his full name is ‘Billywalker Walker’.
– Mavis says “I DON’T REALLY KNOW!”. Fun fact 1 – she never fucking says this. Fun fact 2 – I think she does say this once. See if you can spot it (10 bonus drinks if spotted). Fun fact 3 – despite joining the Coronation Street cast in 2014, Les Dennis has never played Mavis.
– You find yourself saying – out loud – “I love Derek and Mavis. I want one.” At this point, also stop drinking.
– You see this fucking thing behind Rita:
Bonus drink if you find out where it went.
– Someone goes upstairs/on holiday and IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
– You really want to go into that mysterious back room in the Kabin, to buy all the ‘records’ and ‘videos’, because you’re sure they sell porn in there. On record. You’ve probably had quite a lot to drink by this point. Continue reading “The 1983 – 1988 Coronation Street drinking game”
Hello how are you? I am fine.
Do you remember when shopping wasn’t hideous, and sometimes you’d go to the shops for a nice day out? I used to do that before all the shops became one big Tesco that smells of piss and poor people.
The gang are going to have a nice day out at the shops in today’s episode, which is called ‘Shops’. You know what, I bet you could have figured out the title for yourself; it’s not like the episode was going to be called ‘The English Patient’.
Let’s begin. Everyone is bored:
George: “I’m bored.”
Zippy: “I’m bored.”
Bungle: “Geoffrey bet me a fiver I couldn’t pull my own nose off. I’ll show him.”
Geoffrey orders them to stop being bored, because “there are hundreds of things to do”. This is a lie Geoffrey. Most officially sanctioned ‘things to do’ are variants of waving limbs around. You know this. I’d say there are about seven things to do, in the whole world. And one of those is seeing if it’s possible to kick yourself in the fanny.
“How about a game of I Spy?”
“Jesus Geoffrey why not just put us in a coma now and have done with it?” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt”