“Hello, and welcome to the inaugural British Thanksgiving Parade! We’re you’re hosts, Wanda Mcgfyegf7yg and Bob Cahndhyrrg.”

“And let me tell you, we’re super excited to be here, aren’t we Bob?”

“We sure are Wanda!” Here in your England’s beautiful capital – Loughborough!”

“Which, if you’re not sure Bob, is pronounced “LUGOOBURHOOBURER. Isn’t that swell?”

“Didn’t London used to be the capital Wanda?”

“Errr… it sure did Bob, before… the war.”

“What war?”

“…AND HERE WE HAVE OUR FIRST BALLOON! Yes! Coming just round the corner, what better way to celebrate the English, Welsh and Scotch than by having the British national dish – the Greggs sausage roll!” Continue reading “The British Thanksgiving Parade” →

Hello. Have you bought some shit for people because that’s what you’re supposed to do? You should probably wrap it, because I’ve learned from experience that handing people a Lidl carrier bag with stains on it doesn’t go down well. Especially if the bag is the present.

I’m no expert at wrapping presents. When it’s time for my annual wrapping marathon, I visit the local church and ask God if he will give me 20 fingers, just for the Christmas period. He hasn’t got back to me so far, so I have to make do with sellotape, 10 fingers that appear to have gone on strike, and a horrible optimistic feeling that I might magically be good at wrapping presents this year. Every time I’m disappointed, which is why my loved ones will receive vouchers next Christmas. Only they won’t because I’ll forget I’m awful at wrapping presents.

I’m going to take you through my annual present wrapping experience, so you can learn from my mistakes. I shall illustrate my various rage levels through the medium of dogs because, like them, when I get annoyed I piss on the floor. Continue reading “How to wrap Christmas presents” →

Every so often, I’ll acquire one of those catalogues you get free in TV Quick, TV Week, TV Shite, or similar. My mother in law saves them for me because she knows I’ve got problems.

The latest catalogue I got has made me reconsider collecting them. Trust me, this one’s a doozy.

Looks pretty unassuming doesn’t it, with its… whatever the fuck that is on the front cover. I’ll admit, most of it is the generic wonder crap you see in all these catalogues – back enhancers, piss remover, things with pictures of owls on them… But halfway through, with no warning whatsoever, I stumbled on a section that has made me need therapy.

As we embark on this journey together, please remember that this catalogue’s intended market is 89 year old ladies called Mavis, whose primary hobby is telling people they’re 89.

Let’s begin with some normal tat.

US Army super torch

Continue reading “The Easylife Catalogue: weed and porn and OH GOD MY EYES” →

Do you remember when Marvel wasn’t an all-encompassing million billion dollar franchise, but a pastime for kids and strange men who lived with their parents? (Insert ‘not much has changed then’ joke here if you want.)

In 1988, the Marvel universe mostly consisted of the following TV awesomeness:

– The Incredible Hulk Returns

– RoboCop: The Animated Series

– Marvel Action Universe (Dino-Riders and RoboCop cartoons)

I think we can all agree that this is the Marvel universe at its finest – odd, slightly shoddy superhero pulp, with no message other than HULK SMASH! Certainly you don’t want your Dino-Riders to have strong opinions on joining the Euro.

The point of this insane, piss-stained rambling is that the other day I was watching the 1988 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, because I am cool and great. Being British, I haven’t seen many Thanksgiving parades, but I became obsessed with them a few years ago, and have spent a lot of time trying to rectify that situation.

After the Spiderman balloon, complete with super jazzy Spiderman theme music, we were going to need something pretty fucking special. Therefore we were treated to a big musical number, featuring all your favourite Marvel heroes and some choir.

First of all we have our two hosts, who I’m sure are big bollocks in America, like a US Lionel Blair and Wincey Willis. He’s excited to be in the same city as Marvel heroes:

“Captain America! The Incredible Hulk! I like The Incredible Hulk.”

She looks embarrassed to even be talking about Marvel stuff; she says (and I quote) “Meanwhile, from THE REAL WORLD, we have these athletes, you know, who have actually done stuff IN REAL LIFE. Jesus Christ Bob…”. Continue reading “The 1988 Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade: Budget Marvel Edition” →