Hello, how are you? I am fine. Do you like to to spend your weekends blocking out your pain by drinking stuff? Me too! This hobby is called “getting hammered off your tits”, and has recently been given a classy makeover by the inclusion of “cocktails”. Cocktails are when someone puts a bunch of random drinks together, and includes shit that should never see the inside of a glass. Then they add a sprig of mint, and call it “The Jim Bowen” or whatever.

I’ve decided that too many cocktails include olives or lemon or some other nonsense, so I’m going to share my own cocktail recipes with you. I’m not sure what they are yet, because to be honest I’m thinking them up as I go, but I’m sure they’ll be brilliant. Continue reading “The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour” →

Hello. You know what would make us millennials feel smug? Laughing at the furniture our parents decided was acceptable. They only decided on this furniture because they were off their tits on Babycham, Mirage, or stale tea out of a flask at Ingoldmells. And all this while they were telling you it was wrong to run round yelling with your finger up your nose.

Exhibit A

This is not what you do when you need to furnish your house. You do not go to the airport and nick some seats from the Business Class waiting room. Continue reading “Let’s laugh at shit furniture” →

You know what sentence I never thought I’d have to write? “In this story, Bob fucks Dizzy the cement mixer up the bum.” Yet here I am.

The events leading up to me writing this aren’t important, but they involve a hangover and Leeds beating Millwall. All you need to know is that I went down a rabbit hole featuring cement mixer buttocks, giant dildos and Postman Pat. Yes, poor Pat gets dragged into this too.

Disclaimer: Some of these are probably jokes. I hope they are. If you wrote one of these, and you’re reading this, I’d put money on you not passing a DBS check.

OK, let’s begin. Have some Toilet Duck on hand, to drink.

In case you don’t fancy Toilet Duck, I’ll be accompanying each entry with a picture of a suitable thing to drink while reading the… literature. Continue reading “The terrifying world of Bob the Builder erotic fanfiction” →