Rainbow episode review: Cough Please

I’m not well. For the last couple of days I’ve been getting around by dragging myself along the floor. My bones and joints appear to have had a trade union meeting, and have decided they’re sick of working for me. My best guess is I’ve picked something up from one of the old dears in Tesco; this will be confirmed if I start going round telling people I’m 89.

Given this, I thought I’d write about the episode where Zippy catches the plague.

1

He knows he’s got the plague because he Googled it, and found a forum where a man said he definitely had either the plague or menopause. The only person he could have caught menopause from is Bungle, but since he routinely sprays antibacterial spray on Bungle, he doubts this.

Oh sod it, let’s go with menopause, because I keep spelling ‘plague’ as ‘plauge’ and I’m too ill to keep going back and checking it.

Whatever, Zippy’s in bed. Presumably Bungle and George aren’t allowed to share the bed with him at the moment, on account of how they might catch menopause. Don’t worry – there are loads of places they can sleep, like the dance studio or the spaceship they somehow own.

Geoffrey comes in. “Look Zippy, I’ve brought you some slop,” he says.

slop

“Stick it up your arse,” says Zippy. “Look at the state of me.”

“Tell you what,” says Geoffrey. “I’ll ask Bungle and George to come up and see you! That’ll cheer you up!”

“Will it now,” says Zippy.

Zippy doesn’t want to see Bungle and George. He uses his hideous appearance as an excuse, but Geoffrey can see right through that.

“Don’t give me that Zippy, we both know Bungle’s blind, and George doesn’t have pupils, so neither of them will see you.”

Meanwhile, George and Bungle are making a Get Well Soon card for Zippy. The state of it:

card

This next bit. You know how Bungle’s a dick? Watch him, against all the odds, be even more of a dick than usual:

dick1dick2dick3

He ruins George’s minutes of work by adding ‘hilarious’ menopause measles to Zippy.

Let’s brainstorm and come up with a suitable punishment for Bungle:

1: Trampled by cows

2: Handcuff him to someone with really loud snotty breathing

3: Wax his shoulder flap

Later on, Bungle and George visit Zippy, as threatened. They keep their distance, unwilling to risk catching menopause. Although, thinking about it, if they wanted to get closer they’d have to actually get into bed with him, and why would they do that. Also, “b”.

visit

They’ve made him a new card, and they’ve replaced the menopause measles with ‘worrying eye disease’.

replacement card

Zippy sulks at them until they leave, them immediately regrets it. Mood swings are a well known symptom of menopause.

Downstairs, Bungle leaves a cupboard door slightly ajar. Geoffrey walks into the cupboard door (quite slowly), and the resulting injury is so catastrophic he starts limping and has to sit down. Also his arm disappears.

limping

Geoffrey has a go at Bungle, and Bungle runs off to the kitchen like a big drama queen. I hope he doesn’t start rage-baking.

Everything’s certainly going to bollocks today:

– Zippy has the plague/menopause/cystitis and will surely die
– Geoffrey is lame
– Bungle

But don’t worry, because Geoffrey has a plan. Actually, he has two plans. The first plan involves bringing the TV upstairs and balancing it precariously on the shelf.

balance

“I wonder what’s on,” says Zippy. I don’t.

doncaster

Oh look it’s Jane, staggering round trying to find her way home after a banging night out in Doncaster.

This cheers Zippy up slightly, because at least he’s not in Doncaster. However, he still has one leg in the pit of despair caused by his spots. As we learned earlier, Zippy’s main problem with being ill is that he looks weird. He’s convinced no one wants to be around him because he’s all spotty. What’s to be done?

Time for Geoffrey’s second plan!

spots

Is he taking the piss?

Oh look, they’re all taking the piss.

spots 2spots 3

This cheers Zippy up instead of giving him a complex, so I suppose it’s ok. Although can you imagine if he was in bed with severe depression and they all decided to start acting depressed “to cheer him up”? That would be a good episode.

Anyway, that’s the end. I’m going to stop now because my limbs are hurting. If anyone would like to bring me a cup of tea, that would be nice.

My childhood bedroom

I found this photo today, of the bedroom I had when I was 5:

childhood bedroom main

It’s a much better bedroom than the one I currently have, which is full of Alex’s pants.

Because the alternative is sitting here scratching myself, I’m going to examine what made this bedroom so great. And then I’m going to sit here scratching myself.

Bluebird Market Stall

market stall

This was my main present the Christmas before. On one side was a fruit and veg stall, full of quality produce at low low prices; on the other side was ‘Hamburger Heaven’, a fast food joint. No one ever phoned me on that phone.

I loved this to death, but clearly I could have taken better care of it. Seriously, what kind of quality produce emporium has the roof missing? I’d also lost all the quality produce by this point, leaving me to terrorise my family into buying some stones I’d found on the drive outside.

Care Bears wallpaper

wallpaper

Because I was a girl, I had fucking girly wallpaper. This was later to be replaced with ‘Victoria Plum’ and ‘Snatch’ décor, until I was a teenager, and decorated my room with old cereal bowls, Radiohead posters and the smell of misery.

Rainbow poster

rainbow poster

Of course. Of fucking course. This came free with Rainbow Comic, and features Detective Zippy, The Great Georgio, and a terrifying Bungle with muscles.

Books

books

At least half of these will be Rainbow annuals. Non-Rainbow fare includes these two:

parson dimly

And countless ‘Read It Yourself’ and Puddle Lane books. My parents never minded buying me books – because I was good at reading for my age, they were convinced I was some kind of super genius. I soon proved them wrong.

Soft toys

soft toys

I had billions of these, thanks to our seemingly never-ending holidays to Ingoldmells, Scarborough or similar. My dad was brilliant at grab machines, so we always came home with 37,000 knock off teddies that were probably full of nails and gas. Of particular note is the phallic Mickey Mouse on the right. There are also a couple of Pink Panther knock-offs with beards.

And speaking of knock-offs…

Bin

bin

Some kind of Dusty Bin/Ninja Turtles hybrid. I think my mum won this at the Telly Bingo. This probably wasn’t her first choice of prize, but I was obsessed with Turtles at the time, so I’m guessing I threatened to shit on the floor or something unless she got me it.

As an adult, I can see that the poor thing’s eyes are glued to the outside of its headband.

10 mildly annoying things

10 mildly annoying things

Are you annoyed? No? Don’t worry, I can help with that. If you fancy getting just the right amount of annoyed (for example, if you want to be able to kick something quite hard), then take a look at this list. Also contains solutions, for when you want to stop being annoyed. I’ve tried them, but to be honest they don’t work and I mostly just end up being annoyed until I fall asleep.

1: Slow motion eating in adverts

slow eating woman

I do not want to see that food go in your mouth, and mix with your spit and probably last night’s jizz. Normal people eat at 360mph – start doing that instead please.

Solution: Watch the advert on fast forward. Watch all the other adverts on fast forward too, because they’re mostly shit.

2: Getting a hair on you and you can’t get it off

hair

This normally occurs when you’re doing something that requires not having a stray hair floating about, such as the washing up, or open heart surgery.

Solution: Shave your head and entire body.

3: Seeing a ‘bit’ on the carpet when you’re trying to watch TV

carpet bit

And you just know that you won’t be able to concentrate on ‘Celebrity Anal Vasectomies’ until you’ve picked the bit up.

Solution: Move house. Try to get somewhere without floors next time.

4: Someone saying “It’s ok” after you apologise even though THEY bumped into YOU.

sorry not sorry

Making you immediately start questioning what just happened. Did you actually bump into them? What if… oh wait no, they’re still just a fat ignorant dick who’s pulled you into their gravitational orbit.

Solution: Kick them up the arse. Wait for them to apologise. Bonus points if you make them drop their shopping.

5: Only strawberry ones left in a tub of Quality Street

quality street

This is assuming you don’t know any of those freaks who like the strawberry ones.

Solution: There’s actually quite a decent recipe to try when you have this problem:

Put all unused chocolates in a blender (unwrap them first you fucking idiot)

Add 1 cup milk, ½ cup cocoa powder (unsweetened)

Blend for 30 seconds

Throw the mix down the sink, and have a Wispa.

6: Jeans are too tight because you’ve just taken them out of the dryer

mini jeans

Bonus annoying thing: all the metal bits are hotter than the sun.

Solution: Don’t wash your jeans. What the fuck are you washing your jeans for anyway? Who do you think you are, the Queen?

7: People saying “Feel free to…”

feel free

As in “Feel free to check out my shit blog that no one wants to read anyway, and which would only benefit me and not you.” Thanks, because otherwise I might not have felt welcome over at your shit blog.

I realise being mad at other people for having a shit blog is hypocrisy on my part.

Anyway – “feel free to do me this favour that doesn’t benefit you in any way.”

Solution: Ask them at least 10 times: “Are you sure it’s ok if I read your shit blog? Are you sure you’re sure?” Ask them another 20 times just to be extra sure.

8: Clickbait that doesn’t contain the thing in the advert

clickbait

I realise this is most clickbait, and that it’s my fault for bothering, but it’s especially bad when I attempt to read a thought-provoking piece like “7 celebrities who had their skulls removed for charity”, only to discover I’m actually reading “Red hot women in Dudley want to fuck you now.” They really don’t.

Solution: Meet up with one of the red hot women from Dudley, and see what she has to say for herself. Don’t let her off the hook until she can name “7 celebrities who’ve had their skulls removed for charity”.

9: People standing too close to you

queue_close.jpg

Normally found in queues, crowds, and wherever the fuck I choose to stand. Not sure if these people are trying to steal my DNA. They normally smell and are called Alan.

Solution: Start scratching yourself and shout “Those bastard fleas are back!” Alternatively, start a small fire.

10: ‘Fun’

Women-Dancing-in-Club-1

People having ‘fun’ on TV that’s no such thing. It isn’t fun to keep your arms above your head for hours at a time, unless you’re training for Gladiators.

See also: splashing each other’s eyes in a pool, laughing hysterically while looking at a shoe, fucking Salsa fucking lessons.

Solution: Try not to have any fun ever. And if you see those women doing that arm dance, aim the fire extinguisher at them.

Rainbow episode review: I’m sorry I haven’t a clue

In today’s episode, Bungle and Geoffrey get married and have a baby. There’s probably some other bit of plot, but like that matters.

Geoffrey explains that they’ve all agreed to do Zippy’s bidding today. Only Freddy looks suitably worried about this.

Also, ignore the title of the episode if you don’t want spoilers for later. If you read the title accidentally, go back and look at the picture again, only this time don’t read the title.

1

Instead of making them go round Lidl naked, Zippy’s just ordered them to act out a ‘mystery story’. The man has no vision.

Geoffrey’s pleased because he’s going to play the king. This means he’s the best.

Look at him. Look how best he is.

2

“And I’m going to be the maid…”

“And I’m going to be the miller…”

“And what the fuck am I supposed to be in this dress?”

3

“That’s your punishment for putting that pint of beer next to me and going “Hey look lads, Zippy’s legless!”

Now it’s time for the story to begin. Bungle (in a different dress for some reason) is having one of those ‘Jesus Christ, I could have been ‘Corpse #2′ in The Bill by now’ moments.

4

Now then. Once upon a time, there was a miller, and he had a beautiful daughter, who was also a bear. The miller’s daughter was having an existential crisis. But when the miller met the king, he decided this wasn’t that impressive. Instead, he lied and said his depressed bear daughter could spin straw into gold.

“Fuck off with that,” said the king.

“I’m serious,” said the miller. “And she can turn pubes into that diamonique stuff you get on QVC.”

5

The king sent for the miller’s daughter. He took her to a room full of straw, and that top thing. The miller’s daughter didn’t yet understand that she could sit on a chair without flashing her huge bear fanny.

6

“Right, here’s the deal miller’s daughter. You have 8 hours to spin this straw into gold. Events occur in real time.”

8-shours

Will the miller’s daughter be able to spin the straw in time?

A: Yes

B: No, because she’s Bungle

C: No, because Rod lied like a big nice-haired liar

The answer will be revealed shortly.

Suddenly, a tiny magic guy who is in no way affiliated with Zippy appears.

7

“Right Bungle, I’ll spin the straw into gold if you promise to stop trying to get ‘Ten Green Bottles’ going in bed.”

“I’m not Bungle, I’m the miller’s daughter.”

“And if you promise to stop lying about being the miller’s daughter.”

“Fuck you tiny Zippy, I’m not selling out my integrity.”

“Fine, enjoy getting bummed by Geoffrey in the morning.”

8c

“If you don’t spin the straw into gold for me, I’ll stuff you somewhere, and I don’t mean the Ritz.”

Tiny Zippy spins the straw into gold.

Repeat the previous sequence x 3,000,000.

The next day, the king says “Right, this is the last lot of straw, I promise. If you do this last bit, I’ll marry you and have sex with you and stuff.”

Meanwhile, Geoffrey realises what he’s just said.

9

Tiny Zippy agrees to spin the straw into gold, if Bungle will give him whatever type of baby pops out as a result of his union with Geoffrey. Bungle agrees, knowing he’s on the pill.

A week later, Bungle has a kid. Turns out the pill doesn’t work on men in bear suits who have sex with Geoffrey.

10

Tiny Zippy comes back. “Give me whatever that is you’ve shat out of your fanny.”

“No. I’ve suddenly decided I like being a mother. Can I give you the cash value instead?”

“Fuck off, I want the kid. I need someone who can get served for ciggies.”

“Well you’re not having my baby.”

“Fine. If you can guess my name, I won’t take your baby. But if you can’t, I’ll…”

“You’ll do what? I’m 837 times the size of you.”

“Just fucking agree.”

“Ok.”

All the staff spent the next few days trying to guess Tiny Zippy’s name.

11

“Is it Batman?”

“Is it L’aquwanashida’la?”

“Is it Bungle?” “Shut up Bungle, you’re not helping.”

Those were the only three names they could think of. Since they only had one more day to guess Tiny Zippy’s name, they decided to send Jane out to spy on him, on the off chance he’d just happen to be singing a song to himself, all about what his name is.

As luck would have it –

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When Tiny Zippy turned up the next day, everyone was prepared.

“Well? This is your last chance. What’s my name?”

“SLIM SHADY!”

“What? No you fucking idiots. Right I’m having that kid off you.”

But when tiny Zippy tried to steal the baby, he found that he couldn’t even get his arms round its head, so had no way of stealing it, as he hadn’t thought to bring a crane. He also discovered that the baby was annoying and disapproved of smoking, so wouldn’t go to the shop for his Mayfair Superkings.

13

“Fine,” said Tiny Zippy. “I’ll just have to resort to me and my brothers in a big coat, as fucking usual.”

THE END.

I’ll leave you with a bonus screenshot, in which Jane can’t figure out how to work a spinning top, and Freddy’s daring the others to laugh at his woollen hair.

bonus

Rainbow episode review: Debbie Does Rainbow

Since next week is the annual tossfest known as Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write about the one where Zippy has a crush on a woman and wants to have sex with her.

It isn’t only humans who enjoy the act of mashing genitals together then crying – puppets do too. I’m not sure how the mechanics of it would work, since Zippy appears to stop at the waist. However, this might just be a common misconception. For all we know, this could be Zippy any time he steps out from behind the table:

zippy-hunk

The point is that he wants to have sex with a human woman, and this episode explores the conflicting emotions created by a one sided human/puppet romance.

It also teaches the young me that it’s ok to have a crush on Fred Savage from The Wonder Years, and that it’s ok to write to him even if your big sister says your letter’s crap and he’ll hate it.

As a bonus, we get Rod being extra suave.

We begin with Zippy watching the object of his affection – Debbie off Children’s ITV. My first thought was ‘why is one of his hands under the table’, but then I remembered he’s only got one arm. Crisis averted, and now I’m ashamed of myself.

watching-debbie

Debbie and the other one (Roger?) are showing off the drawings sent in by viewers. Zippy starts shouting at the TV, calling all the pictures “shit”. Exactly why he thinks 6 year old Timmy’s picture of a cat is a threat to his chances with Debbie is never explained. Zippy also hates Roger, and is convinced he’ll be boning Debbie as soon as they cut to Rosie & Jim.

Bungle comes in and turns the TV off without asking, the fat hairy fuck.

bungle-tv-off

“Bungle I was watching that! Turn it back on!”

“No I want to play a game!”

“All right then, let’s play that game where I pull all the hair out of your crotch.”

Later on, Zippy’s making a card for Debbie, which he’s going to send in to Children’s ITV. Only Debbie is allowed to read it out – it’s got a special chemical on it that means if Roger touches it, he dies. Geoffrey thinks this is a smashing idea.

ooooh

Zippy’s also written a poem for Debbie:

“My darling Debbie,
I’m glad you’re not plebby,
Not like that Jane
Who’s knocking off Freddy.”

Geoffrey helps him write it down and they get it ready to post, stopping only to include some of Geoffrey’s pubes because “he had some spare”.

Imagine feeling all romantic, and wanting to be in bed with the woman of your dreams, and instead you have to put up with this:

bed

Bungle discovers that Zippy’s been keeping this in the bed:

picture-debbie

Later on we’ll find out he’s also been making a life size effigy of Debbie using toenail clippings and soap. It’s a slow process, as I don’t think he has toenails.

Anyway, this leads to a session of general ribbing:

“Zippy’s in love!”

“Zippy’s a stalker!”

“Come on Zippy, what have you done with the body?”

When they get bored with that they instantly go to sleep, leaving Zippy to have a dream about Debbie.

dream

In the dream, Debbie sits there like a North Korean propaganda machine, telling Zippy he’s wonderful. Zippy replies “Yes, I know,” making him the natural choice to take over when Jeremy Kyle retires.

My god, can you imagine that.

A few days later, Debbie’s reading Zippy’s poem out on TV!

reading-letter-out

But that’s old news, because now Zippy’s writing a song for her. I’ll be honest, it’s not very good. Songs normally have tunes.

Zippy’s going to need some help with this song. If only he knew some songwriters who lived in his kitchen.

rjf-help

Jane still looks mad about that poem he wrote.

As luck would have it, Rod, Jane and Freddy are able to instantly come up with a fully produced song, complete with Casio keyboard backing track.

I promised you Rod looking suave:

suave1

The next day, Geoffrey calls Zippy, George and Bungle into the living room. Whatever for?

Incidentally, I paused it on this bit that looks like Geoffrey has his balls out for no reason.

balls1

Geoffrey’s got a surprise for them (not his balls). Zippy’s not listening; he’s pissed off because Debbie’s not on TV at the moment, so he’ll have to fall back on that sock puppet he made of her. He launches into a heartfelt monologue about how Debbie would totally drop her knickers for him if she met him.

“You’d all see – she’d think I was wonderful…”

debbie-enters

“…and I’d be so handsome, and strong, and I’d talk to her, and…”

“Hi Zippy.”

hiding

Oh, spoiler alert – Geoffrey’s arranged for Debbie to come round and meet Zippy.

Zippy’s reaction is 100% understandable. Way to go ruining his chances Geoffrey, you insensitive prick. When Zippy talked about meeting her, I assume he meant in a cocktail bar, with him being some James Bond type in a suit. Not as an act of charity, and especially not with Bungle looking on. The only thing that would make her less likely to go out with him now is if he was wearing a big badge with ‘COMPETITION WINNER’ written on it.

Bungle puts the final nail in the coffin by actively pointing and laughing at Zippy. Zippy – if you didn’t pull Bungle’s pubes out before, I strongly urge you to do so now.

But Debbie saves the day by saying “Just ignore that fat wheelbarrow of failure Zippy, no one likes him and he’ll die a virgin.” That’ll learn him.

debbie-saves-the-day

Zippy gets it together enough to be able to sing his song for Debbie, which is a lot better since Rod’s intervention. And then, in a final mindfuck, Debbie invites Zippy onto Children’s ITV with her, and Zippy goes mental at the thought of getting to be on TV. This is despite the fact that he’s on TV five days a week.

To reinforce this point, we get to see a bit of Zippy presenting Children’s ITV with Debbie, where he says – “Don’t forget to watch me in Rainbow!” There is an advert for Zippy’s show behind Debbie. I don’t know what to believe any more.

end

Also, I never did send that letter to Fred Savage. I mean, I could do now, but it would be a bit weird and I don’t really want to.

Rainbow episode review: Apocalypse Now

In this episode, Geoffrey has finally lost his shit, and now he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies.

How do I know this? He’s letting Bungle do DIY.

1

Today’s pop quiz –

Will Bungle:

A) Create a black hole which swallows up the house

B) Accidentally piss off the Chinese

C) Travel back in time and stop himself being born

If you’re playing along at home, the answer will be revealed at the end.

Bungle has decided to wallpaper the bedroom. Geoffrey has agreed to let him do this unsupervised. Having Zippy and George in the room laughing at him does not count as supervision.

2

For now, let’s just ignore the fact that Bungle is about eight years old, and prone to bungling. You never know, he might not immediately set fire to the walls and himself. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.

Laurence Llewelyn-Bungle gets his shit together and prepares to start. That doesn’t look like the best place to keep that bucket. I’m sure he has his reasons.

Zippy, as usual, is the voice of reason:

“The fuck are you doing Bungle? Are you trying to get us all killed? This is a bad idea and you know it.”

As if to prove Zippy’s point, Bungle attempts to measure the wall and immediately falls over.

fall-afall-bfall-c

I know how Bungle feels – I once punched myself in the face trying to open a packet of crisps.

Geoffrey comes in to help. I’m not sure how he’s helping.

helping

After 17 attempts to measure the wallpaper, during which Bungle hilariously lets his end of the paper go, the gang inexplicably haven’t killed him. Also, that bucket is still there. I know it’s going to fall over and possibly explode at some point. This is gripping.

To be fair to Bungle, it is going to be hard to paper those weird round walls.

paper-roll

Zippy manages to hold the wallpaper steady despite having half the amount of hands Bungle has. I’m not sure of the maths, but I think this doubles Bungle’s humiliation.

Bungle cuts the paper with ’round ended scissors’. The fucking state of it:

state-of-this

The cracks in Bungle’s veneer of ability really begin to show, however, when he realises that not only has he cut the wallpaper too short, but that it’s also the wrong wallpaper.

The wrong fucking wallpaper.

How did he not notice this before? And what is this other paper even doing here? Bungle’s wallpaper is supposed to be white with animals on it. The only explanation for this is that Bungle went to fetch his wallpaper, saw this roll, which looks nothing like the paper he’s meant to be using, and thought ‘Yes, this is my animal print wallpaper. It looks exactly right.’

wrong-paper

Stop looking so fucking proud Bungle, you idiot.

Maybe Bungle’s blind and has just never thought to tell anyone. That would explain a lot of his bungling. It would also explain how he reads comics.

They get the right paper and try again. This time, Bungle decides not to bother measuring it, and to just make it twice the length of the wall. That will work.

too-long-main

Geoffrey goes to do some painting, leaving Bungle alone to start putting the wallpaper up. Geoffrey, how many times do you have to be told that leaving Bungle to do anything is inadvisable? If I were Geoffrey, I’m not entirely sure I’d trust Bungle to remember to breathe.

Bungle immediately forgets what he’s supposed to be doing and starts flicking wallpaper paste at Zippy.

flicking-paste

I told you this would happen Geoffrey.

In an unorthodox move, Geoffrey declares that “Bungle’s going a really good job”. We can assume from this that the last decorators they hired actually killed people.

Now it’s time to stick the first bit of wallpaper up.

“Now Bungle, it’s not as easy as it looks…”

“Shut up Geoffrey, I can do it.”

“Are you sure?…”

“Yes Geoffrey.”

i-can-do-iti-can-do-it-bi-can-do-it-c

“No Geoffrey.”

Geoffrey does a face that says ‘Why didn’t I take that job handling nuclear waste when I had the chance.’

geoffrey-face

Geoffrey starts painting the door. When he wants to switch colours, he orders Zippy to pass him a brush with paint already on it, despite being half a foot away from the brushes. The lazy sod.

Zippy bollockses up this task, I suspect on purpose.

ha-ha-main

Serves you right Geoffrey.

Cut to later, and Bungle’s nearly finished wallpapering.

not-noticed

How has he not noticed that it’s upside down? Seriously. He’s being all proud and making sex noises because he’s so good, when he is no such thing.

Even when Zippy points out that part of it is upside down, Bungle tries to insist that it isn’t. I really should make a joke about ‘alternative facts’ here.

Anyway, Bungle seems to have done an ok job if you don’t count the upside down bit. Maybe he won’t cause the apocalypse after all.

The phone rings. Geoffrey goes to answer it, only to find the door isn’t there any more.

door

Bungle, of course, has papered over the door. I presume he did this while Geoffrey was out of the room, otherwise Geoffrey would have stopped him. But Geoffrey must have been in the room because how would he have got back in? Which means that Geoffrey stood there and watched him paper over the door. The universe is broken.

Speaking of which, did anybody work out the answer to the pop quiz? That’s right – that missed phone call was the Chinese calling to ask if they wanted to do a war. Since they didn’t answer, the Chinese took it as a yes.

I’ll leave you with this screenshot, which I couldn’t fit in earlier but looks funny.

geoffrey-face-2

Rainbow episode review: A plague on both your houses

This episode is all about having a shit day. It’s a good episode, because it teaches kids that ‘your life will be nothing but problems’.

Geoffrey is minding his own business in bed.

1

This is a good start to the day. I always find being unconscious is an excellent way to avoid problems. However, can any eagle-eyed readers spot what Geoffrey’s doing wrong?

That’s right, he’s forgotten to lock Bungle out of the house.

2

Because of Geoffrey’s mistake, he’s woken up by Bungle coming in and standing over him like a hairy sex pest.

“Hi Geoffrey.”

“Bungle what the fuck are you doing?”

“I thought I’d come and see why you haven’t been in to wake us up.”

“What? Well clearly I didn’t fucking need to did I?”

Geoffrey’s slept through his alarm. IT’S NINE O CLOCK! The gang are going to be late for sitting there doing fuck all like they always do. Bungle tells Geoffrey: “We were awake and heard the alarm but did nothing about it because you hadn’t woken us up.”

3

At this point Geoffrey is debating whether to just go back to sleep for the rest of his life.

What do you think? Should Geoffrey:

A) Pretend to be in a coma for the next five years
B) Get up even though he’s clearly cursed today

Whoops, Geoffrey selects B. He gets up and immediately pulls the curtain off the window. Also the stock market collapses and the Daily Express predicts the coldest winter for 500 years, which has something to do with Diana.

face

Maybe they’ll all feel better once they go downstairs for breakfast. Geoffrey’s got as far as putting some socks on before deciding that’s all the getting dressed he can be arsed with today. I don’t think the others are in any position to judge him for not getting dressed.

odd-socks

Ok, let’s have some breakfast. Holy shit, they’ve got a box of that Teddy Bix they’re always going on about. I always thought that was a made up cereal. But if Teddy Bix is real, why are they always going to the trouble of having ‘Rainbow puffs’, or ‘Rainbow flakes’, or some other stupid lying cereal?

teddy-bix

Oh dear, the box is empty. George tells Geoffrey that he was supposed to get some more when he went shopping.

“Hang on George, you were supposed to remind me.”

“No Geoffrey, you were supposed to remind me to remind you.”

“Shut up George, I’m never buying any food ever again, how about that.”

After breakfast, Bungle is entrusted with taking all the stuff back to the kitchen. There is, predictably, a huge crash from the kitchen. I’ve put Geoffrey’s reaction in the form of a lovely photo montage:

geoff1geoff1bgeoff1cgeoff2

Now then. As with any good story, there’s a massive event that causes conflict, and the hero’s quest, or something. In this episode, the big huge event is that Auntie’s coming round for tea. The way they’re all going on about it, I think Auntie has promised to break their legs next time she comes round.

Bungle decides to paint a picture for Auntie. Presumably his plan is ‘Auntie will see this picture and realise how shit we are at everything, then she’ll feel sorry for us and not break our legs’.

painting

Also, Zippy’s broken his finger and has a massive bandage on it. He doesn’t explain how this happened, and it is NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

And then, as if their whole existence isn’t cursed enough already, they can’t find the story book, which means they can’t have a story. Fucking hell.

Somehow they manage not to injure themselves, get sued or die while tidying up ready for Auntie. Still no word on how Zippy broke his finger.

finger

Instead of Auntie, we get Jane wandering in uninvited.

“I’m looking for Rod and Freddy, have you seen them?”

“Try the kitchen, that’s where you three fucking live.”

Geoffrey’s face.

jane

Jane goes away, and is replaced with Freddy, looking for Rod and Jane. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that we’ll also get Rod, looking for Jane and Freddy.

Boom. I shall dine out on this victory for years to come.

rod

While all this has been going on, the gang have become increasingly worried about Auntie, who still hasn’t turned up. Since the Rod/Jane/Freddy thing only lasted 30 seconds, we can assume that Auntie is only 30 seconds late.

The phone rings. “Ooh, I wonder who that is?” says George. You know those ‘Scratch 3 symbols off then phone this 0900 number to see what you’ve won’ things? George is exactly the sort of person they’re aimed at.

Geoffrey plays the phone call like an Eldorado cliffhanger: “What’s that Auntie? It’s not my baby? Also she’s taken all the money and gone back to Leeds with Alan from the burger van? Madre de dios!”

phone-call

In reality, it’s that they’ve all got their days wrong, and that Auntie is actually coming round tomorrow. Geoffrey blames this oversight on the house being cursed.

George drops another bombshell: “Have you forgotten Geoffrey? Auntie can’t come round tomorrow – we’re going out!”

Geoffrey’s face: “Oh this is getting fucking ridiculous now. I should have chosen the fake coma.”

ridiculous

Geoffrey tries to phone Auntie back, but it’s engaged. Ok Geoffrey, even I’m starting to think you’re being a bit melodramatic.

face-2

The gang all agree that this is just a shit day all round, and that the house is cursed. Then they just kind of sit around and laugh. Zippy’s finger injury is never explained.

So what have we learned today? Sometimes it’s better to stay in bed and fake being in a coma. Don’t bother doing anything ever because it will just go wrong. Zippy’s in trouble with the Mafia. Geoffrey’s been watching too much reality TV.

Fin.