Corner Shop Crap: Power Wrongers

Here’s the latest addition to my happy family, Mr Hero Fighter:

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I’m confused. Is this guy a hero that happens to do fighting, or does he fight heroes? Are we supposed to be the bad guys here? I doubt it, for three reasons:

1) The packaging specifically orders you to “save the world”. You wouldn’t do that if you were the bad guy. I think you’re supposed to do this using your special light. Maybe you threaten the bad guys in Morse Code.

IMG_20180520_171705 Continue reading “Corner Shop Crap: Power Wrongers”

Rainbow episode review: Ground Farce

This episode is all about why you shouldn’t let Bungle, Zippy and George on your property, because they’ll just leave shit all over it with hilarious consequences.

Bungle is filling up the paddling pool, despite the hose not actually pointing anywhere near the pool, but never mind:

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I have several questions about this:

1: Bungle is bigger than the entire pool. If he attempts to get in the pool, it will immediately be swallowed up his arse crack.

That’s it really.

Let’s put that aside for now, because it’s not really the point of the episode. I wonder if they ever did an episode called ‘Don’t put things near Bungle because they’ll probably go up his bum’?

Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Ground Farce”

Corner Shop Crap: My Lovely Horse

Lads, oh my god:

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I’ve always wanted a horse, but I can’t get one because I live in a first floor flat. And now you tell me I can just make one? This is smashing news. I’ll be able to ride it round, and give it carrots, and do whatever else it is you do with horses. Polish it maybe.

My horse is going to be called Alan. Alan Horse. That’s a good name. I wish I was called Alan Horse. Continue reading “Corner Shop Crap: My Lovely Horse”

Rainbow Comic: let’s do some puzzles for 5 year olds

A frequently overlooked feature in Rainbow Comic is the ‘What’s wrong with this picture?’ puzzle. This is normally overlooked by me because I’m busy using Paint to make Geoffrey call Bungle a bastard. And also that ‘What’s wrong with this picture?’, in the context of Rainbow Comic, is quite an overwhelming question.

Anyway – today I got bored with constantly winning at puzzles designed for pre-school age readers, and decided to share them with you. Because, let’s face it, if my blog is going to get a steady stream of 8 readers, then I’m going to write stuff with niche appeal. So here are two standout examples I found while scanning in a bunch of issues. I’ll post the puzzle, and then the puzzle with answers, so you can all play along at home.

One house rule I will insist on if you’re doing these puzzles along with me: I’ve left the upside down answers bit visible on the page, and I trust you not to look at it until you have all the answers. You’ll only be letting yourself down if you do that.

Our first puzzle is called ‘Dining Out’, and features the gang having a slap up meal at a fancy bollocks restaurant. I think they’re celebrating the upcoming reboot of Peer Gynt starring Jason Statham.

EPSON MFP image Continue reading “Rainbow Comic: let’s do some puzzles for 5 year olds”

Corner shop crap: Alan Shakespeare

My local shop is one of those independent curiosities, packed from floor to ceiling with off-brand jars of sauce, dusty bottles of beer, and a terrifying ’10p basket’ on the floor, featuring a selection of expired Birds trifle kits.

Halfway between the warm bottles of pop and the till is a rack full of knock-off toys. This toy display has been a source of fascination to me since I moved here, but I’ve never bought any toys from the display, because I’ve always been too busy buying wine and laughing at ‘Big Wazzers Dinnerladies’ on the top shelf.

Until today! Today I couldn’t hold out any longer, and I spent actual money on some objets d’art. I won’t tell you how much money, because it’s embarrassing. Let’s just say that the total, including some other bits, was £8.02. And also I’ve just remembered that you can see the prices on the packaging. I’m a twat.

Anyway, let’s examine one of these fineries in more detail…

IMG_20180520_171629 Continue reading “Corner shop crap: Alan Shakespeare”

Rainbow episode review: Dances With Bungles

Hello. This episode is all about whose turn it is to have a go on Dawn.

I will say, in my defence, that Alex suggested this review be called ‘Breaking Dawn’. I said no, as that was a bad thing to suggest. Shame on you Alex.

To be fair, the reason he suggested that is because he saw this screenshot:

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It probably won’t surprise you to learn that they don’t really want to do three way bumming with her, since this is an episode of Rainbow. What they do want to do is dance with her. Well, Geoffrey does. Bungle wants to do anything he can get away with, but only if Dawn will agree to wear a Jane mask, and will pretend to be Jane, while also calling Bungle Jane, because that’s how my headcanon works. Did I mention I’m having some weird side effects off these new pills?

Geoffrey and Bungle both try to have the first go on Dawn. Dawn thinks for a minute:

“Now then, who do I want to dance with? The man wearing clothes or the man in the bear suit who keeps calling me Jane and himself Jane while rubbing his area?” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Dances With Bungles”

The ABC Of Being A Girl – Apples and Hitler

The other week I bought the 1980 Daily Mirror Book For Girls, because I am cool and great.

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Although I’m not as cool and great as the girl on the cover, who is doing the universal hand gesture for “look at how cool and great I am. This guy, right here”.

A traditional feature of hastily cobbled together cash-in books is the ‘A-Z’ section, and the Daily Mirror Book For Girls is no different. The first item in this book is ‘THE ABC OF BEING A GIRL” – a comprehensive guide to having a fanny in 26 easy steps, providing those steps mostly involve apples, and that whoever wrote this is quite bad at spelling.

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Before we dive in, I should point out that I keep nearly shortening ‘Daily Mirror Book For Girls’ to ‘DMBFG’, but my brain keeps wanting to write ‘DUMFUK’, because I am 12. Sod it, that’s what we’re going to call it from now on. Continue reading “The ABC Of Being A Girl – Apples and Hitler”