Diary of an 80s teenager part 12: chicken and jeans

Diary of an 80s teenager part 12: chicken and jeans

Welcome back people. Last week’s entry saw our heroine getting to grips with salad and exercising. Have her efforts paid off? Let’s find out…

EPSON MFP image

26/07/82

“Woke up 10.30. Went to Bangor, had dinner. Went on holiday, was a long journey. When we reached (The Lake District), went down to the lake, and went on cruise along it. Was very tired.”

lake-district-uk

27/07/82

“Woke up 8.30. Had a lovely breakfast, orange juice, bacon & egg, and toast & coffee. Went to Dove Cottage where Wordsworth lived, and went around Grassmere. Went back to Bowness.”

28/07/82

“Woke up 8.20. Had a lovely breakfast again. Went over Kirkstone pass, had dinner there. Went to Ullswater, I sat in car. Had ice cream. Went to get chicken, went round shops in Bowness.”

Chicken?

chicken

29/07/82

“Woke up 8.30. Had lovely breakfast again. Went to Ambleside. (PLEASE STOP GOING TO PLACES YOU CAN’T SPELL AND I HAVE TO GOOGLE THEM) Had dinner there, then went to Grassmere, and then went round Bowness. Had toasted sandwich for supper.”

30/07/82

“Woke up 8.30. Had lovely last breakfast. Went round Bowness, went riding, had Pablo. Went home, went to get Winkle from Auntie Enid’s. Watched Cagney & Lacey.”

31/07/82

“Woke up 11.50. Went to Bangor. Went to Deiniolen.”

Sigh. Even the chicken was nail-biting compared to your usual routine.

01/08/82

“Went to church. Went to Auntie Joan’s on bike.”

EPSON MFP image

02/08/82

“Woke up 10.20. Had dinner, did my embroidery. Watched telly. Had salad for tea. After, watched C. Street. Went to Nain’s to stay, saw Gail & Paul & Dafydd. Stayed the night.”

03/08/82

“Woke up 7.30. Had no breakfast. Started stripping Nain’s walls. Played with Dewi Puss. (Insert your own jokes here, I’m not your mother.) Had tea in Auntie Eleri’s, salad again. Went to bed 8.30, was very tired.”

04/08/82

“Woke up 8.30, had no breakfast. Went to Caernarvon, bought many things. Saw nasty girls. (?) Played with Dewi. Went to see Pedro. (Wait, wasn’t Pedro your horse in the Lake District? What’s going on?) Saw telly till 10, the went to bed.”

I don’t know if ‘nasty girls’ is any sort of movie, or if she literally means some bitches she knows. I’m not going to Google that one anyway.

05/08/82

“Woke up 10.30. Played with Dewi. After dinner Mam came, went to Auntie Enid’s. Came home, watched Fame & Top Of The Pops, went to bed.”

06/08/82

“Woke up 11.30. Had dinner, went to village, did some knitting. Watched Film Fun. Recorded all Maggie’s singles. Watched Magnum, Third Time Lucky, and On The Line.”

Me right now:

bored

07/08/82

“Woke up 10.30. Went to Bangor. Watched telly.”

08/08/82

“Went to church. Went to bowling green. Went to stay in Nain’s.”

EPSON MFP image

09/08/82

“Alan stayed.”

10/08/82

“Elfryn and Russell came.”

No idea why she’s suddenly decided to scrawl this in giant writing. She’s even stopped painstakingly noting her waking-up times. Something is afoot…

On the 11th and 12th, our heroine failed to even exist.

13/08/82

“Managed to get old blue jeans on. Saw Bonnie and Manon.”

Something about the way she says “managed to”:

jeans

14/08/82

“Went to Beaumaris. Saw U. Downstairs. (S)”

15/08/82

“Church.”

That’s your lot for now. Could it be that our heroine has suddenly decided to get herself a whirlwind social life, and no longer has time to record more than a cursory scrawl for posterity? Or is she just getting a bit bored of writing down the fact that she woke up at 8.37?

I’ve just realised as well – the really strange thing about this part is the lack of Tony and Paul Bateman. Has she renounced their affections on account of the fact that they’re divs and not interested in her? It’s a mystery.

Anyway, join me next time for the penultimate part, where S goes on a spending spree, and buys a perm kit.

Stuff from the 1994 Argos catalogue

Stuff from the 1994 Argos catalogue

The other week I spent actual money on old Argos catalogues from Ebay. I do not regret this. I also don’t regret doing a really bad fart that time, pouring the leftover vodka into that day old glass of wine to make a ‘cocktail’, and eating that Hula Hoop I found under the settee.

Now then…

1. Brooches

p 72 brooches

Brooches don’t seem to be a thing any more, unless you also like £10 cups of ‘coffee style chicory drink’ and ‘street typing’. But back in the day, brooches were a serious way to show off the fact that you had a lapel, jumper or any other item of clothing.

This display features a wanking teddy, and a clown crippled with arthritis.

2. Our Price offer

p 85 offer

Buy a Sekonda watch, and get a £5 Our Price voucher. This was not to be sniffed at: in 1994 you could buy up to one single by UB40 featuring Pato Banton.

Then simply spend another tenner and be entered into a super fun prize draw to nearly win a holiday to the USA!

3. Watches

p 90 watches

I would kill for that Troll watch now. Do you hear me? Kill. Other watches include a My Little Pony watch with free comb (not sure if human sized comb or comb for the miniature My Little Pony, since it has hair. I wouldn’t put it past them), and a Forever Friends watch, worn by all the popular girls at my junior school who didn’t like things like hair dye and listening to Pulp.

4. Wall clocks

clocks

I can’t see that bear as anything other than “Help, I’ve got balloons sticking out of my arse!”. Meanwhile, we have some classic 90s ware, such as “L’enfant”, other assorted Athena crap, and ‘Gladiators with their bums out’.

5. A guide to typewriters and word processors

p 124 guide to word processors

Advertising features like:

Justification: You now have to justify why you’ve written “People who can’t use cashpoints must be killed”.

Autospell: For example, if you write “I would like to do sex with Patsy Kensit”, Autospell will handily change it to “I would like to think of anything else you negator”.

6. Horrible suite

p 178 suite

I’m pretty sure we had this when I was a kid. We definitely had one with tassels, because they were an awesome forest/row of guards substitute when you were playing He-Man.

7. Duvet covers

p 235 duvet covers

Gladiators duvet cover (for more Gladiators crap see here), some stupid Mickey Mouse thing which no one ever wants, and Noah’s Ark, which is great for when you’re in bed playing ‘save all the animals from the flood that just happens to be all around your bed’. I must stress that I haven’t played this since I was about 7. Nowadays we just play ‘duvet tug o war’ and ‘how long can you read TV Tropes without dying’ in bed.

8. Weird toilet mat things

p 254 toilet mats

The thinking behind these: these lovely mats will catch all my stray piss, and then I can just piss like a modern man.

The reality: They get kicked a lot by people going to the loo. As a result they end up crumpled in a corner somewhere, and of no use to anyone. Piss goes on the avacado carpet.

9. Gifts

p 355 stress stuff

Including that pink stress buster that everyone’s had a go on at some point, and if you haven’t you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Also a Pepsi can that is more fiendish than it looks. Since the picture looks like it’s about 5 pieces, it fucking better be.

10. Women’s shit

p 370 womens shit

That sink tidy has me on edge. All it’s going to take is someone slightly nudging it, and the whole thing comes crashing down. Also, only women love ice packs, and stupid scented butterflies that mean there’s less room for their flowery skirts, which is what all women wear.

11. Net

p 413 golf goal wrong sport dickhead

Wrong sport, dickhead.

12. A guide to camcorders

p 452 guide to camcorders

“Lux Illumination”, “Intelligent Auto Iris”, and “Flying Erase Head”.

Come on, keep up, everyone knows what ‘Lux Illumination’ is.

Meanwhile:

flying eraser

Join me in part 2 for hot chefs, swearing Teddy Ruxpin, and dolls with adult hair.

Rainbow episode review: An idiot abroad

Warning: this episode contains Dawn and her Bossa Nova button.

This episode is called Going Places, and it’s about having to go to Australia to get away from Bungle’s stupid face for a bit.

We begin with Bungle, George and Zippy wibbling around, having panic attacks and general menopause:

wibbling

“Where is he? It’s ever so late! He said he’s be home by teatime, and that was ages ago!”

It’s fucking twenty past fucking five.

clock

“Calm your tits,” says Dawn. “After all, he is coming back from Australia or somewhere.”

Turns out Geoffrey’s been on holiday without them again. He does this sometimes. Once he went on a narrowboat holiday, and left Bungle in charge. Amazingly, an international crisis hadn’t been declared by the end of the week. And there was the time he went to the fair without them. There was no reason given for this, so we can assume it was for one of the following reasons:

1: They don’t allow nudity at the fair
2: Bungle’s still banned from the Ghost Train after “the incident”
3: Geoffrey just wanted an hour away from having to look at them

Anyway, at least this time he’s got a babysitter in, even if it is Dawn and her Casio keyboard.

Dawn explains that, since Geoffrey is coming back by plane, it was irresponsible and wrong of him to say he’d be back at exactly 3.18pm, and if he wasn’t back by that time to assume he’d died.

dawn explains

“Ooh, aeroplanes!” yells Bungle. “I wish I was an aeroplane!” Then he runs round pretending to be what I assume is an aeroplane (a hairyplane?) and runs straight into the table like a div.

123

“And don’t forget,” says Dawn, “after he gets off the plane he has to catch a train, then a bus.”

And there was me thinking he’d just jump off the plane as it flew over their house.

Where is Bungle’s other eye?

wheres his other eye

Bungle suggests singing a song to pass the time until Geoffrey gets home. “That’s funny,” says Dawn. “I just happened to have my keyboard set up in the corner of the room, like I always fucking do. Don’t worry, I’ve got it set to Bossa Nova.”

keyboard

They sing some nursery rhymes or something, and then Geoffrey’s back! Turns out he hasn’t been to Australia at all, he’s been on a business trip in the 1930s.

business trip

Geoffrey goes upstairs to unpack. Everyone immediately follows him and starts going through his dirty underpants. Geoffrey wishes he’d stayed in Australia.

unpacking

After tea, Bungle, Zippy and George want to play ‘travelling’.

“Come on Geoffrey, you’ve been back from your round the world trip for 27 minutes now, that’s plenty of time to get over your jet lag. Build us a coach out of the half a dozen giant boxes we just happen to have lying around.”

coach

Dawn comes back in. “If you’re going on holiday, you’re going to need someone with a Bossa Nova Button.”

“Fuck off Dawn, there’s no room for you. You can run behind the coach and push us if we get stuck at Knutsford services.”

“Don’t be like that,” says Dawn. “You might need someone you can sell for a camel.”

“Fine, you can come with us, but one sniff of Casio keyboard and we’re turfing you out.”

coach 2

“How long’s it going to take us to get to the seaside Geoffrey?”

“In this coach? About an hour and a half Zippy.”

Are they seriously just going to sit in those boxes for an hour and a half?

“Can’t you drive any faster?” asks Bungle, in a rare moment of sanity.

“No, it wouldn’t be safe.”

I’m pretty sure that Geoffrey could make his pretend box coach go at a million miles an hour, and they wouldn’t crash. He’s just being awkward.

“If you want to go faster, we’ll have to turn the coach into a train,” says Geoffrey. “But I’m just going to audition for Dexy’s Midnight Runners first.”

train

Then that bit stops, because it’s been over an hour since Dawn got her Bossa Nova button out, and she’s fucked if she’s going to put up with that.

Hang on, I’ve just noticed the table’s back. Where the hell did they put it while they were doing their pretend coach thing?

keyboard 2

They sing a song about… wait for it… travelling. There’s probably a “choo choo” or something in there, I don’t know, I wasn’t listening properly.

And here we leave the Rainbow gang for another day. To finish, a screenshot of Geoffrey realising he could have stayed in Australia but didn’t. And now he has to be back in the UK where people don’t know how to use cashpoints.

smile

Diary of an 80s teenager part 11: The biggest loser

Diary of an 80s teenager part 11: The biggest loser

In last week’s instalment, A MAN DIED AT SCHOOL, but S was more concerned with going to Bangor and buying shoes. This part carries on with the ‘Let’s only concentrate on the quite dull stuff that happened’ theme, and our heroine gets a suntan, but only on her hands…

EPSON MFP image

12/07/82

“Woke 12.40 (ridiculous). After dinner, went to Menai Bridge, got my Guy comic. Came back, watched film, ‘Rose Of Washington Square’. Started knitting waistcoat. Watched Coronation Street & Minder.”

13/07/82

“Woke 10.40 (better). Had salad for dinner again. Went to library. Watched telly. After tea, salad again, went on bike with Maggs and Daren. Watched Simon & Simon, and Dallas Or Bust (F).”

14/07/82

“Woke up 10.40. Had dinner, salad again. Went to Bangor, got Madness single, Kim, and bag. (I have no idea what Kim is.) Maggie left me in Bangor. Knitted waistcoat. Auntie Ann and Uncle Tom came. Watched C. Street, Falcon Crest, and Butterflies.”

This is what a salad looked like in 1982:

80s salad

15/07/82

“Woke up 12.10. Had salad for dinner. Did some needlework catching up, went to Sharon’s, saw her kitten. Washed hair, went to Milburns disco, saw Brock. (!) Bethan went out with a bloke on C.B.”

C.B.? Please mean one of these, because they’re mega:

cb_radio

16/07/82

“Woke up 10.00. Went to Kwiks. Had pork pie and banana yoghurt for dinner. (Infinitely better than salad.) Went to Nain’s, used Quick Tan on my hands. Watched funny film. Tan turned out lovely. Went out on bike, watched Fall Guy in Maggie’s. Went 35 times round green. Watched Cagney & Lacey.”

“Tan turned out lovely.”

tan

17/07/82

“Woke up 11.40. Went to Bangor. Got top. Went to DEINIOLEN.”

Please stop going to that place I can’t spell! And why are you now shouting it?

18/07/82

“Went to church, had Sunday dinner. Went to Maggie’s garden to sunbathe. TRAIN STRIKE OVER.”

EPSON MFP image

19/07/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to Rhyl on train. Went rollerskating. Went on beach to sunbathe, then went round shops. Got 5.50 train home, changed in junction. Watched C. Street. Started doing exercises. Watched Minder.”

20/07/82

“Woke up 10.40, went out on bike. Recorded One Step for Daren. Did exercises all afternoon. After tea went to Mandy’s to get her needlework books. Then went to Maggie’s. She put make up on me. Saw Tony in Beaumaris.”

TONY! Can’t remember if we’re supposed to like you or not by this point, but oh well.

21/07/82

“Woke up 11.30. Had tomatoes for dinner. (What, just tomatoes?) Did exercises all afternoon. Had chop & spaghetti for tea. Did exercises again. Mam didn’t feel well. Watched C. Street & Butterflies.”

How does someone even do exercises “all afternoon”?

2015-06-19 11.56.51

22/07/82

“Woke up 9.30. Mam surprised me by saying we’d go to Llandudno. Had a lovely day, got shoes & wool. Mam felt better. Went to Milburns. Lent Maggie’s clothes. Had bath.”

23/07/82

“Woke up 9.30, went to vet with Blackie, saw gorgeous vet. Went to Kwiks, and Nain’s, was on Lon Mor all afternoon. Went on bike 50 times round green, watched Magnum, and On The Line.”

24/07/82

“Woke up 10.50. Went to Llandudno with T.C.”

T.C.?

25/07/82

“Went to church. Packed to go on holiday. Had a bath.”

Join me next time for a special holiday edition, followed by a marked drop in the quality of our heroine’s output.

Diary of an 80s teenager part 10: Bloody hell

Diary of an 80s teenager part 10: Bloody hell

Welcome back to S’s diary. In part 9 we saw our heroine REALLY not liking Sarah or Brooke Shields. This part is even more worrying than that. Seriously, I sat here for 10 minutes muttering “bloody hell” to myself.

Let’s crack on…

EPSON MFP image

14/06/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Had double Welsh. Saw Tony Parry in Maths, I like him. (My money’s on this being a different Tony, she wouldn’t suddenly decide to start using his surname unless she was mental.) Had G. Science. Saw exam timetable. Had letter on Alton Towers. Revised English. Saw C. Street, & Live & Let Die, and Steptoe & Son.”

15/06/82

“Revised.”

16/06/82

“Revised.”

17/06/82

“Revised.”

18/06/82

“Revised.”

19/06/82

“Went to Bangor. Got rollerskates. Went to Deiniolen.”

20/06/82

“Went to church. Revised. Went to Llanfechell.”

EPSON MFP image

21/06/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school, had lots of free lessons, to revise. Went to Sarah’s party, gave her £1. Lent Bat Out Of Hell L.P., it’s good. Watched play, ‘On Approval’, it was ace!”

22/06/82

“Woke up 8.45, was not late for school, did not have Sociology marks. Had film in Commerce, NatWest man came. Put in places for exams.”

23/06/82

“Exams”

“Woke up 8.35, had English exam, for three hours, then had Maths after dinner, it wasn’t too bad. After tea revised Biol., and watched Coronation Street, and Butterflies, and Chicago Story.”

24/06/82

“Woke up 8.50, was nearly late. Had Biol. exam, I don’t think I’ve done well. After dinner had Welsh exam. Watched Top Of The Pops, and Fame.”

25/06/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Had no exam in morning, had to go in 1.00 for English exam. It was quite easy. Made cakes when I came home. Watched Selwyn Froggitt, and Please Sir. Mam not feeling well.”

26/06/82

“Got rollerskates for present”

“Went to Rhyl. Went rollerskating. Saw Elfryn in my party.”

Birthday?!!?? Happy birthday S!!!!!!

birthday

27/06/82

“Went to church. Elfryn, Julie and Russell came. Only stayed for 3 minutes.”

I’m not surprised, since you were clearly standing there with a stopwatch.

EPSON MFP image

28/06/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Had General Science and C. Studies exams, they were very hard. (I’m not surprised – General Science is spent staring at Tony, and you don’t seem to have ever been near a computer in Computer Studies.) Afternoon revised. Came home, had tea. Revised some more. Watched C. Street.”

29/06/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school. Had Maths and Welsh Language exam. Revised in afternoon. Came home, had piece of birthday cake.”

30/06/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Had commerce exam, the very last one. After dinner went to S & A (I think), got bag and tee shirt. After tea, paradise, no revising. Watched C. Street, Benny Hill, Butterflies and Chicago Story.”

01/07/82

“Woke up 8.35. Had double G. Science. Didn’t get mark. Had free lessons all day. Had 48% in Sociology. Watched Fame and Top Of The Pops & Max Boyce.”

02/07/82

“Woke up 8.35. Went to school. Had double Gym. Had Tennis. Had nice dinner. Had Biol. mark. Went to Menai Bridge to get comics & sweets. Went to Nain’s, Alan came eventually. (?) Maggie phoned.”

03/07/82

“Went to Southport. Went to fair & round shops.”

04/07/82

“Woke up 10.45. Went to see Alan. Came home, watched telly.”

EPSON MFP image

05/07/82

“Woke up 8.30. Andrea brought her clothes here. Sarah came here dinner time, to get record. (Can’t believe you’ve forgiven that whore of babylon.) Andrea came here after school, to stay. Had trifle for tea. Played tapes & Cluedo in bed. Want Mam very much.”

Where is Mam?

06/07/82

“Alton Towers”

“Woke up 6.45. Took ages in bus to get to Alton Towers. We got here 12.00. Andrea, Sarah and Donna went on Corkscrew, went on Pirate Ship, went to aquarium, went in penny arcade, got brilliant disco & buffet on way back.”

corkfp10

07/07/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Had free lessons all day. Went to Needlework. Made friends with Maggie. Made better friends with Gwyn. Took in trousers. Went to Maggie’s till 8.30. Watched Chicago Story.”

08/07/82

“Woke up 8.35. Had free lessons all day. Very hot weather, man collapsed and died in school. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Went to Bangor, bought shoes and bolero. Washed hair, went to school disco, danced with Justin and Phil Bach.”

“Man collapsed and died in school. Went to Bangor.”

WAIT, YOU DON’T JUST GO FROM THAT TO THAT, YOU MASSIVE PSYCHOPATH

1444401542-still-drunk

09/07/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had tennis. Had free lessons again all day. Had lesson with Gorgeous Gwyn. (I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, A MAN DIED YESTERDAY!) Had report. School closed. Mam not pleased with report. Started to catch up with Needlework. (S)”

10/07/82

“Woke up 10.30. Went to Bangor. Auntie Enid here.”

11/07/82

“Went to church. Watched telly. Had bath. Went out, met Mandy.”

I’m quite relieved to be stopping here. Bloody hell. Anyway, join me in part 11 for salad and obsessive exercising.

Bloody hell.

The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

Gladiators is one of my favourite shows, but it’s never really occurred to me to have a look at the various cash-in tat on offer. This is because I’ve been too busy Ebaying Kwik Save carrier bags with the handles missing.

My god, where have I been? I should have known that a show about men in bras kicking each other in the bollocks would have spawned a wide and fascinating array of merchandise. And even better, some of it manages to not be about Jet.

Customer ready? 3… 2… 1…

3D glasses, for seeing in 3D

1995-Frosties-3D-Gladiator-glasses

Advertised on this box:

1994-Frosties-Gladiators-3D-Viewers---Shadow-front

Which could be Shadow, or it could be Barry Manilow for all it looks like Shadow.

For viewing the following picture:

1994-Frosties-Gladiators-3D-Viewers---Hang-Tough

If you don’t own the SPECIAL GLADIATORS 3D GLASSES, then save the image for when you run out of booze. It’s grrreat!

Saracen badge

i was bummed by saracen

“Saracen: the ultimate challenge”. Buy this for your woman if she survived getting bummed by Saracen.

A Shadow badge is available, but no one ever survives getting bummed by Shadow.

SHAKABOOM

shakaboom

Hunter did a single! It’s probably shit, I haven’t listened to it yet.

UPDATE: I’ve listened to it now. It’s still probably shit.

Jet poster

Cf8mv1fWwAAzZgW

Can you smell the jizz in this room.

Gladiators comic

glad1 001

Drawn by a madman, and written by someone who wants all the Gladiators to have tits and die. Jet can literally fly. Flame is literally on fire. I can’t imagine she’s happy about that. Also, why are things always ‘100% official’? Why are they never ‘80% official’?

Glad2 001

There seems to have been a change of artist between issues 1 and 2: we go from ‘realistic-but-on-fire’ to ‘Robert Crumb after 6 bottles of Calpol’.

Jet bubble bath

jet bubble bath

Supposed to be generic Gladiators bubble bath, but come on, let’s be realistic here. There’s a picture of Jet on it, so teenage boys will buy it. Anything that will encourage teenage boys to have a bath is good I guess.

‘Paint your own’ figures

jet paint your own figures

Jet looks like she’s been on the hobnobs. Wolf is trying to do a really difficult poo. They’re all getting bummed by their own ghosts.

Lady Gladiator figure

jet figure

Sold on Ebay with the implication that, for 20p, the lady Gladiator will assume this pose for you.

Gladiators mega fun board game

1ab1dc9ffe44f539100b27f640071d8e

All the fun of Gladiators with none of the fun of Gladiators.

See also: Play-along-at-home Game Book

game book

and the Gladiators card matching game

pik n mix game

Gladiators lorry

truck

For ferrying illegal Gladiators, like Nitro, into the country. Bit of a giveaway having ‘Gladiators’ written on the side though. Should say ‘boring tools and pipes’.

 

Gladiators Fact File

fact file

Featuring the following facts:

– Jet is the best one

– Shadow and Warrior got done for stuff

– Flame and Hawk exist

– Jet can fit a whole Budweiser bottle in her mouth

– Jet “really loves having sex with sweaty virgins”

Action cards

1995-Frosties-Gladiators-Action-Cards--made

Another outstanding Frosties prize. Why is Scorpio clinging on to a snake?

‘I Don’t Know’ by Diane Youdale

diane-youdale-i-dont-know-square

I haven’t listened to this, so I’ve guessed at the lyrics:

“I don’t know the square root of Pi,

I don’t know the life cycle of a fly,

But I do know…

JET IS THE BEST

JET JET JET JET

JET JET JET JET

SEE MY MIGHTY TITS

JET IS THE BEST

JET JET JET JET

JET JET JET JET”

Diary of an 80s teenager part 9: I’LL KILL HER

Diary of an 80s teenager part 9: I’LL KILL HER

Welcome back to S’s diary. Last week’s gripping instalment saw our heroine continuing to be a bit stalky over Paul Bateman, and going to Rhyl. Let’s crack on with a bit of a bumper entry, and read all about the demon Welsh teacher, and S’s Pope obsession.

EPSON MFP image

17/05/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school, had double Welsh. I cannot stand that new Welsh teacher. Had General Science, Sam Fleet was pestering me. Watched C. Street, revised, watched Hill Street Blues.”

18/05/82

“Woke up 8.35. Had double free lesson in Sociology, went to hall. Andrea bought Mars bar for David. Had double Commerce.

FORGOT.”

I hate it when you FORGET. (????)

19/05/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school, had double C. Studies. Had double Welsh ugh! Had double Biol., gave homework in. Watched Coronation Street.”

20/05/82

“Woke up 8.30. Had double General Science, Tony not there, thank goodness. Went to Bangor in Sociology. Andrea came to my house, went to Milburn disco, it was brill, Brock was there.”

21/05/82

“Woke up 8.25. Had double rounders. Sarah told me she fancied Paul. I’ll kill her. Had summary in English, it was hard. Paul not in school. Watched Fall Guy, Bounder and play.”

“Sarah told me she fancied Paul. I’ll kill her.”

fatal-attraction

22/05/82

“Went on Oxfam walk, saw Paul, went to Deiniolen.”

23/05/82

“No church, stayed in bed till 1.15. Revised, went to bath.”

EPSON MFP image

24/05/82

“Woke up 8.35. Took camera, Paul not in school. Sarah not in school, great! Samantha had her hair cut!! Barbara had perm. Tony not in school. Went round with sponsors. Watched Hill Street.”

To be fair to our heroine, Sarah does sound like a devious cow. Don’t forget it was Sarah who asked Paul Bateman out on behalf of S, knowing he would probably say no, at which point she would swoop in with her claws and her stupid mullet (probably). The moral of the story: never trust anyone.

25/05/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had Sociology, then had rounders in Gym. I made ½ a rounder. Did some homework, watched Flesh & Blood, and Play For Tomorrow.”

26/05/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had double C. Studies. Had double Welsh with horrible Mrs Jones. Had homework back in Biol., had a real kicking. Watched Coronation in Maggie’s, went to Rhian’s house.”

Mrs Jones:

mrs jones

27/05/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had G. Science test, I hope I did well. After tea went to Milburn disco, Brock was there. Boys kept making fun of me.”

28/05/82

“Woke up 8.30. Had rounders for Gym. Had C. Studies in computer room. Brock in our registration class. Had underground railway in English folio, it was hard. Watched play on BBC2, and McClain’s Law.”

29/05/82

“Went to Bangor. Bought singles. Went to Deiniolen.”

30/05/82

“Went to church. Revised. Winkle collapsed with heat.”

Oh no! Poor Winkle who I assume is a dog.

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31/05/82

“Woke up 10.35, watched Taming Of The Shrew. Went on walk with Auntie Ann and Uncle Tom, met nice people. Had ice cream, and Beat patch. Had chips in Auntie Ann’s. Watches News. Pope on it.”

the beat patch

01/06/82

“Woke up 11.00. Had dinner, went to Deiniolen, went on trip to little place, with nice church, and lots of horses. Had nice picnic. Went home straight, watched French film, Dad made chips.”

02/06/82

“Woke up 12.10. Watched Pope. (What is this new obsession with the Pope?) Had chicken & chips for dinner. Revised. Went to Penmon. Lost ring. Auntie Vera came. Went back for ring. Watched Coronation. Went to talk to Mags, watched Butterflies and Frost In May.”

03/06/82

“Woke up 9.45. Went to Kwiks. Went to Nain’s, I am staying the night. After tea went to get w. skis, went on Play Cards R. computer. Went to Auntie Jean’s. Played game with Auntie Eleri. Nain got new car.”

Play_Your_Cards_Right_000

04/06/82

“Woke up 8.50. Studied and played with kittens. Watched Charlie’s Angels. Studied and played with kittens all afternoon. Watched telly. Mam came after Crossroads. Cut jeans. Watched 4 Musketeers and McClain’s Law.”

05/06/82

“Went to Rhyl. Got shorts. Bought LP single. Watched P. Of The Apes.”

06/06/82

“Went to church. Revised. Nain came. Watched ‘the Guru’.

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07/06/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school, had double Welsh. Saw Tony in Maths. D.P. sort of asked me out, but nothing happened. Started revising Sociology. Watched C. Street & revised some more.”

DP! Who is DP? I’m going to go for a young Ralph Macchio, but instead imagine he’s called Dave.

dp 2

08/06/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Had double Sociology, revised a bit in class. Elaine been in London. Had Commerce with Andy (Andrea?), asked if she wanted to stay in my house. Watched French film, The Evil Trap.”

09/06/82

“Woke up 8.35. Had double C. Studies, I’m dreading the exam, I know I’m going to do badly. Revised some more Sociology, watched C. Street, Benny Hill, and last part of Frost In May.”

10/06/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school, had double G. Science. Had Commerce with Andrea. Went to Milburns, saw Brock. Boy asked Mags, saw Donna’s boyfriend, had bath.”

11/06/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school, had double rounders. Ann got row. Had double C. Studies, I’ve got to change to Needlework. (!) After dinner had Biology. Revised English till 8.50, helped Mam tape records, phoned Auntie Gaenor.”

Computer Studies to Needlework?

12/06/82

“Went to village. Went on A.E. Boat. Went to Beaumaris.”

13/06/82

“No church. Went on bike to Auntie Joan’s. Left ring.”

Beginning to think you’re trying to lose that ring on purpose.

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There’s an address I’ve had to cover, so I’ve covered it with a postcard of Rhyl. The rest of the page is filled with a weight chart, where we discover our heroine is on a diet, possibly in order to attract Brock, who is ace. S, seriously: Kit-kats are better than Brock. Trust me.

We can only speculate on what Brooke Shields’ crime was. Maybe she asked Paul Bateman out.

Join me in part 10 for exam stress and a trip to Alton Towers…