Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?

Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?

Every once in a while, I come across an episode that makes me go “For fuck’s sake Bungle!” within the first five seconds. That’s how I know it’s a good episode.

This episode made me go “For fuck’s sake everyone” x 1000 within the first five seconds, and that is why I am now reviewing it for you.

Observe.

The gang are trying, and failing, to get the apples that have been glued to their cardboard tree. This tree is never seen in any other episodes; maybe they chopped it down in a fit of impotent rage. It was the tree’s own fault, flaunting its apples like that.

This episode is supposed to be called ‘Problem Solving Together’, but I think it’s actually called ‘Creating even more problems together because you’re all divs and knobheads’.

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Geoffrey: “It’s no good, I can’t reach them!”

What, are those apples fucking nailed to that tree?

Me: “Geoffrey, stop lying. I know it’s funny to upset Bungle, but you’re literally bending your limbs so you can’t reach them on purpose, you psychopath.”

Zippy suggests throwing a mild twig at the tree. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?”

My 90s pencil tin: a tribute

My 90s pencil tin: a tribute

Do you want to hear a heartwarming and inspiring story? Last year, I managed to buy my childhood pencil tin off Ebay. My pride and joy at junior school was an oversized Jelly Babies pencil tin, and I’d spent years and years searching for another one. Finally, my search was at an end, and I paid seven whole quid for a Jelly Babies tin. Hurrah! I was so happy.

But then… it got LOST IN THE POST.

My reaction:

spongebob sad

Imagine, if you will, sad music playing while I wander along a street in the rain, pausing only to look in brightly lit windows and watch happy crowds of people, all with pencil tins. It was a tough time.

Gradually I recovered, and even started to forget about my tin. It seemed I’d never own it, and was destined to wander the earth tinless.

But then…

IMG_20190102_174241690

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT! Continue reading “My 90s pencil tin: a tribute”

My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. Did you like that thing I did the other year, when I wrapped up my boyfriend’s glasses and gave them to him for Christmas? He didn’t think it was funny but it was.

This year, I would like the following things please. I know you won’t read this letter properly, because you never do, what with being rushed off your feet, and cuts and whatever. That’s why I’ll end up getting slippers and a set of notelets. Never mind, it’s the thought that counts.

But just in case it makes your job easier, here’s a list of things I always wanted but never managed to get. Some were no doubt too expensive, some were too old/too young (delete as applicable), and some were just “We’re not getting her that Phil, she’ll play with it once then break it.”

Anyway, get me this stuff please. I’ll give you the money at some point.

1. Helix cash box

cash box

For keeping all my money safe. All the 35p that I have, and probably a paperclip I found on the floor and decided could be used as currency in a game of She-Ra. The point is, my sisters won’t be able to get in this box and see my secret note that says I love Daniel and not Ben. And the one that says my sisters are bastards.

What I will get instead: An ornament for my mantelpiece. (I don’t have a mantelpiece.) Continue reading “My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)”

Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza

Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza

Welcome back to my museum of shit mugs. As I write this, I have an unopened present from one of my family members under my Christmas tree. It is definitely mug shaped.

It is either:

  • A Daniel O’Donnell mug
  • Unicorn nonsense that has a pack of sweets in it
  • A hilarious mug with a picture of a cock on it that someone’s bought me from a charity shop

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, please enjoy this cavalcade of penguins, royal weddings, and steam trains.

Andy and Fergie’s wedding (from Catt Weazle)

catt weazle andy fergie Continue reading “Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza”

Technology for idiots and the under fives

Technology for idiots and the under fives

The other day I tried to get the Windows connected to the thing and the iPad, but I couldn’t. This is because I am a raging div. Therefore, I have decided to shun all technology because I can’t do it and I’m frightened of it.

I’ve decided to adopt a simpler way of life, where I don’t need to bother trying to figure any of this shit out. I shall go back to the ways of my forefathers, and use stuff where you only have to turn a knob. This will in no way affect my quality of life. And if it does, my Plan B is to run away and live off the land, probably round the back of a Moto Services.

Computer

The problem: I can’t get anything to connect to the bus hole, and Windows keeps interrupting my shit with updates, and I keep accidentally setting random pictures off Google as my desktop background. At the moment it’s a picture of a stock exchange.

tomy-tutor-play-computer

The solution: Tomy Tutor Play Computer. This bad boy can perform all the tasks I need it to do, such as making words appear on the screen. There’s also a picture of a horse for if things get stressful. And the picture tells you it’s a horse, in case you forgot. Continue reading “Technology for idiots and the under fives”

Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads

Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads

It’s December! Again. This seems to happen every year.

You know what else happens once a year? Bungle wears clothes. Some years it’s pyjamas, other years it’s an entire hat. This year, he’s decided to wear a dress and some tinsel. This is because he wants to show off his holy and glorious bum.

I wrote about this episode about six years ago, but I feel that I’ve grown as a person since those days, and I wanted to have another crack at it, now that I can appreciate all the subtleties the episode has to offer.

Lol I said ‘crack’.

Let’s begin. Geoffrey is showing off his banging Nativity scene.

guess what

“Lads, guess what?” he says. “I’ve decided we’re all going to become vegans, so no Christmas presents for you this year!”

reaction

The others believe him, the idiots. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: God got me pregnant lads”

Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories

Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories

Editor’s note – this isn’t by me, this is by my New Zealand buddy Distorted Kiwi. He wants that name because he wants to be a supervillain at some point in the future. Check him out on Twitter, he’s rather hilarious.

Hey, internet. I’m The Distorted Kiwi. I’m not English, unlike every other atom that makes up this website.

But a while back, Jenny made the mistake of asking people on Twitter to send her goofy stuff to make her day better.

So I started sending her the stupidest things I could find, and haven’t stopped since.

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(Things like this. David Cronenberg apparently started moonlighting at “Toys-‘R’-ARRRGH”)

I’m expecting the restraining order any day now, once the Royal Mail figures out where New Zealand is. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews: Alan and other stories”