Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels

Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels

Look what Alex bought me from the charity shop:

books

I’ll be honest – initially, Alex was more excited than I was. I was mostly just confused and I needed a piss.

First thought: Why has he bought me a novelisation of Barb Wire?

Second thought: There’s a novelisation of Barb Wire?

Third thought: I still need a piss.

Eagle eyed readers will spot that he also bought RoboCop, Knight Rider, and the best Batman film. I’ll get to those. Continue reading “Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels”

Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates

Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates

If humanity can learn one thing from history, it’s that people used to be really shit at drawing. This is especially true when it comes to royal commemorative plates.

Do you remember when BBC News interviewed that random taxi driver instead of the proper guest? I suspect something similar kept happening during the reign of William and Mary, when it was time to design royal plates.

“You there! Tally ho, you’re late! You better start cracking on with your design.”

“Cor blimey guv, I’m just the local dead body removal man.”

“None of your lip what ho, here’s a felt tip, now get to work!”

wm4 Continue reading “Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates”

Rainbow episode review: The Real Hustle

Rainbow episode review: The Real Hustle

In this episode, Zippy comes up with a genius plan to swindle everyone out of money. Or food. Or to sell them a time share. I’m not sure. Something dastardly anyway.

Let’s begin.

George has decided to start collecting leaves, like the hoarding mental patient he is.

1

He has three so far. That is not a collection George, that is you deciding to start carrying three leaves around with you for no real reason. And where are you getting leaves from? All your trees are cardboard and the apples on them have to be attached with nails.

Zippy turns up and pretends to be interested in George’s mental breakdown. Look at his interested face.

2

Remember earlier when I said that Zippy has a genius plan to con everyone? You might want to keep that in the back of your mind. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: The Real Hustle”

The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour

The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour

Hello, how are you? I am fine. Do you like to to spend your weekends blocking out your pain by drinking stuff? Me too! This hobby is called “getting hammered off your tits”, and has recently been given a classy makeover by the inclusion of “cocktails”. Cocktails are when someone puts a bunch of random drinks together, and includes shit that should never see the inside of a glass. Then they add a sprig of mint, and call it “The Jim Bowen” or whatever.

I call this one

I’ve decided that too many cocktails include olives or lemon or some other nonsense, so I’m going to share my own cocktail recipes with you. I’m not sure what they are yet, because to be honest I’m thinking them up as I go, but I’m sure they’ll be brilliant. Continue reading “The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour”

Let’s laugh at shit furniture

Let’s laugh at shit furniture

Hello. You know what would make us millennials feel smug? Laughing at the furniture our parents decided was acceptable. They only decided on this furniture because they were off their tits on Babycham, Mirage, or stale tea out of a flask at Ingoldmells. And all this while they were telling you it was wrong to run round yelling with your finger up your nose.

Exhibit A

c

This is not what you do when you need to furnish your house. You do not go to the airport and nick some seats from the Business Class waiting room. Continue reading “Let’s laugh at shit furniture”