Crap Comedy Chapter 50: Minecraft

Crap Comedy Chapter 50: Minecraft

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

The train carriage smells of wee. For some reason I keep thinking going to the buffet car would help with this problem. It might help for all I know, but I’m never going to test that theory since it involves moving. Better to just learn to live with the wee smell.

Joanne and Fax were still in bed when I left this morning. This was good because I didn’t have the embarrassment of them coming to see me off like they’d threatened to last night when they were smashed (Fax said something about a hankie). On the other hand, I did have to hold in my puke and judgement long enough to go into their bedroom while they were in it.

I inched my head around their door, nose first; to my relief they weren’t engaged in copious amounts of farmyard grunting and I Gave My Love A shitting Cherry, they were just asleep. Joanne was snoring.

‘Guys, I’m off now.’

No reply.

‘Guys?’

No reply. At least one of them farts.

‘WAKE FUCKING UP’

Joanne wakes up. ‘What?’

‘I’m going now.’

‘Going where?’

‘…Alton Towers.’

‘…’

I’m going to the train station aren’t I?’

‘Oh right yeah.’ Joanne thinks for a minute. ‘Will you get me a sugar free Red Bull while you’re out?’

‘Yeah.’ I don’t bother explaining to her why this is not going to happen. I’m too hungover and late for my train to start going over the finer points of energy drink logistics.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 50: Minecraft”

Crap Comedy Chapter 49: Cocktail Hour

Crap Comedy Chapter 49: Cocktail Hour

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

We gave up on Snap not long after that. I suspect they knew I was going to forbid any showing of Joanne’s tits or Fax’s willy. In they end they settled on a 0-0 draw, but they’re still sitting there muttering about how ‘tantric wind energy can totally be a Snap when it’s paired with a lunar goddess card’.

Right. Reasons this has been a shit week:

  1. Everyone in Scotland is a vegan.
  2. I don’t understand these people and their jokes.
  3. I’ve seen too many naked people. The ideal total would have been 0, unless Andrew Lincoln was involved.
  4. I never did get near anything resembling meeting Andrew Lincoln, let alone having Fax do his weird sex maths at him.
  5. I have bagpipes disease.
  6. I possibly have less money now than if I’d stayed at home and waited in for Andi Peters to arrest me.

On the plus side, I did get to upset that barman by talking about Brian Clough.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 49: Cocktail Hour”

Crap Comedy Chapter 48: Snap

Crap Comedy Chapter 48: Snap

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

After all that fannying about, we end up back at the flat with a load of wine and crisps. We could have just done that anyway. I know it was me who wanted to go out, but I’m still annoyed at those two for existing, and smelling of vegetables.

Fax has produced a pack of cards from… somewhere. If he tries to do card tricks at me I am not going to be responsible for laughing in his face until one or both of us die.

Still, I’d rather be sat on a settee with a load of booze and food than out in the cold night, being forced to listen to a load of students being shit at Welsh accents.

Joanne arranges the bags of crisps in a circle on the kitchen table. She never explains the purpose of this. When I go to grab a bag of Skips from the circle, she slaps my hand away. I’m too tired and too pissed to argue, so I go for the Monster Munch. She slaps my hand away.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 48: Snap”

Crap Comedy Chapter 47: EastEnders

Crap Comedy Chapter 47: EastEnders

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Some song starts playing. I think it’s the Kaiser Chiefs. Something about rioting, or getting arrested, or condoms. Not sure. I wish Fax had got me something stronger than Stella. I mean, it’s not like I demanded another pitcher of “Assblaster”, but it would have been nice.

A group of skinny kids run onto the stage. I immediately hate them because they’re waving and acting like they’re at Butlin’s. Then I remember that I chose this show, so I make my mind up to act like I’m really enjoying myself, just to spite Joanne and Fax.

The main one bounds over to the microphone and yells at us.

‘WE ARE THE DE MONTFORD UNIVERSITY IMPROV ALL-STARS!’

That name rings a bell. Did they try and shove a flyer in my face?

They carry on flailing about while I go to the bar for a Stella, a Campari, and hopefully an arsenic and lemon. I only chose this show because I vaguely remember watching Whose Line Is It Anyway when I was younger, and that was always funny. Whose Line Is It Anyway didn’t feature screeching students in matching t-shirts.

When I get back to our table, Joanne is squinting at the stage. I assume she’s trying to read the writing on their t-shirts. I’m not much better, but I’m almost certain it says ‘De Montford University Improv All-Stars’. In comic sans.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 47: EastEnders”

Crap Comedy Chapter 46: Alps

Crap Comedy Chapter 46: Alps

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

If I’m absolutely honest, I’m starting to doubt that finishing a pitcher of “Assblaster” before 6pm was a good idea. I’ve already fallen over once. The three of us are staggering up the street like we’ve lost our carer. Joanne’s got the improv leaflet in her hand, and she claims she’s taking us the right way, but she hasn’t once looked at the leaflet to see what the address is. There’s no point questioning her about this, because she’ll just claim she can “sense” when we’re there. In the meantime they’re walking ahead of me, having a bizarre mumbled conversation about rugby union. If either of those two know the first thing about rugby union I’ll shit in my hat. And I don’t even have a hat.

I must have misheard them; they can’t possibly be having a conversation about rugby union. Not those two. And why are they walking on ahead and leaving me out?

I plod a bit faster to catch up with them. ‘What are you two talking about?’

‘Using reiki as a healing tool for the genitals.’

‘Oh.’ You know what, I’m fine walking on my own.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 46: Alps”

Crap Comedy Chapter 45: Lance-Corporal Jason Donovan

Crap Comedy Chapter 45: Lance-Corporal Jason Donovan

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Fax is back to his usual prancing self when we meet up again. He seems to have forgotten that a few hours ago he was standing on a stage crying over a balloon. No sign of the velvet suit, but Fax does seem to have an infinite supply of shirts he imagines make him look like a Catherine Cookson hero, so he’s OK. We make our way to the nearest pub to inspect some more leaflets, and decide what this evening’s quality entertainment will be. I feel like I should choose because I’m going home tomorrow. When I put this to Joanne and Fax they agree without argument, surprising me for the second time this afternoon.

We sit there sorting through the assorted miniature billboards of shite. Subconsciously, I’m looking for one that will lead me to the annoying guy on the poster, who I’ve come to think of as my arch-nemesis. I’m still mad that I never got to write “I AM A HUGE TWAT” on his forehead. If I’m really lucky I can find out where he is this evening, then sneak up on him and write it on his real forehead, in permanent marker. That’ll learn him.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 45: Lance-Corporal Jason Donovan”

Crap Comedy Chapter 44: Lobster

Crap Comedy Chapter 44: Lobster

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

I’m not sure how to feel about this turn of events. On one hand, it’s obviously hilarious. On the other hand, I’m not sure Fax understands what the show involves. And on the other hand (that I keep for best), I’m a bit worried about what Joanne will do to Dave Nonsense if anything happens to Fax. Like if he starts crying because he gets a question wrong. Thank fuck he isn’t wearing his purple suit today. Apparently he’s not allowed to clog up the pub with his shite on weekends, therefore no show today, so he’s opted for his usual outfit of linen and big sleeves.

I spin round and glare at Joanne. She shrugs, as in ‘well I tried to tell you’. She did nothing of the sort. Joanne takes one of my flumps, and settles back in her seat.

Meanwhile, Fax is attempting to explain his stand-up show to a bemused Dave Nonsense. Dave is nodding along and looking round frantically. Joanne is now standing up in her seat and cheering for Fax. She is the only one.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 44: Lobster”

Crap Comedy Chapter 43: Nonsense

Crap Comedy Chapter 43: Nonsense

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

‘Come on fucking hurry up, we’ll be late!’

For once this is shouting this at Fax and Joanne, not the other way round. I am skipping down the road. I’m so excited to be seeing Dave Nonsense in the flesh. I’m 10 years old again, eating Honey Nut Loops in front of the TV. I can spend the rest of the day riding my bike and going to buy stickers with my friends, and I don’t have to get ready for school until tomorrow evening, after Bullseye.

Joanne and Fax are mooching along behind me, whingeing. Joanne has my sunglasses on. I don’t give a fuck – they made me go to circus skills with a hangover, so it serves them right.

‘I’ve got no fucking sympathy for you,’ I yell at Joanne. ‘You never even gave me a pen last night like we said! That man’s still out there without “TWAT” written on his forehead.’

She shuffles her (my) sunglasses. ‘I was busy.’

‘Yeah, I heard you being busy with rowan trees and giving your love a cherry. I don’t give a fuck, come on!’

I skip ahead. For once I’m full of beans. Nonsense! Wheel of Seafood! Silly Sausages! I can’t wait.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 43: Nonsense”

Crap Comedy Chapters 41 & 42: Stepping Out, Nuclear Warheads

Crap Comedy Chapters 41 & 42: Stepping Out, Nuclear Warheads

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Joanne and Fax are prancing along next to me looking smug; Joanne is clutching a fistful of fivers. In what could only be a miracle caused by Fax holding his stupid obsidian, they’ve made a slight profit on today’s show. This is because everyone had a good time watching that naked man dancing on that roof, and they decided it would be rude not to thank Fax for this. Not that I can blame them, it’s the most fun I’ve had since I got here.

‘I told you Fax would be a success!’ crows Joanne. I don’t say anything, who am I to piss on their bonfire?

We’re wandering along up some street, with no real plan for the evening. Joanne and Fax are in a good mood because a naked guy inexplicably got them some money, I’m in a good mood because I had Quality Street for lunch and the sugar hasn’t worn off yet, and to top it all of it’s not raining. The world is our deep-fried oyster.

The area’s relatively quiet, but we still manage to be accosted by a billion people offering us ‘free five-star comedy’. I see the bald climate change Yul Brinner girl approaching; she doesn’t recognise me, but I recognise her.

‘DO NOT EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT.’

Then she does recognise me, and slopes off.

Joanne looks round after her. ‘What’s the matter? Do you not like that show?’

‘No, I’ve seen it. It’s about weather.’

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapters 41 & 42: Stepping Out, Nuclear Warheads”

Crap Comedy Chapter 40: Wunderbar, Part 2

Crap Comedy Chapter 40: Wunderbar, Part 2

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

I wonder which poor fucker is going to feel Joanne’s wrath today. I’m hoping Alan isn’t stupid enough to come back, I don’t care how much he needs a poo.

I’m still suffering from temporary diabetes thanks to Che Guevara’s Lying Quality Street Buffet, but I reckon I’ll be OK to get myself another pail of chips. Joanne orders me to buy her another pint of Stella. After yesterday’s performance, I’m starting to see why she wants it. It’s like super fighting bitch fuel.

I can’t help being in a good mood, despite everything, because tomorrow I’m going to see Dave Nonsense, in the flesh, and possibly have him fire a Super Soaker at me. I really hope he’s not senile, and in a wheelchair, that would lessen the effect of him gunging people. With any luck he’s just bald and trying to pay child support to his ex-wife, who I’ve just made up in my head, but is called Michelle and has a pool.

‘Mel will you come and hold Fax’s obsidian?’

Well, that sounds like the last thing I want to do.

‘Mel! We need you to hold Fax’s obsidian so he can cleanse the room!’

Yes. Why else would they need me to do that? It all makes sense now.

I stomp off to the other room. ‘Right, what is it I’m holding and why?’

Joanne has her hands on her hips. ‘Where’s my pint of Stella?’

‘It’s in the pump you fucking idiot, because I haven’t ordered it yet because you shouted at me to come and hold Fax’s agoraphobia pebbles.’

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 40: Wunderbar, Part 2”