I once wrote about games like these for another site. In the comments, someone pointed out that I “probably couldn’t do any better.” At the time I cheerfully agreed with him, but now I’m not so sure. I could possibly make something approaching a game like these using duct tape and my own sense of confusion about the EU.
Picture the scene. You have a bit of work to do, but your arse is itchy and you can’t be bothered. Only nonsensical clickbait games can save you now!
I can’t have any real cake at the moment, but I can make a hideous fictional cake. My cake is definitely going to be better than that one, which looks like someone’s done a sick on it. If that’s the gold standard, I’m going to win the shit out of this game.
And I did. I got 56 points for my masterpiece. This is especially good considering I nearly lost because I couldn’t cut the butter fast enough. I have that problem when I’m doing real baking – I usually just eat the butter before I have a chance to put it in the cake mix.
They’re right – everyone loves to improve their apparent look. I will come make up her.
I decided to improve her appearance by giving her two extra pairs of eyes, including a pair on her tits. Although this might be awkward when she has to say to a guy “Hey, my eyes are up here!” I’ve also given her two extra mouths so she can sass the men who stare at her tit eyes.
Lady Gaga Frozen Princess Makeover
Here you get to give famous odd singer Lady Gaga a makeover to look like Elsa from Frozen (I assume). Either that or you get to actually freeze her face using chemicals and ice pops.
Holy shit it’s Ed Milliband –
Not even 30 seconds in and this game has gone from pop stars and Disney princesses to putting a face pack on a Labour MP. They should have marketed it as this; I know which one I’d have chosen.
Sadly, I didn’t get to see how beautiful Ed would have turned out, because the game got stuck at this point. Maybe the ‘frozen’ part was referring to the game.
Since this is apparently 1989, I’m off to the ‘disco’ to bag myself a rad and gorge hunk.
Here I am at the disco. I’m not sure what I have to do, but I think it involves clicking on an unsuspecting victim. All the women at this disco look really pissed off. Maybe there aren’t enough hunks to go round, or maybe someone did a shit in the corner of the dance floor, or maybe they’re out of Babycham.
I clicked on a hunk. ‘Flirting’ appears to be another word for ‘kneel on the floor while your friend electrocutes your date with her laser eyes’.
I have no idea how I did.
Kristen Stewart Dress-Up
There were loads of these games, but I chose Kristen Stewart because she was the only one I’d heard of. The aim of the game is to put clothes on K-Stew, because she’s forgotten to dress herself, and has come out for a hard day’s standing around in the woods wearing only her pants and bra.
I’m not going to help her too much. She has to learn to do things for herself. However, I did put a hat on her. That way, if any vampires or werewolves come along, they might mistake her for Wayne out of Wayne’s World, who has chosen to stand around in a bikini. I’m not sure how this will help her to not get killed.
Apparently I won. That’s nice. Hell, I can’t even dress myself most days.
Barbie Boyfriend Thief
I played this for a lot longer than I intended to, because I got roped into the story (which they fit in around the 768 loading screens) and I had to see how it ended.
You play as Barbie, who is now a home wrecking megabitch, for reasons known only to the developers. You have to ‘steal’ a Disney Princess’ boyfriend by stealing her phone then putting a wig on.
Thanks to me not really paying attention, I chose to steal Prince Charming (I don’t know his real name. Clive?) from Cinderella. Somehow this is achieved by wearing a Little Mermaid wig, and then turning up at Starbucks in your bra and pants. I think the idea is that Clive is such an idiot he thinks you’re his girlfriend, prompting me to wonder if he’s ever actually met his girlfriend before. Anyway, this happened:
I laughed quite a lot. That must mean I am evil.
This is a game where you put denim jackets on people. I don’t know why I’ve caught that woman mid-sneeze.
Anyway, I did. I put a denim jacket on her. Then I won.
This game is exactly the right amount of challenging.
This game looks disgusting, but I clicked on it anyway because I like Christmas things. The makers of this game have clearly done their market research, except I think they accidentally interviewed serial killers instead of 8 year old girls.
Everyone’s favourite pastime – performing root canal on Santa while festive music plays in the background. Sadly I didn’t play this game to the end. I didn’t even play it to the beginning because I hate being at the dentist. Seriously, I don’t understand people who choose to be dentists. Even Christmas dentists.
Baby Ocean Accident
Finally, the obligatory ‘foot surgery’ game. Eagle-eyed readers will spot that I thought I was going to be playing ‘Foot Dislocations’, so I was a bit disappointed to find it’s only a clumsy baby. Where are its parents?
Anyway, clumsy baby is clumsy, and has stepped on a shell. Apparently the shell was made of barbed wire and landmines:
Not only do you have to inject anaesthetic in her foot, you also have to rub ice on it, because the injection was crap and useless.
To cut a long story short – I am now qualified to perform foot surgery. I’ll do it for cheap if anyone’s interested. If you have a foot that needs doing, give me a bell and I’ll see if I can fit you in. You have to bring your own ice though. And your own foot.