You could have a hell of a lot of fun for a pound when I was a kid. You could buy enough Freddos to induce a mild coma. You could take advantage of the 5 year old me renting out my ‘husband’, Phillip Hodgekiss, for the whole of lunchtime. Or you could have 5-10 goes on a ticket-shitting arcade machine.

These machines were the backbone of my holidays in Ingoldmells, Scarborough or similar. I would pester my parents for up to 24 hours a day, and eventually manage to get enough loose change to be able to wander round, honing my skills at ball throwing, thing hitting and general gambling. This tour of the machines would last about three minutes, because I would inevitably lose at everything due to being a stupid uncoordinated kid.

On the occasions I did win at these games (about once a year), I’d be rewarded with tickets. These would then be exchanged for things like one fake rubber finger, and a pencil sharpener with ‘Five Star’ written on it. What more could you want?

Cosmo Gang

Shoot the shit out of aliens before they manage to advance forward and steal your energy packs. Which might actually be their energy packs, I can’t remember. We might be the bad guys in all this. Excellent music and sound effects as each alien got shot in the face. Those poor aliens. I hope I was proud of myself. I probably was. Footage of the ongoing human/alien conflict:

Beat The Clock

Not a tribute to Television X’s Ten Minute Freeview. Beat The Clock was actually a ball rolling game similar to Kentucky Derby (I’m getting to that). My memory’s all gone to bollocks, but I’m assuming you had to fill up some kind of score meter before the clock ran out. Then you’d beaten the clock. See? If you didn’t manage it, the clock probably punched you in the face.

Two things I do remember about Beat The Clock:

1) It played Mussorgsky’s Promenade on a loop.
2) Those moulded plastic seats really hurt your arse.

Feed Big Bertha

There’s no other way to say this – this game is about a fat woman who likes to eat balls. Because she’s fat, she does nothing but stand there waiting for you to put her dinner in her mouth. I do that too.

As Bertha eats balls she gets fatter and fatter until… the game just sort of stops. But if you’ve done well, a load of tickets come out of what I assume is her vaginal area.

Sweet Licks

I think Americans call this ‘Whack-a-mole’ or something. But they’re always wrong about everything. In our version, brightly coloured things (lollipops?) come out of random holes just to sass you. You must then show them who’s boss by beating them to death with a hammer.

Kentucky Derby/Arabian Derby

Known in our family as ‘Donkey Rolling’. Similar to beat The Clock (which I didn’t explain above so the comparison is a bit pointless at this stage). Basically: roll balls, get them in holes, and this makes your horse/camel move forward using technology and magic. Excellent theme tune.

What makes this game special is the bloodthirsty competitive element. This isn’t just you playing for tickets – this is you playing against a dozen other people, all of whom might be up to 100% better at rolling than you. Therefore it’s completely acceptable and within the spirit of the game to elbow your neighbours, and occasionally to bite your neighbours. Sadly, there’s nothing you can do about the people who aren’t sitting right next to you, apart from hope they suddenly die.

Mini Wheel

The object of this game is to sit there going round and round and round and round and round, until your 20ps run out. By the time this happens, there will be a long queue of crying children and angry parents. Ignore them, apart from to ask them if they will give you money for another go. Chances are they’ll say no. No tickets to be won as only a moderate level of skill is involved.

Read more about my exploits on the Mini Wheel and other rides here.

Horse racing thing

This had various names, but was generally called something like ‘The Derby’ or ‘Grand National’. It was probably never called ‘Horse racing thing’. You didn’t win tickets, but you did win cold hard cash – sometimes you could win 4p, which was not to be sniffed at.

Gameplay was simple – put your money in, pick a horse, then watch the ultra-realistic race play out before your eyes. Different horses had different odds, so some paid out more than others. Having said that, you were never going to be able to retire on the winnings from this game.

Footage here, but sadly it’s missing the announcer ordering you to “Place your bets now” while sounding a bit like Stephen Hawking:

For more on wasting your money at the seaside, here is a selection of the shit you can win on a 2p machine.

One time, I tried to hit my boyfriend with a pan. This only happened in my imagination, but it was a close thing. The reason for this imaginary rage fart was that my boyfriend had won three games of Guess Who in a row.

I realise this might say more about me than it does about the inherent unfairness of a children’s board game. But that didn’t stop me accusing him of shenanigans and bollocks, then retreating to a corner of the room to cry and eat Kitkats.

I’m not sure board games are aimed at me.

Let’s think about board games for a minute. Someone sat down and said “Hey I know, let’s invent a pastime that makes families kill each other!” Someone else maybe offered him a Wagon Wheel and said “Great idea Jim!”

Fuck Jim. I hate Jim for the misery he’s brought to my life. Just because he had some misshapen bits of plastic lying around, he had to invent a way to make people use them. He should have stuck them up his arse.

I must make one thing clear at this point – I would love board games if I were any good at them. But I’m not. Instead I am a massive loser, lying on the floor covered in game cards and my own piss, sobbing uncontrollably.

Let’s have a look at some of those pinnacles of fun and japes, and how to do them properly.

Monopoly

The reason you’ve ever heard of “The Angel, Islington”. Don’t pretend you have otherwise.

Object of the game: Make everyone else poor. Then laugh at them as they eat their dead.

Strategy: I like to collect all the ones in the game. That fucks people off when they need a one and they have seventeen billion pound notes. Also, buy places you went to once in real life, or just like the sound of – it really pisses people off when they’re waiting for ‘Pall Mall’.

Result: Satisfying rage. Especially if you hide the ones in your special lady place, then claim you don’t know what money is.

Guess Who

Or, to give it its proper name – Guess Whom. This game was invented after the police failed to pick some guy out of a line-up. Also – all people in the world have the same five faces, just with glasses on and shit.

Object of the game: Guess whom.

Strategy: Legal defence. Refuse to guess whom until the prosecutor (your opponent) gives you a concrete case for the alleged crime. Refuse to go any further until you’ve had a chance to speak to all suspects individually. The prosecutor cannot allow this because all the suspects are joined together on a crappy plastic board thing. Also, it’s usually fucking Bernard.

Result: Divorce. Or you get really good at being a duty solicitor.

Scrabble

Ah, Scrabble. The old bcukcyercsvshyudvy of board games.

Object of the game: Be better at words than the other player, and be cleverer and just better than them in general.

Strategy: Make swears. Any swears will do. For example, if you can’t quite make “fucking twat face”, then “sexhen” is a good alternative. It’s a hen that does sex. Also hide the dictionary.

Result: You look wise.

Twister

This is a board game if you accept that the board is on the floor, and also that you’re not as young as you used to be.

Object of the game: Have seventeen limbs.

Strategy: Here’s where that sledgehammer I told you to get earlier will come in handy. Failing that, assuming you’re not just really bendy, do the following:

• Kick your opponent in the fanny. If they don’t have a fanny, nip out and buy one for them. Make sure the kicking is an “accident”.
• Lie down flat over all the circles. I’m not sure if you technically win the game, but you definitely do.
• Smell of onions or dogshit. Suggest everyone “gives each other a rub down” after the game. No one will want to go near you and you’ll win by default.

Result: Winner! You don’t need friends, friends are shit.

Operation

The game of kidneys! Try not to kill a man, or you’ll go “Oh shit!”

Object of the game: Somehow remove all a guy’s organs, because that won’t kill him or anything.

Strategy: Get turned on by the guy and his bits. Lick each organ as you take it out.

Result: Not yet tested, but something along the lines of people turning up at your house one day and offering to do your cleaning for you and give you lifts.