Let’s play some Hannah Montana games

I think Hannah Montana’s that one off the TV. I don’t know because I’m 32.

However, being 32 doesn’t stop me playing internet games aimed at 5 year old girls.

For some reason I keep finding Hannah Montana themed games, and I think they were made by someone who doesn’t like Hannah Montana very much. Join me as we get Hannah Montana pissed and take out her teeth…

Hannah Montana Real Haircuts

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This game looks promising because I think you get to poke her in the face with scissors. I set it to German by mistake. I don’t know what ‘spielen’ in, maybe it’s ‘spleen’. Maybe you get to poke her in the spleen with scissors.

This is the first bit. I haven’t even done anything yet. She must have gone on the bus like that.

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But it’s a good game because you get to actually style her hair, rather than just choosing from some ready made styles.

I went a bit wrong, so I decided to start again and do Troll hair instead.

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I think this is German for “Why have you given me such shit hair. What did I ever do to you.”

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She looks like she wants to punch me but can’t quite manage it because she’s a drawing.

Hannah Montana At The Dentist

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You’ve decided to become a dentist, and your only patient is Hannah Montana who hasn’t brushed her teeth her entire life. You must dick about with sharp objects and then somehow you win the game.

I accidentally removed all her teeth, except that one which I couldn’t pull out for some reason. Also I think I’ve killed her.

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Never mind, let’s have another go. This time I had a proper go at fixing up her teeth, because at the end I got to stick stickers on them. Apart from the ones I pulled out again because I used the wrong thing by mistake.

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I think I won anyway. I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.

Hannah Montana Love Mix

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Or to give it its proper name – ‘Hannah Montana Gets Off Her Tits On Cocktails’.

You play as a creepy, large headed Hannah Montana, who pours herself whiskey using her elastic arms:

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Then she’s hammered. End of game.

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I wish I was hammered.

Hannah Montana Wireless Quest

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In which you have to “hurry the fuck up and find Miley’s diary you stupid bitch”. She can’t find her own diary because she’s still pissed from the cocktails.

I don’t know who those other people are. Maybe they’re ghosts.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

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Before I could figure it out I got an ‘incoming call’ from someone or other. I think it was important, but then it was just a black screen until I got bored and quit the call:

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After that I still couldn’t figure out what to do, so I just made her walk into the wall until the timer ran out.

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The end.

A tribute to Master System box art

A tribute to Master System box art

I don’t play modern videogames. I’m no good at them because you have to have seven thumbs to be able to work them properly.

That’s not to say I’m particularly good at old games either. I can just about get the man to move around, but that’s it. Most of the time I’m better off just staring at the box and imagining what the game would be like were I any good at it.

These are my favourite box arts that I like to look at.

Impossible Mission

Impossible Mission

In the top right we have our hero doing the classic ‘Nerrr, you’re a div and a wanker’ action, which is entirely what you’d associate with an action platformer. Presumably he’s calling that bald man a div. Or he’s calling his three other selves divs. None of the four are really doing anything that helpful.

Vigilante

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Look how happy they are to be beating the shit out of each other.

My Hero

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‘My hero’ is not someone who stands there and repeatedly gets punched in the face. Again, why is he so happy to be getting punched in the face? I bet he’s friends with the Vigilante guys, and they all go to each other’s houses and have a fight, then watch Countdown.

Pro Wrestling

Pro Wrestling

Right. What? Hang on, what? Is he wrestling himself? And pulling his own head off? And then doing that knuckle thing on his own head that indicates mild japes and bullying? That’s the sort of thing your big brother would do to you, apart from pulling your head off. I’m so confused.

And that concludes my reasoned analysis of this cover.

Zillion

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Sometimes I like to look at the box and imagine what the game is like even though I’ve never played it. I think this is a game about the world’s best microwave, and you have to cook things in it (possibly a zillion things), and then defend it from people who are trying to steal it.

You should never put your shoes in the microwave. Trust me.

Phantasy Star

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I have no problem with the giant flying eyeball. I have no problem with the cat/rabbit thing with tusks. I don’t even have a problem with the main lady having square tits. What I do have a problem with is that muscly man in a bikini on the right. The one that’s possibly a really really angry lady. Personally I think it’s a man who’s angry because he has to wear that bikini. I bet he was supposed to wear something really manly and cool, but he forgot to bring it, so he had to wear something from the Lost Property box. So it was either wear the bikini or wear someone’s old Wham t-shirt that has a stain on it and smells of wee.

Wonder Boy in Monster Land

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There seems to be a recurring theme of cheerful violence here. Look how happy he is to be twatting someone in the face with a big sword. I’m not sure why his opponent has mud flying off his shoes, given there’s no mud on the ground. And no ground. Wonder Boy has hair like Carry On era Barbara Windsor.

Time Soldiers

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That dinosaur is laughing at that guy and going “You’re shooting the wrong way, pissflap, I’m over here.” Meanwhile, the guy’s friend is hissing “Jesus Frank, you promised me you knew what you were doing. I should have come here on my fucking own. You’re doing this on purpose to embarrass me aren’t you. Just because I laughed at you not being able to spell DFS. Fuck you Frank you fucking idiot.”

Space Harrier

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I understand this is quite a famous game, but I’ve never played it. I should play it, because I want to know why there’s a tiny man trying to point a screwdriver at a load of peas that have become self aware and formed a trade union.

A tribute to seaside arcade machines

You could have a hell of a lot of fun for a pound when I was a kid. You could buy enough Freddos to induce a mild coma. You could take advantage of the 5 year old me renting out my ‘husband’, Phillip Hodgekiss, for the whole of lunchtime. Or you could have 5-10 goes on a ticket-shitting arcade machine.

These machines were the backbone of my holidays in Ingoldmells, Scarborough or similar. I would pester my parents for up to 24 hours a day, and eventually manage to get enough loose change to be able to wander round, honing my skills at ball throwing, thing hitting and general gambling. This tour of the machines would last about three minutes, because I would inevitably lose at everything due to being a stupid uncoordinated kid.

On the occasions I did win at these games (about once a year), I’d be rewarded with tickets. These would then be exchanged for things like one fake rubber finger, and a pencil sharpener with ‘Five Star’ written on it. What more could you want?

Cosmo Gang

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Shoot the shit out of aliens before they manage to advance forward and steal your energy packs. Which might actually be their energy packs, I can’t remember. We might be the bad guys in all this. Excellent music and sound effects as each alien got shot in the face. Those poor aliens. I hope I was proud of myself. I probably was. Footage of the ongoing human/alien conflict:

Beat The Clock

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Not a tribute to Television X’s Ten Minute Freeview. Beat The Clock was actually a ball rolling game similar to Kentucky Derby (I’m getting to that). My memory’s all gone to bollocks, but I’m assuming you had to fill up some kind of score meter before the clock ran out. Then you’d beaten the clock. See? If you didn’t manage it, the clock probably punched you in the face.

Two things I do remember about Beat The Clock:

1) It played Mussorgsky’s Promenade on a loop.
2) Those moulded plastic seats really hurt your arse.

Feed Big Bertha

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There’s no other way to say this – this game is about a fat woman who likes to eat balls. Because she’s fat, she does nothing but stand there waiting for you to put her dinner in her mouth. I do that too.

As Bertha eats balls she gets fatter and fatter until… the game just sort of stops. But if you’ve done well, a load of tickets come out of what I assume is her vaginal area.

Sweet Licks

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I think Americans call this ‘Whack-a-mole’ or something. But they’re always wrong about everything. In our version, brightly coloured things (lollipops?) come out of random holes just to sass you. You must then show them who’s boss by beating them to death with a hammer.

Kentucky Derby/Arabian Derby

Known in our family as ‘Donkey Rolling’. Similar to beat The Clock (which I didn’t explain above so the comparison is a bit pointless at this stage). Basically: roll balls, get them in holes, and this makes your horse/camel move forward using technology and magic. Excellent theme tune.

What makes this game special is the bloodthirsty competitive element. This isn’t just you playing for tickets – this is you playing against a dozen other people, all of whom might be up to 100% better at rolling than you. Therefore it’s completely acceptable and within the spirit of the game to elbow your neighbours, and occasionally to bite your neighbours. Sadly, there’s nothing you can do about the people who aren’t sitting right next to you, apart from hope they suddenly die.

Mini Wheel

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The object of this game is to sit there going round and round and round and round and round, until your 20ps run out. By the time this happens, there will be a long queue of crying children and angry parents. Ignore them, apart from to ask them if they will give you money for another go. Chances are they’ll say no. No tickets to be won as only a moderate level of skill is involved.

Read more about my exploits on the Mini Wheel and other rides here.

Horse racing thing

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This had various names, but was generally called something like ‘The Derby’ or ‘Grand National’. It was probably never called ‘Horse racing thing’. You didn’t win tickets, but you did win cold hard cash – sometimes you could win 4p, which was not to be sniffed at.

Gameplay was simple – put your money in, pick a horse, then watch the ultra-realistic race play out before your eyes. Different horses had different odds, so some paid out more than others. Having said that, you were never going to be able to retire on the winnings from this game.

Footage here, but sadly it’s missing the announcer ordering you to “Place your bets now” while sounding a bit like Stephen Hawking:

For more on wasting your money at the seaside, here is a selection of the shit you can win on a 2p machine.

Board games and how to win at them

One time, I tried to hit my boyfriend with a pan. This only happened in my imagination, but it was a close thing. The reason for this imaginary rage fart was that my boyfriend had won three games of Guess Who in a row.

I realise this might say more about me than it does about the inherent unfairness of a children’s board game. But that didn’t stop me accusing him of shenanigans and bollocks, then retreating to a corner of the room to cry and eat Kitkats.

I’m not sure board games are aimed at me.

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Let’s think about board games for a minute. Someone sat down and said “Hey I know, let’s invent a pastime that makes families kill each other!” Someone else maybe offered him a Wagon Wheel and said “Great idea Jim!”

Fuck Jim. I hate Jim for the misery he’s brought to my life. Just because he had some misshapen bits of plastic lying around, he had to invent a way to make people use them. He should have stuck them up his arse.

I must make one thing clear at this point – I would love board games if I were any good at them. But I’m not. Instead I am a massive loser, lying on the floor covered in game cards and my own piss, sobbing uncontrollably.

Let’s have a look at some of those pinnacles of fun and japes, and how to do them properly.

Monopoly

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The reason you’ve ever heard of “The Angel, Islington”. Don’t pretend you have otherwise.

Object of the game: Make everyone else poor. Then laugh at them as they eat their dead.

Strategy: I like to collect all the ones in the game. That fucks people off when they need a one and they have seventeen billion pound notes. Also, buy places you went to once in real life, or just like the sound of – it really pisses people off when they’re waiting for ‘Pall Mall’.

Result: Satisfying rage. Especially if you hide the ones in your special lady place, then claim you don’t know what money is.

Guess Who

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Or, to give it its proper name – Guess Whom. This game was invented after the police failed to pick some guy out of a line-up. Also – all people in the world have the same five faces, just with glasses on and shit.

Object of the game: Guess whom.

Strategy: Legal defence. Refuse to guess whom until the prosecutor (your opponent) gives you a concrete case for the alleged crime. Refuse to go any further until you’ve had a chance to speak to all suspects individually. The prosecutor cannot allow this because all the suspects are joined together on a crappy plastic board thing. Also, it’s usually fucking Bernard.

Result: Divorce. Or you get really good at being a duty solicitor.

Scrabble

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Ah, Scrabble. The old bcukcyercsvshyudvy of board games.

Object of the game: Be better at words than the other player, and be cleverer and just better than them in general.

Strategy: Make swears. Any swears will do. For example, if you can’t quite make “fucking twat face”, then “sexhen” is a good alternative. It’s a hen that does sex. Also hide the dictionary.

Result: You look wise.

Twister

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This is a board game if you accept that the board is on the floor, and also that you’re not as young as you used to be.

Object of the game: Have seventeen limbs.

Strategy: Here’s where that sledgehammer I told you to get earlier will come in handy. Failing that, assuming you’re not just really bendy, do the following:

  • Kick your opponent in the fanny. If they don’t have a fanny, nip out and buy one for them. Make sure the kicking is an “accident”.
  • Lie down flat over all the circles. I’m not sure if you technically win the game, but you definitely do.
  • Smell of onions or dogshit. Suggest everyone “gives each other a rub down” after the game. No one will want to go near you and you’ll win by default.

Result: Winner! You don’t need friends, friends are shit.

Operation

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The game of kidneys! Try not to kill a man, or you’ll go “Oh shit!”

Object of the game: Somehow remove all a guy’s organs, because that won’t kill him or anything.

Strategy: Get turned on by the guy and his bits. Lick each organ as you take it out.

Result: Not yet tested, but something along the lines of people turning up at your house one day and offering to do your cleaning for you and give you lifts.

Stupid shit flash games 2: Ed Miliband and denim jackets

I once wrote about games like these for another site. In the comments, someone pointed out that I “probably couldn’t do any better.” At the time I cheerfully agreed with him, but now I’m not so sure. I could possibly make something approaching a game like these using duct tape and my own sense of confusion about the EU.

Picture the scene. You have a bit of work to do, but your arse is itchy and you can’t be bothered. Only nonsensical clickbait games can save you now!

Birthday Cake

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I can’t have any real cake at the moment, but I can make a hideous fictional cake. My cake is definitely going to be better than that one, which looks like someone’s done a sick on it. If that’s the gold standard, I’m going to win the shit out of this game.

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And I did. I got 56 points for my masterpiece. This is especially good considering I nearly lost because I couldn’t cut the butter fast enough. I have that problem when I’m doing real baking – I usually just eat the butter before I have a chance to put it in the cake mix.

“Improve Appearance”

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They’re right – everyone loves to improve their apparent look. I will come make up her.

I decided to improve her appearance by giving her two extra pairs of eyes, including a pair on her tits. Although this might be awkward when she has to say to a guy “Hey, my eyes are up here!” I’ve also given her two extra mouths so she can sass the men who stare at her tit eyes.

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Lady Gaga Frozen Princess Makeover

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Here you get to give famous odd singer Lady Gaga a makeover to look like Elsa from Frozen (I assume). Either that or you get to actually freeze her face using chemicals and ice pops.

Holy shit it’s Ed Milliband –

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Not even 30 seconds in and this game has gone from pop stars and Disney princesses to putting a face pack on a Labour MP. They should have marketed it as this; I know which one I’d have chosen.

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Sadly, I didn’t get to see how beautiful Ed would have turned out, because the game got stuck at this point. Maybe the ‘frozen’ part was referring to the game.

Disco Flirting

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Since this is apparently 1989, I’m off to the ‘disco’ to bag myself a rad and gorge hunk.

Here I am at the disco. I’m not sure what I have to do, but I think it involves clicking on an unsuspecting victim. All the women at this disco look really pissed off. Maybe there aren’t enough hunks to go round, or maybe someone did a shit in the corner of the dance floor, or maybe they’re out of Babycham.

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I clicked on a hunk. ‘Flirting’ appears to be another word for ‘kneel on the floor while your friend electrocutes your date with her laser eyes’.

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I have no idea how I did.

Kristen Stewart Dress-Up

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There were loads of these games, but I chose Kristen Stewart because she was the only one I’d heard of. The aim of the game is to put clothes on K-Stew, because she’s forgotten to dress herself, and has come out for a hard day’s standing around in the woods wearing only her pants and bra.

I’m not going to help her too much. She has to learn to do things for herself. However, I did put a hat on her. That way, if any vampires or werewolves come along, they might mistake her for Wayne out of Wayne’s World, who has chosen to stand around in a bikini. I’m not sure how this will help her to not get killed.

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Apparently I won. That’s nice. Hell, I can’t even dress myself most days.

Barbie Boyfriend Thief

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I played this for a lot longer than I intended to, because I got roped into the story (which they fit in around the 768 loading screens) and I had to see how it ended.

You play as Barbie, who is now a home wrecking megabitch, for reasons known only to the developers. You have to ‘steal’ a Disney Princess’ boyfriend by stealing her phone then putting a wig on.

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Thanks to me not really paying attention, I chose to steal Prince Charming (I don’t know his real name. Clive?) from Cinderella. Somehow this is achieved by wearing a Little Mermaid wig, and then turning up at Starbucks in your bra and pants. I think the idea is that Clive is such an idiot he thinks you’re his girlfriend, prompting me to wonder if he’s ever actually met his girlfriend before. Anyway, this happened:

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I laughed quite a lot. That must mean I am evil.

Denim Jackets

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This is a game where you put denim jackets on people. I don’t know why I’ve caught that woman mid-sneeze.

Anyway, I did. I put a denim jacket on her. Then I won.

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This game is exactly the right amount of challenging.

Christmas Dentist

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This game looks disgusting, but I clicked on it anyway because I like Christmas things. The makers of this game have clearly done their market research, except I think they accidentally interviewed serial killers instead of 8 year old girls.

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Everyone’s favourite pastime – performing root canal on Santa while festive music plays in the background. Sadly I didn’t play this game to the end. I didn’t even play it to the beginning because I hate being at the dentist. Seriously, I don’t understand people who choose to be dentists. Even Christmas dentists.

Baby Ocean Accident

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Finally, the obligatory ‘foot surgery’ game. Eagle-eyed readers will spot that I thought I was going to be playing ‘Foot Dislocations’, so I was a bit disappointed to find it’s only a clumsy baby. Where are its parents?

Anyway, clumsy baby is clumsy, and has stepped on a shell. Apparently the shell was made of barbed wire and landmines:

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Not only do you have to inject anaesthetic in her foot, you also have to rub ice on it, because the injection was crap and useless.

To cut a long story short – I am now qualified to perform foot surgery. I’ll do it for cheap if anyone’s interested. If you have a foot that needs doing, give me a bell and I’ll see if I can fit you in. You have to bring your own ice though. And your own foot.

Fun with a broken Lazy Town CD ROM

Imagine my delight when I came across this activity pack in a charity shop:

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Then imagine my delight when I forgot all about it and it ended up in a box in the spare room. Then imagine my delight when I remembered about it a year later.

If you’ve never seen it, Lazy Town is a show about eating apples. Half the people who live in Lazy Town have plastic faces, and the mayor is Keith Vaz. There is one sane resident, Robbie Rotten, whose only wish is to be able to eat cake in peace. This somehow makes him the villain.

Anyway, included in the shit activity pack was a shit CD ROM. I didn’t know it was shit until I tried it out.

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And it wasn’t even bloody free. It was included in the shit activity pack, which you had to pay money for. These people don’t understand the following things –

  1. the concept of free
  2. things that are fun
  3. not eating apples all day like a bellend

I say ‘these people’, but it’s highly unlikely that the actual Lazy Town characters made this activity pack. I don’t care, I’m still blaming Errol Flynn tribute/aerobics instructor Sportacus.

Sportacus

Look at Stephanie advertising the jigsaw section. She looks like she has a gun pointed at her.

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Incidentally, I wrote ‘jogsaw’ by mistake. I should have left that in, it was fitting.

Whatever. Let’s do these bastard jogsaws.

This one is a picture of all the kids gathered around Sportacus’ manly crotch. Stephanie still has a gun pointed at her.

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This one was difficult. I couldn’t figure out where the last piece went, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be.

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Onwards and downwards. Let’s do some click and paint. I thought Pixel was holding a chainsaw in this bit. I need to get some new glasses. Turns out he’s just got a paintbrush sticking out of his arm.

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Pixel really does have chips for hair, unlike this Harry Potter loser here.

These are the paintings I did.

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Next we have a matching pairs game, featuring Robbie Rotten, who is the only one I can tolerate for more than five seconds, so that’s good.

Unfortunately it’s broken, like the soul of the person who made this CD ROM.

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Print-out fun! Sportacus looks piii-iiised off.

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You can’t actually preview any of these print-outs, you just have to let nature take its course, and hope that the whole thing doesn’t require 9000 pages and all your printer ink. Needless to say I haven’t printed any of them out. The mister used all the printer ink trying to print photos of Wolf from Gladiators.

Never mind, let’s go to the book room. There are probably some interactive stories in here, with that page-turn animation you get sometimes. I like that.

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Oh. It’s just a list of things to spend your money on, should you not have already spent all your money on this activity pack.

Speaking of the activity pack, that’s going to have to wait for another day. It’s at least going to have to wait until I’m no longer trying to slash my wrists with the shattered pieces of this CD ROM.

Let’s play some stupid shit flash games I found

Hello. A while ago I wrote this, about various pink hallucinations I’d found online.

Writing that article forced me to investigate the world of shit flash games that exist solely to make 1p per click. I made that bit up but I bet it’s true.

I love these games. Where else do you get to perform foot surgery on Barbie, or make a baby with the face of Christopher Lee? Nowhere, that’s where. And these things are important.

That reminds me – I really need to find a Foster and Allen mug. Or some Foster and Allen cruets. Either way. I’m not fussy.

Our first fine fare is the interestingly titled ‘Inside Out Save Mermaid Princes’. First of all, I’m not entirely sure what a ‘mermaid prince’ is supposed to be. They might mean ‘princess’, or perhaps mermaids aren’t tied down by traditional gender roles.

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These are the characters from Pixar’s Inside Out, if they’d been drawn by me on Saturday night after I’d been drinking sherry. I’m not sure why they’re all floating in mid air.

After looking at this screen for about 18 minutes:

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I discovered that the game was written by Escher, and I don’t have a clue what to do. Apparently I’m supposed to control two characters. Listen game, I haven’t even got it together enough this morning to put some knickers on, so don’t expect me to do this.

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Especially don’t ask me to decipher “to mantra can make alcohol all monsters burst into flames”.

Moving on. Tattoo Artist 2! I don’t know what happened to Tattoo Artist 1.

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I chose to do a tattoo on “The Chef”. This is my design:

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Apparently you lose if you go outside the lines or if you hurt the customer too much, but you don’t lose if you just write ‘fuck off’ on his back. I could so do this for a job.

The next game is called ‘Pregnant Rapunzel Spa’.

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You have to paint Rapunzel’s face purple, and be ready to catch any babies she might shit out. I assume.

I assumed wrong. Turns out you have to paint her stomach purple. You are also encouraged to use a hairdryer on Rapunzel’s hair, while she is still in the bath. This is because Rapunzel is a lazy bitch and you win by murdering her, I think. Then you get to do her up like a clown while she stands there being pregnant.

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I thought I’d won then, but you also have to dress Rapunzel. What, she can’t do anything for herself? You just know someone somewhere has used this picture for inappropriate means.

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Fuck it, leave her to dress herself. That’ll learn her.

Next up – ‘Design A Baby’.

This is the entire game:

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God bless you Davide O, or David EO.

As you can see, the default setting is Telly Savalas with lady eyes, but there’s a wide range of faces available.

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I imagine if you actually gave birth to any of these babies, your fanny would go on fire in protest.

Now I want to check out ‘All For Girls Love Tester’.

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You can test me all you want – I’m never going to be in love with someone who wears a flat cap ironically. Unless this guy works at the dog track.

Right. Enter girl’s name. I’m a girl! I’m not going to put the mister’s name in, just in case it tells me we don’t really love each other and we have to split up. So I’m going to put in the name Martin Roberts, who is the presenter of Homes Under The Hammer. I don’t think I love Martin Roberts. I don’t even watch Homes Under The Hammer, but I’ve heard of it. Maybe me and Martin are destined to set up a house-looking-at business together.

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Me and Martin Roberts have a love score of 35. I have no idea if that’s good or bad. But we’re not done yet. We have to choose constellations, because that’s a thing.

Oh, they mean starsigns. This nonsense gives us a love score of 76, which must be better than 35. I’m pretty sure I don’t love Martin Roberts 76. This thing lies.

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OH SHIT, WE FEEL LIKE EACH OTHER! I’d better let him know.

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