Let’s play some Hannah Montana games

I think Hannah Montana’s that one off the TV. I don’t know because I’m 32.

However, being 32 doesn’t stop me playing internet games aimed at 5 year old girls.

For some reason I keep finding Hannah Montana themed games, and I think they were made by someone who doesn’t like Hannah Montana very much. Join me as we get Hannah Montana pissed and take out her teeth…

Hannah Montana Real Haircuts

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This game looks promising because I think you get to poke her in the face with scissors. I set it to German by mistake. I don’t know what ‘spielen’ in, maybe it’s ‘spleen’. Maybe you get to poke her in the spleen with scissors. Continue reading “Let’s play some Hannah Montana games”

A tribute to Master System box art

A tribute to Master System box art

I don’t play modern videogames. I’m no good at them because you have to have seven thumbs to be able to work them properly.

That’s not to say I’m particularly good at old games either. I can just about get the man to move around, but that’s it. Most of the time I’m better off just staring at the box and imagining what the game would be like were I any good at it.

These are my favourite box arts that I like to look at.

Impossible Mission

Impossible Mission

In the top right we have our hero doing the classic ‘Nerrr, you’re a div and a wanker’ action, which is entirely what you’d associate with an action platformer. Presumably he’s calling that bald man a div. Or he’s calling his three other selves divs. None of the four are really doing anything that helpful. Continue reading “A tribute to Master System box art”

A tribute to seaside arcade machines

You could have a hell of a lot of fun for a pound when I was a kid. You could buy enough Freddos to induce a mild coma. You could take advantage of the 5 year old me renting out my ‘husband’, Phillip Hodgekiss, for the whole of lunchtime. Or you could have 5-10 goes on a ticket-shitting arcade machine.

These machines were the backbone of my holidays in Ingoldmells, Scarborough or similar. I would pester my parents for up to 24 hours a day, and eventually manage to get enough loose change to be able to wander round, honing my skills at ball throwing, thing hitting and general gambling. This tour of the machines would last about three minutes, because I would inevitably lose at everything due to being a stupid uncoordinated kid.

On the occasions I did win at these games (about once a year), I’d be rewarded with tickets. These would then be exchanged for things like one fake rubber finger, and a pencil sharpener with ‘Five Star’ written on it. What more could you want?

Cosmo Gang

cosmogang_191 Continue reading “A tribute to seaside arcade machines”

Board games and how to win at them

One time, I tried to hit my boyfriend with a pan. This only happened in my imagination, but it was a close thing. The reason for this imaginary rage fart was that my boyfriend had won three games of Guess Who in a row.

I realise this might say more about me than it does about the inherent unfairness of a children’s board game. But that didn’t stop me accusing him of shenanigans and bollocks, then retreating to a corner of the room to cry and eat Kitkats.

I’m not sure board games are aimed at me.

family

Let’s think about board games for a minute. Someone sat down and said “Hey I know, let’s invent a pastime that makes families kill each other!” Someone else maybe offered him a Wagon Wheel and said “Great idea Jim!” Continue reading “Board games and how to win at them”

Stupid shit flash games: Ed Miliband and denim jackets

Stupid shit flash games: Ed Miliband and denim jackets

I once wrote about games like these for another site. In the comments, someone pointed out that I “probably couldn’t do any better”. At the time I cheerfully agreed with him, but now I’m not so sure. I could possibly make something approaching a game like the following using duct tape and my own sense of confusion about tax returns.

Picture the scene. You have a bit of work to do, but your arse is itchy and you can’t be bothered. Only nonsensical clickbait games can save you now!

“Improve Appearance”

improve appearance 1

They’re right – everyone loves to improve their apparent look. I will come make up her.

I decided to improve her appearance by giving her two extra pairs of eyes, including a pair on her tits. Although this might be awkward when she has to say to a guy “Hey, my eyes are up here!” I’ve also given her two extra mouths so she can sass the men who stare at her tit eyes. Continue reading “Stupid shit flash games: Ed Miliband and denim jackets”

Fun with a broken Lazy Town CD ROM

Imagine my delight when I came across this activity pack in a charity shop:

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Then imagine my delight when I forgot all about it and it ended up in a box in the spare room. Then imagine my delight when I remembered about it a year later.

If you’ve never seen it, Lazy Town is a show about eating apples. Half the people who live in Lazy Town have plastic faces, and the mayor is Keith Vaz. There is one sane resident, Robbie Rotten, whose only wish is to be able to eat cake in peace. This somehow makes him the villain.

Anyway, included in the shit activity pack was a shit CD ROM. I didn’t know it was shit until I tried it out. Continue reading “Fun with a broken Lazy Town CD ROM”

Let’s play some stupid shit flash games I found

Hello. A while ago I wrote this, about various pink hallucinations I’d found online.

Writing that article forced me to investigate the world of shit flash games that exist solely to make 1p per click. I made that bit up but I bet it’s true.

I love these games. Where else do you get to perform foot surgery on Barbie, or make a baby with the face of Christopher Lee? Nowhere, that’s where. And these things are important.

That reminds me – I really need to find a Foster and Allen mug. Or some Foster and Allen cruets. Either way. I’m not fussy.

Our first fine fare is the interestingly titled ‘Inside Out Save Mermaid Princes’. First of all, I’m not entirely sure what a ‘mermaid prince’ is supposed to be. They might mean ‘princess’, or perhaps mermaids aren’t tied down by traditional gender roles.

Screenshot 2015-11-16 11.27.41

These are the characters from Pixar’s Inside Out, if they’d been drawn by me on Saturday night after I’d been drinking sherry. I’m not sure why they’re all floating in mid air. Continue reading “Let’s play some stupid shit flash games I found”