I didn’t have anything constructive to do this afternoon, so I thought I’d have another look through my ring binders of insanity.
As discussed in this post, the back pages of Rainbow Comic were a weekly delight, providing eager readers with jokes that made little to no sense. Here are some more I found, featuring accidental porn, statements of fact, and massive rage.
1: Inappropriate reactions
One of the most common reactions to someone telling a joke in the Rainbow house is “Oh no!” I’ve thought about this for about 17 hours in total, and I still can’t figure out how it’s an appropriate response.
However, even going “Oh no!” might not be as ridiculous as just gasping with fright.
They all seem prone to this:
They manage to be simultaneously awed and terrified by the the idea of horseshoes, and also by seeing Zippy holding a basket of eggs.
Don’t even mention to Bungle that he can move his feet.
In this one, Bungle and George are shocked that Zippy has made a joke about a door. To be fair, they’ve both been in a strange mood throughout the entire thing – why are they furious with Zippy before he’s even said anything? Bungle is especially menacing.
Seriously, try this yourself. Next time someone tells you a joke, just react with a horrified gasp, and see what kind of reaction you get. At the very least you’ll make the joke teller really paranoid, which is always fun.
I did spot a “Gasp!” which was justified, however. I’d have that reaction to seeing a fully grown man in a bear suit riding a donkey. That poor donkey.
2: Anger management
Right seriously, what the hell is Bungle’s problem?
I assume the “madness” part of “Musical Madness” refers to Bungle’s steroid-induced rage. At one point he’s about to punch Zippy in the face –
I can understand Bungle having the occasional meltdown, but Geoffrey should know better. Here he’s angry because he can’t do maths, or because the others didn’t give him enough time to do the sum, I’m not sure. Anyway, he’s gone so far into his pit of rage that all he can say is “FUME!”
That fucking escalated quickly.
3: When is a joke not a joke?
A: When it’s just Bungle pointing out that something’s a bit annoying.
B: When it’s Bungle failing to understand something as usual.
C: When someone asks what that noise is, and someone answers, and that’s it.
Is Bungle meant to have a massive hard-on in this one? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting thanks to all that strategically placed stuff:
No wonder George is scared.
5: Really Geoffrey? Shoes?
This joke isn’t actually bad. At least Bungle’s attempt at a pun makes sense, so he gets a ‘Well done for trying’ ribbon.
My problem isn’t with Bungle’s joke. My problem is with Geoffrey suddenly deciding to give a fuck about Bungle wearing shoes. Geoffrey, let’s not be a hypocrite here. You don’t seem to have a problem with Bungle failing to wear anything, including shoes, the rest of the time. I think you ought to concentrate on Bungle wearing underpants before you introduce exotic things like shoes to him. He already knows what a jacket is, so that’s a start anyway.
And to those who would argue that this is merely a contrivance to set up a joke, I say the following – piss off.
When it comes to Rainbow annuals, 1989 was an extremely good vintage. So it would be remiss of me not to share it with you.
Our team (me) has hand picked a hand picked selection of highlights from this seminal work, for your perusal. You’re welcome.
1. The gang are flummoxed by weeds
The first story is called ‘Everything In The Garden’, and is about Geoffrey and his friends making their garden not be a shithole in order to win a competition. This first picture shows the gang arriving home from a holiday, only to find that – dun dun DUNNNN! – nature has moved on as normal, and some weeds have grown in the garden.
They can’t understand this concept. “What is this sorcery? Who put these plants here? I think ISIS might be involved.” Idiots.
2. Make an indoor garden
My favourite part of Rainbow annuals is always the ‘make and do’ bits. Sometimes, they have projects that are so simple even I can do them. In this one, George is pissed off because it’s raining and that means his garden will be ruined, or something. As a solution, Geoffrey suggests making a fake garden, instead of, you know, not being such a bloody drip.
What you do is get pictures from “an old seed catalogue” (because everyone has those lying around), and then you draw flowers and shit on some stones, and somehow it all makes a garden.
I had a go –
3. Bungle’s fat head
This is from a story called ‘The Missing Piece’. It’s about a piece that’s missing. Why is Bungle’s head and neck so large?
4. Wrong shapes
In a section cleverly entitled ‘Shapes’, the Rainbow gang attempt to educate the idiot public about what shapes are, and what things are what shapes. What. Anyway, they can’t even get this right, as the following examples suggest:
Nope, it’s a cube.
It’s a sphere, you dumb dumbass. Balloons aren’t even like that.
Not technically wrong, but what the fuck is a tree doing looking like that? That tree doesn’t happen in real life, therefore Rainbow is giving kids false expectations. Also, they might grow up thinking all trees are triangles.
Again, not technically incorrect, but no bar of chocolate like that exists in real life. Especially not now, when everyone shaves bits off
to scam you and make more money to “improve the smooth taste”
5. Printing with junk
Another ‘make and do’. One day I have to get all these projects together and do them. I’d love that, and find it really interesting. No one else would. I don’t care.
Anyway, the idea is that you dig in the bin for bits of rubbish, then waste paint and paper making useless patterns. Other ‘junk’ I’d advise using include tampons, empty vodka bottles and nuclear waste.
6. The Future Game
One of the most inadvertently philosophical board games ever made. The concept of determinism is called into question here, as Bungle, Zippy and George fight over whether it’s better to be happy, rich, or famous. Whatever they decide is WHAT THEY WILL BE FOREVER. There is no room for negotiation here. Also, you can only be one of the three. As in real life, you can’t be rich and happy, or famous and happy. You can be famous and rich, but that would make you a bellend, and disqualify you from the game.
7. The most realistic drawing of Geoffrey ever
This is amazing, and props to whoever drew it. I’m going to ignore the fact that Geoffrey looks a bit like Ewan McGregor, and instead concentrate on its quality compared to other renderings of Geoffrey:
8. A home of your own
My god, I always wanted to make this, but for some reason I never got round to it. In today’s housing shortage climate, it’s more important than ever to be able to build a house from boxes and glue.
Like many kids, I was obsessed with dolls’ houses, miniature houses, and general habitats for my toys. One day. One day I will make this house, and then my He-Man figures can live in it, whether they like it or not.
I have tried to make things like this before, but because it’s me, this tends to be the sort of thing I come up with. I am a bad, terrible person.
Of course, for this ‘home of your own’ to be realistic, it has to have a sink piled high with washing up, a box full of old chocolate wrappers, and an overweight lunatic occupying the living room. I’ll get on it.