We need to talk about George

We need to talk about George

Lads, I’ve found the worst thing in the world. If they were trying to create an apocalyptic 2020 version of Rainbow, they’ve succeeded.

Turns out some company has acquired the rights to Rainbow despite having never seen Rainbow, seen an actual Rainbow, or heard the word ‘rainbow’ before. This company is using those rights to produce books like ‘Uncle George will break your knees tonight if you don’t pay up’. I only discovered this while innocently browsing the Rainbow Wikipedia page, as you do when you’re 37 and depressed.

Let’s just take a minute to go over this glorious cover, point by point.

The book itself is supposed to be an interactive puppet book: Mum and/or Dad put their hand in George, creating a whimsical live action story adventure for their child.

Reality: Child is so traumatised by ‘threatening bailiff George’ that they will never sleep again. And they’ll certainly never get into debt.

Here is the Amazon synopsis:

“Feelings of nostalgia for parents.” I get that. I too would like to go back to a time before this fucker was made. Ideally when Terry’s Neapolitans were still a thing.

Meanwhile, the plot centres around George playing hide and seek with people. I fucking wonder why.

You know this is bad because it manages to be worse than anything Bungle has ever done.

I am not an artist, but even I have a sense of – to use the technical expression – things looking fucking wrong. Those cold, staring eyes. Those wrong nostrils. Those synthetic plastic lips. The way they combine to make George say “U WOT M8”. The menacing way he’s brandishing his rattle at you. And what is his other arm doing.

I’ve watched a lot of Rainbow, but I don’t remember ever seeing George off his chuff on Stella, threatening to glass the viewers. Let’s be honest – the only thing George wants to play in this universe is fucking Russian Roulette.

If you think I’m overreacting because you’re 12 and you’ve never watched Rainbow, imagine this reboot in 30 years:

There isn’t really a point to this post, except that I needed to express my anger/fear at this unholy abomination. If you’re curious, it’s on Amazon. Godspeed.

Rainbow episode review: Where in the world is Bungle Bear?

Rainbow episode review: Where in the world is Bungle Bear?

I don’t want to alarm you, but this episode is all about the time Bungle escaped. Don’t worry though, they do eventually round him up with the help of tranquilizer darts and/or Rod.

We begin with Bungle giving us the finger.

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“I’m running away,” he declares. “I’ve got 20p and a hairy arse, I’m all set.”

Not really, although it would be hilarious to watch Bungle take his chances on the mean streets of wherever the fuck it is they live. In reality, he’s just going to the shop for some sweets. However, he has made the dangerous and fatal decision to GO ON HIS OWN. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Where in the world is Bungle Bear?”

An update on my Patreon

An update on my Patreon

Hi gang, just wanted to give you all an update on changes I’m going to be making to my Patreon (this won’t affect any existing patrons except for the top tier, who I’ve spoken to already).

Anyway, long story short is I’ve had to suspend my top Patreon tier for the time being, due to shops being shut. Given this, I figured I’d shake up my tiers a bit. I am nothing if not exciting.

I’m going to add a new $1 tier (probably called Rod, as Rod is a gigachad) that you can back if you just want to support my stuff. The $5 tier (Bungle) will still get access to the archive, videos, and in the very near future, some exclusive articles. The new highest tier (George, $15) will carry on getting everything, including exclusive Rainbow comics.

Thank you so much to everyone currently backing me, it means so much; it means I can (with enough budgeting) work full time on my books. I’m spending every waking hour on my next book (and the World of Crap Annual), and after that I’ll be free to shit out content at a much faster rate. Bear with me, and thank you again guys xxx

If you’d like to support my stuff, your support is really welcome xx

Rainbow Episode Review: RoboCrap

Rainbow Episode Review: RoboCrap

You know those episodes where Geoffrey manages to fool the others and is really pleased with himself, despite the fact that the others have a combined IQ of 9? Those ones are the best. Case in point – the one where Geoffrey left the room and decided to come back in AS HIS OWN UNCLE.

This is one of those episodes, and it is brilliant.

We begin with a knock off C3PO and R2D2 working in a cafe, for reasons. Malcolm Lord (not Bungle at this point but will go on to be Bungle) is their only customer, and they still manage to bollocks his order up.

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I want to know which set they stole those robots off. Continue reading “Rainbow Episode Review: RoboCrap”

Rainbow Episode Review: CountryFail

Rainbow Episode Review: CountryFail

I’m watching this episode blind, so it might be about a lost pencil, or it might be about the Suez Canal, who knows. Let’s find out!

Right, it’s 4 o’clock in the morning, which is when everyone in the Rainbow house gets up. You can tell it’s 4 o’clock because we just heard a cock. Ignore the stupid shit clock on the wall, it doesn’t tell the time because it’s just drawn on.

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I hope this isn’t a George-centric episode. Those are always the hardest to write about, since George is nowhere near as entertaining and pubic as Bungle. Continue reading “Rainbow Episode Review: CountryFail”

Rainbow Episode Review: Drop Dead Bungle

Rainbow Episode Review: Drop Dead Bungle

In this episode, Bungle finally has his long overdue mental breakdown. Forced to confront the reality that the others really don’t fucking like him and wish he’d sod off, Bungle snaps and invents his own friend, with blackjack and hookers.

Let’s begin. The gang are all having what fun and japes as usual.

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Nobody comes right out and says “Bungle we hate you and you smell”, but there’s an atmosphere. Maybe Bungle stuck his dick in the jam, I don’t know. Continue reading “Rainbow Episode Review: Drop Dead Bungle”

Rainbow Episode Review: Pride And Prejudice

Rainbow Episode Review: Pride And Prejudice

It occurred to me that I’ve never reviewed this episode, despite it being one of my favourites. This is because I am a div.

The episode is called ‘Bungle’s High And Mighty Day’, and the plot is as follows: Bungle is a twat for the entire day. Even more of a twat than usual. With that backstory established, let’s begin.

“HELLO GET UP” booms Geoffrey.

Not sure what Bungle’s doing at this point.

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Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual

Stories! Quizzes! Horoscopes! Swearing Bungle! Misc!

Does this sound like something you’d want to throw your money away on, like an idiot? Hopefully it does, otherwise I’m a bit screwed.

After a year of various people nagging me, I’ve launched a Kickstarter to make a world of Crap annual.

Yes! No! I mean… hopefully!

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That’s right! For up to some money, you too can get an annual full of quality content, such as: Continue reading “Kickstarter: The World Of Crap Annual”

Rainbow episode review: Bungle.exe

Rainbow episode review: Bungle.exe

I’ve been a fan of Rainbow ever since I can remember, so when a creepy old man at a yard sale offered me a VHS, I jumped at the chance.

“How much?” I said.

“50 quid” he said.

“Fuck off” I said.

“Fine, have it for free,” said the man. “But I warn you, someone died from watching this. I think it might be a haunted tape.”

I looked at the box, and saw that someone had scribbled out the word ‘Rainbow’ and written ‘Rainbow.exe’ in its place. Which was a bit redundant, since the word ‘Rainbow’ was already there.

I couldn’t wait to get back to my house, which was on an old Indian burial ground, and fire up my Sega Mega Drive VHS player.

I put the tape in and pressed play, then started to watch the video with my eyes. Suddenly, a ghost appeared!

“Fuck off I’m watching Rainbow,” I said. The ghost went away.

The first episode was meant to be called ‘Wibbly Wobbly’, but instead it was called ‘MURDER BLOOD’, and the opening credits had all blood on them!

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“I don’t remember there being all blood?” I thought. But I pushed the thought from my mind and settled down to watch Bungle being a dickhead as usual. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Bungle.exe”