Rainbow episode review: Try not to get bummed by a chair

Apologies for not doing many posts recently, I’ve been on some super fun new anxiety meds, one of the effects of which is “malaise”. Malaise, in this case, translates roughly as “lying on the settee watching loads of Jim Sterling on Youtube and being too tired to fart”. Anyway, here I am.

Today’s episode is called ‘Watch Out’, and it’s about watching out. Presumably, like ‘watch out for that falling piano’ and ‘watch out for that sex pest over there’.

Bungle is doing a painting. Unfortunately for Bungle, he’s forgotten to watch out, and now his afternoon is littered with life-threatening things. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the hazards?

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Firstly, There is a pot of water just feet away from the edge of the table. If knocked over, this water will go on fire.

water

Secondly, There are some toy cars on the floor. You might not have spotted this one, because it wasn’t in the first screenshot. Oh well.

cars

Lastly – and most importantly – Bungle’s painting is fucking rubbish. He should watch out for art critics, who might come along and tell him this. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Try not to get bummed by a chair”

Rainbow episode review: Hard Times

Today we’re looking at an episode featuring everyone’s favourite auntie – Auntie! I’m not sure whose auntie she is, but she must be somebody’s, because she does auntie things like saying “Hello, I’m Auntie.” Now I’m going to stop writing that word for a bit because I’ve written it too much and it’s started to look all funny and wrong.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. This episode is also about losing your job at the shoe shop, which is something all 3 year olds have experienced at some point.

Can you guess who’s lost their job at the shoe shop? Well, it’s not Geoffrey because he doesn’t appear to have a job, apart from occasionally looking at some papers on a clipboard and going “oh dear”. It’s probably not Zippy or George, because they don’t have feet, and would be mediocre at best when it comes to singing the praises of slingbacks. And it’s not Bungle, because we’ve met Bungle, come on.

If you’re still reading this and you’re an idiot, I’ll reveal the answer shortly. But first, Bungle, Zippy and George are playing ‘dog doctor’.

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They’re not playing ‘vet’, because they don’t know the word ‘vet’, because they’re 3. This adds weight to my theory that they don’t work at Freeman Hardy Willis. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Hard Times”

Rainbow episode review: Who wears short shorts?

Well, who does wear short shorts? And when I say short, I mean ‘CAUTION – FLYING BALLS IN THIS AREA’.

The answer is, of course, the mighty Rod. Shame on you if you said Bungle. We all know Bungle’s balls are allowed to flap around in the breeze, just like nature intended.

But why is Rod wearing the hottest of hotpants? Because the gang have decided to host the Olympics in their back garden, that’s why.

Let’s begin. Geoffrey is busy making sashes that will separate the pro athletes from Bungle and Jane’s team.

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“Hang on,” thinks Geoffrey. “How can Zippy and George do the egg and spoon race when they have a grand total of no legs between them? Oh sod it, let them worry about that. We all have disabilities. Jane’s a woman.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Who wears short shorts?”

Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt

Hello how are you? I am fine.

Do you remember when shopping wasn’t hideous, and sometimes you’d go to the shops for a nice day out? I used to do that before all the shops became one big Tesco that smells of piss and poor people.

The gang are going to have a nice day out at the shops in today’s episode, which is called ‘Shops’. You know what, I bet you could have figured out the title for yourself; it’s not like the episode was going to be called ‘The English Patient’.

Let’s begin. Everyone is bored:

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George: “I’m bored.”

Zippy: “I’m bored.”

Bungle: “Geoffrey bet me a fiver I couldn’t pull my own nose off. I’ll show him.”

Geoffrey orders them to stop being bored, because “there are hundreds of things to do”. This is a lie Geoffrey. Most officially sanctioned ‘things to do’ are variants of waving limbs around. You know this. I’d say there are about seven things to do, in the whole world. And one of those is seeing if it’s possible to kick yourself in the fanny.

“How about a game of I Spy?”

“Jesus Geoffrey why not just put us in a coma now and have done with it?” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt”

Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel

Have you ever done that thing where someone says ‘Whatever you do, do not hit yourself in the face with this hot frying pan’, and you’ve immediately thought ‘Why? What will happen if I do? Well now I need to hit myself in the face with this hot frying pan just to find out.’ This episode is about that.

Geoffrey, instead of having a job, has spent the morning lining up some dominoes:

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“You see these? These are fucking banging these are.”

He’s clearly put hours of work into this. I hope nothing happens to his dominoes. I hope, for example, that a naked bear isn’t suddenly curious about the dominoes.

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“I have to go out of the room Bungle. Don’t touch those dominoes.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t touch them.”

Should Geoffrey have said:

A) “Touch these dominoes and I’ll fucking kill you.”

B) “If you so much as look at these dominoes, they will fall over, and then I’ll fucking kill you.”

C) “Don’t touch these dominoes, FOR A MYSTERIOUS REASON.”

D: “Put some fucking clothes on Bungle.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel”

Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead

Good evening. Today we’re going to crush Bungle’s dreams, because if I can’t achieve anything then I’m fucked if he’s going to.

Bungle is playing the piano. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the problem with this?

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At this point, it would be far too easy to joke about how Bungle is on some sort of drugs, like LSD, Calpol or heroin. I am not going to suggest that. What I am going to suggest is that Bungle has never seen a piano before, but he likes the idea of it, and he just assumes pianists hit things until sound comes out. He’s also never heard a piano before, because a piano doesn’t sound like Bungle hitting a table.

Are you with me so far?

The point is that Bungle’s playing a piano that isn’t there, because he’s a div.

It transpires that Bungle is attempting to play ‘Old McDonald Had A Farm’. He makes up for the lack of piano by just humming the tune.

SO HE COULD HAVE JUST STOOD THERE HUMMING AND SAVED EVERYONE ALL THIS BOTHER.

Halfway through, he starts adding in some moves like Stevie Wonder.

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Meanwhile, Zippy is trying to get George to play I Spy with him, but George is “not very good at I Spy”. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead”

Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off

I’m in a bad mood for two reasons:

1. My laptop is powered by steam and extinct eggs.

2. I was sewing shit onto my boyfriend’s work uniform FOR AN HOUR. It was only three things, but I suck at sewing. I think I bled to death.

Given that, I’ve chosen a nice cheery episode today. I’m watching this blind so I don’t know what happens, but it’s called ‘Worried And Weary’, so I assume it’s going to fit my mood.

Right.

George is being a bellend, as usual.

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How dare he go round collecting money for the hospital. And, more specifically, how dare he say to the hospital “Yes I will collect money for you. No don’t worry I’ll get loads of money, I know more than six people, including two who have 20p in the world, no don’t worry.” George lied.

Also, which hospital is this supposed to be? My guess is ‘Rainbow hospital’. Is there an episode where one of them goes to hospital? I’ve never seen it, but I bet it would be a nice mix of heartwarming and shoddy. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off”