Hello how are you? I am fine.
Do you remember when shopping wasn’t hideous, and sometimes you’d go to the shops for a nice day out? I used to do that before all the shops became one big Tesco that smells of piss and poor people.
The gang are going to have a nice day out at the shops in today’s episode, which is called ‘Shops’. You know what, I bet you could have figured out the title for yourself; it’s not like the episode was going to be called ‘The English Patient’.
Let’s begin. Everyone is bored:
George: “I’m bored.”
Zippy: “I’m bored.”
Bungle: “Geoffrey bet me a fiver I couldn’t pull my own nose off. I’ll show him.”
Geoffrey orders them to stop being bored, because “there are hundreds of things to do”. This is a lie Geoffrey. Most officially sanctioned ‘things to do’ are variants of waving limbs around. You know this. I’d say there are about seven things to do, in the whole world. And one of those is seeing if it’s possible to kick yourself in the fanny.
“How about a game of I Spy?”
“Jesus Geoffrey why not just put us in a coma now and have done with it?” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt”
Have you ever done that thing where someone says ‘Whatever you do, do not hit yourself in the face with this hot frying pan’, and you’ve immediately thought ‘Why? What will happen if I do? Well now I need to hit myself in the face with this hot frying pan just to find out.’ This episode is about that.
Geoffrey, instead of having a job, has spent the morning lining up some dominoes:
“You see these? These are fucking banging these are.”
He’s clearly put hours of work into this. I hope nothing happens to his dominoes. I hope, for example, that a naked bear isn’t suddenly curious about the dominoes.
“I have to go out of the room Bungle. Don’t touch those dominoes.”
“Just don’t touch them.”
Should Geoffrey have said:
A) “Touch these dominoes and I’ll fucking kill you.”
B) “If you so much as look at these dominoes, they will fall over, and then I’ll fucking kill you.”
C) “Don’t touch these dominoes, FOR A MYSTERIOUS REASON.”
D: “Put some fucking clothes on Bungle.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel”
Good evening. Today we’re going to crush Bungle’s dreams, because if I can’t achieve anything then I’m fucked if he’s going to.
Bungle is playing the piano. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the problem with this?
At this point, it would be far too easy to joke about how Bungle is on some sort of drugs, like LSD, Calpol or heroin. I am not going to suggest that. What I am going to suggest is that Bungle has never seen a piano before, but he likes the idea of it, and he just assumes pianists hit things until sound comes out. He’s also never heard a piano before, because a piano doesn’t sound like Bungle hitting a table.
Are you with me so far?
The point is that Bungle’s playing a piano that isn’t there, because he’s a div.
It transpires that Bungle is attempting to play ‘Old McDonald Had A Farm’. He makes up for the lack of piano by just humming the tune.
SO HE COULD HAVE JUST STOOD THERE HUMMING AND SAVED EVERYONE ALL THIS BOTHER.
Halfway through, he starts adding in some moves like Stevie Wonder.
Meanwhile, Zippy is trying to get George to play I Spy with him, but George is “not very good at I Spy”. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead”
I’m in a bad mood for two reasons:
1. My laptop is powered by steam and extinct eggs.
2. I was sewing shit onto my boyfriend’s work uniform FOR AN HOUR. It was only three things, but I suck at sewing. I think I bled to death.
Given that, I’ve chosen a nice cheery episode today. I’m watching this blind so I don’t know what happens, but it’s called ‘Worried And Weary’, so I assume it’s going to fit my mood.
George is being a bellend, as usual.
How dare he go round collecting money for the hospital. And, more specifically, how dare he say to the hospital “Yes I will collect money for you. No don’t worry I’ll get loads of money, I know more than six people, including two who have 20p in the world, no don’t worry.” George lied.
Also, which hospital is this supposed to be? My guess is ‘Rainbow hospital’. Is there an episode where one of them goes to hospital? I’ve never seen it, but I bet it would be a nice mix of heartwarming and shoddy. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off”
This episode is called ‘The Show Offs’, and is about the following things:
1: Bungle’s inability to not be naked, AGAIN.
2: Some other stuff.
Geoffrey is decorating the garden with tinsel and flags. This is because they’re planning to have one of those weird concerts where only they turn up.
At this concert, everyone’s going to be doing their talent. Let me tell you – I’ve just discovered that I can do a banging impression of Sunderland manager Simon Grayson, which is more impressive when you consider that I’ve never heard him speak. That’s better than any of the shit this lot can come up with.
“I’ll be the best. Everyone knows I’m the best singer,” says Zippy.
“Yes yes we all know you can sing,” says Geoffrey. “Meanwhile, my talent is not having killed any of you three yet.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Rebel without a clothes”
This episode is about tools, and using tools, and working hard with tools, and Bungle, who is a tool.
Let’s begin. Geoffrey is washing everyone’s bras:
“Oh dear, we do have a lot of washing considering three of us are nudists!”
Geoffrey goes to the kitchen to toil. Zippy shouts after him:
“Geoffrey, I can’t find my blue socks!”
“Zippy, how many times? You don’t own any socks, you don’t own any feet.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Tool Time”
This episode is called ‘Smile Please’, and is all about posing for photos like a big attention whore.
Geoffrey is taking a photo of Bungle. Since Bungle is naked, we can assume this is for Readers’ Wives.
Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Girls on film”