Reviewing beige wallpaper

I love beige. Obviously, anyone who doesn’t love beige should be shunned for being an individual. And because I am a woman one, I also love things like wallpaper, shopping, and shopping for wallpaper. I know this to be true because I read it on some website once.

Fun fact: since 1960, people have put up wallpaper in order to stop their walls becoming portals to hell.

Anyway, I figured I’d review some beige wallpaper. Because, you know.

Graham & Brown Superfresco Colour Aaron Decorative Wallpaper Beige

1 superfresco aaron beige

This is good because it says on the Wickes website how to put it up (paste the paper). This is ideal for people who hadn’t yet figured that out.

Aside from that, this wallpaper has a lot going for it. It’s beige, which I like because that website said I do, it sticks to the wall (I assume), and it doesn’t provoke ‘nam flashbacks like Homebase ‘Nam Flashback Red’.

Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: George Clooney, that one off London’s Burning, Rene Descartes.

Did I ever tell you about the time my sister shit up the wall? Continue reading “Reviewing beige wallpaper”

The lesser-known careers of Barbie

Everyone knows Barbie can’t hold down a job for more than a day. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following –

  • Having sex with the boss on the first day
  • Being dim
  • Lacking flexible limbs
  • Office politics
  • That time she threatened to cut that woman

hells angel

The point is that Barbie has had some tough breaks over the years, but that has never dampened her entrepreneurial spirit. Like a well-worn rag, she dusts herself off and gets back on the horse. Which is a shame, because Barbie’s horse can’t really go anywhere on account of not being alive.

Anyway, let’s take a look back at some of Barbie’s less widely remembered jaunts into the world of work… Continue reading “The lesser-known careers of Barbie”

12 things that made you look hard as a kid

Tough guys in the 80s and 90s: for whatever reason it was important that we looked and acted like Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and the criminals of the day, despite being eight years old and the owner of a My Little Pony lunchbox.

At our school, it was imperative that we gave the impression of A) not giving a fuck what anyone thought of us (especially teachers) and B) being able to roundhouse kick anyone in the school into the middle of next week. It also helped if we could project the aura of someone who carried guns, and who had the Hell’s Angels on speed-dial (assuming our mums let us use the phone).

Because we were all idiots, we used to take our cues from the popular tv shows and movies of the day, thinking that if we just copied whatever punk, tough guy or shit gang member (I’m looking at you Los Locos) was on the screen at the time, then their street cred would rub off on us. If we acted like them and did the following things, then our enemies would run and hide in a bin when they saw us coming.

It never worked. All that happened was that we either got laughed at or told off by grown ups.

1. Dyeing your hair

hair dye

Where we lived, only troublemakers and yobbos dyed their hair. Any colour that wasn’t the regulation black, brown, blonde or ginger marked you out as the sort of person that shoplifted and had run-ins with the fuzz. In reality, the yobbos were more likely to sit around listening to vinyl and looking all sad, but we weren’t to know that. Continue reading “12 things that made you look hard as a kid”

Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever

The other night I was reading the 1979 Whizzer and Chips annual, when a story called “Whizz Wheels” caught my eye.

Normally I don’t read the ‘action’ stories, preferring to skip straight to more light hearted fare like Fuss Pot and Beat Your Neighbour. But something about this story told me to stop and read it. I’m glad I did, because now I’m obsessed with it. Naturally I had to share it with you guys, and I think you will all be better people for it.

So join me, intrepid reader, for a tale of crime, intrigue, and penny farthings…

EPSON MFP image

“This is Tommy Wheels, known as ‘Whizz’ to his pals”. Really? Tommy Wheels? This is the biggest load of nominative determinism since I changed my name to ‘Sitting On The Settee Scratching Myself’.

I like to think Tommy Wheels secretly really hates bikes, but he’s under enormous pressure from his friends and family to be some kind of bike nut. Maybe Tommy would really like a horse, but he can’t have a horse because horses don’t have wheels. Also – “Your dad rode bikes, and I’m fucked if you’re going to shame this family by not riding bikes.” Continue reading “Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever”

The shit you can win on a 2p machine

I love 2p machines, I always have. Nothing beats the thrill of seeing an almost worthless coin inching its way forward, before finally dropping down that hole that means you haven’t won it. The only thing that comes close to beating it is the thrill of winning something you have absolutely no use for after the first ten seconds of owning it.

time for tea bognor regis

Some absolute BASTARDS (I’m looking at you Butlins in Skegness) have done away with 2p machine prizes altogether, instead saving their cheap useless crap for the 10p machines. This, as you know, goes against the natural order of things. Expect Skegness to have a plague of locusts or something soon, thanks to those money grabbing, fun hating pricks.

As far as I know, no one else has gone along with this evil, so let’s get back to normal 2p machines, where it is entirely possible to spend a lucky 20p brightening up your day by winning a ‘fashion comb’ or an eraser that looks like a £50 note. Continue reading “The shit you can win on a 2p machine”

10 toys in every doctor’s waiting room

Did I ever tell you about the time I got ill on holiday, and ended up being sick all over the doctor’s office, including up his sleeves? That’s the kind of kid I was.

This tendency towards chicken pox, mysterious childhood snots, and trying to wangle time off school led me to be familiar with the toys in the doctor’s waiting room. These toys were invariably covered in germs and various bodily fluids, but this didn’t deter me.

These days, whenever I have to go to the doctor’s I am generally to be found scrolling through my phone with all the other anti-social automatons in there, but when I was a kid, a trip to the doctor’s was an excuse to go crazy with the communal bits of plastic and soiled books. Obviously I couldn’t go too crazy, as I was either ill or pretending to be ill.

Anyway, here are 10 toys that always made being violently ill fun…

1. Matchbox Activity Bear

matchbox activity bear

This chap lived at the bottom of that plastic toybox that graced the corner of the waiting room. While it was really meant for babies who were too young and stupid to play with the cooler stuff, I did while away some pleasant minutes honking its nose, spinning the things on its foot, and trying to avoid the month-old Ribena stains on its general person. The babies would just have to find something else to do, like pooing. Continue reading “10 toys in every doctor’s waiting room”

A guide to 80s caravan holidays

These days, children go on four world cruises a year. When I was growing up, we didn’t have such luxuries, and had to make do with a more modest form of holiday.

Most people would trundle off to the seaside for a week or two every summer. Some families stayed in a hotel or a B & B, some families threw themselves on the mercy of Butlins, but the best families stayed in a metal shed on wheels, otherwise known as a caravan.

1

I have two main memories of caravans – one good, one bad. The bad memory is of being dragged round caravan showrooms on a weekend, endlessly crunching over gravel and staring at wheels and towing frames, since I was too small to actually see into any of the caravans (caraven?). I have no idea why we went to these places so much, and it seemed like we went every week. To my knowledge, we never bought a caravan.

Our modus operandi was to hire a big static caravan at one of the many parks scattered around the East coast, and this was always a cause for great excitement. What would our caravan be like? Where exactly would it be parked? Where would I be sleeping?

Well, the answers to these questions were always as follows –

1. Exactly like all the other hundreds of caravans on the park – sometimes with slightly darker wood panelling, or a different type of chintz on the cushions.

2. Next to a family with a barking dog.

3. On the brilliant double bed that was made out of a table and wizardry. Continue reading “A guide to 80s caravan holidays”