Stuff from the 1994 Argos catalogue

Stuff from the 1994 Argos catalogue

The other week I spent actual money on old Argos catalogues from Ebay. I do not regret this. I also don’t regret doing a really bad fart that time, pouring the leftover vodka into that day old glass of wine to make a ‘cocktail’, and eating that Hula Hoop I found under the settee.

Now then…

1. Brooches

p 72 brooches

Brooches don’t seem to be a thing any more, unless you also like £10 cups of ‘coffee style chicory drink’ and ‘street typing’. But back in the day, brooches were a serious way to show off the fact that you had a lapel, jumper or any other item of clothing.

This display features a wanking teddy, and a clown crippled with arthritis.

2. Our Price offer

p 85 offer

Buy a Sekonda watch, and get a £5 Our Price voucher. This was not to be sniffed at: in 1994 you could buy up to one single by UB40 featuring Pato Banton.

Then simply spend another tenner and be entered into a super fun prize draw to nearly win a holiday to the USA!

3. Watches

p 90 watches

I would kill for that Troll watch now. Do you hear me? Kill. Other watches include a My Little Pony watch with free comb (not sure if human sized comb or comb for the miniature My Little Pony, since it has hair. I wouldn’t put it past them), and a Forever Friends watch, worn by all the popular girls at my junior school who didn’t like things like hair dye and listening to Pulp.

4. Wall clocks


I can’t see that bear as anything other than “Help, I’ve got balloons sticking out of my arse!”. Meanwhile, we have some classic 90s ware, such as “L’enfant”, other assorted Athena crap, and ‘Gladiators with their bums out’.

5. A guide to typewriters and word processors

p 124 guide to word processors

Advertising features like:

Justification: You now have to justify why you’ve written “People who can’t use cashpoints must be killed”.

Autospell: For example, if you write “I would like to do sex with Patsy Kensit”, Autospell will handily change it to “I would like to think of anything else you negator”.

6. Horrible suite

p 178 suite

I’m pretty sure we had this when I was a kid. We definitely had one with tassels, because they were an awesome forest/row of guards substitute when you were playing He-Man.

7. Duvet covers

p 235 duvet covers

Gladiators duvet cover (for more Gladiators crap see here), some stupid Mickey Mouse thing which no one ever wants, and Noah’s Ark, which is great for when you’re in bed playing ‘save all the animals from the flood that just happens to be all around your bed’. I must stress that I haven’t played this since I was about 7. Nowadays we just play ‘duvet tug o war’ and ‘how long can you read TV Tropes without dying’ in bed.

8. Weird toilet mat things

p 254 toilet mats

The thinking behind these: these lovely mats will catch all my stray piss, and then I can just piss like a modern man.

The reality: They get kicked a lot by people going to the loo. As a result they end up crumpled in a corner somewhere, and of no use to anyone. Piss goes on the avacado carpet.

9. Gifts

p 355 stress stuff

Including that pink stress buster that everyone’s had a go on at some point, and if you haven’t you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Also a Pepsi can that is more fiendish than it looks. Since the picture looks like it’s about 5 pieces, it fucking better be.

10. Women’s shit

p 370 womens shit

That sink tidy has me on edge. All it’s going to take is someone slightly nudging it, and the whole thing comes crashing down. Also, only women love ice packs, and stupid scented butterflies that mean there’s less room for their flowery skirts, which is what all women wear.

11. Net

p 413 golf goal wrong sport dickhead

Wrong sport, dickhead.

12. A guide to camcorders

p 452 guide to camcorders

“Lux Illumination”, “Intelligent Auto Iris”, and “Flying Erase Head”.

Come on, keep up, everyone knows what ‘Lux Illumination’ is.


flying eraser

Join me in part 2 for hot chefs, swearing Teddy Ruxpin, and dolls with adult hair.

The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

Gladiators is one of my favourite shows, but it’s never really occurred to me to have a look at the various cash-in tat on offer. This is because I’ve been too busy Ebaying Kwik Save carrier bags with the handles missing.

My god, where have I been? I should have known that a show about men in bras kicking each other in the bollocks would have spawned a wide and fascinating array of merchandise. And even better, some of it manages to not be about Jet.

Customer ready? 3… 2… 1…

3D glasses, for seeing in 3D


Advertised on this box:


Which could be Shadow, or it could be Barry Manilow for all it looks like Shadow.

For viewing the following picture:


If you don’t own the SPECIAL GLADIATORS 3D GLASSES, then save the image for when you run out of booze. It’s grrreat!

Saracen badge

i was bummed by saracen

“Saracen: the ultimate challenge”. Buy this for your woman if she survived getting bummed by Saracen.

A Shadow badge is available, but no one ever survives getting bummed by Shadow.



Hunter did a single! It’s probably shit, I haven’t listened to it yet.

UPDATE: I’ve listened to it now. It’s still probably shit.

Jet poster


Can you smell the jizz in this room.

Gladiators comic

glad1 001

Drawn by a madman, and written by someone who wants all the Gladiators to have tits and die. Jet can literally fly. Flame is literally on fire. I can’t imagine she’s happy about that. Also, why are things always ‘100% official’? Why are they never ‘80% official’?

Glad2 001

There seems to have been a change of artist between issues 1 and 2: we go from ‘realistic-but-on-fire’ to ‘Robert Crumb after 6 bottles of Calpol’.

Jet bubble bath

jet bubble bath

Supposed to be generic Gladiators bubble bath, but come on, let’s be realistic here. There’s a picture of Jet on it, so teenage boys will buy it. Anything that will encourage teenage boys to have a bath is good I guess.

‘Paint your own’ figures

jet paint your own figures

Jet looks like she’s been on the hobnobs. Wolf is trying to do a really difficult poo. They’re all getting bummed by their own ghosts.

Lady Gladiator figure

jet figure

Sold on Ebay with the implication that, for 20p, the lady Gladiator will assume this pose for you.

Gladiators mega fun board game


All the fun of Gladiators with none of the fun of Gladiators.

See also: Play-along-at-home Game Book

game book

and the Gladiators card matching game

pik n mix game

Gladiators lorry


For ferrying illegal Gladiators, like Nitro, into the country. Bit of a giveaway having ‘Gladiators’ written on the side though. Should say ‘boring tools and pipes’.


Gladiators Fact File

fact file

Featuring the following facts:

– Jet is the best one

– Shadow and Warrior got done for stuff

– Flame and Hawk exist

– Jet can fit a whole Budweiser bottle in her mouth

– Jet “really loves having sex with sweaty virgins”

Action cards


Another outstanding Frosties prize. Why is Scorpio clinging on to a snake?

‘I Don’t Know’ by Diane Youdale


I haven’t listened to this, so I’ve guessed at the lyrics:

“I don’t know the square root of Pi,

I don’t know the life cycle of a fly,

But I do know…








Tampons and stealing: 12 upcoming charity months

Personally, I love being told what to do every single fucking month. I find myself enjoying Veganuary so much I forget to look forward to Stoptober.

I’ve compiled a list of all the upcoming rhyming charity shit for next year, so you can live through this hell with me. Mark these in your diary.


pretty young lady riding a horse on the beach in early morning

Everyone has to wear white and ride a horse. Other than that, no idea what you do. Something to do with women’s shit presumably.



Everyone spends the month doing things they consider beneath them, such as not reading the Guardian. Bonus points if you can prove you have a ‘working class friend’.

Eat Starch for March

starch for march

Eat some chips. Question mark profit. At least you care, not like those ignorant people.



Everyone decides to stop having clinical depression for the month, and to snap out of it. They then do fun things like raising their arms.

Gay for Pay for May

gay for pay for may

Self-explanatory. All proceeds go towards biscuits.

Watch Boon for June


You know the one with Michael Elphick in it? That. Raises awareness of something or other. Or you could watch Home To Roost, that was pretty good too.



All global conflicts must be settled by beating Shadow at Duel. Of course, we all remember last year’s controversy, when Shadow faced the U.N., who were disqualified because they couldn’t all fit on the podium.



Everyone rents out their genitals. Car boot sales are fun during this month.



Everyone must steal a minimum of 10 items. Stealing big items gets you extra points. So, for example, you won’t raise much awareness by stealing a ring pull, but you will by stealing a museum. Everyone on Twitter will call you an ‘inspiration’.



Nobody gets any until Bonfire Night. That’ll learn you. You should have gone to the car boot sales two months ago. Raises awareness of the fact that Nice Guys are owed sex in return for lending you a pen.



You know that thing you like doing? Stop it. No one’s allowed to do anything.



To raise awareness of men having dicks, all men are encouraged to walk round with their dicks out. If you call it a ‘willy’ you are disqualified. If you don’t have a dick (for example, because you’re a woman), you can borrow one from a neighbour. Thinking about it, this might be a real one.

9 sayings that are complete balls when you think about them

More so than ever, the world is just a bunch of people going around saying things without giving a second thought to what they mean. My dislike of words is widely documented across the world wide internet. Googling my name and the word “words” yields endless results, all of which are me ranting like a drunk racist at a darts match.

(editor’s note: darts is ace. Slag off darts again and I’ll cut you)

It’s true that the internet is made up of people knowing they’re talking shite but doing so regardless. Alas, these people are not my issue. Truth be told, I only really use the internet for two things and both of them involve pornography. Online shit-posting has never bothered me because its sole purpose is to wind somebody up; however, the phrases mentioned here are supposed to be well-meaning advice. When someone compares you to Hitler because you haven’t completed the new Batman game, they’re just trying to sand your ass crack. When someone tells you to “follow your passion”, they’re making assumptions about your life, your responsibilities and your happiness.

I often find it difficult to keep my mouth shut when someone says something stupid (call me old fashioned). And while this goes a long way to help explain why I’m unemployed and have no friends, I believe such outbursts are necessary in order to facilitate a better world. Good intentions are all well and good, but at some point good intentions turned into ridiculous out-of-context fairytale phrases which, for some reason, people often still take as gospel.

For example:

1. Age is just a number


Age is just a number? No shit, dickhead – so is the speed limit. So is the legal age of drinking. Do you know why there’s an age limit on drinking? Because giving whiskey to three year olds would probably kill them. There is nothing on this earth which is “just a number”, because things are numbered for a reason. Saying that age is just a number means you are perfectly happy for a four year old to operate power tools. Sure, it says ages 18+ on the packaging but if age is just a number, who cares?

The phrase is used exclusively by two types of people: 1) middle aged cougars who have slept with someone thirty years their junior and 2) paedophiles. If you’ve ever used the term “age is just a number”, ask yourself: which one are you?

2. We did all this [unsafe shit] as kids and we turned out fine!

we turned out fine

This is one I see posted on social media by people who want to passively aggressively imply that children are lazy little shits who need to stop playing video games. While I don’t disagree, there are more apt ways of doing so than posting a black and white photo of some kids eating worms out of a can with a caption that says “we used to eat all sorts of random shit we found in bins when we were kids and we’re still alive!”

Of course, this is only one variation. There are many others:

“Remember when we used to snort ants and then see how long we could hang on to the back of trucks for?”

“Kids these days don’t know the simple pleasures of somersaulting off garage roofs onto concrete.”

While there are nuggets to truth to this bullshit, I don’t suppose the kids who died eating burnt rubber from a skip will be weighing in anytime soon.

3. Find a man who treats you like a queen


Notorious ladies’ man Henry VIII treated his women just like queens. In fact, they were queens. He had six of them in total, two of which he had executed, all of which he treated like shit.

People who coin quotes about relationships aren’t often known for their historical accuracies. Henry VIII aside, most kings treated their queens like total shit. In fact, I can’t think of a single queen who doesn’t get shit on for being useless. Anyway, this quote is used by young girls who don’t know what a queen is and don’t have the brain capacity to understand that idolisation from a partner leads to delusion, unhappiness and a skewed perception of reality.

Without the realisation that every human is flawed, our mental growth stagnates. One’s ignorance of their stupidity is the only barometer a person has to gauge intelligence. The only true sign of intelligence is being aware that on a whole, we’re all quite stupid. I personally believe myself to be well-versed in the realms of books, crime and erotic art – but I’m fully aware that I’ll never know everything there is to know on these subjects. I embrace this, and I believe it grounds me more than idolisation from someone ever would.

(If any women reading this want to get in touch then disregard all of the above.)

4. You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it

you can achieve anything

To me, this phrase feels like a teacher addressing the most privileged kid in the class, except he has to say it to the whole class so the other kids don’t cry. I do believe that, within reason, you can achieve most things you set out to.

Providing you’re: rich, privileged, well-connected, young, naturally gifted, have few responsibilities, willing to make sacrifices regarding your personal life, have a support net in case things go wrong, etc.

5. The customer is always right


What this is saying is that if you complain enough you will eventually be rewarded. Is it any surprise the world is full of adult cry babies who break down in tears when things don’t go their way?

6. A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet


In 1930, Albert Fish befriended the family of a 10-year-old girl under the pretense of looking after her. Several weeks later, he cut off her limbs and used them to make stew. In the late 1970s, Peter Sutcliffe stabbed a woman with such force that her intestines exploded from her stomach like something HR Giger would see if he took acid. In 2006, Colin Ireland met men in bars and took them home and – you guessed it – set fire to their testicles and suffocated them with a carrier bag.

All of these victims, before their no doubt painful and undignified demise, assumed their killers to be strangers they could trust. They weren’t. They were serial murdering sexual sadists who liked to strangle, suffocate, cannibalise and insert DIY implements into women’s vaginas. Saying that all strangers have the potential to be your friend not only says that you live in a world run by fairies, but is also very insulting to anyone who has had similarly bad experiences.

The worst thing is that this saying doesn’t even require that much thought in order to ascertain its bullshitery. For example, I’ve never met my miserably elderly neighbour who sometimes throws dog shit over my fence, but I can conclude with very little effort that we probably wouldn’t be good friends. I’ve never met Charles Manson but I reckon we wouldn’t get on very well either. Stop trying to be friends with everyone, and just be lonely and grouchy all the time like me.

7. You just have to find your passion


Unfortunately, most people don’t have one. Most people will go through life without ever really finding anything they’re good at, let alone finding their “passion”.

The truth is that “passion” is one of those words which has transcended definition. It’s a word like “compulsion” which people basically use in order to justify doing something they shouldn’t have. You might have had a “compulsion” to buy the X-Files boxset and watch every episode instead of going to work. Maybe your “passion” is playing video games while you eat Pringles out of the can. Good luck paying your bills with that. These are both stupid, fairytale words which people believe will magically afford them a career – if they can just find out what it is.

8. Money can’t buy happiness


I’m sure there are people out there who are happy and poor, however I’ve never seen anyone cry in a Jacuzzi.

9. Respect your elders


Charles Manson, 82 – cult leader
Ian Brady, 79 – child murderer
Bradford Bishop, 80 – currently on FBI’s Most Wanted List
Rupert Murdoch, 86 – asshole
Robert Durst, 73 – murderer, possible serial killer

It irritates me when people show respect to the elderly simply because they’re still alive. Old people don’t magically become lovable the moment they become old. If a person is miserable, shitty and evil when they’re middle aged, chances are they’re going to be the same when they’re old.

Age can only be a barometer for levels of respect if you’ve used your lifespan to become a better person. If you haven’t figured out how to be happy by the time you’ve reached 70 then you probably never will. Old people should be shot at birth.

More of Joe and his world-hating shit can be found at

My childhood bedroom

I found this photo today, of the bedroom I had when I was 5:

childhood bedroom main

It’s a much better bedroom than the one I currently have, which is full of Alex’s pants.

Because the alternative is sitting here scratching myself, I’m going to examine what made this bedroom so great. And then I’m going to sit here scratching myself.

Bluebird Market Stall

market stall

This was my main present the Christmas before. On one side was a fruit and veg stall, full of quality produce at low low prices; on the other side was ‘Hamburger Heaven’, a fast food joint. No one ever phoned me on that phone.

I loved this to death, but clearly I could have taken better care of it. Seriously, what kind of quality produce emporium has the roof missing? I’d also lost all the quality produce by this point, leaving me to terrorise my family into buying some stones I’d found on the drive outside.

Care Bears wallpaper


Because I was a girl, I had fucking girly wallpaper. This was later to be replaced with ‘Victoria Plum’ and ‘Snatch’ décor, until I was a teenager, and decorated my room with old cereal bowls, Radiohead posters and the smell of misery.

Rainbow poster

rainbow poster

Of course. Of fucking course. This came free with Rainbow Comic, and features Detective Zippy, The Great Georgio, and a terrifying Bungle with muscles.



At least half of these will be Rainbow annuals. Non-Rainbow fare includes these two:

parson dimly

And countless ‘Read It Yourself’ and Puddle Lane books. My parents never minded buying me books – because I was good at reading for my age, they were convinced I was some kind of super genius. I soon proved them wrong.

Soft toys

soft toys

I had billions of these, thanks to our seemingly never-ending holidays to Ingoldmells, Scarborough or similar. My dad was brilliant at grab machines, so we always came home with 37,000 knock off teddies that were probably full of nails and gas. Of particular note is the phallic Mickey Mouse on the right. There are also a couple of Pink Panther knock-offs with beards.

And speaking of knock-offs…



Some kind of Dusty Bin/Ninja Turtles hybrid. I think my mum won this at the Telly Bingo. This probably wasn’t her first choice of prize, but I was obsessed with Turtles at the time, so I’m guessing I threatened to shit on the floor or something unless she got me it.

As an adult, I can see that the poor thing’s eyes are glued to the outside of its headband.

10 mildly annoying things

10 mildly annoying things

Are you annoyed? No? Don’t worry, I can help with that. If you fancy getting just the right amount of annoyed (for example, if you want to be able to kick something quite hard), then take a look at this list. Also contains solutions, for when you want to stop being annoyed. I’ve tried them, but to be honest they don’t work and I mostly just end up being annoyed until I fall asleep.

1: Slow motion eating in adverts

slow eating woman

I do not want to see that food go in your mouth, and mix with your spit and probably last night’s jizz. Normal people eat at 360mph – start doing that instead please.

Solution: Watch the advert on fast forward. Watch all the other adverts on fast forward too, because they’re mostly shit.

2: Getting a hair on you and you can’t get it off


This normally occurs when you’re doing something that requires not having a stray hair floating about, such as the washing up, or open heart surgery.

Solution: Shave your head and entire body.

3: Seeing a ‘bit’ on the carpet when you’re trying to watch TV

carpet bit

And you just know that you won’t be able to concentrate on ‘Celebrity Anal Vasectomies’ until you’ve picked the bit up.

Solution: Move house. Try to get somewhere without floors next time.

4: Someone saying “It’s ok” after you apologise even though THEY bumped into YOU.

sorry not sorry

Making you immediately start questioning what just happened. Did you actually bump into them? What if… oh wait no, they’re still just a fat ignorant dick who’s pulled you into their gravitational orbit.

Solution: Kick them up the arse. Wait for them to apologise. Bonus points if you make them drop their shopping.

5: Only strawberry ones left in a tub of Quality Street

quality street

This is assuming you don’t know any of those freaks who like the strawberry ones.

Solution: There’s actually quite a decent recipe to try when you have this problem:

Put all unused chocolates in a blender (unwrap them first you fucking idiot)

Add 1 cup milk, ½ cup cocoa powder (unsweetened)

Blend for 30 seconds

Throw the mix down the sink, and have a Wispa.

6: Jeans are too tight because you’ve just taken them out of the dryer

mini jeans

Bonus annoying thing: all the metal bits are hotter than the sun.

Solution: Don’t wash your jeans. What the fuck are you washing your jeans for anyway? Who do you think you are, the Queen?

7: People saying “Feel free to…”

feel free

As in “Feel free to check out my shit blog that no one wants to read anyway, and which would only benefit me and not you.” Thanks, because otherwise I might not have felt welcome over at your shit blog.

I realise being mad at other people for having a shit blog is hypocrisy on my part.

Anyway – “feel free to do me this favour that doesn’t benefit you in any way.”

Solution: Ask them at least 10 times: “Are you sure it’s ok if I read your shit blog? Are you sure you’re sure?” Ask them another 20 times just to be extra sure.

8: Clickbait that doesn’t contain the thing in the advert


I realise this is most clickbait, and that it’s my fault for bothering, but it’s especially bad when I attempt to read a thought-provoking piece like “7 celebrities who had their skulls removed for charity”, only to discover I’m actually reading “Red hot women in Dudley want to fuck you now.” They really don’t.

Solution: Meet up with one of the red hot women from Dudley, and see what she has to say for herself. Don’t let her off the hook until she can name “7 celebrities who’ve had their skulls removed for charity”.

9: People standing too close to you


Normally found in queues, crowds, and wherever the fuck I choose to stand. Not sure if these people are trying to steal my DNA. They normally smell and are called Alan.

Solution: Start scratching yourself and shout “Those bastard fleas are back!” Alternatively, start a small fire.

10: ‘Fun’


People having ‘fun’ on TV that’s no such thing. It isn’t fun to keep your arms above your head for hours at a time, unless you’re training for Gladiators.

See also: splashing each other’s eyes in a pool, laughing hysterically while looking at a shoe, fucking Salsa fucking lessons.

Solution: Try not to have any fun ever. And if you see those women doing that arm dance, aim the fire extinguisher at them.

16 memories of old technology

Hello. The other night I couldn’t sleep, mostly due to my depression and the inevitability of death. So to cheer myself up, I compiled a mental list of old electronics and assorted bric a brac (mental as in ‘in my head’, not ‘insane’. To tell the truth, it was both).

Anyway, here’s what I came up with:

My dad’s Psion Organiser


I used it more than he did, because it had a cartridge with a game on it. In the days before having any friends or interests, I loved that game. A thing would move around the screen and you had to stop it, I think.

Also, endless fun to be had from the ‘Lang’, ‘Calc’ and ‘Diary’ functions. No one needed the fucking internet back then.

Bright orange headphones


Nothing says ‘I’m cool as hell’ more than having ginger biscuits taped to your ears while you listen to Five Star.

Wanting an electronic typewriter because I wanted to be like Snoopy


Never mind the fact that Snoopy never had an electronic typewriter. But fuck that, because I knew that if a dog could make a fortune writing ‘It was a dark and stormy night’, then I could make a fortune writing the shit I write now. I was very wrong.

Spelling out ‘BOOBIES’ on a calculator


Never gets old. Somehow, typing out ‘BOOBIES’ in MS Word doesn’t have quite the same rebellious appeal.

Bossa Nova button


See also: Marimba, Big Band 4, Clavichord.

My Discman skipping every time the car went over a bump


Or – my Radiohead albums being ruined by going over speed bumps near Worksop. Rock ‘n’ roll.

Video Library fake books


Who exactly were these people they were trying to fool? “Oh, You have loads of books! I love books, let me examine them. A ha, I see you have the entire works of Video Library, that well known author.” No. This was for people who were ashamed of the fact that they liked to watch loads of Minder.

Being desperate for a pocket TV


So I could watch ‘forbidden’ TV like American Gladiators, while hiding under the quilt. The fact that I had the black and white portable TV in my bedroom, and fell asleep at about 9 p.m., spoiled this sense of mystique.

People with ghetto blasters


If you saw one, you were to run away immediately, because they were hard and a ‘no good punk’. You never saw one though, because you lived in Doncaster.

Cassette carousels


For easy access to tapes such as ‘Baby Come Back’ by UB40 and Pato Banton, Gala’s ‘Freed From Desire’, and my dad’s Shadows albums.

Woolworths singles


See above. Also, I think we can all agree on how horrified we were to buy ‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo, only to discover that the song was lying to us.

It is now safe to turn off your computer


It has never been safe since, which is why I don’t dare come off Twitter or stupid crap slots games. Ever.

Messing about with the video like you have a clue what’s going on


As if you dicking about with the ‘Dub’ and ‘Edit’ buttons did anything at all, apart from make the video recorder go off.





Surprisingly little exists about PlayJam, the competitor to Sky Games. I mean, it might do now, but I couldn’t be bothered to look. Contained brilliantly addictive games like ‘Outpatients’, ‘Nutz’, and ‘Bok’.

Honourable mention – Challenge TV red button games, which included ‘String ‘Em In’ and ‘Tactiles’. More information on Playjam/Challenge Games is always welcome.

Renting Mega Drive games


Every week a guy came round, and we’d rent Space Jam, Ecco The Dolphin or similar from him. My parents wouldn’t buy me any permanent games because I was rubbish at them. Take they typical conversation I had with my mum or dad every time the guy came to take the cartridges back and I hadn’t finished:

“Never mind, you might get that last jump next time.”

“No, because you turned the TV over to Brookside when I was just about to finally do it for the only time ever, you whore.”

“Bed. Now.”

Trying to see German porn on Sky


On channels like RTL, courtesy of the Astra satellite. Squinting enough always convinced you that you were seeing the sex going on. In reality, you had to make do with the European noises coming from the TV, which you couldn’t even fucking hear anyway, because you had the sound turned down to 1 because your parents were in bed.