You know what every little girl wants? They want to be taught the finer points of creating a fucking Tinder profile. Someone has finally decided to address this issue in handy game form, and the result is ‘Princess Tinder Wars’.
I’m not sure this game is official canon.
Continue reading “Let’s play Princess Tinder Wars: Elsa has herpes”
In the olden days, kids used to have things called ‘hobbies’.
A ‘hobby’ is loosely defined as ‘an activity your parents order you to do because they’re sick of you running round yelling when they’re trying to watch Spender’.
If left to my own devices, my hobbies would have included the following:
- picking my nose
- mixing all the shampoos in the bathroom together to make ‘magic potions’
- forward rolls
- saying ‘willies’ then laughing uncontrollably because this is hilarious
This wasn’t enough for my parents, who endlessly strived for excellence on my behalf. As such, I was bought various improving activities to do, despite the fact that my parents had met me.
Let’s have a look, courtesy of the 1992 Index catalogue my parents seemed to use as their own personal Harrods, at the various ways parents tried to shut their kids up for half an hour.
What Index said: “Create beautiful designs at the turn of a wheel. Mix and match each outfit, rub the outline through, colour it in and cut it out.”
Reality: Rub across the entire wheel with your orange crayon because you’ve lost all your other crayons, ending up with a design for an obese hi-vis vest. Still feel like Vivienne Westwood. Cut out hi-vis vest, become confused when it won’t magically attach itself to your Barbie and has to be sellotaped on. Barbie now looks like shit. Continue reading “Arts and crafts in 1992”
Hello. How are you? I am fine. Hoping this finds you as it leaves me. Recently the mister and I have been binge-watching Coronation Street from the 80s. If you’re wondering, this has been accompanied by lots of tea and lard – the food of my people. It has also been accompanied by a load of booze, because how else were we going to do really banging Mavis impressions?
Anyway, we watched so much Coronation Street that we came up with a shit drinking game, here for your perusal. The rules of the game are as follows – have a drink whenever any of the following occur. Alternatively, have a drink whenever you realise you’re sat there watching old Coronation Street on Youtube instead of making loads of money, which you should be doing at your age. Then cry a bit. Then eat lard, which makes everything better.
– Mike Baldwin orders a large scotch. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a large scotch.) Rita orders a vodka and tonic. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a vodka and tonic.) Emily Bishop orders a tomato juice. (Drink literally anything that isn’t tomato juice. Please.)
– People only ever refer to Billy Walker as “Billywalker”. Bonus drink if he even refers to himself as “Billywalker”. I presume his full name is ‘Billywalker Walker’.
– Mavis says “I DON’T REALLY KNOW!”. Fun fact 1 – she never fucking says this. Fun fact 2 – I think she does say this once. See if you can spot it (10 bonus drinks if spotted). Fun fact 3 – despite joining the Coronation Street cast in 2014, Les Dennis has never played Mavis.
– You find yourself saying – out loud – “I love Derek and Mavis. I want one.” At this point, also stop drinking.
– You see this fucking thing behind Rita:
Bonus drink if you find out where it went.
– Someone goes upstairs/on holiday and IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
– You really want to go into that mysterious back room in the Kabin, to buy all the ‘records’ and ‘videos’, because you’re sure they sell porn in there. On record. You’ve probably had quite a lot to drink by this point. Continue reading “The 1983 – 1988 Coronation Street drinking game”
I love beige. Obviously, anyone who doesn’t love beige should be shunned for being an individual. And because I am a woman one, I also love things like wallpaper, shopping, and shopping for wallpaper. I know this to be true because I read it on some website once.
Fun fact: since 1960, people have put up wallpaper in order to stop their walls becoming portals to hell.
Anyway, I figured I’d review some beige wallpaper. Because, you know.
Graham & Brown Superfresco Colour Aaron Decorative Wallpaper Beige
This is good because it says on the Wickes website how to put it up (paste the paper). This is ideal for people who hadn’t yet figured that out.
Aside from that, this wallpaper has a lot going for it. It’s beige, which I like because that website said I do, it sticks to the wall (I assume), and it doesn’t provoke ‘nam flashbacks like Homebase ‘Nam Flashback Red’.
Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: George Clooney, that one off London’s Burning, Rene Descartes.
Did I ever tell you about the time my sister shit up the wall? Continue reading “Reviewing beige wallpaper”
Everyone knows Barbie can’t hold down a job for more than a day. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following –
- Having sex with the boss on the first day
- Being dim
- Lacking flexible limbs
- Office politics
- That time she threatened to cut that woman
The point is that Barbie has had some tough breaks over the years, but that has never dampened her entrepreneurial spirit. Like a well-worn rag, she dusts herself off and gets back on the horse. Which is a shame, because Barbie’s horse can’t really go anywhere on account of not being alive.
Anyway, let’s take a look back at some of Barbie’s less widely remembered jaunts into the world of work… Continue reading “The lesser-known careers of Barbie”
Tough guys in the 80s and 90s: for whatever reason it was important that we looked and acted like Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and the criminals of the day, despite being eight years old and the owner of a My Little Pony lunchbox.
At our school, it was imperative that we gave the impression of A) not giving a fuck what anyone thought of us (especially teachers) and B) being able to roundhouse kick anyone in the school into the middle of next week. It also helped if we could project the aura of someone who carried guns, and who had the Hell’s Angels on speed-dial (assuming our mums let us use the phone).
Because we were all idiots, we used to take our cues from the popular tv shows and movies of the day, thinking that if we just copied whatever punk, tough guy or shit gang member (I’m looking at you Los Locos) was on the screen at the time, then their street cred would rub off on us. If we acted like them and did the following things, then our enemies would run and hide in a bin when they saw us coming.
It never worked. All that happened was that we either got laughed at or told off by grown ups.
1. Dyeing your hair
Where we lived, only troublemakers and yobbos dyed their hair. Any colour that wasn’t the regulation black, brown, blonde or ginger marked you out as the sort of person that shoplifted and had run-ins with the fuzz. In reality, the yobbos were more likely to sit around listening to vinyl and looking all sad, but we weren’t to know that. Continue reading “12 things that made you look hard as a kid”
The other night I was reading the 1979 Whizzer and Chips annual, when a story called “Whizz Wheels” caught my eye.
Normally I don’t read the ‘action’ stories, preferring to skip straight to more light hearted fare like Fuss Pot and Beat Your Neighbour. But something about this story told me to stop and read it. I’m glad I did, because now I’m obsessed with it. Naturally I had to share it with you guys, and I think you will all be better people for it.
So join me, intrepid reader, for a tale of crime, intrigue, and penny farthings…
“This is Tommy Wheels, known as ‘Whizz’ to his pals”. Really? Tommy Wheels? This is the biggest load of nominative determinism since I changed my name to ‘Sitting On The Settee Scratching Myself’.
I like to think Tommy Wheels secretly really hates bikes, but he’s under enormous pressure from his friends and family to be some kind of bike nut. Maybe Tommy would really like a horse, but he can’t have a horse because horses don’t have wheels. Also – “Your dad rode bikes, and I’m fucked if you’re going to shame this family by not riding bikes.” Continue reading “Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever”