Shit Days Out For Kids

Shit Days Out For Kids

When I was a kid, I had a list of places I’d rather have gouged my own eyes out than visited. But because my parents hated me, they made me go to them every fucking Saturday. And they wouldn’t let me gouge my eyes out, even just for something to do.

Because I can’t get back to sleep and I’ve got nothing better to do, let’s relive these childhood traumas together.

Caravan Showrooms

CV1

Not technically rooms, but I can’t be arsed to look up the proper word. Sue me. Anyway, gravel infested squares of hell. Continue reading “Shit Days Out For Kids”

The 15 Best Drunk Fighting Moves

The 15 Best Drunk Fighting Moves

Since we’re all stuck at home and forced to do shit like hobbies and learning, why not use this time to brush up on your fighting skills?

Sometimes, the classic moves such as ‘nipping’, ‘shin kicking’ and ‘running away’ do not always work if your goal is to look like the supreme badass of the universe. So my number one fighting tip to you is ‘get hammered off your tits before having a fight’. That way, you will acquire all the skill and grace needed to become a seasoned fighting champion. Continue reading “The 15 Best Drunk Fighting Moves”

Mum’s On The Council: The world’s most boring comic strip

Mum’s On The Council: The world’s most boring comic strip

Consider the following. It’s 1970, and you’re reading your big bollocks annual full of comics, puzzles, and for some reason, jokes about Aston Villa. The boys are treated to exciting tales of derring-do, explosions, space battles and hard boiled private detectives.

Meanwhile, if you were reading the Diana For Girls annual, you got this:

council title

I suppose it makes a change from tights and bra shit and ’12 ways with pom poms’, but still.

Anyway, because I am a sociopath, I’m going to make you guys read ‘Mum’s on the council’ along with me, in excruciating detail. Continue reading “Mum’s On The Council: The world’s most boring comic strip”

A look through the 1986 V annual

A look through the 1986 V annual

Right, I don’t know much about V, I’ve never watched it, but I do know it’s a show about evil mind-altering aliens that take over the world, and was written as an allegory of Nazi Germany. Given this, it seems like an odd choice to release a tie-in annual filled with comics, jokes and wordsearches. Yet here we are.

1

This was sent to me by one of my more awesome readers, Fox (@Flamekebab), under the assumption that I would somehow write something intelligent about it. I did no such thing. Instead, I knobbed around laughing at the illustrations, having a crack at the board game (because of course there’s a board game in there), and then I ate a whole tub of ice cream. Continue reading “A look through the 1986 V annual”

Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels

Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels

Look what Alex bought me from the charity shop:

books

I’ll be honest – initially, Alex was more excited than I was. I was mostly just confused and I needed a piss.

First thought: Why has he bought me a novelisation of Barb Wire?

Second thought: There’s a novelisation of Barb Wire?

Third thought: I still need a piss.

Eagle eyed readers will spot that he also bought RoboCop, Knight Rider, and the best Batman film. I’ll get to those. Continue reading “Exploding Dicks: 4 Stupid Action Movie Novels”

Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates

Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates

If humanity can learn one thing from history, it’s that people used to be really shit at drawing. This is especially true when it comes to royal commemorative plates.

Do you remember when BBC News interviewed that random taxi driver instead of the proper guest? I suspect something similar kept happening during the reign of William and Mary, when it was time to design royal plates.

“You there! Tally ho, you’re late! You better start cracking on with your design.”

“Cor blimey guv, I’m just the local dead body removal man.”

“None of your lip what ho, here’s a felt tip, now get to work!”

wm4 Continue reading “Boobs And MS Paint: Shit Royal Plates”