Your lunch box: a guide

Your lunch box: a guide

These days my lunch tends to be coffee and cigarettes, and doesn’t require a lunch box. That’s good, because packed lunches aren’t what they used to be, thanks to terrible inventions like cheeze ztringz and ‘lunch bags’ (which are absolutely no use in a fight).

If you want to do a proper packed lunch, you need to follow my handy and informative guide to not doing it like a div. That way, you can take your rightful place in the hall, sitting around those gold metal water jugs.

Now then.

Lunch box

RB lunch box

The cartoon or heartthrob of the day was the best thing to have on your lunch box, although there was an unwritten rule in our school which meant having a Take That lunch box would get you branded a ‘girl’. Even if you were a girl, this was unacceptable. Continue reading “Your lunch box: a guide”

Our new cat overlords and the pet shop from hell

Our new cat overlords and the pet shop from hell

I found this in the 1973 Playhour annual, which I own because I am cool and hard. I wanted to share it with you guys because it makes, at best, 4% sense.

It is a double page art entitled NUM-NUM AND THE PUSS-CATS VISIT A PET SHOP.

Click the picture for a larger version. Have holy water ready.

num num large

I have all sorts of conflicting feelings about this fresco, which I will share with you in this academic essay. Continue reading “Our new cat overlords and the pet shop from hell”

A review of 80s and 90s booze

A review of 80s and 90s booze

You know what’s a lot of fun? Getting pissed to block out the pain. It’s one of Britain’s oldest traditions, along with queuing and tutting.

These days, I tend to stick to hipster gin and nice wine, because I am a twat. Back in the day, though, the world of alcohol was a wonderful and mysterious one. Adults would get together to drink these brightly coloured potions that transformed them from sad to happy to sad again, only more sad than before. Also they smoked ciggies and talked about “Alan who did you-know-what with the Avon lady”.

Meanwhile, the kids would be banished to the corner of the room, with our She Ra figures and our Panda Pops, trying to hear the adults’ conversation because you knew they were going to say ‘willy’ at some point, because that’s what adults say.

I’m getting a bit off topic here. The point is that there was some interesting booze knocking about when I was younger. Granted, these days we have ‘hand-pissed violet and beef gin’, but does that have Lorraine Chase advertising it? It does not.



Let’s begin with a classic – one of the first alcopops, which meant 13 (cough I mean 18) year olds like me didn’t have to drink stuff that tasted like Chanel No. 5. Continue reading “A review of 80s and 90s booze”

My favourite skeletons

My favourite skeletons

People who are scared of skeletons are idiots. Skeletons are awesome, not least because they make a xylophone noise when they run. I like skeletons so much that we have a life size one in our spare room. His name is Juan and he wears a Santa hat. I’m not going to answer any further questions.

Also – I don’t want to alarm you, but you might have a skeleton living in your body right now.

Anyway, instead of doing the washing up I’ve decided to write a list of my favourite skeletons.

Papyrus (Undertale)

papyrus prepared

To which everyone immediately replies “But what about Sans!?!”. Fuck off. Sans is too good and I can’t beat him. His brother, on the other hand, was nice enough to go on a date with me even though he didn’t like me that way, and consistently fails to do the ‘Junior Jumble’ puzzle in the paper. He goes round in homemade fancy dress, and only wants to capture you so he can make some friends. Don’t get me started on his ‘Cool Dude’ t-shirt. Continue reading “My favourite skeletons”