Tugs: Threads for the under 5s

Tugs: Threads for the under 5s

Lads, what the fuck did I just watch. I remember late 80s ITV show Tugs being a happy little Thomas The Tank Engine-style show about boats, not a drug-fuelled episode of 999 with Michael Buerk, narrated by the voice of Protect and Survive.

There we were, quite happily watching old episodes of Lucky Ladders, and trying to work out which of the contestants was having sex with Lenny Bennett that week, when Tugs came up on the related videos. Why this happened remains a mystery for the ages.

“Let’s watch Tugs,” said Alex. “It’ll be great.”

Despite it looking a bit like a VT from Look Around You, I figured I owed Alex for making him watch every episode of The Shoe People ever made.

“I think this episode got banned,” he said. I ignored him, because that’s what I do, and because I’d just spilled lemonade on my tit.

Right, the general premise of Tugs is that there are a load of boats, and they all somehow have faces. This one, for example:

Continue reading “Tugs: Threads for the under 5s”

Crap Comedy: A sequel

Crap Comedy: A sequel

Lads, my second book is out soon:

“On the run from Andi Peters and QVC following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to attend the Edinburgh Fringe with her best friend Joanne, and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful hippy stand up show (“If doctors are so good, how come they never use rose quartz. Am I right?”) Melissa partakes in the delights and horrors of pretentious student shows, ‘street typing’, accidentally starting queues, arguments about Brian Clough, and the fact that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tins.

Perhaps she was better off in the hands of the Teleshopping Mafia…

Excerpts from Crap Comedy:

“If the phone rings again I’m going to steal a car and run myself over with it.”

“I start wandering away from the city centre, and the billions of people trying to tell me about ‘free five star comedy’ yet again. When will these fuckers learn that I hate them and wish for them all to be bummed to death by Les Dennis.”

“That’s it. That’s fucking it. Today is not going well. I’ve been rained on, and shouted at by a man in a dress, and then I had all my money stolen, and now the King of the Hipsters is sitting here typing specifically to mess with me and annoy me. I march up to him, feeling like it’s a boss fight.”

“Dear Mr Peters,

I am writing to complain about your shoddy lack of customer care. As the Prime Minister of QVC, you should have known that I didn’t really want to buy a YoNanas, and you should have sent me something I did want, such as your delicious pies.

“I nearly crack my head open on a beam within three seconds of entering this bar. It’s a repurposed coal hole.

“What’s this place called again?”

“The Dictator’s Dick.”

Crap Comedy, coming very very soon to many places that sell books.

The first book, Crap Holiday, is here.

Model’s Vanity Set: I feel pretty already

Model’s Vanity Set: I feel pretty already

So, this is a thing I own:

Don’t ask me why I own this – the answer is ‘because I’m a bit stupid’.

Back in the day, this was a must for every girl who wanted to make herself beautiful, before a hard day’s running round yelling, using the trundle wheel, or nipping boys.

I can confirm that ownership of this as a fat middle-aged woman does not make me feel beautiful. Maybe I will once we’ve examined the contents.

Play tissue box, Model’s perfume

Fun fact – the girl on the ‘play tissue box’ is probably on HRT now. Or she would be if she weren’t a painting. It will surprise nobody to know that there is no perfume in that bottle. I’ll have to just imagine what models smell like. Probably Hula Hoops, TCP and old pants.

‘Model’s’

These are mysterious. Model’s what? Further thought has narrowed it down to the following:

  • Model’s piss
  • Model’s monosodium glutomate
  • Model’s gin to make her feel radiant

Whatever they are I’d better figure it out soon if I want to be a model.

Compact, Lipstick

There’s no mirror in this compact, not even a shit one made of foil. They must have known I wouldn’t want to look at myself. As for the lipstick, if you think I’m putting that anywhere near my mouth after it’s been hanging round in that packet for two decades, you are wrong. Actually that’s a fib, but there’s no point and I’m lazy.

Necklace, Comb

To finish off, we have things to beautify your hair and neck. Considering both are about the size of a Hobnob, I’m not going to try using them. This is a blow, because it means I can’t make myself feel beautiful after all. Not that plastic lipstick and ‘model’s piss’ would necessarily have helped anyway.

Fin.

My new book’s out soon lads, click here to have a look at my first one

Let’s make a Gonk (sort of)

Let’s make a Gonk (sort of)

Hi gang, today we’re making this load of shit, from the Ladybird Book of Making a Load of Shit.

1

I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what a Gonk is. it seems to be one of those mythical things everyone had in the past, like Chopper bikes and scurvy. Attempts at research resulted in me getting loads of adverts like this:

emma watson

 

So all I’ve really got to go on is that picture of a shoddy Ron Jeremy action figure.

Here is what you’ll need if you’re making one along at home. You’re not though are you. You’re sat reading this while drinking lager, and laughing at me attempting to make a shit Gonk.

you will need Continue reading “Let’s make a Gonk (sort of)”

Stupid Video Game Box Art: Football Edition

Stupid Video Game Box Art: Football Edition

You know what sucks? I can’t whinge about Leeds never winning anything now. That’s OK, because I have a long list of complaints I like to entertain people with. These include, but are not limited to:

– Itchy bum
– It’s too bastard hot
– Why are the adverts so loud
– Vernon Kay

Anyway, even though it’s now deprived me of one of my favourite pastimes, I thought I’d celebrate a successful season by taking you through the finest football box art on offer. Spoiler alert – only one of these features Kevin Keegan. Double spoiler alert – don’t worry, I didn’t forget to include Peter Beardsley.

European Football Champ

European Football Champ-01

This looks fine until you study it for more that six seconds. Consider the following: None of these people are playing football, or are attempting to play football. Even the man who’s supposed to be kicking the ball is nowhere fucking near it. The rest of the players have decided to use this time to settle their differences via a series of unrelated fights. The one exception to this is the guy lying on the floor, who just wanted to play football god damn it, and now he’s crying.

And one person in the crowd has brought a hundred balloons with them, maybe as part of a tax dodge.

Continue reading “Stupid Video Game Box Art: Football Edition”

An update on my Patreon

An update on my Patreon

Hi gang, just wanted to give you all an update on changes I’m going to be making to my Patreon (this won’t affect any existing patrons except for the top tier, who I’ve spoken to already).

Anyway, long story short is I’ve had to suspend my top Patreon tier for the time being, due to shops being shut. Given this, I figured I’d shake up my tiers a bit. I am nothing if not exciting.

I’m going to add a new $1 tier (probably called Rod, as Rod is a gigachad) that you can back if you just want to support my stuff. The $5 tier (Bungle) will still get access to the archive, videos, and in the very near future, some exclusive articles. The new highest tier (George, $15) will carry on getting everything, including exclusive Rainbow comics.

Thank you so much to everyone currently backing me, it means so much; it means I can (with enough budgeting) work full time on my books. I’m spending every waking hour on my next book (and the World of Crap Annual), and after that I’ll be free to shit out content at a much faster rate. Bear with me, and thank you again guys xxx

If you’d like to support my stuff, your support is really welcome xx

Stupid VIC-20 Box Art

Stupid VIC-20 Box Art

Recently, Alex has been acquiring some old games (completely above board, don’t even worry about it). Anyway, because I’m stupid and a div, naturally I’m more interested in the boxes than in playing any of the games. This is especially true of the Commodore VIC-20, with its enchanting selection of oil paintings, terrifying memes, and pictures done in an Etch a Sketch.

Join me on a magical journey of racist eggs, sex pests, and bottles of piss…

Bandits

bandits

“Help, help! This… TV is trying to steal my… fruit. No officer, I’ve only had a few ales…”

Continue reading “Stupid VIC-20 Box Art”

Kill It With Fire: Terrifying Fancy Dress

Kill It With Fire: Terrifying Fancy Dress

Have you ever needed to dress up for a children’s party, London Marathon or similar, but have ended up thinking ‘I wish I could scare the shit out of some people while I’m doing this’? Well, I’ve got you covered.

Cheap and cheerful is the theme of today’s post, as we have a look through the best budget mascots – perfect for thrifty people who have never seen the original in their entire fucking lives.

Hello Kitty

hello kitty

If you look into its eyes hard enough, you can see the actual physical manifestation of ‘despair’. Nice pointy arms though, handy for stabbing unruly children. Continue reading “Kill It With Fire: Terrifying Fancy Dress”

Some weird Mr T shit I found

Some weird Mr T shit I found

You know who loves Mr T? Everyone. You know who else loves Mr T? Shoddy merchandise companies in the 80s. And, for some reason, Aston Villa (I’ll get to that).

Since you’ve got nothing better to do, why not have a look at some cool, hard and rad Mr T stuff with me? And when you’ve finished doing that, remember to eat right and stay in school, or whatever.

Literature

mr t book

Such as this classic, ‘The Best Bike Ever’. I’ve never managed to actually read this book, mainly because I’ve never bothered buying a copy. However, we can deduce from the cover that the story is about Mr T nicking some girl’s bike.

He looks so pleased with himself. Continue reading “Some weird Mr T shit I found”