World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens

World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens

Today we are going to sit down and decide, once and for all, which pens are brilliant and which are shit. I’m doing you this service, an enormous cost to myself, so you can decide which pen to write your masterpiece with.

I was going to rank these pens in order, but have decided not to, for two reasons:

1: There are too many different kinds of pens on this list.

2: I can’t be bothered.

With that in mind, let’s crack on…

4 colour biro

4 colour

Do you remember 1928, when we all went around with four separate biros stuffed in our front pockets? And, because it was 1928, they weren’t stuffed in our front pockets, but in our aprons and top hats. I assume.

Then someone invented a way to spend less time carrying separate biros around, so we had more time to concentrate on having scurvy and the plague. Continue reading “World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens”

An essay on sexy cat food adverts

An essay on sexy cat food adverts

Thanks to Patrick Heaviside for giving me this stupid idea in the first place.

You know what it’s like. The cat’s nagging you because you haven’t fed it for a week. So you feed the cat, and then it starts talking like Fenella Fielding and decides it wants to do sex with you. Happens every Saturday.

NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T.

This is the main reason I’ve been collecting various cat food adverts to share with you. While dogs are either cockneys (wrong) or talk like the dog from that credit score advert (right), cats are apparently always after some. Not only that, but the owners seem to want some sexy doings with the cat, and no one bats an eyelid. Continue reading “An essay on sexy cat food adverts”

The indoor market: a field guide

The indoor market: a field guide

It’s a Saturday sometime in 1992. Because you’ve been hard at work all week writing about dinosaurs and using the trundle wheel, you deserve a day off, right? Do you balls. What you shall instead be required to do is accompany your parents on a day out to Wakefield, Goole or similar. This is because they want to look at different kinds of cushion covers (mother) and wires in Tandy (father).

At some point during your excursion, you will be dragged along to the indoor market. This is mostly so your mother can tut at the quality of the meat. An official complaint to the ombusdman (father) yields nothing, as he wants to look at tapes. Therefore, an hour of your Saturday afternoon is taken up with trudging round, not really being able to see any of the stalls, and having to take your parents’ word for it that “there aren’t any toys, they don’t sell them here”.

Now that I’m an adult, I love to visit indoor markets. This is because I am now boring and lame, but also because indoor markets are awesome. The main reason I love indoor markets is you never quite know what you’re going to find in them. Our local one, for example, has three stalls selling hi-vis vests, a Chinese medicine place, and a retro game stall. Also a stall with the following:

– so much porcelain crap that bits of it fall on the floor and smash whenever someone walks past
– three Elvis t-shirts
– puzzle books with the free pens missing Continue reading “The indoor market: a field guide”

Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house

Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house

A little while ago I wrote about a bunch of odd things I found on the internet, or lurking on my hard drive.

And by “a little while ago”, I meant yesterday, or three and a half years ago. I’m not much for set deadlines.

But as it turns out, the inked-in-blood contract I signed with Jenny had some fine print. Apparently if I don’t write a follow-up, she gets my immortal soul.

She also gets my DVD of SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which I consider a lot more valuable, and slightly less worn out.

So guess what, we’re going back for a second look at whatever the hell I find today. I’ll even add helpfully descriptive headings this time. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house”

Stupid horror VHS covers

Stupid horror VHS covers

When I was a kid, I’d spend many a happy Friday evening at the video shop, trying to sneak a peek at the videos that weren’t meant for my 6 year old eyes, before my mother caught me and dragged me off to look at Huckleberry Hound videos.

Apart from staring in amused incomprehension at The Lovers’ Guide, the main attraction was the horror section. This was because horror movies always had the most interesting covers. I never really understood what was supposed to be going on in the films, but I knew it was probably something quite naughty.

As an adult, horror covers look less terrifying than they used to, and mostly as if they were made by divs. I’m building up a pretty good collection of the best examples, so let’s have a look through some super duper scary classics. In keeping with tradition, I’m just going to try and guess what the plot of the film is.

Disclaimer: none of these are as good as the imaginary film I dreamed about, called ‘Bum Dracula’.

Ghost House

vhs1

The plot: That girl is angry because she’s been touching one of those science balls and it’s made her hair go like that. Maybe the house is a ghost? Continue reading “Stupid horror VHS covers”

My 90s pencil tin: a tribute

My 90s pencil tin: a tribute

Do you want to hear a heartwarming and inspiring story? Last year, I managed to buy my childhood pencil tin off Ebay. My pride and joy at junior school was an oversized Jelly Babies pencil tin, and I’d spent years and years searching for another one. Finally, my search was at an end, and I paid seven whole quid for a Jelly Babies tin. Hurrah! I was so happy.

But then… it got LOST IN THE POST.

My reaction:

spongebob sad

Imagine, if you will, sad music playing while I wander along a street in the rain, pausing only to look in brightly lit windows and watch happy crowds of people, all with pencil tins. It was a tough time.

Gradually I recovered, and even started to forget about my tin. It seemed I’d never own it, and was destined to wander the earth tinless.

But then…

IMG_20190102_174241690

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT! Continue reading “My 90s pencil tin: a tribute”