The shelf of shit

The shelf of shit

It’s occurred to me that I’ve become a hoarder. However, I’ve become a hoarder of awesome stuff, so there’s no need for me to go on one of those TV shows where they wee in a shoe and cook with a candle because they need to own all the copies of Railway Enthusiast ever published.

I like to think of myself as a curator rather than a hoarder. Hoarding is for people like my other half, which is why we have a box full of old phone chargers that “we might need one day”. If we ever invent time travel and really, really need to charge a phone to, I don’t know, text the boy band A1.

Anyway, I’ve decided to gather some of my best objets d’art and display them on a shelf, so you can look at them and go “hmmmm”, as if you were in a real museum, and not sat at home looking at my shit blog.

I present – the shelf of shit!

shelf of shit

OK, I’ll comment on each section. I’ve numbered them, but if you can’t figure out which ones I’m referring to, you’re a bit of a div. Continue reading “The shelf of shit”

A girls’ night in with the Echo Falls Girls’ Night In kit

A girls’ night in with the Echo Falls Girls’ Night In kit

Lads, I’ve had an idea, and it’s going to be great. Look what I got at the supermarket:

IMG_20190221_214151

It’s a super fun Girls’ Night In kit, and I’m going to use it to have a super fun Girls’ Night In.

According to the box, this is everything you need to have fun for an entire evening. Disclaimer: the box does not say that, but it’s pretty heavily implied. Continue reading “A girls’ night in with the Echo Falls Girls’ Night In kit”

World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens

World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens

Today we are going to sit down and decide, once and for all, which pens are brilliant and which are shit. I’m doing you this service, an enormous cost to myself, so you can decide which pen to write your masterpiece with.

I was going to rank these pens in order, but have decided not to, for two reasons:

1: There are too many different kinds of pens on this list.

2: I can’t be bothered.

With that in mind, let’s crack on…

4 colour biro

4 colour

Do you remember 1928, when we all went around with four separate biros stuffed in our front pockets? And, because it was 1928, they weren’t stuffed in our front pockets, but in our aprons and top hats. I assume.

Then someone invented a way to spend less time carrying separate biros around, so we had more time to concentrate on having scurvy and the plague. Continue reading “World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens”

An essay on sexy cat food adverts

An essay on sexy cat food adverts

Thanks to Patrick Heaviside for giving me this stupid idea in the first place.

You know what it’s like. The cat’s nagging you because you haven’t fed it for a week. So you feed the cat, and then it starts talking like Fenella Fielding and decides it wants to do sex with you. Happens every Saturday.

NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T.

This is the main reason I’ve been collecting various cat food adverts to share with you. While dogs are either cockneys (wrong) or talk like the dog from that credit score advert (right), cats are apparently always after some. Not only that, but the owners seem to want some sexy doings with the cat, and no one bats an eyelid. Continue reading “An essay on sexy cat food adverts”

The indoor market: a field guide

The indoor market: a field guide

It’s a Saturday sometime in 1992. Because you’ve been hard at work all week writing about dinosaurs and using the trundle wheel, you deserve a day off, right? Do you balls. What you shall instead be required to do is accompany your parents on a day out to Wakefield, Goole or similar. This is because they want to look at different kinds of cushion covers (mother) and wires in Tandy (father).

At some point during your excursion, you will be dragged along to the indoor market. This is mostly so your mother can tut at the quality of the meat. An official complaint to the ombusdman (father) yields nothing, as he wants to look at tapes. Therefore, an hour of your Saturday afternoon is taken up with trudging round, not really being able to see any of the stalls, and having to take your parents’ word for it that “there aren’t any toys, they don’t sell them here”.

Now that I’m an adult, I love to visit indoor markets. This is because I am now boring and lame, but also because indoor markets are awesome. The main reason I love indoor markets is you never quite know what you’re going to find in them. Our local one, for example, has three stalls selling hi-vis vests, a Chinese medicine place, and a retro game stall. Also a stall with the following:

– so much porcelain crap that bits of it fall on the floor and smash whenever someone walks past
– three Elvis t-shirts
– puzzle books with the free pens missing Continue reading “The indoor market: a field guide”

Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house

Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house

A little while ago I wrote about a bunch of odd things I found on the internet, or lurking on my hard drive.

And by “a little while ago”, I meant yesterday, or three and a half years ago. I’m not much for set deadlines.

But as it turns out, the inked-in-blood contract I signed with Jenny had some fine print. Apparently if I don’t write a follow-up, she gets my immortal soul.

She also gets my DVD of SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which I consider a lot more valuable, and slightly less worn out.

So guess what, we’re going back for a second look at whatever the hell I find today. I’ll even add helpfully descriptive headings this time. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house”