My raffle: a 5 year old’s attempt at scamming

My raffle: a 5 year old’s attempt at scamming

As a child I was always coming up with stupid get rich quick schemes. I would accompany my parents to the car boot sale and set up my own little table beside them, where I spent the morning trying to convince adults that my empty toilet roll tube with a face drawn on it was an antique, and was worth a hundred pounds. Or I would glue myself to 2p machines whenever we went to the seaside, convinced that I was going to turn a profit and come home with approximately £1,000,000,000 in 2ps. Continue reading “My raffle: a 5 year old’s attempt at scamming”

Stupid yoga from 1993

Stupid yoga from 1993

The other day, my mother in law bought this:

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I insisted on sharing this classic with you, because I am nice like that.

Yoga is exercise, but for people who really like sitting down and going to sleep. Therefore it’s perfect for me, and I suspect a lot of you guys too. So we’re going to do this yoga course together, and at the end you’ll be all flexible and will be even better at sitting down than you were before.

This is YOGA MAN. He’ll be our main guide throughout this course. There’s a woman one as well, but she doesn’t have such magnificent trousers.

MAN Continue reading “Stupid yoga from 1993”

Reviewing Panda Pops flavours

Reviewing Panda Pops flavours

I’m a bit of a pop enthusiast. But I like proper pop, not diet flavoured water with natural extracts of kale and smug. Panda Pops have always been among my favourites, but sadly they’re illegal now, I think. That’s OK, I remember my Panda Pops flavours well enough to bring you the definitive ranking of classic flavours. Whether you fought other kids to the death to defend your favourite flavour, or just didn’t buy flavours you weren’t keen on, Panda Pops had something for everyone and there were always arguments to be made for each flavour.

Since I am a goddamn Panda Pops expert, I’m going to settle the age old debate: which Panda Pops were brilliant, and which were shit?

Get ready for a trip down memory lane as I review all your old favourites. Continue reading “Reviewing Panda Pops flavours”

Your lunch box: a guide

Your lunch box: a guide

These days my lunch tends to be coffee and cigarettes, and doesn’t require a lunch box. That’s good, because packed lunches aren’t what they used to be, thanks to terrible inventions like cheeze ztringz and ‘lunch bags’ (which are absolutely no use in a fight).

If you want to do a proper packed lunch, you need to follow my handy and informative guide to not doing it like a div. That way, you can take your rightful place in the hall, sitting around those gold metal water jugs.

Now then.

Lunch box

RB lunch box

The cartoon or heartthrob of the day was the best thing to have on your lunch box, although there was an unwritten rule in our school which meant having a Take That lunch box would get you branded a ‘girl’. Even if you were a girl, this was unacceptable. Continue reading “Your lunch box: a guide”