I’ll be honest, this post is just an attempt to make me feel less shit about supporting Leeds.

Anyway, I keep telling myself that supporting Leeds is better than supporting a team with a literal pair of bollocks as a mascot (more on that later). That’s what I keep telling myself, as I cry into my gin.

So to cheer myself up, I’d like to show you some shit and terrifying mascots that still somehow manage to be brilliant.

Fun fact: I’ve met one of these guys, can you guess which one? (Hint: It’s Boiler Man.)

1. Help, It Burns!

AKA Kingsley from Partick Thistle. This is why people in Scotland have to do heroin all the time. Continue reading “Shit and terrifying football mascots” →

Apologies for the lack of posts recently. Three reasons:

1. Been to Wales to visit family, and everyone knows they don’t have the internet in Wales.

2. Been sorting out an allotment as part of my ongoing Arthur Fowler cosplay.

3. I’m just getting over flu, and today I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with an alsatian or similar.

Anyway, while I was in Wales, I stood in a shop and said to myself ‘You know what would be a really good idea and definitely not a waste of money? Buying a dozen shit badges.’ So that’s what I did.

Don’t go with a stranger

The badge is right. Trust me. I talked to a stranger the other week, and they turned out to be boring as fuck and then I couldn’t get away without being rude.

The badge doesn’t say anything about not going off with multiple strangers. Continue reading “My crappy badge collection” →

It’s occurred to me that I’ve become a hoarder. However, I’ve become a hoarder of awesome stuff, so there’s no need for me to go on one of those TV shows where they wee in a shoe and cook with a candle because they need to own all the copies of Railway Enthusiast ever published.

I like to think of myself as a curator rather than a hoarder. Hoarding is for people like my other half, which is why we have a box full of old phone chargers that “we might need one day”. If we ever invent time travel and really, really need to charge a phone to, I don’t know, text the boy band A1.

Anyway, I’ve decided to gather some of my best objets d’art and display them on a shelf, so you can look at them and go “hmmmm”, as if you were in a real museum, and not sat at home looking at my shit blog.

I present – the shelf of shit!

OK, I’ll comment on each section. I’ve numbered them, but if you can’t figure out which ones I’m referring to, you’re a bit of a div. Continue reading “The shelf of shit” →

Lads, I’ve had an idea, and it’s going to be great. Look what I got at the supermarket:

It’s a super fun Girls’ Night In kit, and I’m going to use it to have a super fun Girls’ Night In.

According to the box, this is everything you need to have fun for an entire evening. Disclaimer: the box does not say that, but it’s pretty heavily implied. Continue reading “A girls’ night in with the Echo Falls Girls’ Night In kit” →

This post is the result of waking up at 4 a.m. the other night and thinking “You know what would be a really good idea?…””

As you know, ideas you have at 4 in the morning should always be acted on, which is why I’ve done a list of inappropriate things for Bungle to advertise.

Do not judge me.

Continue reading “10 things Bungle shouldn’t advertise” →

Today we are going to sit down and decide, once and for all, which pens are brilliant and which are shit. I’m doing you this service, an enormous cost to myself, so you can decide which pen to write your masterpiece with.

I was going to rank these pens in order, but have decided not to, for two reasons:

1: There are too many different kinds of pens on this list.

2: I can’t be bothered.

With that in mind, let’s crack on…

4 colour biro

Do you remember 1928, when we all went around with four separate biros stuffed in our front pockets? And, because it was 1928, they weren’t stuffed in our front pockets, but in our aprons and top hats. I assume.

Then someone invented a way to spend less time carrying separate biros around, so we had more time to concentrate on having scurvy and the plague. Continue reading “World of Crap presents Battle of the Pens” →

Thanks to Patrick Heaviside for giving me this stupid idea in the first place.

You know what it’s like. The cat’s nagging you because you haven’t fed it for a week. So you feed the cat, and then it starts talking like Fenella Fielding and decides it wants to do sex with you. Happens every Saturday.

NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T.

This is the main reason I’ve been collecting various cat food adverts to share with you. While dogs are either cockneys (wrong) or talk like the dog from that credit score advert (right), cats are apparently always after some. Not only that, but the owners seem to want some sexy doings with the cat, and no one bats an eyelid. Continue reading “An essay on sexy cat food adverts” →