The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour

The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour

Hello, how are you? I am fine. Do you like to to spend your weekends blocking out your pain by drinking stuff? Me too! This hobby is called “getting hammered off your tits”, and has recently been given a classy makeover by the inclusion of “cocktails”. Cocktails are when someone puts a bunch of random drinks together, and includes shit that should never see the inside of a glass. Then they add a sprig of mint, and call it “The Jim Bowen” or whatever.

I call this one

I’ve decided that too many cocktails include olives or lemon or some other nonsense, so I’m going to share my own cocktail recipes with you. I’m not sure what they are yet, because to be honest I’m thinking them up as I go, but I’m sure they’ll be brilliant. Continue reading “The World Of Crap Cocktail Hour”

Let’s laugh at shit furniture

Let’s laugh at shit furniture

Hello. You know what would make us millennials feel smug? Laughing at the furniture our parents decided was acceptable. They only decided on this furniture because they were off their tits on Babycham, Mirage, or stale tea out of a flask at Ingoldmells. And all this while they were telling you it was wrong to run round yelling with your finger up your nose.

Exhibit A

c

This is not what you do when you need to furnish your house. You do not go to the airport and nick some seats from the Business Class waiting room. Continue reading “Let’s laugh at shit furniture”

The terrifying world of Bob the Builder erotic fanfiction

The terrifying world of Bob the Builder erotic fanfiction

You know what sentence I never thought I’d have to write? “In this story, Bob fucks Dizzy the cement mixer up the bum.” Yet here I am.

The events leading up to me writing this aren’t important, but they involve a hangover and Leeds beating Millwall. All you need to know is that I went down a rabbit hole featuring cement mixer buttocks, giant dildos and Postman Pat. Yes, poor Pat gets dragged into this too.

Disclaimer: Some of these are probably jokes. I hope they are. If you wrote one of these, and you’re reading this, I’d put money on you not passing a DBS check.

OK, let’s begin. Have some Toilet Duck on hand, to drink.

In case you don’t fancy Toilet Duck, I’ll be accompanying each entry with a picture of a suitable thing to drink while reading the… literature. Continue reading “The terrifying world of Bob the Builder erotic fanfiction”

Stupid Action VHS Covers

Stupid Action VHS Covers

Do you like films that are called ‘TITS OF VENGEANCE’ and ‘BIG KICK’? I do, which is why I like to spend my time looking at VHS covers and imagining what the films might be like. This is because I am too boring and lazy to actually get the films.

Let’s have a look through some awesome VHS titles full of shooting and kicking and more shooting, and then I’ll go back to watching QVC, because that’s what I do.

Gymkata

gymkata

This man’s opponents have actual machine guns, and still he manages to beat them up using only the power of aerobics. I like to think that once his enemies are lying in a bloody heap on the floor, our hero grapevines away. Continue reading “Stupid Action VHS Covers”

An early 90s comic advert bonanza

An early 90s comic advert bonanza

The other day, me and Alex stuffed ourselves into his parents’ loft and dug out a stack of Turtles Adventures comics from the early 90s:

turtles fc

Rad, I think we can all agree.

The stories are the usual stuff about kicking Shredder in the bollocks while yelling “cowabunga”, but even better was the selection of adverts we found in there. Everyone from Smarties to UHU wanted to flog their tat in the Turtles comic, often with some very natty giveaways and special offers.

Join me on a bodacious consumer journey through the ads, featuring Batman, Edd the Duck, Super Mario, and lots more. And fucking stamp collecting. Because there’s always some killjoy trying to get kids into stamp collecting.

Batman Fruitmania

batman

To cash in on Batman Returns, Rowntree’s have decided to try and convince everyone that Batman eats loads of jelly tots and polos. He does not. He eats nails. Continue reading “An early 90s comic advert bonanza”

The A-Team Annual: B.A.’s Babysitting Adventure

The A-Team Annual: B.A.’s Babysitting Adventure

Lads, I’ve found the best thing in the world, courtesy of an A-Team annual:

day care large

Did I miss the bit in The A-Team where B.A. spends an entire episode looking after toddlers for no reason? I know they did that episode with Boy George but that still wasn’t as weird. Whatever – it’s apparently canon enough to deserve its own two page spread in the annual. Continue reading “The A-Team Annual: B.A.’s Babysitting Adventure”