Just something little today, from the gallery of 1,000,000,000,000,000 clipart I bought for a quid.

There’s a whole section of what I assume are swimming instructions. I think the idea is to add your own text, so that’s what I’ve done, to the best of my ability.

The instructions were probably meant to be in Comic Sans, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

Right then.

1. Do not dive into a tiny puddle.

2. Especially do not dive head first into 1ft of water.

3. Make sure your balls touch the water before any other part of you.

4. If the water is intimidating you, challenge it to a dance-off.

5. If you do a fart in the pool, waft it away towards someone else.

6. If the water is mean to you, ignore it and it will go away.

7. This is not swimming. Not sure what this is.

8. Always exit the water by diving out of it.

Fin.

Yesterday I bought a copy of Twinkle – the picture paper specially for little girls, off the market.

I love Twinkle, and I was about to mentally thank the previous owner, when I noticed the selfish bitch had already done the puzzles.

Continue reading “Let’s lose at the Twinkle Babysitting Game” →

Today we picked up this CD-Rom for one quid:

We paid one whole quid for this thing.

“Get it” said Alex.

“No fuck off it’s shit,” I replied.

“No it’ll be great,” he said.

And the following is why I always listen to Alex.

I’m just going to present these without context, because… because.

1. Interesting faces

2. Hats

3. Unsettled babies

4. Interesting faces part 2

5. This guy

6. Rad things

7. Interesting faces part 3

8. Weird maths that makes no sense

9. THIS FUCKING HORSE

 

Fin.

If you’d like to contribute to this nonsense, have a look at my Patreon.

(Editor’s note: the views expressed in this post are the author’s own, and are quite often shit and wrong.)

Another Rock and Roll Christmas!*

*Rock is what you do when your try to get off your inflated arse and rolls are what you’re made of.

It’s time for the annual festive gorge!

Salt Crackers Party Mix

Sounds an awful lot like the playlist of someone who is equally acerbic and insane.

These would appear every year. I’m still at a loss as to know why, their varying shapes belying the identical nature of their flavour. These things tasted dry, slightly burned, and yes very very salty. I may or may not have once referred to them as ‘crystallised spunk waffles’… which was indeed quite a mouthful.

Some of these were pretzel shaped, others were sticks and there were flat round ones as well. I’m inclined to think they all had original and or weird sounding names, they were however all just salty twigs. The kind of snack that they might offer in a pub to make you thirsty and therefore buy more drinks. Those landlords eh? If they don’t sodomise your liver they’ll give you high blood pressure.

Thankfully these went from being a yearly oddity to unpleasant memory reasonably rapidly. Continue reading “World of Crap reviews Christmas food” →

It’s that time of year again, that strikes joy or dread into the heart of every 5 year old, depending on how much of an unpopular div they are.

Ladies and gentlemen: the Nativity play.

Around the beginning of October, you’ll notice your teacher has started behaving very strangely – muttering to themselves, staring at bits of paper, and chain smoking while they’re supposed to be teaching you about triceratops.

This can only mean one thing: they’ve been given the honourable task of arranging this year’s Nativity play. ‘Nativity’, if you’re not aware, is Latin for “God got me up the stick and then Jesus shot out of my fanny – The Musical”. It’s also Latin for “It’s your fucking turn Phil, I did it last year and Sharon did it the year before that.”

So the task falls to your teacher to give every child an equally large and important role, despite that being an unachievable task.

Roles were allocated to children based on the following criteria:

• Are they reasonably normal looking, and unlikely to piss on the stage? (Mary/Joseph)
• Can they read more than three words without crying? (Angel Gabriel/Narrator)
• Do they have their own tea towels? (Shepherds)
• Do they have a beard (unlikely but you never know)? (Kings)
• Are they fat and clumsy with a mullet? (Donkey)
• Are they naughty but their parents are a big wheel at the cracker factory? (Innkeeper)
• Does your school have a budget of more than 3p? (Herod)
• Are they snot-and-lurgie-riddled gimps who must be kept away from the public at all costs? (Chorus)

Continue reading ““Lo – Mary’s Breast”: The 80s Nativity Play” →

“Hello, and welcome to the inaugural British Thanksgiving Parade! We’re you’re hosts, Wanda Mcgfyegf7yg and Bob Cahndhyrrg.”

“And let me tell you, we’re super excited to be here, aren’t we Bob?”

“We sure are Wanda!” Here in your England’s beautiful capital – Loughborough!”

“Which, if you’re not sure Bob, is pronounced “LUGOOBURHOOBURER. Isn’t that swell?”

“Didn’t London used to be the capital Wanda?”

“Errr… it sure did Bob, before… the war.”

“What war?”

“…AND HERE WE HAVE OUR FIRST BALLOON! Yes! Coming just round the corner, what better way to celebrate the English, Welsh and Scotch than by having the British national dish – the Greggs sausage roll!” Continue reading “The British Thanksgiving Parade” →