The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

Gladiators is one of my favourite shows, but it’s never really occurred to me to have a look at the various cash-in tat on offer. This is because I’ve been too busy Ebaying Kwik Save carrier bags with the handles missing.

My god, where have I been? I should have known that a show about men in bras kicking each other in the bollocks would have spawned a wide and fascinating array of merchandise. And even better, some of it manages to not be about Jet.

Customer ready? 3… 2… 1…

3D glasses, for seeing in 3D

1995-Frosties-3D-Gladiator-glasses

Advertised on this box:

1994-Frosties-Gladiators-3D-Viewers---Shadow-front

Which could be Shadow, or it could be Barry Manilow for all it looks like Shadow.

For viewing the following picture:

1994-Frosties-Gladiators-3D-Viewers---Hang-Tough

If you don’t own the SPECIAL GLADIATORS 3D GLASSES, then save the image for when you run out of booze. It’s grrreat!

Saracen badge

i was bummed by saracen

“Saracen: the ultimate challenge”. Buy this for your woman if she survived getting bummed by Saracen.

A Shadow badge is available, but no one ever survives getting bummed by Shadow.

SHAKABOOM

shakaboom

Hunter did a single! It’s probably shit, I haven’t listened to it yet.

UPDATE: I’ve listened to it now. It’s still probably shit.

Jet poster

Cf8mv1fWwAAzZgW

Can you smell the jizz in this room.

Gladiators comic

glad1 001

Drawn by a madman, and written by someone who wants all the Gladiators to have tits and die. Jet can literally fly. Flame is literally on fire. I can’t imagine she’s happy about that. Also, why are things always ‘100% official’? Why are they never ‘80% official’?

Glad2 001

There seems to have been a change of artist between issues 1 and 2: we go from ‘realistic-but-on-fire’ to ‘Robert Crumb after 6 bottles of Calpol’.

Jet bubble bath

jet bubble bath

Supposed to be generic Gladiators bubble bath, but come on, let’s be realistic here. There’s a picture of Jet on it, so teenage boys will buy it. Anything that will encourage teenage boys to have a bath is good I guess.

‘Paint your own’ figures

jet paint your own figures

Jet looks like she’s been on the hobnobs. Wolf is trying to do a really difficult poo. They’re all getting bummed by their own ghosts.

Lady Gladiator figure

jet figure

Sold on Ebay with the implication that, for 20p, the lady Gladiator will assume this pose for you.

Gladiators mega fun board game

1ab1dc9ffe44f539100b27f640071d8e

All the fun of Gladiators with none of the fun of Gladiators.

See also: Play-along-at-home Game Book

game book

and the Gladiators card matching game

pik n mix game

Gladiators lorry

truck

For ferrying illegal Gladiators, like Nitro, into the country. Bit of a giveaway having ‘Gladiators’ written on the side though. Should say ‘boring tools and pipes’.

 

Gladiators Fact File

fact file

Featuring the following facts:

– Jet is the best one

– Shadow and Warrior got done for stuff

– Flame and Hawk exist

– Jet can fit a whole Budweiser bottle in her mouth

– Jet “really loves having sex with sweaty virgins”

Action cards

1995-Frosties-Gladiators-Action-Cards--made

Another outstanding Frosties prize. Why is Scorpio clinging on to a snake?

‘I Don’t Know’ by Diane Youdale

diane-youdale-i-dont-know-square

I haven’t listened to this, so I’ve guessed at the lyrics:

“I don’t know the square root of Pi,

I don’t know the life cycle of a fly,

But I do know…

JET IS THE BEST

JET JET JET JET

JET JET JET JET

SEE MY MIGHTY TITS

JET IS THE BEST

JET JET JET JET

JET JET JET JET”

Cartoon All Stars: Show me your crack

Imagine the following. You’re 6 years old, and a cartoon version of ALF appears in your bedroom threatening to eat what you thought was your lamp. Do you:

A) start smoking crack

B) not start smoking crack

Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue was a 1990 TV special intended to prevent small children taking drugs. As everyone knows, kids are most in danger of developing a drug problem between the ages of 3 and 7. After this, they stop viewing it as a problem so it’s fine.

cartoonallstarlogo

This is a real thing that happened: some Americans sat round a table one day and said “Right, we need to stop toddlers smoking crack. This is a matter of urgency, so we need to do it STAT!”

I’m not sure what STAT is, but I know they say that in America.

And that’s how we ended up with Winnie The Pooh, the Smurfs, and the Muppet Babies all sat round nagging you.

Let’s follow our brave heroes through a journey of ‘Fucking What’, and then maybe we won’t start smoking crack either.

1

Oh shit, someone is stealing Corey’s piggy bank! I wonder what they’re going to spend the money on. Not much, if real life piggy banks are anything to go by. When I was that age, my piggy bank contained 7p, paperclips, and various ‘top secret’ notes I’d posted to myself for some reason.

This prompts all Corey’s shameless TV cash-in merchandise to come to life.

alive

Garfield looks fucking raring to go. He only gets up when ALF threatens to eat him. Slimer also makes an appearance around this point, but he’s really just looking for something to eat.

In fact, only about 60% of the characters seem to want to do anything about this drugs situation, and they’re all the shit ones like the Smurfs, and the Chipmunks who aren’t Alvin.

I wonder why we’ve never had something similar in Britain.

Justin-Fletcher-009

All the merchandise go in search of the piggy bank. Garfield knows exactly how the audience is feeling.

4

We track down the piggy bank to her brother Michael’s room. Look how EVIL he is, and also I’m not sure his arm is supposed to bend that way.

5

Michael hides his ‘box of drugs’ under his bed, where the merchandise are unable to keep their nose out of his property. That Chipmunk with the glasses explains the contents of the box to the others:

“My guess would be marijuana – an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.”

Don’t forget, this was 1990, so he managed to reel this off without reading from Wikipedia. Although I’m not sure Wikipedia would ever sound that judgemental.

8

Corey is being unrealistically patient with Michael – “If you wanted money you could have just said!” rather than “YOU’RE A BASTARD I’M GETTING YOU DONE! MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!” and then kicking him in the shin.

Michael’s had enough of her shit so he goes to the arcade. When he gets there he starts doing an impression of me on a morning, while an evil cloud of smoke appears and starts talking to him.

me

I wish a cloud of smoke would appear and start talking to me on a morning. It would make a fantastic sitcom. The smoke could be called Dave. In fact, I’ve already started writing a script:

Dave: “Good morning! You know what? I think you should do something evil today.”

(laugh track)

Me: “…”

Dave: “We could go unfold all the tops in Primark…”

Me: “Shut up I’m trying to scratch my fanny.”

(Trombone music plays)

Back to the plot. One of the bad dudes shows the others his crack:

crack

But before they can do anything with it, the rozzers happen to drive past the arcade, and this prompts everyone to panic and run out of the arcade. This is entirely logical.

Bugs Bunny turns up for a reason I must have missed. Michael deals with this by going “Fuck off rabbit.” I like Michael. Everyone should just leave him the fuck alone.

Bugs Bunny makes Michael go in a time machine, while Michael stands there looking bored.

time machine

Then some other stuff happens, but I’m starting to lose the will to live. I think it’s something to do with the dad noticing his beer’s gone missing. The mum goes “Oh, you must have drunk it.” The dad accepts this explanation because he’s such a raging alcoholic. And then that girl has a boring conversation with Winnie The Pooh.

Let’s get back to the time machine. Here they are in the past. We witness the precise moment Michael stops being an annoying little shit and starts being a normal teenager.

past 2

Bugs is now in auto-nag mode. “If everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you?” Well, let’s see:

A) They’re not.

B) It depends on whether I’ve got a nagging rabbit chasing me.

C) Is there weed at the bottom of this cliff?

Now Michelangelo is standing there telling him and Dave off, in a sewer. The Bugs Bunny/time travel thing just stopped with zero explanation.

mikey

Oh I see, Michelangelo is the ghost of Christmas Present. Bugs Bunny was the ghost of being annoying.

Christmas Present involves riding a roller coaster of nightmares with the Muppet Babies. However, it’s not a proper Christmas until my dad comes into the living room and announces we’re eating off the big plates.

coaster

Then there’s a big song and dance number that I AM FUCKING SKIPPING.

All this hallucinogenic nonsense isn’t quite enough to make Michael give up his weed. After all, it might come in handy one day, if he ever wants to smoke some weed. Dave points this out to him. It would have been better with a laugh track.

Then Michael’s reflection turns into ALF. This definitely needs a laugh track.

mirror alf

Oh right, ALF is the ghost of Christmas Future. Christmas Future is set in the year 2027. Everyone is now a zombie and lives in a hall of mirrors. This is because of Brexit.

future

While Michael’s off dicking about with Christmas stuff, Corey is thinking about smoking his weed. I suppose her money did pay for it, so it’s only fair. I think she should.

Dave thinks she should too. Bad Dave.

bad dave

Meanwhile, Michael is now being chased along a roller coaster track by one of Huey, Dewey and Louie, who is trying to kill him. Then he falls past his own tonsils, is waved at by Tigger in a boat, and gets spat out by Miss Piggy. This must be Boxing Day.

boxing day

Michael escapes from Boxing Day just in time to stop Corey nicking his stash, the massive freeloader. Then he announces he’s going to quit “drugs”, and all the merchandise go back into the poster that they weren’t in before, but ignore that.

poster

Then it stops. I think this means it’s finished. I don’t really fancy any drugs, but I’m now desperate to ingest something stupid just to spite these people, so I think I might go eat neat paprika with a spoon.

Saved By The Bell episode review: I’m Joan Collins, let’s do sex

Saved By The Bell episode review: I’m Joan Collins, let’s do sex

I’ve been meaning to write about Saved By The Bell for the last couple of years, but I was busy that day. Oh well, better late than never.

Saved By The Bell follows the wacky adventures of Zack, Slater, Tammy-Jo and Billy-Bob-Bob-John as they go round scamming people out of money, shooting up caffeine and generally being dicks. This takes place in a completely realistic school called Bayside High, which contains ten students and a payphone that at least one of those ten students is using at any one time.

Today I’d like to talk about the episode ‘Screech’s Woman’. The following things happen in this episode, because they happen in every episode ever:

  • Someone wears an outfit that makes me want to stop the universe by punching myself in the face
  • There’s a misunderstanding with hilarious consequences
  • The audience goes “Wooooo” because Slater got his ankle out
  • Mr Belding is the best one
  • Not much else

Now the world of Saved By The Bell has been clearly and succinctly established by me, let’s crack on with the episode.

1

Slater and Wanda-Sue are celebrating having made quite a phallic volcano for a science project. Unfortunately, Slater pours too much coke onto the Mentos inside it, and the whole thing goes a bit wrong. This is hilarious. It is so hilarious that Slater and Wanda-Sue leave the diner.

Next, Zack starts bullying Screech about their science project. Screech has built a sort of doomsday device with flashbulbs on it. I think their project is called ‘What’s the most sciencey looking thing the props department can cobble together in an afternoon?’ I swear part of that is just a roll of duct tape.

science

Here comes Betty-Bob-Jo! Screech is in love with Betty-Bob-Jo, but sadly she’s not in love with him. This leads to the following hilarious misunderstanding:

hug

Screech leaves the diner in a flurry of half-assed depression. He’s still depressed when he gets to Zack’s house three seconds later.

9

He’s depressed because Betty-Bob-Jo won’t go out with him. Luckily, Zack manages to make Screech instantly forget Betty-Bob-Jo by promising him a date with some fictional girl whose name he probably got out of the phone book. This instantly cheers Screech up. Lesson learned: if the love of your life won’t go out with you, any old skank will do.

But Zack’s not done helping yet. As well as a made up promise he can’t possibly keep, he also gives Screech some chick-impressing lessons. These mostly involve wazzing about like a Kays Catalogue underpant model then falling into the bin.

bin

This works about as well as you might expect. Now even more depressed due to realising that he’s a loser and no one wants to go out with him, Screech does what anyone would do and hides in his locker.

11

 

Since Zack promised Screech a date, he now has to go round asking all the girls in the school whose contracts will allow them to speak. By a massive coincidence, the first person he finds is Wanda-Sue.

Their conversation goes as follows:

“Will you go out with Screech? It’s for the plot.”

“Err, I’m not gonna go out with Screech, he did that weird sex tape.”

“Yeah but you did Showgirls.”

“That’s different, that was art. And anyway I’m not in that for a few years.”

“…”

“…”

12

Since all his options are now officially exhausted, Zack has no choice – he must invent a girl and use her to string Screech along like a condom full of custard, that’s on a string.

Luckily Screech is an idiot, so Zack can get away with telling him that the girl he just invented has already agreed to phone him on the school payphone. It’s so handy that she knows the number of the school payphone, despite obviously not going to Bayside. She obviously doesn’t go to Bayside because a) if she did she’d just come and say hi instead of phoning him, and b) she doesn’t exist.

14

Later, Screech arrives at the payphone to answer the call from the girl who doesn’t exist, but oh shit – Billy-Bob-Bob-John is already using the phone! Not only that, he’s using it to phone Italy, which must be costing a hell of a lot of 10ps. Those jeans are nearly making me want to punch myself in the face.

15

Screech calmly informs Billy-Bob-Bob-John that he will headbutt him in the knob if he doesn’t get off the phone right now.

Who could possibly be phoning Screech? It isn’t the girl who doesn’t exist, because she doesn’t exist. And it definitely can’t be Zack, because Screech, having been friends with Zack since kindergarten, would instantly recognise Zack’s voice, even if he does have a crack at doing falsetto.

Oh wait, it is Zack.

16

Screech asks “What’s your name?”

This flummoxes Zack, who clearly thought Screech would just pant heavily into the phone then hang up. He stalls for time – “My name? Er, er…”

Please, please say J.R. Hartley.

He doesn’t, because he’s stupid and crap. Instead he calls himself “Bambi”.

The conversation with Screech leads to another hilarious misunderstanding. Zack is speaking from the boys’ toilets where, unbeknownst to him, Mr Belding is having a poo. This leads Mr Belding to think that “Bambi” has gone into the boys’ toilets to crack onto him. Since he must know there’s no student called Bambi at Bayside (or anywhere), he must think a woman off the street followed him in there. Zero raised eyebrows.

This leads to Mr Belding carrying on the conversation after Zack/Bambi leaves, not knowing that Slater is now in the toilet. Oh how we laughed.

17

Why hasn’t Mr Belding got his own toilet?

Back to the plot. Zack is sick of pretending to be Bambi, so he makes up some bullshit reason why she can’t talk to Screech any more. This leads to Screech taking the only sensible course of action – he handcuffs himself to his locker.

18

Mr Belding gets wind of this and, in a fit of being the best one on the show, orders Zack to get Screech a date. I’m not sure what grounds he’ll have to do anything if Zack says no, but let’s just go with it.

There’s only one thing for it – Zack must be Bambi for the evening.

bambi2

I have so many problems with this getup. Why is he dressed as a 47 year old? He looks like Joan Collins. In order to get ready for his date, Zack enlisted the help of Wanda-Sue and Betty-Bob-Jo. Are you seriously telling me this was the best they could come up with? Which one of them just happened to have that suit and a Jon Bon Jovi wig lying around? Couldn’t they have at least tried to make him look younger than 47?

bambi1

Clearly Screech doesn’t have a problem with older women.

19

The date is going a bit too well, so either Zack comes up with a way to put Screech off, or he just gives up and has sex with him. Nothing seems to work until Bambi insists that Screech must dump his friends to go out with her. Apparently this is the one thing that will make Screech refuse to do sex with Bambi. He nobly declines her request, stating that Zack is his best friend and that he couldn’t possibly do that.

I’ll say this again – if Zack was really Screech’s best friend, he’s have realised that he was about to fuck him.

Screech goes home, and Zack/Bambi just sort of hangs out at the diner for a bit with Wanda-Jo and the others. Nothing much is resolved.

21

I think the moral of the story is that maybe you shouldn’t write four miles of text about an episode of Saved By The Bell. And also that Zack looks better as a woman than I do as a woman.

Lazy Town episode review: Morons eat apples

It’s been a while since I dropped in on the Lazy Town gang. Let’s see what those boring bumfucks are up to. If you’re going for ‘eating apples and doing PE’, you’re probably right.

This episode is called ‘School Scam’. I don’t know what happens in it and I don’t care. I’ll make the following predictions:

1: Sportacus backflips somewhere instead of walking, causing him to be 53% slower than he otherwise would have been
2: Stephanie nags someone
3: I side with Robbie Rotten
4: I stop watching after 10 minutes and go eat food instead

Look at him. Look how fucking happy he is to be awake. I hate him.

1

Only 23 minutes and 31 seconds to go. Also, #1 has happened already, and we’re not even a minute in.

Something I keep noticing about Sportacus is his lack of basic personal hygeine. He wakes up in the morning, fully dressed from the day before, then leaves his stupid floating house without even bothering to sniff his armpits.

Let’s get onto the proper story. I’m not sure what the proper story is, but I bet it’s something to do with school. This picture doesn’t help me figure out the plot.

2

Right. Stephanie is doing her homework three minutes before school starts, which is admirable. Uncle Mayor Keith Vaz is dicking about in the kitchen, prompting Stephanie to start nagging him (#2 PREDICTION KLAXON).

“You should already be at school. You’re the principal! You should be opening the doors and ringing the bell!”

1: I’ve never been to a school where those things are the principal’s job. Does Uncle Mayor Keith Vaz also mop out the loos and cover up yesterday’s sick with sawdust?

2: Uncle Mayor is the Mayor. Why is he also the school principal? I’m not surprised nothing gets done. I blame the cuts. No wonder there were dead bodies piling up in the streets in that other episode I watched in my head.

3: If you love school that much Stephanie why don’t you marry it.

Whatever. The school bell finally gets rung, which wakes up our hero Robbie Rotten. To be fair, he only heard it because he has that weird intercom thing which amplifies all external noise.

3b

Next, Ziggy falls into a cart because he’s a moron. The cart, disregarding the laws of physics, immediately starts going 100mph. This sets off Sportacus’ ‘Someone’s an idiot and I must poke my nose in’ alarm.

5a

Oh my god. Instead of saving Ziggy with aerobics, Sportacus gets a pen and paper and starts calculating the best angle to throw a yo-yo for Ziggy to hang onto on the off chance that A) Ziggy will catch it and B) the string won’t just snap. Because everyone on this show is insane, this somehow works and is a great plan.

I suspect this was the show’s way of setting us up for the ‘school is rad, you should go there and learn shit’ message.

I’ve got some calculations for you Sportacus: X + Y/Z = you’re a fucking show off and a knob.

6

Just when I thought we’d get a break from Sportacus’ fuckery, he then confiscates Ziggy’s lunch and orders him to have an apple instead. “You need sports candy to learn”. Yes, you need it to learn that chocolate is better.

Let’s move on before I start crying. Robbie spouts the only bit of sense so far: “I must stop those kids learning new things, otherwise they’ll end up like Sportanerd!” Can you imagine a whole generation of people telling you to stop eating sugar and insisting that exercise doesn’t kill you and that everyone’s views are valid and we shouldn’t call anyone a dick? Fuck that.

Robbie’s plan is to become a teacher and teach the kids fuck all. This makes me laugh for about ten solid minutes. I see he’s playing the long game here. Good luck training to be a teacher, then teaching those exact kids no matter what year they’re in until they leave school, all in the space of a 20 minute epsiode.

Oh it’s ok he gets to skip all that, because he’s got a teacher disguise.

7

The next five minutes are wasted with a song called ‘I like learning’ or some such bullshit. You liars. You don’t care about learning, you just want to suck up to Sportacus so he’ll show you his bum.

I bet Sportacus is the teacher. Or I bet he’s not, whichever is right.

I was right, I win a quid. Robbie really is playing the long game here, what with the class still learning the fucking alphabet. On the plus side, he won’t have to make them unlearn much.

8

Robbie makes them go to sleep on their books. This is possibly unwise, because I heard once that knowledge can leak into your head while you’re asleep, which is why you should never go to sleep on a book that’s wrong. Also, where is their usual teacher? I assume Robbie has killed him.

This ruse doesn’t last long, because Stephanie already has a PhD in nagging people to death. She insists they all do PE. Robbie, instead of sending her for a caning, immediately gives in to her demands. It’s no wonder kids are like they are these days.

Sportacus backflips over to, you know, hang out with the schoolkids, at school. He does that. Robbie has a brilliant chance here to get Sportacus arrested but he doesn’t take it. I’m starting to lose my sympathy for Robbie, who is rapidly skidding towards getting grapevined to death.

9

Why doesn’t Sportacus have any friends his own age.

Sportacus dicks around for three and a half minutes. Meanwhile, Robbie has somehow managed to get under the playground, and is sawing a hole round everyone. This means the playground and everyone in it will fall to their deaths. Good. And they definitely can’t learn anything if they’re dead.

10

I have this all wrong. When you can’t accurately predict the plot of a Lazy Town episode, maybe it’s time to rethink your decision to exist. Anyway, Robbie has actually made a trapdoor for Sportacus to fall through the next time he does an aerobics. This leads to question mark profit.

As if it worked.

11

Ideally this would be the end of the episode, but we still have ten minutes left of this pube festival. But now we’re getting to the peril, which means we’re nearly done. During the science lesson, Robbie gets trapped in the classroom with some chemicals that are about to explode. How and why is not important. What is important is why are they working with all these dangerous chemicals when they haven’t even learned the alphabet yet?

12

I bet Sportacus gets out of that hole by eating an apple, and then saves the day. I’m so sure of this I might see if Paddy Power will give me a bet.

Stephanie tries to rescue Sportacus but can’t because she’s three. But a ha! Do you see that apple sized hole that Robbie very thoughtfully included in the trapdoor? Me too.

13

I’m wrong. Again. Stephanie eats the apple, and this makes her strong enough to rescue Sportacus. Fuck and bollocks. I’m the one who should be in that hole.

He does this for a bit. I forget why.

14

Then the kids shout some science at him through the door so he can “stop the chemical reaction”. Why didn’t they do that for Robbie? Because they’re communists, that’s why.

We get three minutes of Lethal Weapon 2, after which nothing happens, because nothing was ever going to happen, because this is a show for toddlers. Robbie just sort of goes away, and all the others congratulate themselves on being boring, apart from Stingy and Pixel who look like they’re watching two separate murders.

15

We never find out what happened to their real teacher.

10 musical 80s and 90s food adverts

10 musical 80s and 90s food adverts

I like food. I currently can’t eat any food because I’m trying to lose three stone this week. This has led to me becoming obsessed with food to the point where I’m looking at strangers and wondering how many calories are in the bit of their arm I could manage to bite off.

A less mental pastime is watching old food adverts. To be fair, this only makes me hungry, but I’m relatively safe unless I somehow manage to eat my laptop. Don’t assume I won’t try.

Food adverts in the 80s and 90s were the bollocks, because quite often they had jingly-jangly songs accompanying them. Here are 10 of my favourites:

Potato Waffles

Might I suggest that potato waffles also go with gin, cigarettes, and your own self loathing, mainly at just having eaten a whole box of potato waffles

Smiths Crisps

Let’s ignore the fact that the gardener sounds like he’s humping the ground because he gets off on potatoes. Let’s instead concentrate on the most adorable potatoes you’ve ever seen, who have got some sort of trade union together, and are expressing their rights via song.

Fruit and Nut

Here we have a man about to have sex with a bar of chocolate. That’s not wrong in and of itself – it’s the fact that he’s going to do it during working hours. Can you imagine the inquiry if that company goes under because of him? “I couldn’t help it, the chocolate had sort of hair, and she grabbed my wire, the slut. You’re right, maybe I should have had that time off.”

Um Bongo

All together now:

“Way down deep in the middle of the congo
A something took a something and a something and a something”

Um Bongo’s nice though.

Sunkist

While the visuals scream “It’s like licking a lady’s salty arse in soft drink form!” The song screams “Summer! Hot weather! Power hair! That trip to Flamingo Land when you were 5!”

Micro Chips

What is it about potato products that lends itself so well to jaunty musical numbers?

This is a variation on the hit ‘Yakety Yak (Shut Up)’ by Johnny John John and the Johns. The song even managed to make us ignore the fact that, in reality, you got about three chips in a typical box.

Milky Way

Modern people will know this advert thanks to a recent rerun. By modern people, I mean people who’ve never heard of teenage boys having to use the Kays catalogue and their imagination.

Disclaimer: Eating a Milky Way won’t make you suddenly be able to jump over a ravine.

Gino Ginelli

“Tutti Frutti is my favourite ever ice cream flavour” – no one ever. Still, 10/10 for the song, which made me feel all European.

Club

Was there ever actually a Club club? If not, I should start one. I could make membership badges and have a password (it would probably be ‘club’) and a secret den made out of boxes. Everyone who doesn’t like a lot of chocolate on their biscuit could have bricks and small children thrown at them.

Crisp ‘n’ Dry

Not technically a food (unless you’re a bit drunk and really desperate). However, I can’t leave singing nuns out of this line up. Ok, it’s not technically a singing nun, but shut up, because I prefer my wrong memory of it being a singing nun. At worst, it’s a nun doing lip-sync.

Recreating Television X titles with action figures

I’m trying to imagine the kind of person who still watches Television X and those other not-real-porn channels. All I can come up with is someone who has loads of money for food, but who prefers to eat out of bins.

However, these channels do have their merits. In the middle of the night, when there’s nothing else on, we find ourselves jabbing aimlessly at the Sky buttons until we end up in the ‘Tits and misc’ section. These are divided into two categories:

Babestation and 37 identical channels. In the programmes we’ve seen, there are ladies that wear not many clothes and work in a call centre. They might sell Scottish Power, but I don’t think they do.

babestation main

Porn channels. The ladies without phones, unless it’s very specialist porn. These channels are where ladies have their flaps out and do dry humping with men. They are definitely having real sex, because that’s what they tell us.

Recently we’ve noticed a trend while browsing the Sky guide late at night. More and more of the shows on these channels are spoofs of popular TV shows. In a massive bumfucking of all sanity and logic, everything from Deal Or No Deal to Benefits Street has become fair game. This manages to be both horrible and hilarious at once.

Obviously we’re not mental enough to pay real money to find out what these shows are like, so we did our best to demonstrate what we think they’re like using Barbies and our imagination.

Please remember that these titles are real and not a product of our flea-bitten minds, so this isn’t our fault.

“The Great British Bonk Off”

bake off.jpg

What we think happens: An ambitious, big titted baker (played by Paul Hollywood or Michael Madsen) arrives in the tent, and will do whatever it takes to make sure her cream horns come out on top. There’s a scene involving a spatula, and a musical interlude by Destiny’s Child.

“The XXX Factor”

x factor

What we think happens: A talented starlet (Michael Madsen again) with a big pair of lungs (tits) is determined to impress Simon Cowell. Will she manage to press his buzzer in time? Unless the buzzer going off is a bad thing on the show, I can’t remember.

“Friends With Benefits Street”

benefits street

What we think happens: There’s a fire at the Rovers so everyone has to be naked, I forget why. This leads to sexy shenanigans between Tyrone and White Dee (played by Pauline Quirke and the guy who plays Tyrone, respectively). Then they all have a spliff.

“GobbleBox”

G BOX

What we think happens: Three busty members of the pubic (played by Ant and Dec doing one and a half roles each) get together on a sofa for a night of sexy TV watching, sexy Dorito eating and sexy absent-minded bum scratching. Occasionally one of them will say “oh piss off” at an advert, and then the other two will do a sex at him. And there’s a turkey somewhere?

“Embarrassingly Rude Bodies”

emb bodies

What we think happens: Doctor Melonballs (played by that one off the Go Pro advert) is holding an afternoon surgery. Her first patient is Mr Pissflaps (Jason Statham), who is embarrassed about his erection and the fact that he’s so good at sex. Also, Doctor Melonballs has forgotten to put any clothes on. She’s embarrassed about this.

“Feel Or No Deal”

DOND

What we think happens: A sexy gameshow host (played by Kay Burley) invites a bunch of sexy and big titted young men to open all her boxes. Then she beats all the men to death for coming up with such a fucking terrible pun.

“Flash In The Attic”

in the attic

What we think happens: Angela Rippon isn’t in this, because she is a lady and too nice to do sex. Instead she releases spores. Jonty’s in it though, as a high-rolling antiques expert who must decide if a lady’s Clarice Cliff will interest his punters.

“Down On Abby”

dt abbey

What we think happens: That posh one (not Professor McGonagall) shows her bum to the butler. Then the Vicar walks in and catches them, leading to red faces over the next cucumber sandwich buffet. Then, because it’s in the past, a guy turns up on a horse and cart and surprises a lady in the coal hole.

Stupid shit adverts

I’ve been watching TV for a long time. Recently, though, I’ve decided to also switch the TV on. This has led to me having to look at all sorts of hideous people trying to make me give them my money.

tv

I’ve written about stupid adverts before. Have a look if you want. I’ll be honest, it’s more of the same, as I only have about three jokes.

Nationwide

That bloody awful song. Just think about this. Somewhere, a couple is having sex to that song. This is how that would go:

Him: “Now are you sure I can’t get you anything, like a cup of tea or a towel?”
Her: “No. Let’s just do some sex.”
Him. “Would you mind awfully if I put my hand on your breast? I don’t want to be too forward or anything. I don’t want to invade your personal space…”
Her. “I should have gone out with your brother instead.”
Him: “Your hair is so fragrant. Don’t worry, I’m a feminist.”

Also, I still call Santander Abbey National. It’s hard being right all the time.

Periods

This is one of those stupid fictional nights out where women are ‘having fun’ by going to a club (the club in this advert is called ‘club’) and waving their hands in the air for three hours straight. That’s not fun. Men always seem to have more fun on a night out, what with pissing up the wall competitions and looting.

And anyway, these women shouldn’t be out, they’re bleeding out of their fannies. Burn them at the stake! But wait, what’s this? They’re not leaving a trail of blood wherever they go? It’s almost like something’s been invented that lets women venture out of the house during their periods.

Apparently you can now go on that shit night out without perioding on the floor of Burger King. Not that these women would go to Burger King. I’ll be honest, if it’s a choice between going out with these women and having ‘woman fun’, and sitting in my flat on my own, bleeding, I’ll choose the latter every time.

Narcissistic kids

It’s a terrible idea to teach kids that they’re important. They’ll grow up to believe it.

“What really matters – ME!” Fucking brilliant. We’ve got a well rounded generation of adults to look forward to. Apparently these kids are from the Sylvia Young Theatre School.
You’re better off insuring your toaster; at least that makes toast.

Women who rock

I Googled ‘women who rock’, even though it made me feel a bit dirty to do so. All the results were suitably boring, so I Googled ‘cow sex’ instead.

blogger-image-674104721

Those women rock.

The point is that this is one of the most hideously patronising adverts I’ve ever seen. What, that little girl needs to be told she’s a worthwhile human being by Paloma sodding Faith? And anyway, why is that girl so amazed to learn there are female singers?

I hate this idea that women need reminding they’re not insentient sacks of organs. What, do women see this advert and think ‘Oh yeah, I’d forgotten women can do stuff. I’m so glad this company reminded me. I was just going to sit here and photosynthesise for the rest of my life. Now I can go outside and ride horses, and rock.’

This whole thing screams ‘YOU GO GIRL!’, a phrase that makes me want to steal a penis and staple it onto myself just so they can’t say that to me.

Nescafe Gold Blend

This woman only remembers she’s got a bloody son when she’s off her tits on caffeine like Jessie from Saved By The Bell. Also, leave him alone, he probably doesn’t want to play ‘Mega guts Jurrassic Park and the T-rex has a bomb’ with his mother.

I’m bored now.