The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

Gladiators is one of my favourite shows, but it’s never really occurred to me to have a look at the various cash-in tat on offer. This is because I’ve been too busy Ebaying Kwik Save carrier bags with the handles missing.

My god, where have I been? I should have known that a show about men in bras kicking each other in the bollocks would have spawned a wide and fascinating array of merchandise. And even better, some of it manages to not be about Jet.

Customer ready? 3… 2… 1…

3D glasses, for seeing in 3D

1995-Frosties-3D-Gladiator-glasses Continue reading “The weird world of Gladiators merchandise”

Cartoon All Stars: Show me your crack

Imagine the following. You’re 6 years old, and a cartoon version of ALF appears in your bedroom threatening to eat what you thought was your lamp. Do you:

A) start smoking crack

B) not start smoking crack

Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue was a 1990 TV special intended to prevent small children taking drugs. As everyone knows, kids are most in danger of developing a drug problem between the ages of 3 and 7. After this, they stop viewing it as a problem so it’s fine.

cartoonallstarlogo Continue reading “Cartoon All Stars: Show me your crack”

Saved By The Bell episode review: I’m Joan Collins, let’s do sex

Saved By The Bell episode review: I’m Joan Collins, let’s do sex

I’ve been meaning to write about Saved By The Bell for the last couple of years, but I was busy that day. Oh well, better late than never.

Saved By The Bell follows the wacky adventures of Zack, Slater, Tammy-Jo and Billy-Bob-Bob-John as they go round scamming people out of money, shooting up caffeine and generally being dicks. This takes place in a completely realistic school called Bayside High, which contains ten students and a payphone that at least one of those ten students is using at any one time.

Today I’d like to talk about the episode ‘Screech’s Woman’. The following things happen in this episode, because they happen in every episode ever:

  • Someone wears an outfit that makes me want to stop the universe by punching myself in the face
  • There’s a misunderstanding with hilarious consequences
  • The audience goes “Wooooo” because Slater got his ankle out
  • Mr Belding is the best one
  • Not much else

Now the world of Saved By The Bell has been clearly and succinctly established by me, let’s crack on with the episode.

1 Continue reading “Saved By The Bell episode review: I’m Joan Collins, let’s do sex”

Lazy Town episode review: Morons eat apples

It’s been a while since I dropped in on the Lazy Town gang. Let’s see what those boring bumfucks are up to. If you’re going for ‘eating apples and doing PE’, you’re probably right.

This episode is called ‘School Scam’. I don’t know what happens in it and I don’t care. I’ll make the following predictions:

1: Sportacus backflips somewhere instead of walking, causing him to be 53% slower than he otherwise would have been
2: Stephanie nags someone
3: I side with Robbie Rotten
4: I stop watching after 10 minutes and go eat food instead

Look at him. Look how fucking happy he is to be awake. I hate him.

1

Only 23 minutes and 31 seconds to go. Also, #1 has happened already, and we’re not even a minute in. Continue reading “Lazy Town episode review: Morons eat apples”

10 musical 80s and 90s food adverts

10 musical 80s and 90s food adverts

I like food. I currently can’t eat any food because I’m trying to lose three stone this week. This has led to me becoming obsessed with food to the point where I’m looking at strangers and wondering how many calories are in the bit of their arm I could manage to bite off.

A less mental pastime is watching old food adverts. To be fair, this only makes me hungry, but I’m relatively safe unless I somehow manage to eat my laptop. Don’t assume I won’t try.

Food adverts in the 80s and 90s were the bollocks, because quite often they had jingly-jangly songs accompanying them. Here are 10 of my favourites:

Potato Waffles

Might I suggest that potato waffles also go with gin, cigarettes, and your own self loathing, mainly at just having eaten a whole box of potato waffles. Continue reading “10 musical 80s and 90s food adverts”

Recreating Television X titles with action figures

I’m trying to imagine the kind of person who still watches Television X and those other not-real-porn channels. All I can come up with is someone who has loads of money for food, but who prefers to eat out of bins.

However, these channels do have their merits. In the middle of the night, when there’s nothing else on, we find ourselves jabbing aimlessly at the Sky buttons until we end up in the ‘Tits and misc’ section. These are divided into two categories:

Babestation and 37 identical channels. In the programmes we’ve seen, there are ladies that wear not many clothes and work in a call centre. They might sell Scottish Power, but I don’t think they do.

babestation main

Porn channels. The ladies without phones, unless it’s very specialist porn. These channels are where ladies have their flaps out and do dry humping with men. They are definitely having real sex, because that’s what they tell us. Continue reading “Recreating Television X titles with action figures”